hi um so a few years ago I was in school
at st. Michael’s College I was busy
injecting rats with nicotine to study
its effect on their motivational
behavior
well I imagined what my life would be
like in Beirut where I was planning to
continue my studies in neuropsychology
the following year and I remember this
co-worker at the time telling me was
sort of this glazed look of fascination
like Oh in six months you’re going to be
a mouthful on post-graduation
existential crisis a panic mode and I
remember thinking he was wrong because I
had a plan
and I already had my existential crisis
last year so I didn’t really see why I
would have another um so six months
later and I’m in the full-on
post-graduation existential crisis panic
I was completely doubting what I was
doing what I had been working towards
comparing myself to everyone around me
wondering what I should be doing
I was compulsively doing tarot card
readings not because I believed in them
but I just was hoping for any sign of
what to do next and after the series of
anxiety induced dreams in which I was
this terrible mother because I was
trying to focus on so many things of
what I should be doing what I ought to
be doing with my career that I forgot
that I actually had kids and this
therapist sat me down and was like look
these dreams are having or not prophetic
you’re probably not going to be a
terrible mother but um they might be
trying to tell you something and maybe
there’s some sort of inner child that
you’re neglecting that you could really
learn something to apply to your life so
I took a deep breath and I committed to
and with that being my only goal I
bought a one-way ticket to LA and
decided to just fill my time with
cleaning the absolute necessities
finding a job an apartment and then just
doing what seemed fun for me that was
making chocolate and writing comedy and
the first nine months of this plan went
great
I had written the script at the end of
nine months we were talking to
production companies I was working for
the writer of narcos I even had
investors asking to get involved in this
chocolate business that I just started
for fun out of my kitchen
and I was living on the beach I was
literally realizing my dreams without
even realizing him that I was realizing
them and then I was brought to the next
realization of this sort of experiment
which was much harder and that was that
not predicting the future is a skill it
takes practice so around nine months and
I start to slip up in this plan to not
think about the future and I realized
that I only had three months left of not
thinking about the future and then what
was I going to be doing with my life I
wasn’t sure if I was ready to commit to
actually being a writer because all
these opportunities that hadn’t even
conceived myself as like potential
things that could happen nine months ago
suddenly seemed to be like the
determinant of my future success as a
person and when the script wasn’t
selling immediately and this talk show
that we were offered a spot on what’s
going under before it even we had the
chance to appear on it suddenly I
started to panic and compare myself
again to what everyone else around me
was doing I was wondering why I didn’t
have a job at CAA or Nickelodeon or vice
and not just my career but I was
wondering where my life story was going
it didn’t seem interesting enough to
continue being a writer I was jealous of
my boyfriend at the time not because he
had an Emmy but because he had been held
in a Chinese prison and I had never been
held in prison anywhere so I didn’t know
what that said about my where my life
was going
so as this year kind of came to a close
I had an emotional breakdown or another
crisis in part triggered by this
infection but which ironically I didn’t
realize how sick I was at the time
because I was so busy comparing myself
to how everyone else had cooler lives or
near-death experiences and whatever I
was going through so I decided to do the
mature adult thing and commit to a more
predictable future just leave the
writing aside as a side project despite
much encouragement from established
writers or producers or friends I said
to just keep going with it that it was
fine I was not ready to commit to a
future of uncertainty so I decided to
move back to the East Coast and find a
certain stable job luckily this child as
well within a few weeks of being back in
New York I was introduced to my new
writing partner and this person who I
never imagined I would meet but happened
to have their own series of eclectic
friends so scripts that I had been
working on as a side project that I
wasn’t really trying to think about the
future of because that just to me would
immediately lead to all this anxiety
about whether it could fail or not took
a turn from an aimless romantic comedy
to an underground espionage leading up
to the 2016 elections and suddenly we
were working with and befriend me and
these former spies these former CIA
officers former sex workers professional
hackers all these people with these
incredible stories that were helping us
to create this new dream that I couldn’t
have imagined would even be a dream six
months ago by the end of that year we
