side of myself
am I an imposter – which lesser part of
me betrays the truer self or is there a
distantly operating separate projections
please pay no mind to the woman behind
the curtain I wonder how many body
shells of mine must walk around
unoccupied for the amount of times that
I have shed my skin how many of those
ghosts have approached a friend in a
haunting making them believe I’m who I
used to be when I stretch my neck
towards the heavens at night
I am marveled at stars seeming to touch
or connect to form Ellis trations of
deities only we are told each one of
these stars are millions of miles torn
from one another
unaware of aliens on earth creating
pictures with them how is it I feel
myself contained in one skeleton yet a
division leaves me at stars lengths away
what a display that must show for
everyone else just as long as you’re far
back enough to see and you’ll be sure
I’ll place you on earth and present
myself up in the stars but behind me is
still a black hole waiting to rip me
apart I have a capacity to conjure up
Canterbury Tales so aware of my
receiving end so I structure my jesters
never to be ridiculed because I
carefully color in while a hunger
Fester’s in my stomach climbs up to my
throat to skew and twist all words that
leave my mouth to sound appealing to
your ear leaving authenticity arbitrary
only artificial apparitions to please an
audience I wonder if you were to beat me
today and then meet me tomorrow would
your mind separate these events in its
memory leaving as much space in between
as stars that burn out and wear out and
die long before anyone on earth sees
because we still witness their glimmer
what if I told you that the woman behind
this
mask is already a corpse as I search for
heartbeats and future plans try to find
a pulse you know could be forgetting
here neglecting where I stand
has there been enough time between the
beginning of this poem and now to
reintroduce myself would you still think
that it’s me thank you
I was first admitted into the psych ward
when I was 16 years old for my
depression and during that visit I met
three different kinds of patients one
with those like myself they found
themselves in a crisis or emergency
situation and they needed the hospital
to keep them safe the second kind of
patient were those who had some sort of
disciplinary issue perhaps they acted
out gotten in fights and because there
was a history of mental illness trauma
anxiety their punishment was substituted
for treatment and so their mental
illness in their eyes was seen as
something wrong that they have done and
they rejected their treatment entirely
the Third Kind of patient is a little
bit harder to just sum up these are
those who perhaps their behavior becomes
frightening to those around them
remember one patient a few doors down
for me a young boy who for hours at
night would scream and scream before he
went to sleep begging voices to stop he
was diagnosed with schizophrenia and
because there was so much fear and lack
of education for what he was
experiencing society kind of casted him
out and he would come to the hospital he
sedated go back home to the hospital we
sedated it was an ongoing cycle and what
these three patients have in common is
they have to come home and they have to
ask themselves what on earth do I do now
where do I go from here maybe their
parents are asking for them because this
way
an adolescent program I have a hard time
answering that question in fact after I
was discharged a few weeks later I was
readmitted and then after that put into
an all-day outpatient program and then
after that was enrolled in a government
program which had someone in my house
nearly every day there was a respite
counselor a case manager a therapist and
a psychiatrist now granted this was a
time in my life I needed this kind of
supervision I needed to be heavily
watched and I know my family is
tremendously grateful for these
resources that were made available to
them and I don’t take that for granted
however there was a problem with my
treatment I was very aware with what the
world saw when they saw borderline
personality disorder
this was my diagnosis I was so aware of
how those people were treated how they
were portrayed in society that I
rejected my diagnosis completely I
didn’t talk about it I didn’t share it
with people
nor did I even try to embrace it for
myself I didn’t try to understand it
instead I was encouraged to kind of shut
it down stop showing it so much me and I
also knew that I could get away with
things I can get away with moving on in
my life if I just didn’t show the
symptoms if I didn’t act out I kind of
kept masks on and this continued so much
that when I was prescribed anti-anxiety
medication I was prescribed xanax I
formed a habit which turned into a
dangerous addiction and what this did
for me is it didn’t allow me to face my
diagnosis it didn’t challenge me to take
ownership of treatment I just shut down
I was in a sleep-like state I was a
zombie and I wasn’t feeling things at
all
forget about with my mental illness I
wasn’t feeling even the most normal of
feelings so how am I supposed to heal
from something if I’m too numb to feel
what I’m supposed to heal from and this
went on for years and progressively got
worse and
into college we’re on February 20th 2013
I attempted suicide and I was stopped by
a bystander I tried to throw myself in
front of a train and someone on the
platform stopped me and immediately I
was put back in the psych ward
this time adults and I saw the same
three patients just in adult faces there
were those trying to be safe like myself
those who are being punished because of
something they’ve done and those who
were totally ostracized from their
communities so what I did during this
time as I started to write and
eventually that gibberish turned into
poetry like the one that I just
performed for you but everything was
turning back on I was getting off the
drugs I wasn’t taking anything anymore
so everything that was shut off for so
long was going back and these wires that
the electricity was flowing through was
frayed and static was kind of flying
everywhere the only way I knew how to
ground that static that those jolts and
shocks that I felt so severely at this
time was putting everything on paper I
wrote down everything I felt everything
I saw and this was my way to begin
dealing with my diagnosis to begin
so what I realized since that time is
that all my efforts to be filtered to be
contained to be held back to keep suit
and pull it off has been keeping me from
healing mental illness whether it be
borderline personality disorder
depression anxiety they’re not talked
about they’re not invited into our
