it’s time to draft the fantasy teams
people 2018 big board we reveal it next
also which one of your friends likes
drafting in the nude and picks picks
picks picks picks picks it’s all you
people want anyways
[Music]
[Applause]
welcome to what the football
I’m your host TJ carpenter and every
single week we’re going to give you the
exact same thing fantasy news daily
fantasy and gambling I’m just gonna come
right out and say it we’re giving you
picks against the spread with the
celebrity guests for your bedding and
perhaps erotic entertainment now we
start this fantasy show the way all
great fantasy shows should start with an
enormous big board of players we’ve
rated based on how valuable we think
they’re gonna be to your fantasy team
and this is the definitive big board and
as such will not change for any reason
all season and we’re gonna check this
bad boy out every single week to check
out just outright we were and I’m
guessing we’re gonna be pretty right
except for you Sam Bradford I refuse to
acknowledge that you’re on this list
what my call but apparently you were
hurt by a joke I made about how you’ve
been permanently wounded emotionally and
therefore have no need to fear aaron
donald and in dhama can sue speaking of
which the Rams defense is up on our
board I don’t know why we rank the
defense’s it seems like we could have
just found a better use for that space
also upon first glance I don’t believe
in Odell Beckham jr. and no I’m not
saying I lack confidence in him I don’t
believe he exists take a picture of our
big board it’ll last longer and you can
play along at home now it’s time to
introduce you to our team and continue
to prepare you for your fantasy draft
all in one punch every fantasy league is
on some level its own Stanford Prison
Experiment a confusing exercise designed
to expose the darker sides of our own
humanity here’s our attempt contain some
of the confusing terms and outright
abhorrent behavior you can expect from
your friends and family this season so
you’ve decided to ruin your football
watching experience by enhancing its
your fantasy football get ready to hate
yourself and everyone around you here a
few tips you should know and
participating your first ever fantasy
football draft avoid the strategy
oversharer
this is not the NFL draft anywhere not
Jerry freaking Joe
I don’t care why you took a particular
player in a particular spot and I don’t
care that you know that the average
production of an NFL running back tends
to go down at the age of 27 let me live
my life
then there’s pokerface guy hey guy
what’s with the poker face what exactly
you’re trying to hide injuries dates
with strippers what and pure luck will
decide this thing guy of course there’s
always over the confident person look at
you bringing your magazine draft guide
that was printed and made to the fantasy
draft your briefcase with wheels
constant trash-talking and aggressive
impatience is matched only by your
indecision and constant stalling every
time it’s your turn to make a pick and
then of course there’s mr. positive
reinforcement so confident in his picks
he’s outsourcing his confidence to you
did you see my team he’ll ask clutching
his roster and hand desperately seeking
affirmation this man will be the first
player to draft a kicker don’t be that
guy
it’s not just your competitors to the
draft you’ll need to look out for
there’s also a specific verbiage fantasy
football jargon if you will but you’ll
need to acclimate yourself with a DP
this has nothing to do with the gross
domestic product of you’re legal though
I’m sure it’s flourishing average draft
position it’s really valuable to know
where each player is being drafted fade
no not the high top kid and play fade
means avoiding a particular player due
to matchup for game like Zeke Elliott
versus the Broncos or Andy Reed versus
cheeseburgers battle he loses every time
PPR in Russia PPR stands for the pirate
party of Russia
no joke the more you know in this case
no pirates just points per reception
mock draft yes you heard that right as
if an actual fantasy draft does not mock
enough this is a fake draft you have to
prepare for another fake draft for a
fake league loosely based off of a game
or grown men play catch for three hours
there you have it I’m re Temkin and
remember you can lead a horse to water
but you can’t make him drink that you
can certainly make him drown
back to you TJ thanks Ari although I
have to disagree with you on that last
point no one tells John Elway what to do
and I’m pretty sure he’s gonna drink
whether you want him to or not now let’s
go out to our junior NFL cup reporter
Joshua Briscoe with an adorable little
piece we like to call fact or fraud
welcome to Factor fraud the first fact
