[Music]
can I trust you
this question has the potential to
impact every part of our lives from who
we love to how we learn how we take care
of our health and invest our money and
if mastered building trust strengthens
relationships and can improve our health
and lead to more financial success now
it may seem strange to learn about trust
from someone who spent an entire career
pretending to be someone she wasn’t for
years I woke up and stepped into an
underworld and sometimes in leather
pants that could not know who I was
being beaten raped or even killed were
possibilities if that was the day a drug
dealer found out that I was an
undercover police officer and what’s
even stranger is that unlike the movies
I rarely carried a gun and I never wore
a wire for my protection trust and the
ability to build and maintain trust was
the only weapon I used my goal is to
present a learner both skill to you that
you can then build the foundation of
trust around everything you do because
when you leverage trust tax it makes
risky stressful relationships easier
even the ones with your in-laws and
before I became an undercover officer I
had to attend this intense training
course and you’re taken you learn about
techniques on how to use drugs and what
the pricing is and the terminology and
you learn about building trust although
they don’t call it trust building that’s
essentially what you learn and you have
to learn it and really uncomfortable and
off
an unpredictable situation so for
example tough biker-looking officers are
taken to gay bars and young female
rookie officers are taken to busy strip
clubs now it’s been quite a few years if
you’re having trouble connecting the
dots I was the one who went to the busy
strip clubs about 48 hours remained in a
long term but a 10 month long undercover
project and we were getting ready for
all of our rips and rips are essentially
what they sound like you order up a
large quantity of drugs and then you go
to meet the dealer and you rip them off
sounds fun right it usually is unless it
means you have to jump out of a moving
car being driven by a really angry drug
dealer when that happens it’s nothing
like on TV I didn’t roll and tuck and
gracefully spring into action I just
fell out like a bag of cement later on a
drug dealer was calling and threatening
to kill my partner my partner was
actually an undercover officer that I
met for the very first time when we were
assigned to live together as husband and
wife
now undercover eventually went under the
covers and we got married for real at
the end of the project we call it our
government pre arranged marriage and I’m
happy to report that almost two decades
later we are still in a happy and very
trusting relationship and no one has
called and threatened to kill him at
least recently so life has progressed
quite happily now when you’re thinking
about these trust acts you’re wondering
do I have to put myself in danger to
learn this absolutely not just think of
me as your stunt double as we journey
through some examples of trust hacks now
keep in mind that I’ve changed the names
to protect the not so innocent Julie not
her real name
was a full-time bartender and a
part-time drug dealer who had
connections to the Hells Angels but
that’s not what made her so interesting
every night I go to the bar and I’d sit
and listen trying to overhear
conversations that would provide some
perspective and information about the
local drug scene I learned a lot about
that but what I learned even more was
how to become an effective active
listener julie was incredible at this
she would lean in and ask questions for
clarification
she’d nod and utter affirmations mirror
their body language and as a result she
built some really great relationships
and got a lot of information but the
piece that really stood out for me
because all of those are great
ingredients for a wonderful listener but
the piece that really stood out was that
Julie let go of all prejudgment she
didn’t prejudge anyone when she was
speaking with them and when we let go of
preconceived ideas about what a drug
dealer should be like or what our spouse
or kids or partner’s co-workers should
be like we make room for new ideas and
even more importantly we built a bridge
of trust that enables the other person
to feel heard and valued although active
listening is an important trust tak it’s
also one of the easiest yet least
frequently used hacks I used all of the
techniques that I learned from Julie
when I started to connect with her and
as a result I became Julie’s trusted
confidant and she introduced me to Frank
the dealer with the biker connections
and after being introduced on the phone
we decided to set up a meeting so I go
to Frank’s place of business which
is this huge Victorian home that now was
a flophouse if you’ve ever seen a horror
flick or been to a haunted house maybe
