Istanbul Turkey and I was raised there I
was eight years old when one night my
parents and I visited a friend of my
mother’s
she lived in a large city flat in an old
part of Istanbul imagine a neighborhood
where apartments grew on top of one
another and they raced for the sunlight
she lived with her husband and two sons
one around my age and one quite a few
years older my parents and I spent the
long evening in their living room we ate
we talked I can’t remember any of the
conversations we had but there’s a
moment there’s an image I vividly
remember from that evening
I was sitting on the living room floor
and I was looking at these large windows
surrounding the living room each one of
them extended from floor to ceiling and
each one of them were tightly shut with
curtains thick curtains curtains that
were once white but now are stained
yellowed charred from cigarette smoke
they had smoked so much indoors that
even their walls were stained I remember
a heavy heaviness a sadness coming from
dripping from their curtains as i sat
there a few years later my mom’s friend
died of lung cancer at a very young age
at her funeral I learned that neither
her husband nor her sons knew that she
had cancer at her funeral I learned that
neither her husband nor her sons knew
that she had cancer she used to go to
chemotherapy and she would tell
everybody she was going on business
trips in
imagine this woman now imagine her
loneliness
she couldn’t even be alive with her
closest family so at a funeral I thought
back at that heaviness that sadness
dripping from the curtains as I wondered
how could it be how could it be that we
live in the same house with people we
share meals who even share the same bed
but we might not see them dying inside
my dad used to say that at our family
we’ll look into each other’s eyes if we
sees darkness we reach in we put light
in there if we see scars we make them
bleed so that they can heal at our
family we dig deep into our
relationships so that they mean
something so that we mean something how
can we get there we can get there by
simply changing our questions let’s
think about it there’s a question we
asked approximately hundred thousand
times in our lifetime that question is
how are you doing what happens when we
ask that question I actually went out on
the street right in Charlottesville
right in front of this camera and I
asked that question to passers-by and
here’s what they said I’m doing pretty
well I’m doing fine okay good are you
I’m doing great today I’m doing fine
doing fine yeah no nice very good I’m
very well
great hi how are you one-word answers to
a question that we asked hundred
thousand times and we hear these answers
hundred thousand times are you ok with
that
perhaps it’s not surprising because this
is just another way to say I see your
physical presence but I don’t have time
for you right now there’s a question I
like to ask instead and that question is
Calvin de Navarre that’s Turkish for
what is in your heart you actually went
on the street and I asked people the
much better
oh oh that’s a good question and these
are the very reactions that we miss when
we keep asking how are you doing
here’s what we catch when we ask what is
in your heart I just arrived back from
picking up spending time with my
daughter and she just had her second
baby and so I’m full of love and joy
kindness love was just thinking we were
just thinking about our grandchildren
and going to Tennessee to visit them for
Thanksgiving actually I’m thinking about
getting a job so I’ve been trying to
decide if that’s the right decision for
my family so I’ve been thinking about
that a lot
gratitude for my children and men
grunting missing my family my heart
knowing though they’re by to be truthful
and loved hello and had a good heart and
a good mind and being the good law the
joy is in my heart my husband just had a
good visit at the hospital god it’s
awesome and he is good and I just feel
with Thanksgiving anxiety supposedly
here to take a little bit of a break
from work and home and just having a
hard time separating out from the office
responsibilities
all that so I’m just struggling with it
so when we change our questions a few
things happen one people start talking
longer I actually run an experiment and
I took a group of participants and I
asked them either how are you doing or
what is in your heart and what I found
was that when I changed the question
people spoke five times longer
you might be thinking come on I don’t
want to spend five times longer every
time I want to ask somebody how are you
doing right but what if once in a while
you change your question and take a
moment and look into their eyes another
thing happens people open their hearts
more emotions become available to us
that lady whose husband had a good visit
to the hospital we see so much love
their years of love and relief and with
a college student who side first and
talked about missing his family we all
know what it means to long for home it
touched me differently having been away
from home for 14 years you might also be
thinking no this is all nice but I am
not the type of person to ask these
questions that’s not me
I would feel ridiculous asking these
actually it will put me in awkward
situations with people we might be
thinking well she asked and she got
these answers but what if I asked and
there is this awkward silence and it’s
just we look at in each other and we’ll
get alienated I want to tell you about a
man who is to work at a hospital and he
used to conduct these intake
questionnaires these are the questions
that you get asked when you are admitted
to a hospital they may they might ask
you things like do you smoke do you
drink and with what frequency if you do
what is your family medical history then
there are other questions that he asked
mental health rate with questions such