is I’m your first fraud Joshua Briscoe
let’s talk about draft strategies Aaron
Rodgers and Tom Brady are frauds they
are yes two of the greatest quarterback
literally of all time both more or less
gods amongst men but they’re going too
high in fantasy drafts so therefore they
are frauds on espn.com Aaron Rodgers
average draft position is 27 and Tom
Brady’s is 31 implicit I get it if you
have the fifth overall pick in you and
Antonio Brown and it’s Melvin Gordon at
16 Aaron Rodgers at 25 you’re probably
pretty happy because you could make a
non insane argument that you have the
best player each of those positions but
if you do that you are screwed there at
least you’re not getting the best value
for your draft picks so here’s the fact
you’re better off loading up on running
backs and wide receivers throughout the
first several rounds and probably
running backs for the first two
receivers are crazy deep all the way
into the 40s and running backs get
really shallow really fast like like
Kardashian shallow it’s horrifying
quarterbacks are crazy deep way late
into the draft like at the very end
remember you don’t need Phillip Rivers
and Matthew Stafford to actually win you
more than eight games you just need them
for their sweet sweet fantasy points
Drew Brees and Duke Johnson are both
going in the 75th pick range so let’s
take back that 25th pick that you so
stupidly threw away on Aaron Rodgers and
get loose on McCoy instead so now you
can have Drew Brees and LeSean McCoy
or Aaron Rodgers and Juke Johnson I
don’t think you’re an idiot you don’t
look like an idiot don’t be an idiot or
you can wait to the hundred pick mark
and then go for a platoon of Jimmy
Garoppolo and Matthew Stafford or dak
Prescott or Philip Rivers or Alec Smith
or Patrick mahomes there are so many
options the runningback equivalent at
that point is Marlon Mack
so don’t waste your time on quarterbacks
early this year last year quarterbacks 2
through 8 scored within two points per
game of each other it’s not worth
swapping out Tom Brady for Matthew
Stafford when it also means swapping
Marlon Mac for LeSean McCoy
anyway I sign for me to go swing on the
play set for 12 hours and get to bed
early so I can be ready for my first day
of middle school tomorrow so I
relinquish the show back to the
geriatric TJ carpenter thanks Josh that
was adorable although I’m pretty sure
you’re a grown man living in your
mother’s basement and who knew that the
Indianapolis Colts general manager was
an orangutan joining us from Kansas City
Missouri it is Joshua Briscoe and
joining us from Dallas Texas it is
already Temkin gentlemen let’s get
things started is week five of the NFL
preseason the worst week imaginable to
Josh how about you yeah nice all right
thanks for giving to you something to
work with the answer is yes them all
right very good moving on NFL preseason
is of course the spam of sports it’s not
the real thing
but still delicious is there anything
you’re reading into this preseason Josh
other than the fact that Tyrod Taylor is
absolutely gonna play over Baker
Mayfield for 16 games even if he only
has one good arm Adrian Peterson maybe
just because I think it would be
hilarious for Daniel Snyder to employ a
running back that hasn’t been acceptable
since 2015 to pair with his team name
that hasn’t been acceptable since 1915
reaching down deep for that one Josh
that joke spanned a century re how about
you remember guys correlation does not
equal causation there’s no correlation
between success and the preseason and
success of the regular season sometimes
guys will have quality pre seasons and
the end of having good seasons sometimes
guys have quality pre seasons and then
flame out during the regular season so
always remember the correlation does not
equal causation I have no idea of any of
that made sense re but I agree with you
it did now moment of truth we need
definitive takes here gentlemen is there
any player regardless of matchup that
you’re gonna start every single week in
daily fantasy regardless of what the
matchup is damn that’s a good question
wow it’s a great question ah Philip
Rivers for me he’s a guy that
consistently outperforms his value he’s
a guy that if you’re looking
consistently forgot it’s not gonna be
priced too high it’s gonna be
middle-of-the-road that outperforms
value in a broad scope that’s Philip
Rivers well he’s also a man with a bolo
tie and that should not be forgotten
Josh how about you TJ that’s a really
dumb question if you’re talking about
daily fantasy that’s the whole point is
that you don’t have anybody but you have
to start every week
so I’m gonna probably go ahead and pay
for an elite starting running back every
week I’m probably gonna go and try to
