[Applause]
all right all right so before I begin I
want to start by naming that some of the
things I’m going to be talking about
today may be triggering to some
individuals in the space and while I in
no way intend to upset anyone I do
intend to guide us through some
discomfort that’s likely to fester in
this space if at any point you do feel
triggered please take care of yourself
in whatever way that looks like for you
because self-care is the most important
thing I’d like to start by telling you a
story a few years ago I met a guy named
Michael and it was great we met working
for the same organization and we
instantly hit it off Michael and I
bonded over our favorite movies and
Netflix shows we had some friendly
sports banter and really just had the
same sense of humor
we formed a sort of relationship after
some time I started to notice that the
dynamic between Michael and I began to
change whenever I would bring up my own
ideas or opinions or thoughts about
certain subjects Michael would
immediately dismiss me or tell me to
stop talking about whatever it was I was
bringing up and when I told him I didn’t
like the way that he was treating me he
did insist that I was being
oversensitive or that I was bringing
about this treatment and it was
completely my fault Michael would even
call me names thinking he was being
funny and when I told him that I didn’t
think that those things that he was
saying were very funny again he did
insist that I was overreacting and that
he should be able to say whatever he
wanted because freedom of speech after a
while I really didn’t say anything when
Michael would treat me this way I just
sort of sat there and took it I was
scared to say anything so instead I said
nothing now I want you to hold on to
this story because we’re going to come
back to it I want to talk to you now
about a couple of concepts called power
and control now power is defined by an
individual’s ability to influence
someone’s behaviors or different events
while control is defined as an as an
individual’s ability to
typically determine those behaviors now
I would argue that power and control
shows up a lot in our modern us society
we see it in our pop culture we see it
in our history textbooks we see it in
our favorite shows but when I think of
the words power and control something
that immediately comes to mind for me is
the power in control wheel now really
quickly by a show of hands who here has
heard of this tool okay I see some hands
so just to be safe let’s go ahead and go
over it the power and control wheel is
used by professionals to find patterns
of abuse in real intimate and romantic
relationships it comes from the Duluth
model or the domestic abuse intervention
project which is an organization
designed to increase awareness about and
reduce the amount of violence against
women the power and control wheel
combines physical violence sexual and
emotional violence together to find
those patterns that we’re seeing of
abuse in relationships and when we look
at the power and control wheel I would
say that the things that we see are
pretty obvious things like emotional
abuse putting your partner down making
them feel bad about themselves or making
them feel guilty or minimizing denying
or blaming making light of the abuse not
taking the your partner’s concerns very
seriously or shifting the
responsibilities thing that they caused
the abuse or even economic abuse
preventing your partner from getting a
job or keeping a job making them ask you
for money or taking their money I’m
willing to bet that if any of you saw
these patterns occurring in one of your
friends relationships you’d probably
have some reason for concern and be
concerned about your friend you’d
probably talk to them about the patterns
that you were seeing you might do some
research to figure out what exactly you
are seeing and how you can effectively
intervene but most importantly you do
something about it this is because
generally we collectively agree that
abuse can happen in intimate romantic
relationships most of us don’t dispute
it and when we see it happening we
listen we engage and we act I want to go
back to this too
that I was telling you about earlier
about the guy Michael that I met he was
making me feel pretty small by a show of
hands how many of you would say that
there were some power and control
dynamics occurring and maybe some
instances of abuse here’s the thing
Michael and I were not in an intimate
romantic relationship Michael and I were
just colleagues he identified as a white
man just as I identify as a black woman
and the issues experiences and feelings
that I was bringing up all centered
around race and race relations in our
country Michaels whiteness and his
inability to hear me when I was bringing
up these concerns are really what ruined
our relationship you see I met Michael
around the time black lives matter
protests were breaking out across the
country and race became a subject that
was really unavoidable we saw it on our
TV we saw it on the news we saw it with
our politicians it came up in social
interactions it was in the classroom
really it was unavoidable because of the
friendship that I’d formed with Michael
I believed that I could bring up these
issues with him because as a black woman
these were things that directly affected
me clearly I was wrong and I very
quickly became the object of Michael’s
abuse in my experience I need a lot of
really well-intentioned white people who
care about racial equality and care
about social justice but when they try
to engage in conversations about race
they either don’t know how to do it
effectively or when they do they operate
as more of an abuser than as an ally so
I suggest that we do two things number
one I think we need to redefine what we
include an interpersonal violence to
include platonic relationships that
occur across racial differences and to
white people I think you need to be a
little bit more thoughtful and how you
engage with black people and really
people of color in general when we’re
having conversations about race and
oppression
[Applause]
because let’s take a look the power and
control wheel uses these specific things
to define using intimidation tactics and
intimate romantic partnerships but
aren’t these things that white people do
everyday things like following black
people in a store or crossing the street
when you see black people up ahead or
the violence that is police brutality or
even using blatant racial slurs saying
things like freedom of speech and I wave
the Confederate flag because heritage
not hate or even this for minimizing
denying and blaming saying things like I
don’t think that’s actually what
happened or are you playing the race
card again if they would have just
cooperated with the police they wouldn’t
be dead or even no all lives matter or
what about this for using isolation
whitewashing American and global history
so that black people are not even a part
of the picture mandating requirements
for Social Security and welfare
assistance controlling the images that
we see of black people in our media
which are typically pretty negative and
gentrification pushing black people out
of their own communities and then
deeming these smaller less wealthy
communities as unfit or unsafe white
people I’m going to make a demand of you
right now stop hurting me because I want
us to work together but I can’t when you
are acting as an abuser when you dictate
and control our conversation and
relationship dynamics when you tone
police me and say I don’t like the way
that you said this or I don’t like the
way you talked about this privilege or
[Applause]
when you minimize my experiences saying
okay well not all white people or my
favorite when you tell me how I’m
allowed to respond to the oppression
that I’m feeling asking me that infamous
question well what would Martin Luther
King jr. do when you do all of these
things white people you are using your
power to control me I believe that as
human beings we need to engage in
relationship especially when it comes to
combating racial oppression relationship
is fine and well and we need to think
about the way that we collaborate and be
intentional news relationships so that
we can combat racism but here’s the
thing white people black people are done
with your oppression and we are not your
victims again relationship sounds great
but hear me when I say we will continue
on with or without you
and when you dictate and control our
relationship dynamics and overpowered
people and say that the feelings that
I’m having are illegitimate or not real
or assert your story over mine white
people you’re not listening
when you say things you say these things
to me when you assert that all lies
matter over black lives matter white
people you are potentially being the
abuser in this relationship I’d like now
to tell you a story about what could
have been a few years ago I met a guy
named Michael and he and I instantly hit
it off we bonded over our favorite TV
shows and movies we had some friendly
sports banter and really had the same
sense of humor it was great
following the incessant murder of
unarmed black people by white police
officers in their communities in their
homes near their schools in their cars
in front of their families black lives
matter protests began to break out
across the country I remember feeling a
lot of pain and confusion not really
understanding what was going on
I love hearing a lot of her about what I
was seeing I wanted to talk to Michael
about this because we’d formed a
friendship and Michael listened he never
invalidated the things that I was saying
or my experiences never told me my
feelings weren’t real he even did his
own work to figure out what had happened
historically and how was this affecting
what was happening today so that he
could be a part of a solution Michael
and I were able to engage in healthy
race-based conversation which allowed us
to combat racial oppression together why
people one day I hope to have this
conversation with you thank you
[Applause] [Music]