hidden inside of storytelling are some
invisible ways to create connection how
did I first experienced that 1970
November a rainy Tuesday I was sitting
in my parked car trying to gather up
enough courage to go into my job yet
another day I was a first-year teacher
of young teens with behavior problems
and I had wanted to be the adult Ally
that they always never had but all I saw
from them was the crossed arms scowling
faces I tried everything I could think
of week after week by this day in
November I’d given up I have even
started coming in to work a little later
every day and this day I was so late the
teachers would already be in their
classrooms the other teachers they
wouldn’t even notice when I came in that
did it I got out of the car running
through the raindrops beating on my head
I opened the big wooden door to the
school and there were all five of the
other teachers so much for stealth entry
I said what Doug the assistant principal
is out sick no you see the assistant
principal was the one who on rainy days
would cram all seventy teens into one
room keep them busy until classes could
start by telling them stories are they
in there yes do something I I heard a
recording of a folktale the other day
maybe I could tell that yes they she
shoved me in the room close the door
behind me
and there I was
the only adult in a room was 70 angry
teams I said I’m gonna tell you a story
and they gave me a look like it better
be a good one like the assistant
principal tells could I even remember
this story okay there were there were
three basic episodes I could sort of
remember the beginning they’re looking
at me I’ve got to start Jack and his
mother we’re having a hard time and Jack
had to go out into the world alone to
find his own fortune when I get that far
I looked at them and they had shifted
from this to this their arms had
loosened just a little their eyes had
rolled up just a little it was a tiny
change but after two months of no change
it was like the angels were singing
Hallelujah I was encouraged so I kept
telling this story and as I told it I
realized in this story the teens were on
Jack’s side I was on Jack’s side in the
story we were on the same side when the
story was over they tightened up again
but it was too late
I’d already glimpsed what it could be
like to be connected to them so I went
back to trying to be on their side three
months later a day in February I looked
around my little classroom and there
they were working happily together in
teams of two and three and I thought
they did it and now all these decades
later I think back to that rainy Tuesday
in November
and I think the story did it it
certainly changed my life I mean it it
exposed me to this force that was so
compelled to master it to understand it
to teach it so what had I done on that
rainy Tuesday looking back I believe
that unknowingly I used three strategies
for creating connection that are built
into the very process of storytelling
and to explain the first strategy I need
to ask you a question you remember the
teens in the room well in your mind how
were they arranged raise your hand if in
your mind they were seated at desks
raise your hand if in your mind they
were sitting standing randomly around
the room raise your hand if you have any
image in your mind of how they were
arranged whether you raise your hand
before or not you might not have had
visual images you might have imagined
sounds auditory images or feelings in
your gut
kinesthetic images but the key thing to
notice is I didn’t say a word about how
they were arranged in the room I told
you that there were 70 of them and they
were crammed in and I showed you how
they looked but every single thing that
you and any one of you imagined in
addition to those things it’s something
that you created purely in your own mind
in other words each of you was a
co-creator of the story that you
imagined
well it turns out that people are more
likely to connect with you if you don’t
treat them as passive recipients but as
active participants as co-creators and
that’s the first strategy for creating
connection that’s built in to the very
process of storytelling how do you do
that how do you treat someone as a
co-creator well for starters you focus
less on saying the right thing and you
focus more on stimulating your listeners
to imagine what’s the second strategy
well we know from research that if you
engage people in what I call concept
mode or idea mode calculating evaluating
following logic then those people are
more likely to be focused but less
likely to be open or to be generous but
if you engage those same people in image
mode imagining associating they’re more
likely to be open to be generous and to
respond with empathy so when I told that
story to the teens it put them into
image mode and that made it easier for
them to care about Jack and to be open
enough to me to engage in my story so if
this second strategy is to engage people
on image mode how is that different from
the first strategy co-creation suppose I
asked you to solve a math problem well
you’ll be in concept mode and you won’t
be creating but if I help you create
your own math
problem you’ll still be in concept mode
but you will also be in co-creation mode
if I ask you to make an exact drawing
copying my drawing you’ll be in image
mode and you won’t be creating but
storytelling has the amazing ability to
combine the image mode strategy with the
co-creation strategy by helping your
listeners create their own images so how
do you do that how do you engage people
in image mode one important way is to be
an image mode yourself so that means
imagining experiencing every moment of
your story in your eyes or your ears or
your gut or your skin in your whole body
so for the third strategy I need to
bring you back to those teens remember I
started the story and they loosened up a
little bit let’s break that down I said
some words Jack and his mother and all
that and in response to that they
loosened up a little bit and then in
response to their loosening I got
encouraged and then in response to my
encouragement they got more engaged in
the story and so we had begun a cycle of
responding to each other’s responses and
every time that cycle went around it
knit us a little more tightly together
the best word I have to describe that
cycle is rapport I mean literally
rapport is a feeling of mutual
understanding that I believe can be
increased and even induced by this kind
of mutual responsiveness it’s worth
noticing
