[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
yes yes yes Canada
yes Montreal yes we yes good evening
Montreal welcome to the decline of the
American Empire oh okay something I
gather from that reaction you’ve been
waiting quite a long time for for
America let’s admit it the numbers don’t
look good over 9% unemployment fourteen
point three trillion dollars in debt but
you know what those are just facts and
at its best America has never been about
facts it’s been about belief it’s about
looking at a fact and saying no no no I
don’t think so let’s try something a
little better than that my favorite
moments in life are the halftime
speeches during American sports movies
where a team is about to get completely
massacred by the opposition in walks the
coach music swelling behind him and he
delivers a speech which lifts their
hearts and gets them to achieve the
impossible
you’ve seen these speeches Al Pacino in
any given Sunday tend to Washington in
that other one what America needs is at
the next State of the Union a president
to walk into Congress with a sports
drink in his hand throw it against the
wall and say what was that
what just happened out there are you
kidding me
Michigan you call that productivity
listen if you want to just coast through
life go and live in Canada at least
you’ll get free health care for doing
hey Wisconsin stop folding it enjoying
the fourth financial quarter you look
brother get out there stop LeBron in it
and Utah what do you even do you don’t
think the Dominican Republic want your
place on the flag that star alright
everyone take a knee take your knee now
although it looks bad out there and
there are people watching us that think
we’re done I don’t know maybe they’re
right maybe we just hand the number one
spot to China maybe we do that or maybe
we make them take it from us take it
from us with their tiny hands because
this planet is our house it’s our house
so let’s get out there and show everyone
why we stole this land from the Native
is it over for America I don’t know
what’s the evidence I could tell you one
story that I think is illustrative of
something I was in Boise Idaho recently
for the first and god-willing final time
and I saw something I will never forget
at the center of Boise right on Main
Street there was this huge gray building
and on the front of the building is just
one word written in golden letters and
that word is library and then there’s an
exclamation mark and I stood in front of
that building for what felt like hours
trying to figure out what that
exclamation mark was really trying to
say was it I know I can’t believe boys
he’s got a library either but I think we
have to learn to live with it now they
might be right America doesn’t need
libraries America doesn’t need books
there are plenty of books in the world
and plenty of people who’ve read them
they should stick to what they’re truly
great at TV have you got any idea just
how good the TV show wipeout is wipeout
is so good
America has finished television when you
watch wipeout you get that calm
sensation wash over you as he as if
you’re watching a country doing exactly
what it should be doing at this moment
in its history because watching wipeouts
is like watching the last days of
ancient Rome oh it’s spectacular and it
looks like fun but deep down I think
everyone knows it can’t last forever
and most countries would have stopped
there having finished something but I
guess there’s that special quality in
Americans that pioneering spirit which
throughout years has pushed them that
extra mile to achieve the incredible so
instead of stopping with wipeouts
instead of doing that they created a
program called down fall down fall was a
game show the difference though was the
in downfall if anyone failed to win a
particular prize that prize was pushed
prizes like grand pianos jet skis it was
taken off the air by ABC in America
after just six weeks presumably because
it was simply too good but think about
what we lost that day because that was
the biggest imaginable message to
terrorists we could possibly issue when
you push your jet ski
a jet ski from a 10 story building what
you’re essentially saying to them is
there is nothing you could do to us that
pass me another jetski these people
don’t frighten me i frighten me
Americans are heroes all of them and
I’ll tell you why Americans are heroes
they don’t waste time overthinking
things do you honestly think any other
country could have put a man on the moon
of course not that is a stupid thing to
do only America could pull that off
because only America would send his
friend up a few years later with a set
of golf clubs so they could whack a few
balls around out there it makes complete
sense if you don’t really think about it
most Guinness World Records held by
Americans there’s a very good reason for
this and that is that most Guinness
World Records are ridiculous and they
are good at that
only three human beings for instance
have ever jogged across the Sahara
Desert where were they from do you
really need me to tell you that or in
your hearts do you not already know
three Americans joking across one of the
least hospitable places on earth
iPods dangling out of areas hurdling
over refugees USA baby that’s another
one I wanted to see if this theory stood
up so I bought a Guinness Book of
Records which I in no way knew they
still made and I pulled out three
records at random to see who had
dominated each field record number one
was this most live rattlesnakes held in
the mouth is the answer
to that unexpected question who did that
Jack Bibby when 2006 what country is he
from I’ll give you a clue it’s got two
syllables and it starts with M that’s
right
murica murica did its record number two
oldest male stripper all cherish the
final few moments you have of not
knowing the answer to this 76 his name
Bernie Barker where’s he from this will
not surprise you Miami Florida that is
supply and demand that is capitalism at
its best and worst record number three
the Super Bowl
largest gathering of people dressed as
gorillas let me just give you the number
first because it’s instantly
overwhelming 637 think about that for a
second at that point you are either
importing gorilla costumes or making
them on-site because no one world city
has 637 gorilla costumes on the off
chance that people will mobilize and
require them at exactly the same time
think about the logistics involved when
did this happen
1999 where did it happen
[Applause]
no one dresses up as gorillas better
please Canada do not break that record
it is literally all my people has left
check out these other great clips and be
sure to subscribe and ring the bell to
be notified about our latest videos [Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