get the number two receiver going up
against the Chiefs that currently employ
one good and healthy defensive back but
outside of that know taking the home
down defense you know to be terrible
savvy play there Josh I like it looking
forward to talking daily fantasy with
both of you gentlemen all throughout the
course of the season
go to hell TJ okay all right well love
you TJ see Josh you could learn a lot
from our eat emkin a senior inside NFL
reporter and if you okay you’re just
getting up and leaving alright that’s
great thank you very much we’ll see you
all right it is now time for our
celebrity pix segment that’s where we’re
burning in a celebrity and by celebrity
I mean the only youtuber responsible
enough to return an email it’s five
points BIG’s Adams coma which joins us
Adam how are you sir I’m doing well and
thank you for cheapening the word
celebrity I appreciate that
well I think in this instance it’s very
apropos alright this is how this works
we are going to pick games against the
spread every single week and if Adam
beats me he gets to come back or has to
come back next week depending on your
perspective Adam let’s pick some games
let’s start off with Falcons at Eagles
Eagles are minus three at home honestly
I’m surprised it’s not a billion
Superbowl champions always win these
games Doug Peterson could play
quarterback in this game and they’d win
by 10 I’ve got the Eagles yeah thanks
for reminding me that the Eagles are the
champions however I am going to agree
with you that the Eagles defend their
home turf week one they’re gonna get all
emotional and then they’re gonna go out
and win the game Eagles easily Seahawks
at Broncos Broncos are favored by two
and a half look it’s gonna be really
weird watching MVP caliber Russell
Wilson loose to Case Keenum week one of
the season but nevertheless that is the
fate the universe has decided for mr.
Siara
I got the Broncos yeah I’m gonna have to
disagree with you on that one I think
that the Seahawks get it done a lot of
questions with the Denver Broncos on
both sides of the ball and when I have
no real idea what’s gonna happen in the
game I’m gonna put my money on the MVP
mr. Russell Wilson
all right Steelers at Browns Browns are
getting five at home and good for them
but I will not pick the Browns against
the spread until they’re at above 500
team into the ghost of Joe Thomas I
sincerely apologize for that I’m gonna
have to disagree with you on this one
again I think the factory of sadness
finally becomes the factory of joy as
they win their first game in nearly two
years
and unlock those Bud Light refrigerators
and give out the free beer it’s gonna
happen
I like the Browns in Week one well maybe
they’ll set the Cuyahoga River on fire
and celebration that’s how they roll
there in Cleveland Bengals at Colts
– three and a half at home I expect
nothing productive in this game
whatsoever
what’s – three and a half of zero I
guess I’ve got the bangles yeah I’m
gonna absolutely disagree with you on
that one the definition of insanity is
doing the same thing over and over again
and having marvin lewis coach or squad
without showing any real results is the
Deaf is definitely insane so I’m gonna
take the coats
to further put the nails in the coffin
behind Marvin Lewis’s tenure by starting
with a weak one win well that just
furthers my theory that the Cincinnati
Bengals are a front for a drug cartel I
have no other explanation as to why
there are franchise or why Marvin Lewis
remains employed but nevertheless this
is where we’re at final game for us here
Titans at dolphins dolphins are getting
two at home this is not the team that
Ryan Tannehill left there are
tumbleweeds where a defensive line wide
receivers and running backs used to be I
would take Tennessee in a hurricane here
give me the Titans I’m going to have to
agree with you I really like what Marcus
Mariota does under center he’s fast he’s
he’s learning the game and I think this
is going to be a breakout year for him
so definitely going to agree with you
there that Titans win this one handily
handle oh thank god
my first show’s over ah Adam we made it
thank you so much for coming on
check out Adams Channel 5 points vids on
YouTube you can follow him on twitter at
5 points vids this has been our very
first pic segment i guess we’ll have
adam back next week adam you want to
come back next week yeah there aren’t
any games next week are there no bye
well actually there aren’t any games
this week we’re just like we we had to
do a pic segment and so this is our pic
segment alright I’ll come back next week
whatever alright there you have it a
guarantee from one of the biggest
celebrities on YouTube 5 Pointz vids for
our very first what the football pics
segment [Music]