that you can practice imagining by
yourself but you can’t practice building
rapport by yourself so how do you
practice it suppose you’re at dinner
with a bunch of your friends and one of
them says to you hey how was that – a
vacation of yours here’s what you do not
say you don’t say oh excuse me only a
few minutes I have to write it all down
and then memorize it no nobody says hey
what do you do will you pull up your
memories of the vacation you remember
you re embody them and then you start to
talk and maybe you say oh so we went to
Baja and then maybe consciously maybe
unconsciously you notice that one of
your friends has a puzzled look that’s
not the response you want so you try to
fix it
oh the Baja Peninsula is part of Mexico
and if your friend smiles now then
you’ve done two things first you’ve
gotten the response to you wand and
second if you tell that same story again
later you’ll likely include that same
things in the first place
so that if you keep telling a story to
people eventually every part of that
story is something that has worked so
the whole story becomes a sequence of
successful interactions and in the
process you’ve been practicing
getting the response you want we have
also been practicing mending any breaks
in the cycle of rapport something else
about report to get deep rapport you
need to be open if you try to hide
something important maybe an emotion
you’re having your listeners are likely
consciously or not to sense that to stop
responding to you quite so readily
to unsent with you so the price you pay
for deep rapport is always some degree
of vulnerability and what you get in
exchange for that trusting of your
listeners is some of what we most deeply
desire from each other meaningful
connection so the third strategy for
building connection is building rapport
and I’ve already told you some ways that
you can do that first you can respond to
your listeners responses that makes you
kind of like a bicycle rider continually
adjusting your steering in order to stay
on course and you can shape a story
build a story by letting your listeners
responses help shape it and to do that
you may need helping listeners people
who agree to listen to a story in
progress as a favor to you and you can
be open open to yourself open to your
listeners open to whatever feelings the
story brings up in you all those decades
ago on that rainy Tuesday I had no idea
I was treating those teams like
co-creators I had no idea I was engaging
them in image mode to make them more
open I had no idea I was helping to
build a cycle of rapport and I certainly
had no idea that I was engaging in him
in a mode of communication storytelling
that has all three of those connection
building strategies built into it but I
did notice the results
I noticed those first drops of
connection seeping through the cracks in
the concrete walls of those teens
resistance first they’re listening then
their eyes forgetting for the moment to
glare focused instead on their own
images of leaving home and then months
later working in teams with open
postures all of his smiling and those
drops of connection gave me the courage
to keep at it for the additional months
that it would take until we could swim
together in flowing streams of
connection
[Applause]
invisible ways to create connection how
did I first experienced that 1970
November a rainy Tuesday I was sitting
in my parked car trying to gather up
enough courage to go into my job yet
another day I was a first-year teacher
of young teens with behavior problems
and I had wanted to be the adult Ally
that they always never had but all I saw
from them was the crossed arms scowling
faces I tried everything I could think
of week after week by this day in
November I’d given up I have even
started coming in to work a little later
every day and this day I was so late the
teachers would already be in their
classrooms the other teachers they
wouldn’t even notice when I came in that
did it I got out of the car running
through the raindrops beating on my head
I opened the big wooden door to the
school and there were all five of the
other teachers so much for stealth entry
I said what Doug the assistant principal
is out sick no you see the assistant
principal was the one who on rainy days
would cram all seventy teens into one
room keep them busy until classes could
start by telling them stories are they
in there yes do something I I heard a
recording of a folktale the other day
maybe I could tell that yes they she
shoved me in the room close the door
behind me
and there I was
the only adult in a room was 70 angry
teams I said I’m gonna tell you a story
and they gave me a look like it better
be a good one like the assistant
principal tells could I even remember
this story okay there were there were
three basic episodes I could sort of
remember the beginning they’re looking
at me I’ve got to start Jack and his
mother we’re having a hard time and Jack
had to go out into the world alone to
find his own fortune when I get that far
I looked at them and they had shifted
from this to this their arms had
loosened just a little their eyes had
rolled up just a little it was a tiny
change but after two months of no change
it was like the angels were singing
Hallelujah I was encouraged so I kept
telling this story and as I told it I
realized in this story the teens were on
Jack’s side I was on Jack’s side in the
story we were on the same side when the
story was over they tightened up again
but it was too late
I’d already glimpsed what it could be
like to be connected to them so I went
back to trying to be on their side three
months later a day in February I looked
around my little classroom and there
they were working happily together in
teams of two and three and I thought
they did it and now all these decades
later I think back to that rainy Tuesday
in November
and I think the story did it it
certainly changed my life I mean it it
exposed me to this force that was so
compelled to master it to understand it
to teach it so what had I done on that
rainy Tuesday looking back I believe
that unknowingly I used three strategies
for creating connection that are built
into the very process of storytelling
and to explain the first strategy I need
to ask you a question you remember the
teens in the room well in your mind how
were they arranged raise your hand if in
your mind they were seated at desks
raise your hand if in your mind they
were sitting standing randomly around
the room raise your hand if you have any
image in your mind of how they were