yes yes yes Canada
yes Montreal yes we yes good evening
Montreal welcome to the decline of the
American Empire oh okay something I
gather from that reaction you’ve been
waiting quite a long time for for
America let’s admit it the numbers don’t
look good over 9% unemployment fourteen
point three trillion dollars in debt but
you know what those are just facts and
at its best America has never been about
facts it’s been about belief it’s about
looking at a fact and saying no no no I
don’t think so let’s try something a
little better than that my favorite
moments in life are the halftime
speeches during American sports movies
where a team is about to get completely
massacred by the opposition in walks the
coach music swelling behind him and he
delivers a speech which lifts their
hearts and gets them to achieve the
impossible
you’ve seen these speeches Al Pacino in
any given Sunday tend to Washington in
that other one what America needs is at
the next State of the Union a president
to walk into Congress with a sports
drink in his hand throw it against the
wall and say what was that
what just happened out there are you
kidding me
Michigan you call that productivity
listen if you want to just coast through
life go and live in Canada at least
you’ll get free health care for doing
hey Wisconsin stop folding it enjoying
the fourth financial quarter you look
brother get out there stop LeBron in it
and Utah what do you even do you don’t
think the Dominican Republic want your
place on the flag that star alright
everyone take a knee take your knee now
although it looks bad out there and
there are people watching us that think
we’re done I don’t know maybe they’re
right maybe we just hand the number one
spot to China maybe we do that or maybe
we make them take it from us take it
from us with their tiny hands because
this planet is our house it’s our house
so let’s get out there and show everyone
why we stole this land from the Native
is it over for America I don’t know
what’s the evidence I could tell you one
story that I think is illustrative of
something I was in Boise Idaho recently
for the first and god-willing final time
and I saw something I will never forget
at the center of Boise right on Main
Street there was this huge gray building
and on the front of the building is just
one word written in golden letters and
that word is library and then there’s an
exclamation mark and I stood in front of
that building for what felt like hours
trying to figure out what that
exclamation mark was really trying to
say was it I know I can’t believe boys
he’s got a library either but I think we
have to learn to live with it now they
might be right America doesn’t need
libraries America doesn’t need books
there are plenty of books in the world
and plenty of people who’ve read them
they should stick to what they’re truly
great at TV have you got any idea just
how good the TV show wipeout is wipeout
is so good
America has finished television when you
watch wipeout you get that calm
sensation wash over you as he as if
you’re watching a country doing exactly
what it should be doing at this moment
in its history because watching wipeouts
is like watching the last days of
ancient Rome oh it’s spectacular and it
looks like fun but deep down I think
everyone knows it can’t last forever
and most countries would have stopped
there having finished something but I
guess there’s that special quality in
Americans that pioneering spirit which
throughout years has pushed them that
extra mile to achieve the incredible so
instead of stopping with wipeouts
instead of doing that they created a
program called down fall down fall was a
game show the difference though was the
in downfall if anyone failed to win a
particular prize that prize was pushed
prizes like grand pianos jet skis it was
taken off the air by ABC in America
after just six weeks presumably because
it was simply too good but think about
what we lost that day because that was
the biggest imaginable message to
terrorists we could possibly issue when
you push your jet ski
a jet ski from a 10 story building what
you’re essentially saying to them is
there is nothing you could do to us that
pass me another jetski these people
don’t frighten me i frighten me
Americans are heroes all of them and
I’ll tell you why Americans are heroes
they don’t waste time overthinking
things do you honestly think any other
country could have put a man on the moon
of course not that is a stupid thing to
do only America could pull that off
because only America would send his
friend up a few years later with a set
of golf clubs so they could whack a few
balls around out there it makes complete
sense if you don’t really think about it
most Guinness World Records held by
Americans there’s a very good reason for
this and that is that most Guinness
World Records are ridiculous and they
are good at that
only three human beings for instance
have ever jogged across the Sahara
Desert where were they from do you
really need me to tell you that or in
your hearts do you not already know
three Americans joking across one of the
least hospitable places on earth
iPods dangling out of areas hurdling
over refugees USA baby that’s another
one I wanted to see if this theory stood
up so I bought a Guinness Book of
Records which I in no way knew they
still made and I pulled out three
records at random to see who had
dominated each field record number one
was this most live rattlesnakes held in
the mouth is the answer
to that unexpected question who did that
Jack Bibby when 2006 what country is he
from I’ll give you a clue it’s got two
syllables and it starts with M that’s
right
murica murica did its record number two
oldest male stripper all cherish the
final few moments you have of not
knowing the answer to this 76 his name
Bernie Barker where’s he from this will
not surprise you Miami Florida that is
supply and demand that is capitalism at
its best and worst record number three
the Super Bowl
largest gathering of people dressed as
gorillas let me just give you the number
first because it’s instantly
overwhelming 637 think about that for a
second at that point you are either
importing gorilla costumes or making
them on-site because no one world city
has 637 gorilla costumes on the off
chance that people will mobilize and
require them at exactly the same time
think about the logistics involved when
did this happen
1999 where did it happen
[Applause]
no one dresses up as gorillas better
please Canada do not break that record
it is literally all my people has left
check out these other great clips and be
sure to subscribe and ring the bell to
be notified about our latest videos [Music]
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