from home
every day my big sister
brother and I would walk the two miles
each way to escape into our own little
haven we loved books so much so that in
a few short years we probably read every
book in the children’s section when I
was six I read a story about a lucky
little girl and her marvellous birthday
party pony rides giant cake cotton candy
balloons I’d never had a birthday party
I bounced around from foster home to
foster home more times than I could
remember that afternoon I returned home
and I was determined to ask my new
foster mom if I could have a birthday
party I walk up to her in the kitchen
excuse me can I have a birthday party
with cake and balloons please after a
few seconds she gazes at me do you think
you deserve one I kind of froze I didn’t
have a good response that maybe I don’t
deserve one maybe I’m a bad girl maybe
I’m not good enough I don’t know I just
look up back at her and I I guess I
don’t really want a birthday party okay
fine
I never asked for another birthday party
I’m 41 years old and that still lingers
with me isn’t it crazy how one little
statement can have such an impact an
unintended impact now fast-forward 15
years
fresh out of college there I am as a
teacher at an elementary school in
Inglewood California now the roles are
reversed and I’m the adult
talking to the six-year-olds it’s report
card conference time and all these small
humans with enough energy to fuel a
rocket ship doesn’t scare me but their
parents on the other hand many of them
are notorious gang members my first
parent conference the mom red lips
perfectly drawn eyebrows with the tattoo
across her chest
the father shaved head baggy black pants
with not one but two teardrop tattoos
below his eye I don’t know if you know
this but teardrop tattoos below the eye
means people have been killed so I start
with the positives
David is a smart boy and loves to learn
smiles from both parents
next comes his low behavior grade my
voice gets shaky David’s behavior needs
improvement he doesn’t do what I asked
him to do I say no he does yes I say yes
he thinks no and the parents look at
each other and they look at me and the
mom asked so what are you saying miss
Tam David’s a bad kid no no no no no not
at all David’s a good kid
I try to be direct and to-the-point with
the students David just doesn’t seem to
listen let me ask you this
when you ask him to do something does he
do it
well not really I asked him two or three
times to clean his room and when he
doesn’t I just give up
hmm but when I tell him he can’t ride
his bike until he does what he’s
supposed to do he cleans his room and
finishes his tours i catalogued this
information very interesting I survive
report card conferences finish another
year in Englewood and I’m off to grad
school and my new teaching position in
sunny Santa Barbara my new class has
only 20 kids very educated parents and
every socio-economic advantage you can
think of cush gig right
not so fast no matter how clear and
direct I think I am there’s still
students I don’t reach the problems and
barriers aren’t really that different
same as Inglewood just swap the tattoos
for Blazers and ties my first parent
conference the mom pink lip gloss
manicured nails matching pink cardigan
the dad blue blazer pressed khakis and
not one but two cellphones
I can say that because I have two cell
phones so I start with the formula and
focus on that start with the positives
Brian is smart and loves to learn same
approving nods but when I tell these
parents Brian’s behavior needs
improvement this mom says so what are
you saying miss Tam Brian’s not a bad
boy
ouch I wasn’t prepared for that
that comment swirls in my head and stays
with me maybe there’s some truth to that
a few years in my frustration and
curiosity is building I want to reach
all my students but I’m not it’s not
just behavior I’ve taught all grades I
want to know why some students just
don’t grasp the math concept or the
storyline if I reach the kids in
inglewood and not those in Santa Barbara
vice versa I can attribute this to all
kinds of factors involving my background
and theirs it’s simply not the case the
next few years I dive into discovery I
read countless teacher books attend
countless teacher conferences I picked
the brains of every veteran teacher I
know I am NOT going to be a bad teacher
anymore I start to experiment with my
students for example instead of giving
direct orders some of my students
respond better when I kind of drop some
hints I began to experience more success
in the classroom and what I’m really
surprised about is how these little
lessons have helped me when I moved on
to other careers
because I start to notice misaligned
messages everywhere I look
my working curiosity led me to notice
psychologist dr. John Kappas he’s the
expert of the subconscious and also
known for his breakthrough research in
how people communicate for a long time
there was a portion of his client base
that he was unable to reach things only
improved when he realized he needed to
analyze the way his clients preferred
method of receiving information what I
extrapolated from dr. Kappas is research
that always creates a massive paradigm
shift from my clients is simply we
process communication in one of two ways
literally or inferentially a literal
language listener processes incoming