you’re able to visualize this once grand
old mansion that had become a flophouse
but what you’re not able to appreciate
is the smell think Oda cat urine bacon
grease
stale beer and human waste all blended
into this over whelming stench that
greets you at the front door so as I’m
climbing three flights of very dimly lit
stairs every step I take creaks
announcing to anyone listening and they
didn’t even have to be actively
listening that I was approaching drug
dealers are a funny group of business
people they don’t like unannounced
visitors at their place of business so I
thought it best that I let them know
that I was coming hi I called up the
stairs and my best I’m a badass drug
dealer voice although I sounded more
like the hotel chambermaid calling
housekeeping but I continued moving
forward and with every step I took I
reminded myself I’ve got this and when I
finally reached the door I was about to
knock it opens so I take a step in then
it quickly closes behind me I can hear
the deadbolt turn and a chain slide
across locking me in when my eyes
finally adjust I see the guy who had
locked me in he was at least 6 inches
taller 150 pounds heavier wore a bandana
a black leather biker vest and jeans
that even a plumber would know needed to
be pulled back up then all of a sudden
they feel pressure up against me I
looked down and see this huge dog with
his snout and his drool everywhere
there’s two other
guys look remarkably similar to thing 1
and thing 2 at a table packaging cocaine
with another of Satan’s hounds at their
feets there’s three dogs well 3 drug
dealers two dogs guns drugs and me so I
pull out the only weapon I have the
trust hack of confidence I get into the
zone I stood tall hands on my hips feet
shoulder-width apart
think wonder woman without the
impractical body suit or crown although
the truth lasso would have been a really
nice touch
I look over Frank
thing 1 yeah you Pam yes do you have my
package within moments he’s handing me
an ounce of cocaine I give him $1600 and
almost simultaneously
I hear the chain come off the slide the
deadbolt turn and the door opens
sounding nothing like Arnold
Schwarzenegger I said I’ll be back for
more I took the time coming up the
stairs to build my confidence by
repeating positive affirmations like
I’ve got this I slowed my breathing and
not just because of the stench once
inside I realized that I was outnumbered
and unarmed but I didn’t focus on
negative what-ifs instead I chose to
remind myself about all of the
successful and safe drug deals I’d
already made now most of you will never
be locked in a drug house with armed
drug dealers but many of you will face
risks and challenges every day that
requires confidence to build trusting
relationships and I would encourage you
to think about a time where you had to
act in the face of uncertainty or fear
or even danger and you did it anyway
you all have examples of that so the
next time you’re facing a challenge and
you need to move forward use those past
accomplishments as a reminder of what
you’re capable of and allow that to push
you toward the unknown now
confidence is a very powerful trust hack
but you take trust-building to the next
level when you pair it with empathy
sherry was at the beginning of her
drug-dealing career when I met her and
she shared with me during one evening of
packaging cocaine at her place that she
came from a history of abuse which is
this a very similar story for a lot of
women who become involved in the drug
industry and as we’re packaging this
cocaine if you can visualize this coffee
table with little piles of cocaine and
we have the pedal mortar or mortar and
we’re crushing everything and we’re
measuring out the baggies Sherry’s cat
comes walking toward us sherry looks
over don’t let my cat near the coke last
time he ate somebody was whacked for
however the months go by and it’s
actually sherry who’s using a lot of
cocaine because she’s whacked for months
and she accumulates a debt that she
cannot pay she ends up getting kicked
out of her apartment and calls me in a
panic Pam you’ve got to come and take
Kitty I’ve got a place to couch-surf but
they won’t let me bring kitty you’re the
only person I trust to watch him I took
the cat but it complicated a lot of
things first of all I was an undercover
police officer who had gathered enough
evidence that sherry was likely facing a
very lengthy prison sentence she
wouldn’t be needing an apartment anytime
soon and she certainly wouldn’t be
bringing her cat secondly we were just
days away not weeks but days from
arresting her and dozens of other drug
dealers who had sold to my partner and I
what was I gonna do with this cat
cocaine kitty was not a part of my plan
but I recognized how important Kitty was
to Sherry so I worked hard to make
arrangements for Kitty to be taken care
of at the end of the project now on
