Lewis said in the opening line of his
brilliant book a grief observed nobody
ever told me that grief felt so much
like fear it’s a powerful statement fear
but fear of what the fear of losing
yourself the fear of growing old alone
the fear that this intense pain will
never stop the fear of forgetting the
sound of his voice or his laugh or that
others will forget him that his life
won’t have mattered Greece makes you
feel isolated alone terrified and
damaged and scared of absolutely
everything on October 27th 2006 at the
age of 35
I married my very best friend Don
Shepard four years and nine months later
my healthy active beautiful husband left
for work one morning and never came home
they found him collapsed on the floor a
massive heart attack no symptoms no
warnings no goodbyes just here one
minute and then BOOM
gone in the past five years or so since
my husband’s death I’ve become friends
with and met a lot of other widowed
people a few months ago a dear widower
friend of mine gave me a challenge he
said Kelly I want you to change the
world that all I said to him I will get
on that right after my morning cup of
coffee but when I stop to think about
that concept a favorite phrase of mine
came to mind change your mind and change
the world in other words the way that
people see your perceive an idea has to
change in order for everything
surrounding that idea to also change so
I’m going to speak the truth today about
Greece and then wait for that truth to
then become contagious any widowed
person or any person who has lost
someone they love to death will tell you
about the well intention but sometimes
insensitive comments coming from those
on the outside it
God’s plan everything happens for a
reason there are many more but these are
some of the greatest hits now the
justification for these comments is
always the same they don’t know what to
say I feel like it’s time we change the
conversation from they don’t know what
to say – well then let’s teach them like
the great Maya Angelou once said when
you know better you do better so let’s
focus on the most insensitive comment of
all time and the one that I feel is the
most harmful you need to move on get
over it get on with your life let me say
this as simply as I can when it comes to
the death of someone that you love there
is no such thing as moving on it’s a lie
it’s a made-up concept created by people
who are too uncomfortable with death and
sadness and grief but here’s the thing
it’s not their fault they are only
repeating what has become familiar to
them throughout the years what’s been
taught to them by society over and over
again you need to move on is a phrase
born out of centuries of ignorance and
fear because grief feels a hell of a lot
like fear now the move on mentality
starts very early it’s constant and it
doesn’t really ever end within minutes
of my husband’s sudden death I was
attacked with questions will you be
donating his organs today would you like
cremation or casket with that you know
when he can somebody come by your
apartment and pick up some of his items
now at the time I was told by people
that these decisions were for my benefit
that it would help me to let go to put
all this behind me at my husband’s
funeral
a total stranger came up to me stood
right by his casket and said to me today
you grieve tomorrow you get out there
and find a new man
really tomorrow that seems a little soon
a widower friend of mine was offered
this proposition from a relative of his
for every picture you take down of you
and your wife from your bed stand I’ll
give you fifty bucks a widow goes to the
cemetery all the time to visit her
husband and she keeps the lawn chair in
the back of her car so she can sit with
him at his gravesite one day she goes
out to her car and notices her chair is
gone her friends thinking that they are
helping said we took your chair we don’t
think you should go there anymore it’s
not healthy another friend was told by
her priest after her brother died in a
skiing accident stop talking about him
you need to let him rest in peace
another friend father two sons when he
filled out a school field trip form as
such he was told by the school principal
your other child has died so you only
have one son now these heart-wrenching
stories are real people and this is the
kind of treatment that they face every
single day taking away someone’s
connection to someone they love who has
died what purpose does that serve what
kind of message are we sending that the
people we love are replaceable that the
love you have for your daughter your
mother your brother your best friend has
an expiration date that their life
didn’t really matter when someone you
love dies and you are told over and over
again to move on something inside of you
breaks and when that happens you don’t
really feel much like living anymore you
figure hey why should I stick around
when I’m not allowed to continue to love
my person that I miss so you start
isolating you keep to yourself your
world becomes smaller and smaller you
disappear
my friend who was offered money to get
rid of pictures of him and his wife he
no longer talks about his wife anymore
with anyone he says it’s just not worth
it he’s tired of being silenced the
widow who had her launch
taken away she still goes to the
cemetery but now she does it in secret
she tells nobody because she’s tired of
being judged for loving her husband who
died the woman who was told by her
priest to stop talking about her brother
she did she also stopped going to church
and she and her faith has suffered
greatly because of it the father that
was told you only have one son now was
recently asked by his six-year-old boy
daddy if I die like mice like my brother
did does that mean I’m not your son
anymore this is not the way to honor
love to honor those that we love who
have died you can’t move on from love
love is the only thing that never dies
so if there’s no such thing as moving on
then what is it that I’m proposing what
is the message that we need to make
contagious in the hearts and minds of
people the message that will change
people’s minds and in turn change the
world well here’s the truth love grows
more love all good things are born out
of love so what if instead of saying to
someone hey stop talking about your
brother we said tell me more about your
brother who died what if instead of
trying to fix people
we sat with them inside of their pain
and we let them tell us what comes next
what if we got rid of the phrase move on
and instead began to move with and move