arranged whether you raise your hand
before or not you might not have had
visual images you might have imagined
sounds auditory images or feelings in
your gut
kinesthetic images but the key thing to
notice is I didn’t say a word about how
they were arranged in the room I told
you that there were 70 of them and they
were crammed in and I showed you how
they looked but every single thing that
you and any one of you imagined in
addition to those things it’s something
that you created purely in your own mind
in other words each of you was a
co-creator of the story that you
imagined
well it turns out that people are more
likely to connect with you if you don’t
treat them as passive recipients but as
active participants as co-creators and
that’s the first strategy for creating
connection that’s built in to the very
process of storytelling how do you do
that how do you treat someone as a
co-creator well for starters you focus
less on saying the right thing and you
focus more on stimulating your listeners
to imagine what’s the second strategy
well we know from research that if you
engage people in what I call concept
mode or idea mode calculating evaluating
following logic then those people are
more likely to be focused but less
likely to be open or to be generous but
if you engage those same people in image
mode imagining associating they’re more
likely to be open to be generous and to
respond with empathy so when I told that
story to the teens it put them into
image mode and that made it easier for
them to care about Jack and to be open
enough to me to engage in my story so if
this second strategy is to engage people
on image mode how is that different from
the first strategy co-creation suppose I
asked you to solve a math problem well
you’ll be in concept mode and you won’t
be creating but if I help you create
your own math
problem you’ll still be in concept mode
but you will also be in co-creation mode
if I ask you to make an exact drawing
copying my drawing you’ll be in image
mode and you won’t be creating but
storytelling has the amazing ability to
combine the image mode strategy with the
co-creation strategy by helping your
listeners create their own images so how
do you do that how do you engage people
in image mode one important way is to be
an image mode yourself so that means
imagining experiencing every moment of
your story in your eyes or your ears or
your gut or your skin in your whole body
so for the third strategy I need to
bring you back to those teens remember I
started the story and they loosened up a
little bit let’s break that down I said
some words Jack and his mother and all
that and in response to that they
loosened up a little bit and then in
response to their loosening I got
encouraged and then in response to my
encouragement they got more engaged in
the story and so we had begun a cycle of
responding to each other’s responses and
every time that cycle went around it
knit us a little more tightly together
the best word I have to describe that
cycle is rapport I mean literally
rapport is a feeling of mutual
understanding that I believe can be
increased and even induced by this kind
of mutual responsiveness it’s worth
noticing
that you can practice imagining by
yourself but you can’t practice building
rapport by yourself so how do you
practice it suppose you’re at dinner
with a bunch of your friends and one of
them says to you hey how was that – a
vacation of yours here’s what you do not
say you don’t say oh excuse me only a
few minutes I have to write it all down
and then memorize it no nobody says hey
what do you do will you pull up your
memories of the vacation you remember
you re embody them and then you start to
talk and maybe you say oh so we went to
Baja and then maybe consciously maybe
unconsciously you notice that one of
your friends has a puzzled look that’s
not the response you want so you try to
fix it
oh the Baja Peninsula is part of Mexico
and if your friend smiles now then
you’ve done two things first you’ve
gotten the response to you wand and
second if you tell that same story again
later you’ll likely include that same
things in the first place
so that if you keep telling a story to
people eventually every part of that
story is something that has worked so
the whole story becomes a sequence of
successful interactions and in the
process you’ve been practicing
getting the response you want we have
also been practicing mending any breaks
in the cycle of rapport something else
about report to get deep rapport you
need to be open if you try to hide
something important maybe an emotion
you’re having your listeners are likely
consciously or not to sense that to stop
responding to you quite so readily
to unsent with you so the price you pay
for deep rapport is always some degree
of vulnerability and what you get in
exchange for that trusting of your
listeners is some of what we most deeply
desire from each other meaningful
connection so the third strategy for
building connection is building rapport
and I’ve already told you some ways that
you can do that first you can respond to
your listeners responses that makes you
kind of like a bicycle rider continually
adjusting your steering in order to stay
on course and you can shape a story
build a story by letting your listeners
responses help shape it and to do that
you may need helping listeners people
who agree to listen to a story in
progress as a favor to you and you can
be open open to yourself open to your
listeners open to whatever feelings the
story brings up in you all those decades
ago on that rainy Tuesday I had no idea
I was treating those teams like
co-creators I had no idea I was engaging
them in image mode to make them more
open I had no idea I was helping to
build a cycle of rapport and I certainly
had no idea that I was engaging in him
in a mode of communication storytelling
that has all three of those connection
building strategies built into it but I
did notice the results
I noticed those first drops of
connection seeping through the cracks in
the concrete walls of those teens
resistance first they’re listening then
their eyes forgetting for the moment to
glare focused instead on their own
images of leaving home and then months
later working in teams with open
postures all of his smiling and those
drops of connection gave me the courage
to keep at it for the additional months
that it would take until we could swim
together in flowing streams of
connection
[Applause]
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