people 2018 big board we reveal it next
also which one of your friends likes
drafting in the nude and picks picks
picks picks picks picks it’s all you
people want anyways
[Music]
[Applause]
welcome to what the football
I’m your host TJ carpenter and every
single week we’re going to give you the
exact same thing fantasy news daily
fantasy and gambling I’m just gonna come
right out and say it we’re giving you
picks against the spread with the
celebrity guests for your bedding and
perhaps erotic entertainment now we
start this fantasy show the way all
great fantasy shows should start with an
enormous big board of players we’ve
rated based on how valuable we think
they’re gonna be to your fantasy team
and this is the definitive big board and
as such will not change for any reason
all season and we’re gonna check this
bad boy out every single week to check
out just outright we were and I’m
guessing we’re gonna be pretty right
except for you Sam Bradford I refuse to
acknowledge that you’re on this list
what my call but apparently you were
hurt by a joke I made about how you’ve
been permanently wounded emotionally and
therefore have no need to fear aaron
donald and in dhama can sue speaking of
which the Rams defense is up on our
board I don’t know why we rank the
defense’s it seems like we could have
just found a better use for that space
also upon first glance I don’t believe
in Odell Beckham jr. and no I’m not
saying I lack confidence in him I don’t
believe he exists take a picture of our
big board it’ll last longer and you can
play along at home now it’s time to
introduce you to our team and continue
to prepare you for your fantasy draft
all in one punch every fantasy league is
on some level its own Stanford Prison
Experiment a confusing exercise designed
to expose the darker sides of our own
humanity here’s our attempt contain some
of the confusing terms and outright
abhorrent behavior you can expect from
your friends and family this season so
you’ve decided to ruin your football
watching experience by enhancing its
your fantasy football get ready to hate
yourself and everyone around you here a
few tips you should know and
participating your first ever fantasy
football draft avoid the strategy
oversharer
this is not the NFL draft anywhere not
Jerry freaking Joe
I don’t care why you took a particular
player in a particular spot and I don’t
care that you know that the average
production of an NFL running back tends
to go down at the age of 27 let me live
my life
then there’s pokerface guy hey guy
what’s with the poker face what exactly
you’re trying to hide injuries dates
with strippers what and pure luck will
decide this thing guy of course there’s
always over the confident person look at
you bringing your magazine draft guide
that was printed and made to the fantasy
draft your briefcase with wheels
constant trash-talking and aggressive
impatience is matched only by your
indecision and constant stalling every
time it’s your turn to make a pick and
then of course there’s mr. positive
reinforcement so confident in his picks
he’s outsourcing his confidence to you
did you see my team he’ll ask clutching
his roster and hand desperately seeking
affirmation this man will be the first
player to draft a kicker don’t be that
guy
it’s not just your competitors to the
draft you’ll need to look out for
there’s also a specific verbiage fantasy
football jargon if you will but you’ll
need to acclimate yourself with a DP
this has nothing to do with the gross
domestic product of you’re legal though
I’m sure it’s flourishing average draft
position it’s really valuable to know
where each player is being drafted fade
no not the high top kid and play fade
means avoiding a particular player due
to matchup for game like Zeke Elliott
versus the Broncos or Andy Reed versus
cheeseburgers battle he loses every time
PPR in Russia PPR stands for the pirate
party of Russia
no joke the more you know in this case
no pirates just points per reception
mock draft yes you heard that right as
if an actual fantasy draft does not mock
enough this is a fake draft you have to
prepare for another fake draft for a
fake league loosely based off of a game
or grown men play catch for three hours
there you have it I’m re Temkin and
remember you can lead a horse to water
but you can’t make him drink that you
can certainly make him drown
back to you TJ thanks Ari although I
have to disagree with you on that last
point no one tells John Elway what to do
and I’m pretty sure he’s gonna drink
whether you want him to or not now let’s
go out to our junior NFL cup reporter
Joshua Briscoe with an adorable little
piece we like to call fact or fraud
welcome to Factor fraud the first fact
is I’m your first fraud Joshua Briscoe
