[Music]
what would you think if you came to see
a therapist like me to talk about an
issue in your family and I told you the
problem is you have a beast in your
family you think I was crazy right well
let me share my story and then tell me
what you think if you’re a parent and
particularly if your kids are now
teenagers you may very well be hosting a
houseguest you never dreamed of a truly
beastly character and no it’s not your
teenager I’m talking about
it’s worse than Jabba the Hutt more
destructive than Godzilla and I call
this beast the parent teen control
battle parents when you first decided to
have kids were you thinking wow wouldn’t
it be great to have a teenager to put on
restriction I can’t wait for my teenager
to be old enough so I can take his
computer privileges away
I think fighting with my daughter to get
off on social media get going on our
homework will be so rewarding
now of course not that’s ridiculous you
start with the idea of loving and
playing with and teaching your children
and believe if you love your children
enough they will be happy easy to raise
kids and teenagers who will become happy
successful adults and yet with all these
good intentions and so much effort the
experience of adolescence will throw
many parents and teenagers for a loop
what makes adolescents such a game
changer anyway and is there a way to
bypass all the conflict and pain well
once we know what we’re up against I’ll
be able to show you the two essential
steps necessary to address that question
but first some background adolescence is
that transitional time between childhood
and young adulthood teenagers are
learning to become their own
persons able to function independently
from their parents it’s truly an amazing
time of metamorphosis kids are opening
up their wings and learning to fly
what’s important for parents and teens
as kids travel through their adolescence
is to gradually shift the relationship
from one of strict teen accountability
to their parents to teen accountability
and responsibility for themselves in
this way kids learn and grow towards
their independence it’s not a smoother
easy journey for most kids but the ups
and downs the stormy parts they’re all
part of the learning that makes up this
journey complicating this journey even
further are the physiological and
neurological changes taking place which
profoundly affect how kids think feel
and act often the people are teenagers
have become can be so different that
they’re almost unrecognizable to their
parents so it’s not unreasonable to
expect that this will be a challenging
time for our kids and us their
beleaguered parents the folks who are
often taking the hits as our kids move
away from us towards their inevitable
and desirable emancipation well this is
fine
never easy of course but we hang in
there we read a couple of books on
adolescence because our kids don’t come
with instructions and we manage our
anxiety and sometimes our kids travel
through their teen years and things work
out pretty well never perfectly of
course but reasonably well yes and yet
because of the unique challenges that
adolescence presents many parents and
teenagers will will find themselves
locked in a chronic struggle a struggle
I’ve termed the parent teen control
battle know this isn’t that occasional
event where parents and teens clash it’s
a repeating pattern of interaction that
has come to define the relationship
a pattern where kids are continually
avoiding responsibilities or engaging
unhealthy or destructive behavior and
parents are continually attempting to
get kids to manage their
responsibilities
stop destructive behavior and engage
healthy ones you see relationship
patterns are have momentum and even
though they are invisible they’re
powerful and enduring much more so than
we are aware so when the relationship
pattern between parents and teens
becomes a control battle all the parents
love all their good intentions will be
undermined by this beast these battles
take place over serious issues such as
substance abuse or kids not coming home
at night they take place over homework
or getting off the internet or just
making messes battles can be various
combinations of loud and high conflict
or soft that are silent and avoidant the
common thread is that any engagement
will be feel stressful and it will be
unproductive appearance attempts to
create a change in team behavior will be
met with resistance and any improvement
will be at best short-lived things that
should be simple will now be difficult
things that should be easy will be maybe
impossible once there is a beast in the
family it must be starved out to get
things back on track let me tell you
about a dad who came to see me in my
office to talk with me about his 14 year
old son beau he said beau is not
applying himself in school and they
struggled getting him to do his homework
every night and even then he was barely
passing he’d been caught smoking weed
and there were very concerns about the
kinds of kids that he was now hanging
out with mom and dad tried various
consequences taking his phone away of
course then they couldn’t reach him
taking his computer privileges away but
nothing made any real change
they even backed off to see if that
would help but beau didn’t seem to care
and then if they just let him fail well
then where would they
be dad was very concerned
he knew Bo was such a great kid at heart
but he knew he was going down the wrong
road and then trying to help him he felt
stuck he could push punish fight and
argue and maybe keep Oh a float or back
off and watching fail here’s an example
of the kinds of conversations that went
on at home dad would say Bo
quit playing your games to get going on
your homework I don’t have any homework
I did it all at school well what about
those missing assignments on Infinite
Campus no mr. K said I shouldn’t worry
about those I should just study for the
test well I don’t agree with that of you
of assignments you need to do them and
you’re not studying for the test the
test isn’t until Friday I’ve got plenty
of time
quit playing now and get off the
computer or I’m taking it away why are
you being all like that I’m playing with
my friends if I stop now it wrecks the
game for everybody well dad didn’t want
to be the guy who wrecks the game for
everybody
so he said okay a half an hour more but