had been to over 14 countries all of
which were on the verge of this
potential radical political change
uh we were shooting with the head of
Ukrainian special forces in Ukraine we
toured Kiev with protesters who four
years earlier while I was still in
school were literally fighting in the
sewers against the military for the
future of their country but they really
truly believed in then we were in Kenya
with a woman who risks her life
probably like bi-weekly to save girls
from early forced marriage and at some
point I realized that I was once again
fulfilling my childhood dreams and it
was nothing like what I imagined they
were a year ago or two years ago three
years ago and I had given up on that
predictable future and I also realized
not predicting not thinking about the
future not predicting the future is not
about having these hopes or dreams but
it’s realizing you have no idea where
these dreams might leave you there’s
definitely still moments today where I
start to doubt everything I’m doing and
despite being told by people that have
been involved in the industry for a very
long time that the script and the story
we’re working on is in the best possible
spot short of being guaranteed and sold
I start to doubt if I’m not doing enough
to guarantee my future or to guarantee a
success I’ll start to again compare
myself to everyone around me thinking
why I haven’t kidnapped for criminals
any to Flavia or really any thing but
people around me um and it’s usually in
these moments that somebody will have to
remind me usually it’s my writing
partner or a friend the last time I was
having one of these moments my writing
partner pulled me out of this was like
listen you were in Ramallah in the West
Bank right now surrounded by friends
that are Embassy employees and
what about your childhood self would not
be happy and I realize first of all that
he was right and also that it’s probably
for the best that I didn’t stick to my
actual childhood dream which was
becoming Britney Spears and that none of
these people that sometimes I’m filled
with this childlike sense of wonder and
I’m so inspired by and so happy and then
in my more anxious moments wondering why
I’m not doing what they’re doing I
realized they all had these amazing
stories and are living in these
completely uncertain futures and
uncertain communities whether it’s in
Ukraine or Russia or Ramallah or DC but
they’re all working towards their dreams
and I realized that my future is still
very uncertain but the ability to act
towards my dreams whatever they become is always going to be certain
at st. Michael’s College I was busy
injecting rats with nicotine to study
its effect on their motivational
behavior
well I imagined what my life would be
like in Beirut where I was planning to
continue my studies in neuropsychology
the following year and I remember this
co-worker at the time telling me was
sort of this glazed look of fascination
like Oh in six months you’re going to be
a mouthful on post-graduation
existential crisis a panic mode and I
remember thinking he was wrong because I
had a plan
and I already had my existential crisis
last year so I didn’t really see why I
would have another um so six months
later and I’m in the full-on
post-graduation existential crisis panic
I was completely doubting what I was
doing what I had been working towards
comparing myself to everyone around me
wondering what I should be doing
I was compulsively doing tarot card
readings not because I believed in them
but I just was hoping for any sign of
what to do next and after the series of
anxiety induced dreams in which I was
this terrible mother because I was
trying to focus on so many things of
what I should be doing what I ought to
be doing with my career that I forgot
that I actually had kids and this
therapist sat me down and was like look
these dreams are having or not prophetic
you’re probably not going to be a
terrible mother but um they might be
trying to tell you something and maybe
there’s some sort of inner child that
you’re neglecting that you could really
learn something to apply to your life so
I took a deep breath and I committed to
and with that being my only goal I
bought a one-way ticket to LA and
decided to just fill my time with
cleaning the absolute necessities
finding a job an apartment and then just
doing what seemed fun for me that was
making chocolate and writing comedy and
the first nine months of this plan went
great
I had written the script at the end of
nine months we were talking to
production companies I was working for
the writer of narcos I even had
investors asking to get involved in this
chocolate business that I just started
for fun out of my kitchen
and I was living on the beach I was
literally realizing my dreams without
even realizing him that I was realizing
them and then I was brought to the next
realization of this sort of experiment
which was much harder and that was that
not predicting the future is a skill it
takes practice so around nine months and
I start to slip up in this plan to not
think about the future and I realized
that I only had three months left of not
thinking about the future and then what