let’s talk about draft strategies Aaron
Rodgers and Tom Brady are frauds they
are yes two of the greatest quarterback
literally of all time both more or less
gods amongst men but they’re going too
high in fantasy drafts so therefore they
are frauds on espn.com Aaron Rodgers
average draft position is 27 and Tom
Brady’s is 31 implicit I get it if you
have the fifth overall pick in you and
Antonio Brown and it’s Melvin Gordon at
16 Aaron Rodgers at 25 you’re probably
pretty happy because you could make a
non insane argument that you have the
best player each of those positions but
if you do that you are screwed there at
least you’re not getting the best value
for your draft picks so here’s the fact
you’re better off loading up on running
backs and wide receivers throughout the
first several rounds and probably
running backs for the first two
receivers are crazy deep all the way
into the 40s and running backs get
really shallow really fast like like
Kardashian shallow it’s horrifying
quarterbacks are crazy deep way late
into the draft like at the very end
remember you don’t need Phillip Rivers
and Matthew Stafford to actually win you
more than eight games you just need them
for their sweet sweet fantasy points
Drew Brees and Duke Johnson are both
going in the 75th pick range so let’s
take back that 25th pick that you so
stupidly threw away on Aaron Rodgers and
get loose on McCoy instead so now you
can have Drew Brees and LeSean McCoy
or Aaron Rodgers and Juke Johnson I
don’t think you’re an idiot you don’t
look like an idiot don’t be an idiot or
you can wait to the hundred pick mark
and then go for a platoon of Jimmy
Garoppolo and Matthew Stafford or dak
Prescott or Philip Rivers or Alec Smith
or Patrick mahomes there are so many
options the runningback equivalent at
that point is Marlon Mack
so don’t waste your time on quarterbacks
early this year last year quarterbacks 2
through 8 scored within two points per
game of each other it’s not worth
swapping out Tom Brady for Matthew
Stafford when it also means swapping
Marlon Mac for LeSean McCoy
anyway I sign for me to go swing on the
play set for 12 hours and get to bed
early so I can be ready for my first day
of middle school tomorrow so I
relinquish the show back to the
geriatric TJ carpenter thanks Josh that
was adorable although I’m pretty sure
you’re a grown man living in your
mother’s basement and who knew that the
Indianapolis Colts general manager was
an orangutan joining us from Kansas City
Missouri it is Joshua Briscoe and
joining us from Dallas Texas it is
already Temkin gentlemen let’s get
things started is week five of the NFL
preseason the worst week imaginable to
Josh how about you yeah nice all right
thanks for giving to you something to
work with the answer is yes them all
right very good moving on NFL preseason
is of course the spam of sports it’s not
the real thing
but still delicious is there anything
you’re reading into this preseason Josh
other than the fact that Tyrod Taylor is
absolutely gonna play over Baker
Mayfield for 16 games even if he only
has one good arm Adrian Peterson maybe
just because I think it would be
hilarious for Daniel Snyder to employ a
running back that hasn’t been acceptable
since 2015 to pair with his team name
that hasn’t been acceptable since 1915
reaching down deep for that one Josh
that joke spanned a century re how about
you remember guys correlation does not
equal causation there’s no correlation
between success and the preseason and
success of the regular season sometimes
guys will have quality pre seasons and
the end of having good seasons sometimes
guys have quality pre seasons and then
flame out during the regular season so
always remember the correlation does not
equal causation I have no idea of any of
that made sense re but I agree with you
it did now moment of truth we need
definitive takes here gentlemen is there
any player regardless of matchup that
you’re gonna start every single week in
daily fantasy regardless of what the
matchup is damn that’s a good question
wow it’s a great question ah Philip
Rivers for me he’s a guy that
consistently outperforms his value he’s
a guy that if you’re looking
consistently forgot it’s not gonna be
priced too high it’s gonna be
middle-of-the-road that outperforms
value in a broad scope that’s Philip
Rivers well he’s also a man with a bolo
tie and that should not be forgotten
Josh how about you TJ that’s a really
dumb question if you’re talking about
daily fantasy that’s the whole point is
that you don’t have anybody but you have
to start every week
so I’m gonna probably go ahead and pay
for an elite starting running back every
week I’m probably gonna go and try to
get the number two receiver going up
against the Chiefs that currently employ