through our losses imagine what could
happen take a look this is Ethan at his
20 week ultrasound he was diagnosed with
developing CHD or congenital heart
disease he wasn’t supposed to make it to
birth instead Ethan lived seven short
years of life and in that time he went
under some of the most innovative
cardiac surgeries known to date when he
even died his parents Jessica
Eric took their forever love for him and
with it created hope the Ethan M
Lindberg foundation offers grants
housing support and even music therapy
to families living with CH D because
they did not move on or get over their
son his life is now a legacy and
countless of families and people are
affected by his life going forward
forever this is Philip Hernandez Philip
was a wonderful husband father and a
great man his life ended instantly when
he was hit by a car while out cycling
that’s Michelle Phil’s wife she had no
plans on becoming a widow at the age of
35 after Phil sudden death Michelle
didn’t know what to do and she couldn’t
find the support in the community that
she so desperately needed so she built
it Michelle created soaring spirits
International a nonprofit that connects
widowed people worldwide their most
popular program Camp Widow is a
three-day event offering workshops
presentations and social gatherings for
widowed men and women of all ages if
Michelle had listened to the countless
people who told her to let go of her
love for Phil and to get over it her
life would have continued down the road
of isolation and loneliness instead her
foundation has served over 3 million
widowed people worldwide and Counting
all because she made the choice to live
and share Phil’s life forward on the
right there that’s Michael Michael is
Michelle’s husband today
he knows that just because Michelle
found love with him does not mean that
she is over loving Phil nor does it mean
that the pain of losing phil has
magically disappeared he knows that the
heart expands and that Michelle’s love
for Phil is part of what makes her the
great woman that he loves today not only
does Michaels support this
he’s a part of it Michael is the camp
widow photographer meet Shelby Shelby
was only 7 years old when her mom Megan
died from cystic fibrosis Mike
Shelby’s dad Mike met Sara at Camp Widow
in Tampa Florida
Sara was there because her fiance Drew
died in a helicopter crash
Drew’s parents have made the choice to
continue to love Sara as an extension of
their love for their son Megan’s parents
have chosen to do the same by continuing
to love Mike and Shelby now Shelby knows
that Sara is not her mother but she is a
mother figure and the two have formed a
really special bond you see Sara was
just about Shelby’s age when she lost
her own mother so every time the two are
around each other their hearts heal just
a little bit more back to this picture
on the left under the Christmas tree
it’s about two weeks before Christmas
there’s a knock at the door this giant
box arrives inside it present after
present after present from Drew’s entire
family his grandparents his parents his
aunts and uncles all of them for Shelby
for Mike and for Sara this nine year old
little girl who had not enough time on
this earth with her own mother
now giddy with joy as she opens multiple
gifts from Drew’s family a man she has
never even met but whose life and death
is now exploding into an avalanche of
love right on her living room floor if
even one person in this scenario made a
different choice this beautiful picture
would not exist and all of these people
would be living much smaller lives
instead all of their lives grew bigger
and wider more love the love that Mike
and Sara have for each other does not
diminish or delete the love that Sara
will always have for Drew and that Mike
will always have for Megan in fact it
applies it it honors it love grows love
and what about me what have I done with
the forever love that I’ll always have
for my husband on well I’m happy to tell
you I am a speaker at Camp Widow where
I’ve been giving my comedic presentation
about life and loss since 2013 I started
a campaign called pay it forward for Don
Shepard day where I ask people anywhere
and everywhere to do acts of kindness in
his honor and then they get published in
my blog now over the years hundreds and
hundreds of people have taken part in
these acts of kindness and many of them
don’t even know me nor do they know my
husband I’m writing a book about our
forever love story and about my story
after and I’m standing here with all of
you today giving this very personal and
important message into the universe my
husband’s heart may have stopped beating
on July 13th 2011 but he lives on every
single day because it’s my mission to
make damn sure of it great things can
happen when we continue to tell the
stories of those we have lost who have
died and it doesn’t have to be on this
grand of a scale each of us can be the
person that changes the message for
someone else about grief love and loss
that is how change happens
one person one mind at a time every
single one of us in this room and
everyone watching this online and me
guess what we’re all gonna die not right
now so don’t keep don’t panic hopefully
it’s not right now but we are we’re all
gonna die at some point we have no
choice about that we have no choice
about that but guess what we do have a
choice about how we talk about those who
have died the language we use so let me
ask you this when you die do you want to
be forgotten do you want people to tell
your loved ones hey get over it get over
her get over him move on stop talking
about that or do you want the people who
love you
to use that love to create a life for
themselves filled with joy and purpose
and meaning isn’t that what you deserve
question that is asked in the closing
song of lin-manuel Miranda’s hit
Broadway brilliant musical Hamilton is
this when my time is up have I done
enough will they tell my story will they
tell your story who tells your story my
wish for everyone here today for each
one of us is that when our time is up
the people who love us never move on the
people who love us they tell our story
because here’s the truth if we move on
and let go of and get rid of the people
that we love who have died if we do that
then guess what they really are gone
they’re gone they’re just gone forever
but if we tell each other’s stories and
if we use that love to create more love
and to multiply each others worlds if we
can do that then nobody ever really dies not truly thank you so much