that’s it well this had become their
relationship dad trying to get Bo to do
what Bo needs to do and Bo fighting his
father avoiding responsibility and doing
what’s exciting and fun dad said when Bo
was little he was an active cooperative
and really positive kid he was a
friendly he was athletic he was a good
helper everybody loved him dad confided
that when he himself was a kid his older
brother had gotten into drugs and that
became a problem that plagued him all
the way into his adult years he didn’t
want that for Bo dad was scared and he
was confused he and his wife had been so
loving and positive with Bo it was
nothing like the angry household he grew
up in what went wrong well dad didn’t
realize it but he and Bo were in the
clutches of the Beast and I saw it and I
knew what they needed to do
to turn things around and like I said
earlier there are only two but two very
essential things we need to do to make a
big shift and starve the beast
number one reclaim a healthy vision of
your kid right now the Beast has a
picture in Dad’s head of Bo going down
the wrong road and ending up like his
uncle dad give yourself permission to
remember those wonderful qualities you
know and love about Bo your kid needs to
know that even though he’s not where he
needs to be right now that his dad
believes in them and here’s something we
all need to remember many if not most
teenagers struggle with their
self-esteem often they forget that they
can be successful now or in the future
if we lose faith in them and in their
adolescent journey they’ll lose faith in
themselves and in us dad needs to
remember and focus on what a terrific
kid Bo really is and make sure he
conveys it to him authentically with his
manner and with his tone and with his
words the second thing that dad needs to
do is stop trying to change in control
bo why because changing a controlling Bo
is Bo’s job dad needs to stop giving
consequences for what bo does wrong and
offer him privileges if and when he
earns them and how does Bo earn them he
does two things he has a good attitude
demonstrating respect for and
cooperation with his parents and second
he manages responsibilities with his
best effort bo doesn’t need to be
perfect he needs to he needs to own his
responsibilities he needs to show up and
do his best let’s think about this dad
had things upside down
he was holding and communicating and
negative vision of Bo and
bo had privileges he clearly hadn’t
earned when we take these two essential
steps number one we make it clear that
we believe in our kids and we’re on
their side and number two that we’re
happy for them to have plenty of
privileges as long as they earn them and
we hold to that our kids will make a big
shift and the beast will be nowhere to
be found
so parents is there a beastly houseguest
in your home if not great job keep it up
if there is don’t worry you’ve got
exactly what your kid needs the courage
to believe in them and to expect their
best and when you do you’re innately
fabulous kid will learn grow and thrive
and family life well family life without
the Beast that is can be exactly what
you hoped for all along
[Applause]
what would you think if you came to see
a therapist like me to talk about an
issue in your family and I told you the
problem is you have a beast in your
family you think I was crazy right well
let me share my story and then tell me
what you think if you’re a parent and
particularly if your kids are now
teenagers you may very well be hosting a
houseguest you never dreamed of a truly
beastly character and no it’s not your
teenager I’m talking about
it’s worse than Jabba the Hutt more
destructive than Godzilla and I call
this beast the parent teen control
battle parents when you first decided to
have kids were you thinking wow wouldn’t
it be great to have a teenager to put on
restriction I can’t wait for my teenager
to be old enough so I can take his
computer privileges away
I think fighting with my daughter to get
off on social media get going on our
homework will be so rewarding
now of course not that’s ridiculous you
start with the idea of loving and
playing with and teaching your children
and believe if you love your children
enough they will be happy easy to raise
kids and teenagers who will become happy
successful adults and yet with all these
good intentions and so much effort the
experience of adolescence will throw
many parents and teenagers for a loop
what makes adolescents such a game
changer anyway and is there a way to
bypass all the conflict and pain well
once we know what we’re up against I’ll
be able to show you the two essential
steps necessary to address that question
but first some background adolescence is
that transitional time between childhood
and young adulthood teenagers are
learning to become their own
persons able to function independently
from their parents it’s truly an amazing
time of metamorphosis kids are opening
up their wings and learning to fly
what’s important for parents and teens
as kids travel through their adolescence
is to gradually shift the relationship
from one of strict teen accountability
to their parents to teen accountability
and responsibility for themselves in
this way kids learn and grow towards
their independence it’s not a smoother
easy journey for most kids but the ups
and downs the stormy parts they’re all
part of the learning that makes up this
journey complicating this journey even
further are the physiological and
neurological changes taking place which
profoundly affect how kids think feel
and act often the people are teenagers
have become can be so different that
they’re almost unrecognizable to their
parents so it’s not unreasonable to
expect that this will be a challenging
time for our kids and us their
beleaguered parents the folks who are
often taking the hits as our kids move
away from us towards their inevitable
and desirable emancipation well this is
fine
never easy of course but we hang in
there we read a couple of books on
adolescence because our kids don’t come
with instructions and we manage our
anxiety and sometimes our kids travel
through their teen years and things work
out pretty well never perfectly of
course but reasonably well yes and yet
because of the unique challenges that
adolescence presents many parents and
teenagers will will find themselves