language more literally and directly an
inferential listener is someone who is
more analytical and reads between the
lines of what is being said the catch is
we hear one way and we speak another one
would be our primary listening style the
other our primary speaking style the
amazing reality and research confirms
this
if you speak literal your most certain
to speak inferential people often ask me
how long I’ve been in this line of work
helping leaders and companies deliver
messages that deliver results and the
truth is I began my research back when I
was six from that incident when I didn’t
get that birthday party and I wondered
why this isn’t just me each of us
developed our language and process
styles
when we had our early experiences with
our mother’s father’s grandparents and
caregivers our language style is
embedded in our subconscious and it just
becomes a habit learning this made me
realize three things the first I really
screwed up my first few years of
teaching the second my direct littoral
communication was a complete mismatch
for my students who needed to hear
things inferential II and lastly
countless leaders in all walks of life
professors managers CEOs parents and
even presidents are frequently
miscommunicating the good news I can
change we all can change my way or the
highway leadership is a thing of the
past the key is adapting our secondary
speaking style when our primary style is
not effective think of this like your
right and left hand
you favor one over the other but you use
both when you get to the point of being
able to interchange your primary and
secondary speaking style with the snap
of the fingers you would be an
ambidextrous communicator so first
things first in order to start the
process of change we must all activate
our secondary speaking style if you are
primarily an inferential speaker you
like to talk some of you a lot but when
you’re speaking to a literal listener be
more concise clearly Express what you’re
trying to say if you’re primarily a
literal speaker you’re more brief and
direct when speaking to an inferential
listener paint a vivid picture share all
the D
tails maybe be a bit more subtle
all this miscommunication could be fixed
with the twist of a few words and a few
sentences my drive to change my speaking
style is to be understood when I want
something I want to know how to say it
so I get it and preferably right now
don’t you recently I was working with
the company who had team members who had
high resistance towards their managers I
observed the manager speaking to his
team
okay guys reports are due this Friday
everyone should have theirs on my desk
by 5:00 p.m. Thanks or look at one of
his emails it’s obvious that his primary
speaking style is literal although he
was polite as soon as he left the room
the inferential listeners resisted
he’s so bossy why does he want us to
stay here until five o’clock on a Friday
he said should so maybe we don’t have to
some of them missed the deadline in
complete defiance
now that the manager knows he has both
types of listeners what do you think
would have happened if he had said I’m
looking forward to seeing everyone’s
reports let’s all pull together to get
these done soon and get the bonuses see
you this Friday if not sooner Thanks
this says the reports are due Friday and
most can infer by five o’clock and a
work day and when we tried it not only
did he deliver a message that brought
results some employees turned in the
reports sooner and left early on Friday
it’s a win-win for everybody on the flip
side
here’s communication from a different
manager that is more
inferential as you can see this can be
confusing to a literal listener
what does not having too many plans mean
should I scrap the project I’m working
on
does he think I don’t know what I’m
doing at the very least this manager has
an employee that is frustrated and
confused but at worst he now has an
employee that feels tension towards him
most likely feels underappreciated
and Michael managed all because of a
misaligned message we’re all more apt to
get what we want if we can modify our
speaking style to our listener style
follow these steps to hear one way and
speak another and avoid miscommunication
identify identify your primary speaking
style modify modify your speaking style
to your listeners preferred style and
blend if you’re not sure of your
audience blend both inferential and
literal and be ambidextrous I mean if I
had known all this when I was 6 maybe I
would have gone that birthday party
after all
instead when my mom asked me do you
think you deserve a party I inferential
II jumped to the conclusion that she
didn’t want to give me one and I was a
bad girl in return she literally heard
me say I don’t want a birthday party
without actually realizing I really did
want one prior to this year my daughter
never asked for a birthday party this
year she was turning six she wanted
cotton candy she wanted balloons cake
and all her friends
she got it all last week and she’s also
sitting right there right now in our
world in our country there’s so much
miscommunication and separation
understanding that we hear one way and
we speak another is a tool within our
reach to be more effective and engaging
communicators with everyone enjoy your next conversation thank you