[Music]
[Applause]
do you know people who are quick to
judge quick to criticize others and who
feel morally superior and justified in
their view well I’m one of them two
summers ago I met a guy named Dave at a
conference at the opening cocktail party
we’re drinking chatting how do you like
the conference the food the vibe it’s
very friendly and casual until the
conversation turns to politics and
without getting into our political
affiliations Dave turns to me and he
says you know I’m not a porcupine I’m a
hedgehog my first reaction is visceral
like what what did he just say did he
just say he was a head chug
wait a minute there are hedgehogs at
this conference and that was the
beginning of this cascading series of
thoughts in my head so the friendly
feeling of a cocktail chat it’s fading
quickly he’s a hedgehog I am a porcupine
we’re on different teams it was
immediately him versus me when someone
disagrees with their ideas it can it can
feel like a threat even a personal
attack on our beliefs our principles our
integrity our whole system mind and body
get activated our body moves from
relaxation to physical tension anger and
defensiveness we lose access to our
rational mind the amygdala the place in
our brain that governs alarm and danger
gets fired up and fills us with a dread
and emotion I’m ready the brain says and
I was I was ready to fight and argue and
defend I mean who was he to tell me
porcupines have it all wrong
now of course Dave didn’t say that
but I’m having this parallel
conversation with Dave in my head and
it’s really loud
I mean I felt like he had threatened my
whole porcupine existence but did he did
he attack my character or accuse me of
being misinformed no he just said he was
a hedgehog poor Dave our beliefs about
ourselves in the world they’re the
result of many things things conscious
and unconscious public and deeply
private our history and family our
relationships and experiences the
actions we take in the world even our
failures disappointments losses they’re
all pieces of our identity woven
together to create our view of the world
so Dave and I get into it
we start with abortion now I’m sort of
listening today but I’m really just
forming my own arguments in my head
because I know the typical Hedgehog view
of abortion so I’m convinced I know
exactly what to expect from Dave from
there we go on to debate Israel another
low stress subject the conference rat
it’s about Jewish leadership so there
are plenty of religious and cultural
things to debate which we do then we go
on to debate the death penalty at this
point I don’t know what Dave is saying
all I know is I was right
self-righteousness the conviction that
I’m right and you’re wrong and that
moral certainty that my views are the
correct ones porcupines are better
hedgehogs
they’re not that bright and to be honest
they’re not that attractive either they
waddle around on those fat leg
my judgment is so clouded I can’t even
see that there’s room for both views I
hear myself saying things like that’s
outrageous and how ridiculous words that
denigrate so in my head not only is Dave
wrong he’s also stupid the problem with
this way of thinking it distances us
from the other person it puts us into
camps it’s the opposite of creating a
bridge our inclination to judge others
it’s one of the most powerful impulses
we have now judgment is a neutral term
it can mean discernment or
thoughtfulness but in this instance it
means making negative assumptions of
another and it comes from in part our
own insecurities how does it work well
our feelings of insecurity and
inadequacy they’re really hard to sit
with they feel uncomfortable and we hate
that part of ourselves so we project all
of those feelings outward and find fault
with everyone else for example in my
younger years I was a professional
dancer I gave it up to go follow a
boyfriend out to California I have a lot
of conflict about letting it go so I
could go find a ballet class to go to
right but somehow I never get there all
that regret and conflict would get
stirred up so now whenever I go to a
dance event even at my kids school I
find myself getting irrationally
critical and judgmental the choreography
it’s terrible she’s not pointing her
toes all of my own insecurities comes
pouring out in the form of judgment of a
bunch of 12 year olds at their local
dance recital so where are we with Dave
my mind is racing with all kinds of
negative thoughts about how idiotic he
is and not just his ideas him I know I
met him about 10 minutes ago but I’ve
written him off
total jerk so last summer I see Dave
again at another conference and when I
see him I think oh there’s that guy
again what’s he gonna say now we start
talking turns out he’s also the parent
of a high school senior we talked about
getting our kids ready for college the
challenges of parenting and adolescent
no talk of porcupines or hedgehogs
I think this bit of shared experience
plus the passage of time kind of gives
me pause it slows me down to get a
different perspective on Dave I hate to
admit it he’s a really nice guy after we
say goodbye I almost turn around and
apologize for my behavior that first
summer but I don’t so what can we do
when we encounter someone with a
different view how can we mitigate our
own reactivity well the first thing is
to recognize how emotional our belief
system is and how quickly our mind moves
from rational to irrational slowing down
our reaction time is vital this helps us
to resist that temptation to be right
and that impulse to judge and denigrate
I wish I could redo that first summer
with Dave if I could how might it go
well when he revealed his hedgehog
status I might have tried to grab hold
of my rational mind are any of you dog
owners do you know when your dog sees
another dog across the street and lunges
forward and you’re like whoa whoa slow
down let’s just say hello let’s just
have a sniff the dog is our own mind and
when Dave told me he was a hedgehog I
lunged forward into all kinds of
accusations and assumptions if I could
redo it I would have said all right he’s
a hedgehog let’s find out what he
actually thinks
being right feels good but it doesn’t
further the conversation or help us
listen to what someone is actually
saying instead of arguing with Dave in
my head I might have said okay tell me
more so I understand and if I felt that
judgment creep in I could have asked
myself whoa am i projecting something
that I’m insecure about I don’t know if
I’ll ever see Dave again but I know he
won’t be the last person I meet that I
disagree with and when that time comes I
hope I can hold on to my rational mind
slow down and really listen and maybe
then I’ll learn something about a view
different from my own thank you
you
[Applause]
