afternoon I’m also incredibly nervous
turns out public speaking is terrifying
which is why I feel like it’s only fair
to share with you guys that in my mind
each one of you is absolutely buck naked
yeah yeah I have friends in the front
row here they’re trying not to make eye
contact with me but now that we all feel
uncomfortable I’d like to share with you
a little something that’s helped me out
that I think could potentially help you
out it’s a little hashtag lifehack I
like to call unleashing your inner
burger pervert I’m just kidding I
actually I have no idea what that speech
would even entail I just thought it
might make for a pretty dope Facebook
profile picture
but seriously burgers there is no word
in the English language that holds more
power over me I like to say that a good
burger should leave you wanting a
cigarette in a confessional and I know
you know what I’m talking about because
there’s no way you’ve made it this far
in life without sinking your teeth into
a delicious burger right
it’s literally the most popular sandwich
in the world almost every culture has
made it their own and in fact since I’ve
been on the stage alone hundreds if not
thousands of burgers have been ordered
or consumed worldwide what a time to be
alive guys
but what is a burger right if I were to
ask you guys to close your eyes and
picture your perfect burger is it more
of a Big Mac or a White Castle slider
what is the patty construct is there
cheese a coochie mom maybe you’re
Australian and say hey I need a pickled
beet up in this mix what is it that
defines a burger what are the rules well
ask anybody and they’re gonna have their
own definition must have maybe an animal
protein like beef well I’m sure there
are a few of you in this audience today
that are vegetarian and say hell no or
let’s just say all of India right maybe
it’s a sesame seed bun well any Shake
Shack loyalist is going to know that
there’s nary a seed on any of their
burgers condiments maybe it’s condiments
historically speaking the very first
burger if the og burger had zero
condiments that’s not my burger that’s
not what I grew up with in fact what we
call a chicken sandwich in the US the UK
calls a chicken burger and so it goes
for whatever rule you want to slap on a
burger there’s always gonna be something
it’s like actually so when I started
porn burger kind of making and
photographing one ridiculous burger week
I was asking myself these very same
questions kind of playing a game of
Jenga if you will
what tiles can I move and still keep you
know the stack intact can I remove the
bun
this one has fried macaroni and cheese
and lobster as the protein right
this one is skewered on a single piece
of bread Pinchot style can’t does the
paddy have to be cooked can I eat it for
breakfast
we love Bill Murray ever want to hang
out with me if he sees the bill you
marry me Berger so if there’s no single
characteristic that makes a burger a
burger I’m just gonna throw this out
there see if it sticks
maybe there is no burger have you guys
ever seen the matrix if you haven’t get
stoned immediately and watch it it’s
great there’s this character we call neo
Keanu Reeves and he’s going to seed the
Oracle to see if he’s the one as the one
often does right and he gets there and
he meets this kid who is potentially
also the one and this kid is bending
spoons with his frickin mind man and he
Anna Reeves very naturally it’s like
whoa how did you and the kid says do not
try and bend the spoon that’s impossible
instead only try to realize the truth
what truth there is no spoon then you’ll
see that it’s not the spoon that bends
it’s only yourself it’s not the spoon
that bends it’s only yourself it’s not
the burger that bends it’s only yourself
that’s to say that who you are as a
person has essentially manifested this
burger you hold ideal into reality there
is no burger but your burger one could
also say that it’s the intention of
making a burger that makes a burger
right I’m making this therefore it is
well who cares why is this guy just up
here saying burger on repeat right well
I’ll leave you with this because if a
burger is simply a construct of our own
rules change the rules and you can
change the game change one game and
suddenly you’ll realize you can change
other games as well basically what I’m
really really trying to say here is
unleash your freakin inner burger
pervert thank you guys [Applause]