introduction in an unpredictable world
with uncertainty in our daily lives what
is it that we can control we can control
what we think and how we behave today’s
talk I would like to share how we can
begin to think more inspirationally and
act more intentionally using six simple
strategies that can positively impact
our self-worth and the lives of others
my inspiration for this talk came from
years of the privilege of working with
college students without which I still
do and helping them move through
uncertainty and maybe unchartered waters
regarding their college major or their
career path or the untimely death of a
peer or their parent and in visiting
with them and advising I’d often share
about dr. Brene brown and her research
on vulnerability and I would say to
students that it’s okay to feel exposed
it’s okay to feel vulnerable and far
from invincible and I shared a quote
from her and I tried to do this all the
time that to get to courage you have to
walk through vulnerability and you see
in today’s traditional education we
don’t really learn about how to deal
with uncertainty or emotional risk so
today I want to break this down into
simple and manageable ways that we can
improve our life that we can hit this
proverbial reset button make our life
better improve the lives of others and
focus on what we can control so let’s
get started number one let’s rethink our
self-talk that inner voice our inner
critic are we nice to ourselves when we
look in the mirror how do we feel about
ourselves we are wired toward
perfectionism as human beings
to be perfect to compare ourselves with
that benchmark of perfection and that is
destructive what we want to do with our
self-talk and our inner voice is be
constructive productive and positive in
our thinking but we have to stop
ourselves and check ourselves and try to
do that the best we can by reflecting
and rethinking about our self-talk
silencing this inner critic is not easy
I work on it every day and two examples
of how I really felt that I had to work
on it every day and I felt that there
was an accomplishment is the self doubt
that you have leads to your negative
self-talk and to paralleled experiences
one was earning my doctoral degree and
one was running my first marathon both
physically and emotionally taxing
experiences very very similar
experiences but the way that I would
diminish my self-doubt is to break those
tasks down into manageable pieces so
that I could build my confidence and
reduce this self-doubt and improve my
self talk so writing a 250 page paper
you don’t think about that part of it
you think about writing one page one
sentence one word at a time and what you
accomplished in that day and running
26.2 miles is not about training for one
day it’s about training for months and
working up to and saying I ran an eight
mile today and I felt good about myself
and my doubt decreases my confidence
increases and that was very very
productive for me in breaking things
down into small and really sizable
measurable segments the second is great
gratefulness gratitude ah being grateful
brother David Stein will rest did a TED
talk and he spoke about the tide that
binds us all which is happiness we all
strive to be happy and with them and
most people who are happy are grateful
it’s very easy to be grateful when we’re
happy but he talks about how grateful
people are the happiest people on the
planet and that being grateful for each
moment I’m grateful for this moment
right now we have butterflies and we’re
anxious
but I’m grateful to be here to have the
ability and Kent State to give us this
opportunity
but being grateful in those moments and
taking the opportunities I share with
students that put your phone in your bag
when you’re walking to class look around
even though the Sun doesn’t come out
about much in Northeast Ohio look for it
use your senses try to enjoy the class
that you’re in that day and be present
there because an expert is teaching you
you have the opportunity to learn in
that moment one of my most grateful
experiences really came from one of the
most trying times I had so 1988 I was a
freshman going into a freshman in high
school don’t do the math and we we my
mom my dad myself and our black lab were
driving to my grandmother’s house about
an hour and a half away for a visit and
we got there the phone rang and my
mother said oh my goodness our house was
burning down truly on fire it was an
apartment complex we get in the car and
we’re driving and it was just quiet in
the car we were quiet because we were
silently grateful because we were all
together but we got there and the
firemen and the police and there running
up to my parents and a lot of people in
the neighborhood were more happy to see
our dog than they were us but it was
okay because they loved our lab and the
firemen said ma’am I need to know what
do you want out of this house we have
five minutes and she said the pictures
and the photo albums are in this pop-up
location and before you know what our
photo albums and pictures are flying out
of the windows and were smiling
unbelievably and that was a grateful
moment because we were alive and our
