[Applause]
one name why my sister are you afraid I
was why were you afraid they do not look
like me why are you no longer afraid the
girls like me will see me when I said I
rights in this talk I think I wrote 3
different topics I wanted to write about
many things many issues that had witness
from being from living in two different
countries yet I was running away from
digging deeper from unwrapping the
silence that surrounds sets and
importance issues
you see I fall victim to that what
should be said what should not be said
what should be written what should not
be written however as an immigrant in
these United States as an African as an
ebow woman as a Nigerian I know how
important it is that stories must be
told that we must have to reveal our
observations sooner than later that the
time is always now I’m a storyteller I
borrow more and more from James
Baldwin’s idea on being a witness to two
continents about eight years ago two
very important incidents happened to me
that would change me forever I began a
very strong friendship with a former
schoolmate of mine it was through a poem
called yellow I was a primo poem about
how depressed but optimistic I still
felt she would tell me how the point
gave her hope how she was battling a
kind of depression she was healing from
the wounds of childhood trauma
the second important incident was one
evening with five of my friends all
African women
when the issue of childhood abuse was
brought up all four out of six of the
girls had been survivors of it you see I
couldn’t shake it off there in the
living room of one of our friends were
stories being unwrapped silence being
unwrapped and told what we always knew
that you should always stay between us
they told me stories of how they felt
betrayed by family members
I’ve thought he had reviewed that they
are abused to them they told me about
having to battle trauma alone but in all
of these stories
it was the insistence on silence that
terrified me the most the idea of what a
woman a woman like blue premier like me
can and cannot say it is a tradition of
silence that insisted that what they had
gone through was something to be ashamed
of something that devalues you the
survivor whenever we examine our society
we find time and time again that silence
benefits no one
instead it continues a deadly cycle it
tells you that your emotions your
feelings your depression is not real it
insists that if a narrative needs to be
told it should be one of survival so we
have a way of doing things we have a way
of glorifying survival but not the
process of surviving after all my
friends this women should be grateful
they are in a country that gives them
more rights as women or it tells you
that you should be grateful you survived
it but don’t tell it yet we forget that
we forget that humans cannot carry such
burden their entire lives without
breaking down without hurting themselves
or others we forget that define the
culture of silence define the tradition
of silence which I call an act of civil
disobedience is how
change happens it is when we speak up
against what hurts us that we can have a
societal shift no matter how small the
tradition of silence insists and demands
your full cooperation in erasing your
stories in not owning and telling your
stories because it is one thing to know
your story it is another to tell it
telling your stories gives you the pen
it gives you power and gives you
privilege and in cases where for
centuries you never had that it is not
only a privilege it becomes
revolutionary that is why what I’m drawn
to I’m drawn to stories of women who
defy the tradition of silence I’m drawn
to how we can change the status quo how
we can change policies and how we can
tell our stories I’m drawn to
re-examining the tradition that says
that says silence is a virtue my
secondary school mates would let us seek
help she would in the following years
own and tell her story I’m encouraged by
such power because how can we keep
telling stories of only strength and not
witness it wasn’t recognizing that the
tradition of silence was hurting her
that she found the strength to speak up
seek help and tell her story of trying
to survive depression but there are
three important things that make up the
tradition of silence one I call the
three C’s
they are culture code and cage you see
the culture is what you’re born into the
culture tells you that certain stories
do not fit it tells you that if tells us
that if our narratives do not fit the
status quo that something is wrong with
us for instance my schoolmates our
culture where
was told had depression is not real she
was told her trauma is not real she was
told how ungrateful she was to being one
of the best schools in London and still
feel empty so it got worse for her how
dare a woman how there an African woman
feel traumatized the culture insists
that silence no matter how broken the
survivor feels is strength think of why
some women stay in abusive marriages it
is the culture that insists that she’s
nothing without a man and when she has
children she also had children a
marriage she is no matter how broken no
matter how sad would be blamed by
society for failing to stay so what
would a woman without support a woman
without her own source of income
a woman in a society with little or no
laws that protect her do she stays in
that abusive marriage the culture of
silence gives you a side eye when you
complain it says look at you don’t you
know your mother’s survived these wars
you must learn how to hide your wars in
the morning you must cover it up young
woman young man do not shame us now the
culture creates code the code is this we
must not speak about our pain we must
not break down we are strong the code
creates superhumans a pride in how much
you can carry because if you dare break
the code then you’re automatically seen
as a failure I think it’s very funny
you know how society thinks that stuff
nests
not part of strength a culture of
silence creates a code that masking your
pain denying your story and not telling
it is how it has always been and how it
should be the code we use tradition to
compare you to others it will shame you
into not owning and telling your story
of surviving both elements of culture
and code create the cage this is what
the cage is the cage is where our all
our own told stories go to die all our
different narratives when they are not
told all their good to die the cage is
the final destination when the tradition
of silence is not dismantled we fear
that when we open the cage we are going