locked in a chronic struggle a struggle
I’ve termed the parent teen control
battle know this isn’t that occasional
event where parents and teens clash it’s
a repeating pattern of interaction that
has come to define the relationship
a pattern where kids are continually
avoiding responsibilities or engaging
unhealthy or destructive behavior and
parents are continually attempting to
get kids to manage their
responsibilities
stop destructive behavior and engage
healthy ones you see relationship
patterns are have momentum and even
though they are invisible they’re
powerful and enduring much more so than
we are aware so when the relationship
pattern between parents and teens
becomes a control battle all the parents
love all their good intentions will be
undermined by this beast these battles
take place over serious issues such as
substance abuse or kids not coming home
at night they take place over homework
or getting off the internet or just
making messes battles can be various
combinations of loud and high conflict
or soft that are silent and avoidant the
common thread is that any engagement
will be feel stressful and it will be
unproductive appearance attempts to
create a change in team behavior will be
met with resistance and any improvement
will be at best short-lived things that
should be simple will now be difficult
things that should be easy will be maybe
impossible once there is a beast in the
family it must be starved out to get
things back on track let me tell you
about a dad who came to see me in my
office to talk with me about his 14 year
old son beau he said beau is not
applying himself in school and they
struggled getting him to do his homework
every night and even then he was barely
passing he’d been caught smoking weed
and there were very concerns about the
kinds of kids that he was now hanging
out with mom and dad tried various
consequences taking his phone away of
course then they couldn’t reach him
taking his computer privileges away but
nothing made any real change
they even backed off to see if that
would help but beau didn’t seem to care
and then if they just let him fail well
then where would they
be dad was very concerned
he knew Bo was such a great kid at heart
but he knew he was going down the wrong
road and then trying to help him he felt
stuck he could push punish fight and
argue and maybe keep Oh a float or back
off and watching fail here’s an example
of the kinds of conversations that went
on at home dad would say Bo
quit playing your games to get going on
your homework I don’t have any homework
I did it all at school well what about
those missing assignments on Infinite
Campus no mr. K said I shouldn’t worry
about those I should just study for the
test well I don’t agree with that of you
of assignments you need to do them and
you’re not studying for the test the
test isn’t until Friday I’ve got plenty
of time
quit playing now and get off the
computer or I’m taking it away why are
you being all like that I’m playing with
my friends if I stop now it wrecks the
game for everybody well dad didn’t want
to be the guy who wrecks the game for
everybody
so he said okay a half an hour more but
that’s it well this had become their
relationship dad trying to get Bo to do
what Bo needs to do and Bo fighting his
father avoiding responsibility and doing
what’s exciting and fun dad said when Bo
was little he was an active cooperative
and really positive kid he was a
friendly he was athletic he was a good
helper everybody loved him dad confided
that when he himself was a kid his older
brother had gotten into drugs and that
became a problem that plagued him all
the way into his adult years he didn’t
want that for Bo dad was scared and he
was confused he and his wife had been so
loving and positive with Bo it was
nothing like the angry household he grew
up in what went wrong well dad didn’t
realize it but he and Bo were in the
clutches of the Beast and I saw it and I
knew what they needed to do
to turn things around and like I said
earlier there are only two but two very
essential things we need to do to make a
big shift and starve the beast
number one reclaim a healthy vision of
your kid right now the Beast has a
picture in Dad’s head of Bo going down
the wrong road and ending up like his
uncle dad give yourself permission to
remember those wonderful qualities you
know and love about Bo your kid needs to
know that even though he’s not where he
needs to be right now that his dad
believes in them and here’s something we
all need to remember many if not most
teenagers struggle with their
self-esteem often they forget that they
can be successful now or in the future
if we lose faith in them and in their
adolescent journey they’ll lose faith in
themselves and in us dad needs to
remember and focus on what a terrific
kid Bo really is and make sure he
conveys it to him authentically with his
manner and with his tone and with his
words the second thing that dad needs to
do is stop trying to change in control
bo why because changing a controlling Bo
is Bo’s job dad needs to stop giving
consequences for what bo does wrong and
offer him privileges if and when he
earns them and how does Bo earn them he
does two things he has a good attitude
demonstrating respect for and
cooperation with his parents and second
he manages responsibilities with his
best effort bo doesn’t need to be
perfect he needs to he needs to own his
responsibilities he needs to show up and
do his best let’s think about this dad
had things upside down
he was holding and communicating and
negative vision of Bo and
bo had privileges he clearly hadn’t
earned when we take these two essential
steps number one we make it clear that
we believe in our kids and we’re on
their side and number two that we’re
happy for them to have plenty of
privileges as long as they earn them and
we hold to that our kids will make a big
shift and the beast will be nowhere to
be found
so parents is there a beastly houseguest
in your home if not great job keep it up
if there is don’t worry you’ve got
exactly what your kid needs the courage
to believe in them and to expect their
best and when you do you’re innately
fabulous kid will learn grow and thrive
and family life well family life without
the Beast that is can be exactly what
you hoped for all along
[Applause]
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