as do you hear voices coming from your
so he went to his supervisor and said
it’s all great but I cannot ask these
questions anymore I feel so
uncomfortable and then here’s what she
said she said keep on asking these
questions those who don’t hear voices
will say no and they will move on but
those who do might say something like
it’s not my TV but you should see my
toaster my toaster talks so loud at
night and I can’t sleep and they will
also be glad that you asks relieved
so perhaps changing our questions are
not only for us it’s for people around
us maybe perhaps by changing our
question it’s like we’re giving them a
hand and for people to hold on so we can
pull them out of those dark rooms open
those curtains there’s another question
we ask very often
perhaps as often and that is what do you
do here’s what happens when we ask that
question computer engineering unemployed
I teach yoga I said it UVA I’m an HR
consultant I cook and I been in the
restaurant industry for 40 years work at
Burger King for nine years clean up and
whatever washing dishes
I’m retired for about 20 years now den
mother at a creative agency a real
estate investment boom boom boom jobs
when people talk about their jobs we put
them in boxes here’s a box of a teacher
for you here’s one of a student here’s
one of my parents people start wearing
that persona not only with you but with
everybody else that they meet and they
also start talking about only things
that fit into that persona they stop
talking about anything else that doesn’t
fit think about it what box are you
being put into every day and when you
and I are in our individual boxes we
forget to talk about anything else that
doesn’t fit our curiosities about each
other’s lives slowly withers our
imaginations die our our conversations
find a box of their own and every time
we speak we pull out an easy comers
Familia went out of that box you know
what I think I know what you will say
there’s nothing new there there’s a
question I’d like to ask instead and
that is what gets you up in the morning
here’s what happens when we ask people
that when I wake up in the morning the
first thing I do is offer my attention
to the world and then from there I go
into getting ready for the day
and if that includes coming to this
store and doing the best job I can we
have a routine we get up we have coffee
together we have a little prayer we
exercise together and then we take walks
together there’s a part of it the will
to see my friends and hang out with them
at college the good log say you wake up
in the morning yeah night bus no no you
know you think people are equal I am
insane her mom so I volunteer a lot and
I just look forward to helping people
throughout the day and and making a
difference actually life to be alive
gets me up it’s a good thing it’s a good
thing to experience every day they are
given life things that make us feel
alive sometimes there are jobs and
sometimes there are different things but
when I was talking to people I felt that
when I changed a question there was an
energy that came out that propelled
people into the day and not only that
they stopped talking about themselves
it’s no longer about me me what can I do
for myself and people started talking
about others their sons and daughters
their grandsons their strange strangers
their partners it propelled them and
they looked away from their darkness
what they hid there these are the
questions that give us Liberty to be
ourselves that free us to contradict
ourselves to talk about things that
don’t make any sense together these are
the questions that tell us it’s okay to
be vulnerable it’s okay to reach the
peon into our darkness and bring it out
to a light these questions tell we can
we
through these questions we can tell each
other it’s okay bring your lonely and
tired soul here
I brought mine so you know in my heart
right now it’s both some darkness and
sadness something that I carried a bit
of anxiety coming here I was looking
forward to meeting you but I was also
very anxious how would it go having dark
days were hesitating but also now in my
heart there’s hope there is hope that we
can start changing our questions and we
can ask something new my eight-year-old
self didn’t know to ask another question
she might have asked you know what’s on
that curtain
how can you see each other in such
darkness but we can start today change
our questions so that we can save people
out of those dark rooms and I want to
leave you with two questions one what
gets you up in the morning ma’am what
gets you up in the morning sorry what
gets you up in the morning how about you
what gets you up in the morning my
thank you so I can’t let her go quite
yet I know we’re running late but I have
one more question
help us think about what we can do now
what kinds of questions can we ask each
other to help us make the connections
that we need to make to help understand
this crazy world we’re in right now I
think we can still ask what is in your
heart
that’s us that’s a both a risky and a
safe question we can ask it more
specifically what is in your heart about
your job mm-hmm what is in your heart
about this election what is in your
heart today another thing that I try to
do in my life is provide other
to people for example I might ask you
Lisa what color would represent how you
feel today so you don’t have to tell me
any emotions any adjectives you can tell
me let’s say you feel like green and
then your green is different from me so
I can ask you what this green means to
you and then the last thing is something
I didn’t say but as a tip is that
vulnerability in mighting that starts
with vulnerability so are you willing to
answer this question yourself and maybe
sometimes it might take you revealing
something about yourself first but I
assure you it’s worth taking that risk
thank you [Applause]