to meet isolation it is better to be
quiet it is better to honor the code
than for you to open the cage or feel
you have the power to tell your story or
own your narrative but I’m a little bit
I’m quite optimistic you know that
solutions to the three C’s we have to
understand there are stories within
stories some more complex than the other
stories many of our cultures denied
happens stories that when left untold
leaves us with a community with a
society without proper representation
when we tell people that they should be
quiet because their stories do not fit
what we know we deny the importance of
diversity when we deny the importance of
hearing what others have survived like
when I sat with my friends
years ago we deny them the power to feel
less alone when I sat with my friends a
few years ago
years ago they felt less alone when I
connected with Sheen where she felt less
alone like I did
we should also seek to encourage people
to tell their stories by listening with
an open mind
if someone confides in you telling you
that they are depressed do not brush it
off and say it does not happen to people
like us encourage them to tell their
story sometimes listening is giving them
power to own their story and break
through the tradition of silence
remember your vocabulary you’re not
allowing a lesson you are encouraging
them allow a let’s is placing power in
your hands you’re not in charge of the
story you’re not in charge of how to
decide to tell it encourage not allow we
should not tell others that your
experience is different from ours need
not be told in overcoming the tradition
of silence we must understand that it is
not weakness to seek help and we should
encourage people to do that to go and
find help yes we can suffer from
depression yes we can seek this we can
seek therapy yes you can speak to a
therapist no we must not break our backs
carrying silence like a badge of honor
remember how we heal from pain is
different as different as our lived
experiences it is important to
understand normalizing pain is a tragic
cycle that must end another solution is
localizing the issue for instance in
Zimbabwe
there are Friendship benches in certain
townships
where women who have been taught to
listen health care advocates sit and
listen to this women people these are
people who have been told your problem
isn’t big enough women who are at a
disadvantage who carry pains and just
need to be listened to
now they can sit and understand their
pain is valid this is how change happens
there are stories are just as important
for them to own it and to tell it for
power to be given back to the survivor
we must also understand how these
stories no matter how different the
names or distant the locations are part
of the human experiences if our silence
continues how can we add our lived
experiences to the human story we also
have to use bigger lenses to see the
world more importantly as people with a
story as people with a pen we must tell
it because we are witnesses to it all
and this is my form of civil
disobedience dismantling the tradition
of silence by encouraging you and
everyone to tell to own and encourage
others to own their stories thank you
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
you
one name why my sister are you afraid I
was why were you afraid they do not look
like me why are you no longer afraid the
girls like me will see me when I said I
rights in this talk I think I wrote 3
different topics I wanted to write about
many things many issues that had witness
from being from living in two different
countries yet I was running away from
digging deeper from unwrapping the
silence that surrounds sets and
importance issues
you see I fall victim to that what
should be said what should not be said
what should be written what should not
be written however as an immigrant in
these United States as an African as an
ebow woman as a Nigerian I know how
important it is that stories must be
told that we must have to reveal our
observations sooner than later that the
time is always now I’m a storyteller I
borrow more and more from James
Baldwin’s idea on being a witness to two
continents about eight years ago two
very important incidents happened to me
that would change me forever I began a
very strong friendship with a former
schoolmate of mine it was through a poem
called yellow I was a primo poem about
how depressed but optimistic I still
felt she would tell me how the point
gave her hope how she was battling a
kind of depression she was healing from
the wounds of childhood trauma
the second important incident was one
evening with five of my friends all
African women
when the issue of childhood abuse was
brought up all four out of six of the
girls had been survivors of it you see I
couldn’t shake it off there in the
living room of one of our friends were
stories being unwrapped silence being
unwrapped and told what we always knew
that you should always stay between us
they told me stories of how they felt
betrayed by family members
I’ve thought he had reviewed that they
are abused to them they told me about
having to battle trauma alone but in all
of these stories
it was the insistence on silence that
terrified me the most the idea of what a
woman a woman like blue premier like me
can and cannot say it is a tradition of
silence that insisted that what they had
gone through was something to be ashamed
of something that devalues you the
survivor whenever we examine our society
we find time and time again that silence
benefits no one
instead it continues a deadly cycle it
tells you that your emotions your
feelings your depression is not real it
insists that if a narrative needs to be
told it should be one of survival so we
have a way of doing things we have a way
of glorifying survival but not the
process of surviving after all my
friends this women should be grateful
they are in a country that gives them
more rights as women or it tells you
that you should be grateful you survived
it but don’t tell it yet we forget that
we forget that humans cannot carry such
burden their entire lives without
breaking down without hurting themselves
or others we forget that define the
culture of silence define the tradition
of silence which I call an act of civil
disobedience is how
change happens it is when we speak up
against what hurts us that we can have a
societal shift no matter how small the
tradition of silence insists and demands
your full cooperation in erasing your
stories in not owning and telling your
stories because it is one thing to know