takedown day all of the accused are
arrested simultaneously in a series of
pre-dawn raids and then they’re brought
to the police station where they come
into an interview room one by one and
meet with the undercover officer who
they thought was a fellow drug dealer
you can imagine what that’s like from
both perspectives some people come into
the room see you are so shocked they’re
speechless others start crying and
sobbing because they know what’s ahead
and most start yelling and swearing and
cursing and you’re so grateful they’re
handcuffed sherry
just sat in her chair looked up at me
and said thanks for looking after kitty
I learned about trust tax working
one-on-one or in groups of people but
everything happened in person and our
world has changed considerably with the
onset of everything happening online
including the majority of our
communications and when people can hide
behind a screen they’re not as
accountable as they are in person in a
very noisy space filled with countless
tweets blogs emails shares and likes
it’s easy to stop listening but the
trust hack of active listening is even
more important online and you can
demonstrate it when you respond to
someone in a timely fashion it shows
that you’re interested and engaged and
when you respond with a conversational
tone it provides context and clarity and
that goes even further toward building
trust we can demonstrate confidence
online when we refuse to participate in
the comparison game that so many people
fall prey to on social media confident
people know their worth they don’t need
to compare themselves with others
with a virtual world filled with cyber
bullies trolls and detached voyeurs
building trust is even more critical we
have the opportunity with our limitless
access to friends and even strangers
around the world to mirror the
compassionate environment that we all
deserve to live in my hope is that you
choose to ignore the doomsday headlines
about a post trust era and instead start
looking for ways to experiment with
trust hacks and work toward building
trust
imagine the ripple effect if each of us
worked more toward building trust
instead of shouting that it no longer
because we need to make a purposeful and
concerted effort to build trust along
every step of our journey to think
we have it within our power today to
begin a revolution of trust
it begins with trust tax and it begins with me and you thank you
can I trust you
this question has the potential to
impact every part of our lives from who
we love to how we learn how we take care
of our health and invest our money and
if mastered building trust strengthens
relationships and can improve our health
and lead to more financial success now
it may seem strange to learn about trust
from someone who spent an entire career
pretending to be someone she wasn’t for
years I woke up and stepped into an
underworld and sometimes in leather
pants that could not know who I was
being beaten raped or even killed were
possibilities if that was the day a drug
dealer found out that I was an
undercover police officer and what’s
even stranger is that unlike the movies
I rarely carried a gun and I never wore
a wire for my protection trust and the
ability to build and maintain trust was
the only weapon I used my goal is to
present a learner both skill to you that
you can then build the foundation of
trust around everything you do because
when you leverage trust tax it makes
risky stressful relationships easier
even the ones with your in-laws and
before I became an undercover officer I
had to attend this intense training
course and you’re taken you learn about
techniques on how to use drugs and what
the pricing is and the terminology and
you learn about building trust although
they don’t call it trust building that’s
essentially what you learn and you have
to learn it and really uncomfortable and
off
an unpredictable situation so for
example tough biker-looking officers are
taken to gay bars and young female
rookie officers are taken to busy strip
clubs now it’s been quite a few years if
you’re having trouble connecting the
dots I was the one who went to the busy
strip clubs about 48 hours remained in a
long term but a 10 month long undercover
project and we were getting ready for
all of our rips and rips are essentially
what they sound like you order up a
large quantity of drugs and then you go
to meet the dealer and you rip them off
sounds fun right it usually is unless it
means you have to jump out of a moving
car being driven by a really angry drug
dealer when that happens it’s nothing
like on TV I didn’t roll and tuck and
gracefully spring into action I just
fell out like a bag of cement later on a
drug dealer was calling and threatening
to kill my partner my partner was
actually an undercover officer that I
met for the very first time when we were
assigned to live together as husband and