one good and healthy defensive back but
outside of that know taking the home
down defense you know to be terrible
savvy play there Josh I like it looking
forward to talking daily fantasy with
both of you gentlemen all throughout the
course of the season
go to hell TJ okay all right well love
you TJ see Josh you could learn a lot
from our eat emkin a senior inside NFL
reporter and if you okay you’re just
getting up and leaving alright that’s
great thank you very much we’ll see you
all right it is now time for our
celebrity pix segment that’s where we’re
burning in a celebrity and by celebrity
I mean the only youtuber responsible
enough to return an email it’s five
points BIG’s Adams coma which joins us
Adam how are you sir I’m doing well and
thank you for cheapening the word
celebrity I appreciate that
well I think in this instance it’s very
apropos alright this is how this works
we are going to pick games against the
spread every single week and if Adam
beats me he gets to come back or has to
come back next week depending on your
perspective Adam let’s pick some games
let’s start off with Falcons at Eagles
Eagles are minus three at home honestly
I’m surprised it’s not a billion
Superbowl champions always win these
games Doug Peterson could play
quarterback in this game and they’d win
by 10 I’ve got the Eagles yeah thanks
for reminding me that the Eagles are the
champions however I am going to agree
with you that the Eagles defend their
home turf week one they’re gonna get all
emotional and then they’re gonna go out
and win the game Eagles easily Seahawks
at Broncos Broncos are favored by two
and a half look it’s gonna be really
weird watching MVP caliber Russell
Wilson loose to Case Keenum week one of
the season but nevertheless that is the
fate the universe has decided for mr.
Siara
I got the Broncos yeah I’m gonna have to
disagree with you on that one I think
that the Seahawks get it done a lot of
questions with the Denver Broncos on
both sides of the ball and when I have
no real idea what’s gonna happen in the
game I’m gonna put my money on the MVP
mr. Russell Wilson
all right Steelers at Browns Browns are
getting five at home and good for them
but I will not pick the Browns against
the spread until they’re at above 500
team into the ghost of Joe Thomas I
sincerely apologize for that I’m gonna
have to disagree with you on this one
again I think the factory of sadness
finally becomes the factory of joy as
they win their first game in nearly two
years
and unlock those Bud Light refrigerators
and give out the free beer it’s gonna
happen
I like the Browns in Week one well maybe
they’ll set the Cuyahoga River on fire
and celebration that’s how they roll
there in Cleveland Bengals at Colts
– three and a half at home I expect
nothing productive in this game
whatsoever
what’s – three and a half of zero I
guess I’ve got the bangles yeah I’m
gonna absolutely disagree with you on
that one the definition of insanity is
doing the same thing over and over again
and having marvin lewis coach or squad
without showing any real results is the
Deaf is definitely insane so I’m gonna
take the coats
to further put the nails in the coffin
behind Marvin Lewis’s tenure by starting
with a weak one win well that just
furthers my theory that the Cincinnati
Bengals are a front for a drug cartel I
have no other explanation as to why
there are franchise or why Marvin Lewis
remains employed but nevertheless this
is where we’re at final game for us here
Titans at dolphins dolphins are getting
two at home this is not the team that
Ryan Tannehill left there are
tumbleweeds where a defensive line wide
receivers and running backs used to be I
would take Tennessee in a hurricane here
give me the Titans I’m going to have to
agree with you I really like what Marcus
Mariota does under center he’s fast he’s
he’s learning the game and I think this
is going to be a breakout year for him
so definitely going to agree with you
there that Titans win this one handily
handle oh thank god
my first show’s over ah Adam we made it
thank you so much for coming on
check out Adams Channel 5 points vids on
YouTube you can follow him on twitter at
5 points vids this has been our very
first pic segment i guess we’ll have
adam back next week adam you want to
come back next week yeah there aren’t
any games next week are there no bye
well actually there aren’t any games
this week we’re just like we we had to
do a pic segment and so this is our pic
segment alright I’ll come back next week
whatever alright there you have it a
guarantee from one of the biggest
celebrities on YouTube 5 Pointz vids for
our very first what the football pics
segment [Music]
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