your story it is another to tell it
telling your stories gives you the pen
it gives you power and gives you
privilege and in cases where for
centuries you never had that it is not
only a privilege it becomes
revolutionary that is why what I’m drawn
to I’m drawn to stories of women who
defy the tradition of silence I’m drawn
to how we can change the status quo how
we can change policies and how we can
tell our stories I’m drawn to
re-examining the tradition that says
that says silence is a virtue my
secondary school mates would let us seek
help she would in the following years
own and tell her story I’m encouraged by
such power because how can we keep
telling stories of only strength and not
witness it wasn’t recognizing that the
tradition of silence was hurting her
that she found the strength to speak up
seek help and tell her story of trying
to survive depression but there are
three important things that make up the
tradition of silence one I call the
three C’s
they are culture code and cage you see
the culture is what you’re born into the
culture tells you that certain stories
do not fit it tells you that if tells us
that if our narratives do not fit the
status quo that something is wrong with
us for instance my schoolmates our
culture where
was told had depression is not real she
was told her trauma is not real she was
told how ungrateful she was to being one
of the best schools in London and still
feel empty so it got worse for her how
dare a woman how there an African woman
feel traumatized the culture insists
that silence no matter how broken the
survivor feels is strength think of why
some women stay in abusive marriages it
is the culture that insists that she’s
nothing without a man and when she has
children she also had children a
marriage she is no matter how broken no
matter how sad would be blamed by
society for failing to stay so what
would a woman without support a woman
without her own source of income
a woman in a society with little or no
laws that protect her do she stays in
that abusive marriage the culture of
silence gives you a side eye when you
complain it says look at you don’t you
know your mother’s survived these wars
you must learn how to hide your wars in
the morning you must cover it up young
woman young man do not shame us now the
culture creates code the code is this we
must not speak about our pain we must
not break down we are strong the code
creates superhumans a pride in how much
you can carry because if you dare break
the code then you’re automatically seen
as a failure I think it’s very funny
you know how society thinks that stuff
nests
not part of strength a culture of
silence creates a code that masking your
pain denying your story and not telling
it is how it has always been and how it
should be the code we use tradition to
compare you to others it will shame you
into not owning and telling your story
of surviving both elements of culture
and code create the cage this is what
the cage is the cage is where our all
our own told stories go to die all our
different narratives when they are not
told all their good to die the cage is
the final destination when the tradition
of silence is not dismantled we fear
that when we open the cage we are going
to meet isolation it is better to be
quiet it is better to honor the code
than for you to open the cage or feel
you have the power to tell your story or
own your narrative but I’m a little bit
I’m quite optimistic you know that
solutions to the three C’s we have to
understand there are stories within
stories some more complex than the other
stories many of our cultures denied
happens stories that when left untold
leaves us with a community with a
society without proper representation
when we tell people that they should be
quiet because their stories do not fit
what we know we deny the importance of
diversity when we deny the importance of
hearing what others have survived like
when I sat with my friends
years ago we deny them the power to feel
less alone when I sat with my friends a
few years ago
years ago they felt less alone when I
connected with Sheen where she felt less
alone like I did
we should also seek to encourage people
to tell their stories by listening with
an open mind
if someone confides in you telling you
that they are depressed do not brush it
off and say it does not happen to people
like us encourage them to tell their
story sometimes listening is giving them
power to own their story and break
through the tradition of silence
remember your vocabulary you’re not
allowing a lesson you are encouraging
them allow a let’s is placing power in
your hands you’re not in charge of the
story you’re not in charge of how to
decide to tell it encourage not allow we
should not tell others that your
experience is different from ours need
not be told in overcoming the tradition
of silence we must understand that it is
not weakness to seek help and we should
encourage people to do that to go and
find help yes we can suffer from
depression yes we can seek this we can
seek therapy yes you can speak to a
therapist no we must not break our backs
carrying silence like a badge of honor
remember how we heal from pain is
different as different as our lived
experiences it is important to
understand normalizing pain is a tragic
cycle that must end another solution is
localizing the issue for instance in
Zimbabwe
there are Friendship benches in certain
townships
where women who have been taught to
listen health care advocates sit and
listen to this women people these are
people who have been told your problem
isn’t big enough women who are at a
disadvantage who carry pains and just
need to be listened to
now they can sit and understand their
pain is valid this is how change happens
there are stories are just as important
for them to own it and to tell it for
power to be given back to the survivor
we must also understand how these
stories no matter how different the
names or distant the locations are part
of the human experiences if our silence
continues how can we add our lived
experiences to the human story we also
have to use bigger lenses to see the
world more importantly as people with a
story as people with a pen we must tell
it because we are witnesses to it all
and this is my form of civil
disobedience dismantling the tradition
of silence by encouraging you and
everyone to tell to own and encourage
others to own their stories thank you
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
you
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