memories may be preserved and then I
remember a month later we bought a condo
and I’m sitting on a rug about the size
of this piece here with my mom my dad my
dog a little TV and a pillow and it was
so happy we were happy because we were
alive and we were together and we were
grateful not for the material things we
lost and so it was just such an
important time for me and such a memory
that I’ll never forget and how grateful
compassion
it’s hard to see it but it’s out there
compassion the Golden Rule right do unto
others as you would like done unto you
we have to be compassionate to ourselves
first it’s back to being kind to ourself
I break compassion down because it’s
such a complex word into three little
strategies simple acts of presence
simple acts of courtesy and simple acts
of kindness simple acts of presence is
really when you are with someone whether
it’s family friends whomever be with
them try not to think about what you’re
gonna say next or what story you might
tell but really just listen engage look
at someone be generous with your spirit
and your time that’s a simple grift of
presents a simple gift of courtesy can
be about manners gestures opening the
door for someone picking up trash
sharing your lunch giving someone a
compliment
not on how they look or their appearance
but maybe their effort or what you
learned from them Manor League I’m in
the Starbucks line and then this past
summer and I didn’t move up fast enough
there was a gap between me and the next
car god forbid and the woman behind me I
heard her yelling so I look in my
rearview mirror and she’s going nuts at
me and she’s swearing and she’s move up
so I moved up and I thought man and my
first instinct self talk right was she’s
what’s her deal but I thought what if
she really just had bad morning what if
something just happen in her life I
literally thought of that and I thought
okay but I get to the cashier and I said
my latte and hers behind me please I’m
buying that so I gave some extra money
and I sent him please tell her that I
wish her a better day and please give
her a smile for me just a little pay it
forward but I felt good about that but I
also knew maybe she’d feel good about
that too that somebody thought hey saw
you had a hard day so this compassion
and empathy that we have can be small or
big but it connects us it’s the
connections that we make because of this
and it creates joy I felt good about
that and hopefully she did too
the last one is a simple act of kindness
that we can do so this past November I
read a story about a woman who was
shopping on Black Friday
a 6:00 a.m. and she received a phone
call it’s probably not a good time to
receive a phone call and her mother
passed away unexpectedly so she’s on the
phone and she collapses to the floor and
the stranger next to her came and sat on
the floor and wrapped her arms around
her and held her they never met before
but the woman was weeping and the other
woman was weeping with her they were
together and if that isn’t compassion
and the woman finally who came to if
they’re her mother she had heard this
news she really wasn’t paying attention
to this woman but that woman said are
you okay what can I do for she said I’m
fine now and they parted their ways but
they found each other again and the
woman who held her end up going to the
funeral they’ve become friends because
that was an amazing act of kindness in
that moment that they took advantage the
one took advantage of number four
probably my favorite smiling this is an
outward manifestation of utter happiness
that costs nothing
smiling costs nothing so I share with
you smile more smile often the acronym I
use for smile and if somebody else made
it up it’s not fair because I did I made
this up shining my inner light
effortlessly shining my inner light
effortlessly it really is an easy gift
to give and it’s so often we have that
resting face sometimes the B word comes
before it but the resting face that we
have sometimes it’s okay but we need to
change that resting face when we have
the opportunity smiling research shows
improves your mood decreases your
self-reported stress decreases your
blood pressure and your heart rate and
triggers joyful memories this is
scientific it’s very very powerful I did
a lot of smiling backstage I tell a very
personal story here about smiling so my
family and I in the summer we wanted to
go get ice cream
so we go to the local rural Dairy Queen
and so my family’s walking in the door
my family two moms two little girls that
are five and two that’s my family
so we walk in and there’s three families
sitting there an elderly couple a mom
and dad with the kids and then a mom
with her son and I felt this wet blanket
come over me when we walked in there
everybody stopped eating
you saw the Poynting it was like I could
get angry in that moment I could get
feel better but I thought I wanted to
get ice cream with my family I’m gonna
feel happy right now and you know what
I’m gonna smile because what if this is
the first time that any of these
individuals has seen a family like ours
I don’t want them to have a bad feeling
in their heart that all went through my
