whether you’re an introvert or an
extrovert raise your hands
quite a few of you yeah that’s good
that means you might be a flexed revert
today I want to talk about what it means
to be a flexed revert how is it that
flexed averts gets so much more from
life and what do you have to do to
become one but first of all I’d like to
share with you a story something that
happened to me back in June of this year
I had a big birthday and organized a
house party for 30 and family and
friends renting a lovely big house on
the south coast in a village in Oh
Dorset so we all rocked up there for a
few days eating drinking singing dancing
hanging out together it was amazing we
had a really good time but there was
just one thing that threatened to spoil
the occasion and it happened on Saturday
morning I had organized a get-together
other drumming workshop but I called
Ralph brought along a load of African
drums and he set them up in the garden
so we could all do some drumming I’m not
very musical but I thought well banging
a drum
I mean how difficult can that be and
actually when you’re banging a drum with
30 other people you can actually kid
yourself that you sound quite good so
there we are on Saturday morning or
banging our bongos and I noticed across
the garden this elderly gentleman
walking towards us oh no here we go
complaining neighbor so immediately my
brain goes into sort of defensive mode I
started thinking I right what can I say
okay well it’s not the middle of the
night is that we can’t be disturbing
that many people we’re not near many
houses we’re not going to be here for
long etc etc my brain just started
working overtime and as he came towards
us and he started saying you know you’re
making rather a lot of noise isn’t such
in his cloth cap in his country tweeds
and a scowl on his face before I could
go up with my case for the defense
somebody else stood up and it was
ray-ray is my business partner it do
something different
an all-round good guy and this is right
here and Ray stood up and he said to
this gentleman oi he said
have you ever played one of these and I
said oh no and very certain well what do
you have it go anyway mmm okay then I
will
so you see really sitting there next to
his lovely wife Jane a little while
later if you see the guy sitting there
next to Ray’s wife Jane and Ray’s moved
out of the way okay and it all ended
really well later on he started telling
us stories about his life in the house
and we had all got on really really well
it ended beautifully and I thought to
myself thank goodness that I hadn’t been
able to just do what I would normally do
and tend to do and meet confrontation
with confrontation I was a bit ashamed
of myself I was even going to do this
with a 90 year old man I mean what was I
gonna do flaw him or something oh it’s
ridiculous thank goodness
ray managed to show the first
characteristic of a flex divert flex
device are able to act in a way that’s
best for each situation okay not
according to their default strategy we
all have defaults we have personality
habits we have experiences that just
kind of pre-program us to respond to
every situation in the same way but it’s
not always the best way because we
always have choices but we don’t always
realize we have choices we tend to just
to go along with a social norm cueing in
Britain it said that we spent three
years of our lives queuing and some of
these people look as if they’ve been
there longer than three years don’t they
know we just kind of fall into line
pretty mindless list we’re a bit like
sheep aren’t we
but recently my son sent me this picture
this is how they cute
he lives in Thailand this is how they
queue in Thailand even when you think
there isn’t another way there’s always
another way okay and I realize that
there are so many aspects of our lives
where we just go down one room whereas
in fact there are multiple dimensions of
events of people of situations where we
have choices the news is a great example
isn’t it we’ve fed one type of news
negativity
the media feeds us a diet of disaster
tragedy human failing ah is really
depressing and I suddenly realized a few
months ago this isn’t representative of
everything that’s going on in the world
there’s some really really positive
stuff happening in out in the world so I
started tuning into positive news
networks they do exist and I found this
story on the Good News Network and it
was a story of a group of people six
friends in the US who were having a
dinner party and that you know usual
thing getting together having starters
main course
just getting onto the cheese and
cracking open another bottle of Merlot
and armed intruder burst through the
door held a gun to their heads and
demanded that they hand over all of
their cash apart from being terrified
they realized their embarrassment that
nobody had any cash on them it’s a first
world problem isn’t it with cheese rich
cash poor so they decided they would try
and talk the guy down trying reason with
him it’s what you do right but actually
it just made him madder and more
aggressive until one of the guests
Christina decided that she would just
offer him a glass of wine this is we’re
just open this bottle of wine why didn’t
he have a glass he accepted the glass of
wine he drank it he has some cheese he
touch his gun under his arm and he left
it all ended perfectly I mean it could
so easily have gone the other way and
I’m not saying that whenever your
personal safety is threatened or in
danger that you reach for a bottle of
Beaujolais two glasses okay but on this
occasion she was a flexed revert flexed
reverts are able to flip the script in
order to get the best possible outcome
there are scripts for everything that we
do the brain stores information and
particularly sequences of events in the
form of scripts it’s a mental shortcut
it saves the brain having to do much
work so flipping the script can be
really good for us if we can remember to
do it because we remember that every
event every situation
we have choices we don’t have to follow
the script this happened to me when I
first met my husband Ben and we went out