was I going to be doing with my life I
wasn’t sure if I was ready to commit to
actually being a writer because all
these opportunities that hadn’t even
conceived myself as like potential
things that could happen nine months ago
suddenly seemed to be like the
determinant of my future success as a
person and when the script wasn’t
selling immediately and this talk show
that we were offered a spot on what’s
going under before it even we had the
chance to appear on it suddenly I
started to panic and compare myself
again to what everyone else around me
was doing I was wondering why I didn’t
have a job at CAA or Nickelodeon or vice
and not just my career but I was
wondering where my life story was going
it didn’t seem interesting enough to
continue being a writer I was jealous of
my boyfriend at the time not because he
had an Emmy but because he had been held
in a Chinese prison and I had never been
held in prison anywhere so I didn’t know
what that said about my where my life
was going
so as this year kind of came to a close
I had an emotional breakdown or another
crisis in part triggered by this
infection but which ironically I didn’t
realize how sick I was at the time
because I was so busy comparing myself
to how everyone else had cooler lives or
near-death experiences and whatever I
was going through so I decided to do the
mature adult thing and commit to a more
predictable future just leave the
writing aside as a side project despite
much encouragement from established
writers or producers or friends I said
to just keep going with it that it was
fine I was not ready to commit to a
future of uncertainty so I decided to
move back to the East Coast and find a
certain stable job luckily this child as
well within a few weeks of being back in
New York I was introduced to my new
writing partner and this person who I
never imagined I would meet but happened
to have their own series of eclectic
friends so scripts that I had been
working on as a side project that I
wasn’t really trying to think about the
future of because that just to me would
immediately lead to all this anxiety
about whether it could fail or not took
a turn from an aimless romantic comedy
to an underground espionage leading up
to the 2016 elections and suddenly we
were working with and befriend me and
these former spies these former CIA
officers former sex workers professional
hackers all these people with these
incredible stories that were helping us
to create this new dream that I couldn’t
have imagined would even be a dream six
months ago by the end of that year we
had been to over 14 countries all of
which were on the verge of this
potential radical political change
uh we were shooting with the head of
Ukrainian special forces in Ukraine we
toured Kiev with protesters who four
years earlier while I was still in
school were literally fighting in the
sewers against the military for the
future of their country but they really
truly believed in then we were in Kenya
with a woman who risks her life
probably like bi-weekly to save girls
from early forced marriage and at some
point I realized that I was once again
fulfilling my childhood dreams and it
was nothing like what I imagined they
were a year ago or two years ago three
years ago and I had given up on that
predictable future and I also realized
not predicting not thinking about the
future not predicting the future is not
about having these hopes or dreams but
it’s realizing you have no idea where
these dreams might leave you there’s
definitely still moments today where I
start to doubt everything I’m doing and
despite being told by people that have
been involved in the industry for a very
long time that the script and the story
we’re working on is in the best possible
spot short of being guaranteed and sold
I start to doubt if I’m not doing enough
to guarantee my future or to guarantee a
success I’ll start to again compare
myself to everyone around me thinking
why I haven’t kidnapped for criminals
any to Flavia or really any thing but
people around me um and it’s usually in
these moments that somebody will have to
remind me usually it’s my writing
partner or a friend the last time I was
having one of these moments my writing
partner pulled me out of this was like
listen you were in Ramallah in the West
Bank right now surrounded by friends
that are Embassy employees and
what about your childhood self would not
be happy and I realize first of all that
he was right and also that it’s probably
for the best that I didn’t stick to my
actual childhood dream which was
becoming Britney Spears and that none of
these people that sometimes I’m filled
with this childlike sense of wonder and
I’m so inspired by and so happy and then
in my more anxious moments wondering why
I’m not doing what they’re doing I
realized they all had these amazing
stories and are living in these
completely uncertain futures and
uncertain communities whether it’s in
Ukraine or Russia or Ramallah or DC but
they’re all working towards their dreams
and I realized that my future is still
very uncertain but the ability to act
towards my dreams whatever they become is always going to be certain
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