wife
now undercover eventually went under the
covers and we got married for real at
the end of the project we call it our
government pre arranged marriage and I’m
happy to report that almost two decades
later we are still in a happy and very
trusting relationship and no one has
called and threatened to kill him at
least recently so life has progressed
quite happily now when you’re thinking
about these trust acts you’re wondering
do I have to put myself in danger to
learn this absolutely not just think of
me as your stunt double as we journey
through some examples of trust hacks now
keep in mind that I’ve changed the names
to protect the not so innocent Julie not
her real name
was a full-time bartender and a
part-time drug dealer who had
connections to the Hells Angels but
that’s not what made her so interesting
every night I go to the bar and I’d sit
and listen trying to overhear
conversations that would provide some
perspective and information about the
local drug scene I learned a lot about
that but what I learned even more was
how to become an effective active
listener julie was incredible at this
she would lean in and ask questions for
clarification
she’d nod and utter affirmations mirror
their body language and as a result she
built some really great relationships
and got a lot of information but the
piece that really stood out for me
because all of those are great
ingredients for a wonderful listener but
the piece that really stood out was that
Julie let go of all prejudgment she
didn’t prejudge anyone when she was
speaking with them and when we let go of
preconceived ideas about what a drug
dealer should be like or what our spouse
or kids or partner’s co-workers should
be like we make room for new ideas and
even more importantly we built a bridge
of trust that enables the other person
to feel heard and valued although active
listening is an important trust tak it’s
also one of the easiest yet least
frequently used hacks I used all of the
techniques that I learned from Julie
when I started to connect with her and
as a result I became Julie’s trusted
confidant and she introduced me to Frank
the dealer with the biker connections
and after being introduced on the phone
we decided to set up a meeting so I go
to Frank’s place of business which
is this huge Victorian home that now was
a flophouse if you’ve ever seen a horror
flick or been to a haunted house maybe
you’re able to visualize this once grand
old mansion that had become a flophouse
but what you’re not able to appreciate
is the smell think Oda cat urine bacon
grease
stale beer and human waste all blended
into this over whelming stench that
greets you at the front door so as I’m
climbing three flights of very dimly lit
stairs every step I take creaks
announcing to anyone listening and they
didn’t even have to be actively
listening that I was approaching drug
dealers are a funny group of business
people they don’t like unannounced
visitors at their place of business so I
thought it best that I let them know
that I was coming hi I called up the
stairs and my best I’m a badass drug
dealer voice although I sounded more
like the hotel chambermaid calling
housekeeping but I continued moving
forward and with every step I took I
reminded myself I’ve got this and when I
finally reached the door I was about to
knock it opens so I take a step in then
it quickly closes behind me I can hear
the deadbolt turn and a chain slide
across locking me in when my eyes
finally adjust I see the guy who had
locked me in he was at least 6 inches
taller 150 pounds heavier wore a bandana
a black leather biker vest and jeans
that even a plumber would know needed to
be pulled back up then all of a sudden
they feel pressure up against me I
looked down and see this huge dog with
his snout and his drool everywhere
there’s two other
guys look remarkably similar to thing 1
and thing 2 at a table packaging cocaine
with another of Satan’s hounds at their
feets there’s three dogs well 3 drug
dealers two dogs guns drugs and me so I
pull out the only weapon I have the
trust hack of confidence I get into the
zone I stood tall hands on my hips feet
shoulder-width apart
think wonder woman without the
impractical body suit or crown although
the truth lasso would have been a really
nice touch
I look over Frank
thing 1 yeah you Pam yes do you have my
package within moments he’s handing me
an ounce of cocaine I give him $1600 and
almost simultaneously
I hear the chain come off the slide the
deadbolt turn and the door opens
sounding nothing like Arnold
Schwarzenegger I said I’ll be back for
more I took the time coming up the
stairs to build my confidence by
repeating positive affirmations like
I’ve got this I slowed my breathing and
not just because of the stench once
inside I realized that I was outnumbered
and unarmed but I didn’t focus on
negative what-ifs instead I chose to