head quickly and I smiled I smiled at
all of them and then I focused on my
family and so we’re sitting there eating
our ice cream and the elderly woman says
I have 17 grandchildren they’re all
about that age I said oh my goodness
I said no wonder your help by yourself
and then the lady behind us what the two
kids says is your daughter doing this
right now like I’m going through this
and ami is she throwing food and hitting
you and so we talked a little bit and
then the woman next to me with her son
she’s kind of just sitting there her
teenaged son and she looked over and she
goes you have a beautiful family I said
thank you I don’t know that that
exchange or those connections would have
happened if I didn’t put that smile on
my face and I was so proud and I tell
that story often and it makes me smile
now because I hope that maybe they would
pay it forward or have just the inkling
to think families of family v befriend
another simple but challenging concept
friend is a noun friend is a companion
friend is a confidante friend is a
playmate work mate soul mate class mate
befriending is a verb which is the act
of being a friend acting like a friend
to someone by providing support by
caring by asking questions see we live
in an isolated society that is
interrupted by technology we all know
this so the connections aren’t happening
as much we don’t ask people questions
about their story we don’t sit next to
people we don’t know and say tell me
about yourself I mean we never know who
we’re gonna meet just sayin tell me
about yourself where are you from
befriend someone they may not be your
lifelong friend but they could be and
you may learn a new passion you may love
a new food you may go to a place you’ve
never did visited before because you’d
befriended someone so I’m sitting in an
airplane a couple months about a month
ago returning from a conference and a 90
year old woman I only know she was 90
because she told me later I just assumed
she was about there well she had a
broken hip and I had to get into the
seat that was the window seat and she
was on the end and so I literally did
some acrobatics to get into the seat and
she was very appreciative and I could
just see her wanting to engage so we’re
talking and I I wasn’t under an
assumption she went to college but I
asked her I said did you happen to go to
college she said I did 70 years ago and
I said I think that’s amazing and I said
did you know anybody she said no I
didn’t know anybody I was the first
person in my family to go to college I
knew no one she said but I got to know
people because I asked a few of my
friends if I could go to church with
them
I asked one if I could go to a synagogue
with her and then I asked a few if I
could eat with them or maybe go home on
a weekend for a meal these friends are
my friends for life my friends live all
over the world she went to college in
Ohio that’s wise that’s wisdom that’s
befriending 70 years ago it was really
beautiful
and lastly being well the journey that
we are on to become our best self has to
start with nourishing this temple that
we walk around in this body that is so
unique and special to all of us
Abraham Maslow early psychologists
developed the hierarchy of needs we
probably most of us have heard of that
and at the base of the pyramid are the
physiological needs
food water I think sex is in their sleep
breathing but I broke this down to just
food sleeping and water of course we
understand we need seven to eight hours
of sleep to hormonal e balance we need
water to stay hydrated and keep our
systems flowing and we understand that
we need to eat less sugar less sodium
and more fruits and vegetables you guys
all know that stuff but I want to add
one more to dr. Maslow he’s since gone
so I can change his pyramid I thought so
the one I want to add to the base of his
pyramid is exercise I want to add
exercise there not because we should get
on a scale not because we should care
about our bikini body because you can
get a bikini body by buying a bikini and
putting it on your body okay we should
not care about what we weigh or how we
look we should exercise for mental and
physical well-being we should exercise
to create the endorphins to enhance our
mood to make our attitude better and to
live a longer life to me that’s missing
at the bottom of that you nourished by
what you put in but what we put out
whether it’s moderate exercise five
times a week for 30 minutes or three
times a week for 20 minutes which I like
better it’s so important but it’s mostly
important to us mentally so I share that
so sorry dr. Maslow we’re going to add
exercise into mental and physical
well-being there are the six today I
challenge you and I challenge myself
every day to think about what it is that
we can control not what we can’t control
not what is out of our control in this
world it is about the power we have in
the can what can we control and so using
these six tactics we can improve our own
life and a week we can improve the lives
of others and hopefully through this we
will find a more kind and gentle
existence and hopefully we will find
ourselves
smiling from the inside out
thank you [Applause]