conversations instead we often make the
mistake sometimes out of fear of
encouraging
young people who begin showing signs of
mental illness to hold back to stop
acting that way
pipe down calm down let me just say
being told to calm down when you’re
anxious is probably the least calming
thing in the world but it comes out of
fear it’s something different so we want
to just stop it that urgency is there
and it’s become so hurtful to those who
deal with it rather than silencing those
who deal with it kind of putting them
back in the margin of what is normal
what if we gave these people a
microphone share their stories what if
instead of telling them to be quiet and
turning off the voltage completely what
if we redirect that to power something
new and power something innovative and
great what if instead of stigma and
shame that we attach to mental illness
mental illness is complex there’s not a
simple answer there’s not this or the
other but when we’re looking at
treatment it involves so many things
vaults community it involves a creative
aspect the way I have found it involves
being held accountable folks so many
facets and when we shine a light into
those darkest places within these facets
we have a true honest chance at
achieving mental health but there’s some
things that must stop in order for that
to happen we must stop as a society as a
whole those with mental illness and
those without to think that it is as
simple as taking a pill like you would
an antibiotic and getting the virus out
and then you’re done a lot of times when
I share an anxious thought or something
that’s inside me with a friend I’ve
heard a lot of time
it’s all in your head why yes it is all
in my head it’s in my brain it’s in the
way I receive information the way I make
connections in the world the way I
comprehend life that is my brain and
science has come a long way we’re not
doing lobotomies anymore but we have a
long way to go
well there are MRI scans that can map
out brain activity and we can capture
wavelengths we haven’t really scratched
the surface on the anatomy and the
neurology of mental illness and while
yes serotonin plays a role in something
like depression so a lot of the
antidepressants that are prescribed have
serotonin that’s one part of my brain
that needs that chemical and now my
entire brain is saturated with that
brain what are the lifelong implications
of that I take a pill every morning that
I know helps me get to school and get to
work and keeps me going but what is that
do 30 years from now how does that help
me own what I experience and how do I
get past that to really achieve health
now I’m not suggesting at all that these
pills are bad and that we should just
throw them out and say to do with it no
because I know how helpful and
life-saving they have become for me and
other friends but it’s not enough it’s
not enough to just say it’s a pill quick
fix your symptoms are gone because
you’re muted you’re better because
that’s not the case and it concerns me
that the imbalance that my brain is
experiencing is not tested there’s no
way to pull out fluids in my brain and
test your imbalance and say okay this is
how much you need this is there’s no way
to do that and it concerns me that when
I go to the doctor for a sore throat and
they see these medications on my chart a
stigma tells them to immediately take me
less seriously and it concerns me
that if I go to a friend with an anxious
thought with my depression I oftentimes
get the response before even a word has
spoken have been taking your pills
instead of having a conversation with me
and allowing those emotions to be valid
it is unhelpful even dangerous to view
mental illness as something that is just
curable and something that you can treat
symptoms that will just go away this is
really detrimental to not only those who
experience mental illness but to those
trying to help it leads us to a place
where we want to shut things off instead
of really moving and through
understanding what it is that my mind is
going through the way my mind works yes
it’s different from you but that does
not make it invalid that does not make
it unworthy I don’t take xanax anymore I
do not take the drugs I use to kind of
numb me out and get through things but
the emotions the thoughts that led me to
that place
they still come I still have to deal
with those so even though I’m not acting
in a certain way right the symptoms
don’t show I’m still dealing with my
mental illness because my brain is wired
that way
and not perceiving the world in a
certain way that’s causing me to feel
and think this way and you know what
there’s power and feeling too much
there’s power in seeing the world
aligned with patterns and there’s power
with wanting to maintain those patterns
sometimes and yes sometimes it is so
much and it is so big and it overwhelms
me in it I feel like a threat to myself
I feel I might hurt myself because of
all this but maybe it would be less
hurtful if when I went to a friend when
I tried to work out what I was feeling I
wasn’t hit with stigma
hit with the impulse to just stop just
stop thinking like that I think it’s
time
those with borderline personality
disorder OCD anxiety depression bipolar
whatever it may be that we share our
stories that were given a platform to
share you know I have been given a
platform and I have been able to work
through the way I think the way I feel
because of a university that embraced me
and I was able to finish my degree and
now I’m able to move on and get a second
degree I’m being embraced I’m getting a
platform to that I can use the way I
think I can work for organizations that
want to see the same change in the world
and want to use my skills and talents to
bring that change about but if we don’t
give people a platform if we don’t allow
them to think the way that they do and
we just mute them shut them down how is
that change ever going to happen how is
that healing ever going to happen some
of you are gonna go home and you know
someone maybe close to you who has
mental illness of some sort or maybe
you’ll meet someone a year a few months
some weeks from now maybe you are that
someone if you are that someone your
thoughts are worthy and you are worthy
if you have that someone in your life I
urge you listen don’t try to shut it off
because it is not like you don’t try to
push it away because it’s so different
encourage them give them that safe space
to move through this and let’s make
those places in our society let’s make
those spaces in our communities where
that source of power is needed that way
of thinking is needed to build something
new and give those people a platform
give them a microphone just like I have
been given today thank you [Applause]