remind myself about all of the
successful and safe drug deals I’d
already made now most of you will never
be locked in a drug house with armed
drug dealers but many of you will face
risks and challenges every day that
requires confidence to build trusting
relationships and I would encourage you
to think about a time where you had to
act in the face of uncertainty or fear
or even danger and you did it anyway
you all have examples of that so the
next time you’re facing a challenge and
you need to move forward use those past
accomplishments as a reminder of what
you’re capable of and allow that to push
you toward the unknown now
confidence is a very powerful trust hack
but you take trust-building to the next
level when you pair it with empathy
sherry was at the beginning of her
drug-dealing career when I met her and
she shared with me during one evening of
packaging cocaine at her place that she
came from a history of abuse which is
this a very similar story for a lot of
women who become involved in the drug
industry and as we’re packaging this
cocaine if you can visualize this coffee
table with little piles of cocaine and
we have the pedal mortar or mortar and
we’re crushing everything and we’re
measuring out the baggies Sherry’s cat
comes walking toward us sherry looks
over don’t let my cat near the coke last
time he ate somebody was whacked for
however the months go by and it’s
actually sherry who’s using a lot of
cocaine because she’s whacked for months
and she accumulates a debt that she
cannot pay she ends up getting kicked
out of her apartment and calls me in a
panic Pam you’ve got to come and take
Kitty I’ve got a place to couch-surf but
they won’t let me bring kitty you’re the
only person I trust to watch him I took
the cat but it complicated a lot of
things first of all I was an undercover
police officer who had gathered enough
evidence that sherry was likely facing a
very lengthy prison sentence she
wouldn’t be needing an apartment anytime
soon and she certainly wouldn’t be
bringing her cat secondly we were just
days away not weeks but days from
arresting her and dozens of other drug
dealers who had sold to my partner and I
what was I gonna do with this cat
cocaine kitty was not a part of my plan
but I recognized how important Kitty was
to Sherry so I worked hard to make
arrangements for Kitty to be taken care
of at the end of the project now on
takedown day all of the accused are
arrested simultaneously in a series of
pre-dawn raids and then they’re brought
to the police station where they come
into an interview room one by one and
meet with the undercover officer who
they thought was a fellow drug dealer
you can imagine what that’s like from
both perspectives some people come into
the room see you are so shocked they’re
speechless others start crying and
sobbing because they know what’s ahead
and most start yelling and swearing and
cursing and you’re so grateful they’re
handcuffed sherry
just sat in her chair looked up at me
and said thanks for looking after kitty
I learned about trust tax working
one-on-one or in groups of people but
everything happened in person and our
world has changed considerably with the
onset of everything happening online
including the majority of our
communications and when people can hide
behind a screen they’re not as
accountable as they are in person in a
very noisy space filled with countless
tweets blogs emails shares and likes
it’s easy to stop listening but the
trust hack of active listening is even
more important online and you can
demonstrate it when you respond to
someone in a timely fashion it shows
that you’re interested and engaged and
when you respond with a conversational
tone it provides context and clarity and
that goes even further toward building
trust we can demonstrate confidence
online when we refuse to participate in
the comparison game that so many people
fall prey to on social media confident
people know their worth they don’t need
to compare themselves with others
with a virtual world filled with cyber
bullies trolls and detached voyeurs
building trust is even more critical we
have the opportunity with our limitless
access to friends and even strangers
around the world to mirror the
compassionate environment that we all
deserve to live in my hope is that you
choose to ignore the doomsday headlines
about a post trust era and instead start
looking for ways to experiment with
trust hacks and work toward building
trust
imagine the ripple effect if each of us
worked more toward building trust
instead of shouting that it no longer
because we need to make a purposeful and
concerted effort to build trust along
every step of our journey to think
we have it within our power today to
begin a revolution of trust
it begins with trust tax and it begins with me and you thank you
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