do you know people who are quick to
judge quick to criticize others and who
feel morally superior and justified in
their view well I’m one of them two
summers ago I met a guy named Dave at a
conference at the opening cocktail party
we’re drinking chatting how do you like
the conference the food the vibe it’s
very friendly and casual until the
conversation turns to politics and
without getting into our political
affiliations Dave turns to me and he
says you know I’m not a porcupine I’m a
hedgehog my first reaction is visceral
like what what did he just say did he
just say he was a head chug
wait a minute there are hedgehogs at
this conference and that was the
beginning of this cascading series of
thoughts in my head so the friendly
feeling of a cocktail chat it’s fading
quickly he’s a hedgehog I am a porcupine
we’re on different teams it was
immediately him versus me when someone
disagrees with their ideas it can it can
feel like a threat even a personal
attack on our beliefs our principles our
integrity our whole system mind and body
get activated our body moves from
relaxation to physical tension anger and
defensiveness we lose access to our
rational mind the amygdala the place in
our brain that governs alarm and danger
gets fired up and fills us with a dread
and emotion I’m ready the brain says and
I was I was ready to fight and argue and
defend I mean who was he to tell me
porcupines have it all wrong
now of course Dave didn’t say that
but I’m having this parallel
conversation with Dave in my head and
it’s really loud
I mean I felt like he had threatened my
whole porcupine existence but did he did
he attack my character or accuse me of
being misinformed no he just said he was
a hedgehog poor Dave our beliefs about
ourselves in the world they’re the
result of many things things conscious
and unconscious public and deeply
private our history and family our
relationships and experiences the
actions we take in the world even our
failures disappointments losses they’re
all pieces of our identity woven
together to create our view of the world
so Dave and I get into it
we start with abortion now I’m sort of
listening today but I’m really just
forming my own arguments in my head
because I know the typical Hedgehog view
of abortion so I’m convinced I know
exactly what to expect from Dave from
there we go on to debate Israel another
low stress subject the conference rat
it’s about Jewish leadership so there
are plenty of religious and cultural
things to debate which we do then we go
on to debate the death penalty at this
point I don’t know what Dave is saying
all I know is I was right
self-righteousness the conviction that
I’m right and you’re wrong and that
moral certainty that my views are the
correct ones porcupines are better
hedgehogs
they’re not that bright and to be honest
they’re not that attractive either they
waddle around on those fat leg
my judgment is so clouded I can’t even
see that there’s room for both views I
hear myself saying things like that’s
outrageous and how ridiculous words that
denigrate so in my head not only is Dave
wrong he’s also stupid the problem with
this way of thinking it distances us
from the other person it puts us into
camps it’s the opposite of creating a
bridge our inclination to judge others
it’s one of the most powerful impulses
we have now judgment is a neutral term
it can mean discernment or
thoughtfulness but in this instance it
means making negative assumptions of
another and it comes from in part our
own insecurities how does it work well
our feelings of insecurity and
inadequacy they’re really hard to sit
with they feel uncomfortable and we hate
that part of ourselves so we project all
of those feelings outward and find fault
with everyone else for example in my
younger years I was a professional
dancer I gave it up to go follow a
boyfriend out to California I have a lot
of conflict about letting it go so I
could go find a ballet class to go to
right but somehow I never get there all
that regret and conflict would get
stirred up so now whenever I go to a
dance event even at my kids school I
find myself getting irrationally
critical and judgmental the choreography
it’s terrible she’s not pointing her
toes all of my own insecurities comes
pouring out in the form of judgment of a
bunch of 12 year olds at their local
dance recital so where are we with Dave
my mind is racing with all kinds of
negative thoughts about how idiotic he
is and not just his ideas him I know I
met him about 10 minutes ago but I’ve
written him off
total jerk so last summer I see Dave
again at another conference and when I
see him I think oh there’s that guy
again what’s he gonna say now we start
talking turns out he’s also the parent
of a high school senior we talked about
getting our kids ready for college the
challenges of parenting and adolescent
no talk of porcupines or hedgehogs
I think this bit of shared experience
plus the passage of time kind of gives
me pause it slows me down to get a
different perspective on Dave I hate to
admit it he’s a really nice guy after we
say goodbye I almost turn around and
apologize for my behavior that first
summer but I don’t so what can we do
when we encounter someone with a
different view how can we mitigate our
own reactivity well the first thing is
to recognize how emotional our belief
system is and how quickly our mind moves
from rational to irrational slowing down
our reaction time is vital this helps us
to resist that temptation to be right
and that impulse to judge and denigrate
I wish I could redo that first summer
with Dave if I could how might it go
well when he revealed his hedgehog
status I might have tried to grab hold
of my rational mind are any of you dog
owners do you know when your dog sees
another dog across the street and lunges
forward and you’re like whoa whoa slow
down let’s just say hello let’s just
have a sniff the dog is our own mind and
when Dave told me he was a hedgehog I
lunged forward into all kinds of
accusations and assumptions if I could
redo it I would have said all right he’s
a hedgehog let’s find out what he
actually thinks
being right feels good but it doesn’t
further the conversation or help us
listen to what someone is actually
saying instead of arguing with Dave in
my head I might have said okay tell me
more so I understand and if I felt that
judgment creep in I could have asked
myself whoa am i projecting something
that I’m insecure about I don’t know if
I’ll ever see Dave again but I know he
won’t be the last person I meet that I
disagree with and when that time comes I
hope I can hold on to my rational mind
slow down and really listen and maybe
then I’ll learn something about a view
different from my own thank you
you
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