so about a month ago I was sitting in
front of my computer screen trying to
fill out a scholarship application form
there were your typical scholarship
application form questions like Lister
community involvement or describe a time
when you took on leadership and then I
came across the question what are your
hobbies as I sat there in front of my
computer screen staring at that big
empty white box I surprisingly found
myself unable to answer the supposedly
simple question what are your hobbies
what are my hobbies to help me answer
this question I first asked myself well
what do I like to do in my free time
well first of all what do I even define
is my free time my free time is that
time when I don’t have to study for a
big test for school I don’t have to do
homework for school I don’t have to
volunteer for school basically when I
don’t have to do any school related
activities and then I realized well that
means I don’t really have any free time
then because Here I am during my free
time sitting in front my computer screen
trying to fill out the scholarship
application form for school I would much
rather stay at home and study for a big
test then go to a party or go with
friends as lean as it sounds I would
much rather do some extra textbook
questions for review then go into social
media or get onto Netflix I would much
rather do all these things and it’s not
because I like to do homework or I like
to work but because if I’m not working
24/7 I feel like I’m wasting time the
simple question what are your hobbies
made me realise that I don’t really have
any hobbies because I don’t really have
any free time to explore my hobbies
because I’m a student and my life
revolves around being a student being a
student not only entails working for
those outstanding grades and trying to
working for those outstanding grades but
also trying to get involved with as many
things as possible like volunteer
opportunities clubs and councils it’s
always about trying to add to that
resume trying to find something to write
about it those application essays doing
all the things a student should do in
order to be considered a good student
because of my obsession we’re trying to
be a good student I never really had any
time to explore Who I am as an
individual all these realizations
to fear within me a fear of what then
I’m not gonna be a student forever
hopefully what will happen when I no
longer have to go to school and I no
longer have to be a student if I’m not
gonna wake up to do homework or to study
for a test or to volunteer what am I
going to wake up to how am I going to
keep myself busy occupy my time I have
no idea who I am outside of being a
student because I spent every waking
minute of my day mindlessly working away
I have close to zero personality and
that scares me because I’m at this point
in my life
somewhere between school obsessed
student and free to do whatever I want
adult and I would much rather stay
closer to school obsessed student on the
spectrum transitioning into becoming an
independent and self driven adult is
really really really scary when you have
no idea who you are or what you want to
do with your life so from one uh turley
confused student to another i have
compiled a list of four things that
might help you on your journey if you
will to forming a personality number one
admit that you are lost if you were to
ask me to describe myself I would
probably say something along the lines
of predictable self-assured and decisive
I always say these words with uneasiness
because I’m simply trying to cover up
the fact that I’m a person who needs
control I’m a person who needs order I’m
a person who forces myself to make final
decisions to be confident in those final
decisions and to follow a set agenda or
plan because I want to stay as far away
as possible from the sinking feeling of
vulnerability for as long as I can
remember I’ve always been extremely
jealous of my cousin who is the
definition of perfection in my parents
eyes she’s smarter prettier taller has a
better eyebrows has all the trophy
boyfriends and seems to be truly loved
by everybody who meets her every
Christmas party and summer family
barbecue was an opportunity for me to
knock her off her pedestal to show my
parents that I could be just like her or
a slightly better version of her and it
consumed me to the bone when the stress
became too much I realized that the
healthiest thing a person can do
and times of vulnerability is to admit
that you’re flawed and that there are
missing pieces you can’t be everything
or have all the qualities that everybody
else around you has similarly to how you
can’t know everything about who you are
or what you want to do with your life
probably the healthiest and most crucial
first step a person can do towards
identifying themselves is to be honest
admit that you’re a student whose first
priority is school and nothing but
school admit that you have no idea who
you are outside of being a student that
you have close to zero personality and
that you were lost admit that you are a
boring school oriented workaholic and
that you fear the future
fear the prospect of stepping into
adulthood without really knowing who you
are and this brings me to my next point
number two embrace the beauty and not
knowing who you are once you’ve come to
terms with your fear of the unknown
future welcomed it with open arms and
see all the potential that lies within
not knowing who you actually are prepare
yourself to take on all the new
opportunities that come your way
to go through all the open doors to sift
through all the options to see what’s
right for you and what you like to do
I’m currently in the middle of doing
just that
I tell myself to be aware of all the
opportunities that come by and if I show
the slightest interest in them to just
do it and take the chance and that’s why
I’m standing here in front of you all
speaking today for a school oriented
perfectionist who is obsessed with
following a specific plan or agenda this
task can be exceptionally hard to do
something to keep in mind is that the
same idea of letting go of control
invest time in doing something you love
but even if you don’t know that you like
it or not yet still do it because you
might actually end up like you might
actually end up liking it not everything
needs to have an ultimate end goal or a
set purpose not everything needs to be
an efficient use of time or play a clear
role in the grand scheme of you figuring
out who you are it’s okay to sit down
for a few hours for no good reason and
watch Grey’s Anatomy it’s okay to go out
with friends for a night and it’s okay
to leave all your homework to the last
minute once in a while it’s okay to do
all these things it’s okay to waste time
because it’s part of being human
take the time to waste time and you’ll
notice that in the long run it
does help with figuring out who you are
number three probably the weirdest thing
a person can do in trying to get rid of
a bad habit is unknowingly going back to
that bad habit while the goal is to take
some time away from working and away
from being fixated on school in order to
try new things and see who you are as a
person
don’t let the workaholic sight of you
turn that into another soul destroying
personality inhibiting addiction the
point isn’t to form yourself or to form
a personality before you enter adulthood
the point is to let it come naturally to
you
don’t go out looking for who you are
create it and take all the time you need
doing so trust in the fact that as long
as new things are welcome to tried you
will figure out who you are and don’t
feel like forming a personality has a
due date because there is no set
timeline
don’t let forming a personality become
another task on your endless to-do list
so back to the question that started
this all what are my hobbies well the
application was due a month about a
month ago so I had to write something in
that big empty white box I ended up
writing some automatic answer that I
always put in those types of questions
to make myself sound more interesting
than I actually am I like to play piano
I think to volunteer I like to explore
the outdoors etc etc now don’t get me
wrong I actually do enjoy doing all of
those things but why did I start doing
those things in the first place because
from the very beginning I was obsessed
with trying to strive as a student or
excel as a student and I was obsessed
with trying to shape myself into a
well-rounded individual who I could
write about in scholarship application
forms today now there’s nothing wrong
with trying to excel in school in fact I
think it’s a great quality to have
but along with being fixated on school
and work comes the fear of entering
adulthood believing you don’t know who
you are and notice how I use the word
believes because this brings me to my
fourth and final point which kind of
contradicts everything that I’ve said so
far but might be reassuring to my fellow
school and work addicts while it is
commonly assumed that those who are
fixated on work in school have zero
personality I like to think that there’s
actually no such thing as zero
personality disorder I realized that
being a perfectionist and being a
workaholic is my personality and it’s
not all bad
I think it’s allowed me to develop some
traits that I’m actually proud of having
today like determination the ability to
focus well conscientiousness and my
attention to detail while it’s great and
healthy to take some time away from work
and away from school to de-stress and to
try new things remember that being a
perfectionist and being a workaholic is
part of who you are
accept and appreciate the fact that you
are a perfectionist and that you are a
workaholic and that you’re not as boring
as you thought you were thank you [Applause]
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