for dinner together
it wasn’t my husband when I first met
him but we we first went for a meal
together and you know we have a
restaurant script in our brain instantly
said that we know what to do we we turn
up we get a menu we order a drink we sit
at the table order our food eat it pay
and leave okay so we sat down we had a
drink we looked at the menu and he said
okay I’ll order for you and you order
for me I know that’s a bit different
especially because I was quite a fussy
eater in those days and I was had the
fish cakes so we ordered for each other
and he got my fish cakes and I ended up
with pork belly not literally I did he
quite a lot um and it started me on a
journey of being more adventurous with
food and of doing things differently and
we went on to found do something
different together so that’s flipping
the script that’s doing things
differently to get a better outcome in a
relationship or a situation and I’m
reminded of this lovely film Dead Poets
Society I don’t know if any of you have
seen it where the late lovely Robin
Williams played John Keating he was a
poetry teacher he was trying to
emphasize to his boys that they could be
individuals they could make their lives
extraordinary they didn’t have to do
what their brothers and fathers had done
before them they could carve ìtell out
of life for themselves he’s and he
jumped up on his desk on one occasion
and he said to them I stand upon my desk
to remind myself that we must constantly
look at things in a different way
when we look at things in a different
way when we’d get a new view we see new
opportunities we need see new possible
outcome so we see all the potential in a
situation he wanted them to make their
lives extraordinary he also told them to
rip the introduction out of their poetry
books so they weren’t influenced by what
others have said before them he told
them to walk differently in the chord
not to just fall in step with everybody
else
he’s helped them to turn the ordinary
into the extraordinary but he had to do
something different he had to in the end
stand up on my desk and get them to
stand on the desk to emphasize that you
don’t have to go with the flow and
follow the script and so flex traverse
are willing to take risks he took a risk
with his job in the film he took a risk
with his teaching career I don’t teach
you to do that and teach the train in
college and Ben took a risk with my pork
belly I put up in a vegetarian do
anything but flex of us are willing to
go the extra mile and take the risk to
make meaningful connections with other
people and that’s the flex traverse
advantage those are the characteristics
of flex traverse so how does it pan out
for them when I said they get more from
life what does it actually mean well
we’ve been working at do something
different to help people become more
flex traverse in their behaviors and
their personalities for years
and we’ve been looking at data that show
that flexor votes are healthier they’re
physically healthier the higher person
is in flexed aversion the lower their
BMI that’s from data from thousands of
people they’re also mentally healthier
flex devotes are less stressed the more
flex divert if somebody can be the more
coping strategies they will have at
their disposal therefore the more
situations they can manage and cope with
so obviously they’re going to be less
stressed this is some data of based on
data from Bonanno in Columbia University
they looked at people after 9/11 in the
u.s. it was naturally to be stressed to
be fearful to be angry and to be sad
even a year later they looked at the
people who were doing well who were the
best adjusted a year after 9/11 and they
found the flexed reverse were the ones
who were had adjusted the best and we’re
getting on and coping well with life in
the world of business Adam grant looked
at the characteristics of salespeople
think that extroverts would make the
best salespeople right they don’t
nor do introverts interestingly but the
people who were the most effective sales
people and who perform the best were
those who could be both extroverted and
introverted they knew when to talk but
they also knew when it was a list the
right to listen so they were flexed
averts flexor votes also show up frank
bond from City University conducted a
study in which he showed that the people
who were flexed reverted the most
psychologically flexible behaviorally
flexible people were less likely to
figure in the absenteeism figures and
this is some data from do something
different where we looked at people’s
ability to be tolerant of difference in
others and I think it’s really
fascinating that flex traverse are more
tolerant this graph the green bars are
the most important because as they grow
go up we’re looking at people’s ability
to be inclusive of others and tolerant
of difference and the ones on the left
are people who are low in Flex diversion
and the ones on the right are the real
high flex reverse they’re more capable
of seeing the multiple dimensions not
just in events but in other people as
well they’re more tolerant of difference
and when we live in a world in which we
seem to be getting less tolerance of
difference there seems to be more and
more hatred in the world I think this is
an incredibly important asset in making
sure that we can all live harmoniously
together so the good news is we can all
become flexed reverse restate three
things you need to do if you want to be
more flexed averted first of all you
have to stop you have to inhibit your
default response you have to stop
yourself going with a script then you
have to flip it
that means flipping the script
considering the alternative knowing that
you have choices and thirdly you must
use it you’ve got to do it put it into
action because after all we are defined
by our actions not our words so I
contend that the flexor
advantage is good for us all it’s great
for you for your relationships for your
physical and mental health and it’s a
tool that we all need going forward if
we’re to live harmoniously together and
make the world a better place
thank you [Applause]