good evening ladies and gentlemen how
are you all doing today that’s good
that’s good so I’m going to talk to you
guys about something that happened to me
five months ago on October 6 at 9:30
p.m. I called home my mother picked up
mama I need to tell you something yeah
what is it I am NOT coming home oh so
you need us to come pick you up no mama
I’m not coming home I’ve chosen to live
on campus what followed was a litany of
accusations and recriminations
what are you doing how could you do this
what did we do to you and finally where
did we go wrong what my mother could not
know was that I had and that I am still
asking myself those same questions my
name is Ella holla’d but I was born in
Pakistan raised as a Muslim and became
an American these three identities of
myself proscribed codes of conduct tacit
rules of behavior and frequently
burdensome expectations never had these
three elements of myself been more in
conflict than now with countless voices
crying out trying to decide what it
means to be a good Muslim or even a real
American whatever country is struggling
with today
I have been struggling with my entire
life how do I claim and honor the
diverse influences of my cultures and
decide who I am besides as a Pakistani
girl I was expected to go to school to
earn a degree however I was never
supposed to use that degree rather I was
to marry the man of my parents dreams
preferably one they had chosen have
children and spend the rest of my life
raising a family and keeping a home I
was never supposed to use my degree
build a career or have a personal life
outside of my home while I do respect
the merit of these responsibilities I
can
not accept a culture that believes this
is the only suitable life for a woman
besides these limitations they do not
have their roots in Islam and the Salaam
women had the right to marry a spouse of
their choice so as long as he is a just
in righteous man who upholds his
religious obligations ironically enough
Pakistan itself was built on religious
freedom that freedom to practice
religion without persecution from any
other groups nowadays many parts of the
country uses Islam as a way to justify
their own heinous acts
unfortunately Haji song is not the only
country to do so again I cannot accept a
culture that manipulates the idea of
Islam for their own oppression on women
is there a way for me to claim my
Pakistani heritage while refusing to
accept their lifestyle for women of
course I am by birth a Pakistani but I
am by choice in American and yet America
has expectations of me as well of course
I have the freedom of religion right but
don’t look to Muslim of course I have
the freedom to worship but do you have
to pray right now and of course America
is a melting pot but they just aren’t
like us
and I have often felt like the day and
not like the US is there a way for me to
claim my American life while silencing
those who believe I may cause another
9/11 the constant in both the Pakistani
in the American culture was the practice
of Islam however that did not come easy
either like in all religions there are
differences among believers on one hand
I had my family who told who told me how
to dress how to act in how to speak on
the other hand I had people who asked me
why do you oppress yourself take that
his Yaba show the world how beautiful
you really are in short I had Muslim
brothers and sisters who told me that I
was either not properly covered or I was
too devout is there a way for me to show
my commitment to Islam that does not
garner indignation from other Muslims
how could I possibly fulfill the
expectations of each of these three
elements in my life and be who I wanted
to be the Weasly the weeks leading up to
that phone call to my mother I struggled
with the reality I wrestled with the
reality that I was not enough not enough
of a Pakistani not enough an American
not enough of a Muslim as I confronted
my shortcomings as I tried and tried
again to fulfill those same expectations
I was convinced that I was not enough
but then I began to hear those around me
they expect me to publish they expect me
to have a 4.0 they expect me to solve
their problems they expect me to pay my
own tuition they expect and they expect
and they expect rarely did these
conversations begin with hey do you know
what I want really was anyone being
asked what do you want to do with your
passion your gift or your faith rarely
was anyone saying anything that meant
hey I know what your expectations of me
are and I just don’t want to meet them
in my case no one ever asked me
sella what do you want as a Pakistani as
a Muslim as an American and how will you
use your own expectations to form your
wider world your own career and most
importantly yourself I understand we all
have and we all meet expectations others
have of us some reluctantly and others
joyfully but when those same
expectations smother our individuality
silence our inner voice or even erode
our beliefs it is our duty to question
those expectations and when I did I
didn’t know who I was anymore
I didn’t know what I expected of myself
and I didn’t know what to do so I gave
it some thought actually a lot of
thought and I realized that I expected
myself to take back control of my life
and I expected myself to make decisions
for and
by myself deciding to leave my parents
home was the first the first decision I
ever made for and by myself because I
had been pushed I had been nudged to
abide by the expectations of culture
religion and gender I was taught to
honor others I was taught to fit in and
I was taught to live within very narrow
lanes of what was expected of me so I
knew right then and there I had to free
myself from the environment that had
trapped me mentally and emotionally from
being who I wanted to be but I did not
do it alone I had a lot of help from
friends who supported me in this
decision and I thank them for that as
for my parents well let’s just say
they’re having a hard time adjusting to
my decision but I know by the will of
God they will come around as I end my
speech I want to say a few things it is
time as human beings we learn to choose
and make choices for ourselves to
thoughtfully choose through the
expectations we wish to follow and if
you have never done so it will feel like
you don’t know who you are you will be
so insecure about yourself you will feel
like a failure I did and yes it does
take a while to revive from all this but
what I learned was that I am strong
enough I am capable enough I am
resilient enough to get through this
hardship today and forever and I expect
you will to thank
[Applause]
are you all doing today that’s good
that’s good so I’m going to talk to you
guys about something that happened to me
five months ago on October 6 at 9:30
p.m. I called home my mother picked up
mama I need to tell you something yeah
what is it I am NOT coming home oh so
you need us to come pick you up no mama
I’m not coming home I’ve chosen to live
on campus what followed was a litany of
accusations and recriminations
what are you doing how could you do this
what did we do to you and finally where
did we go wrong what my mother could not
know was that I had and that I am still
asking myself those same questions my
name is Ella holla’d but I was born in
Pakistan raised as a Muslim and became
an American these three identities of
myself proscribed codes of conduct tacit
rules of behavior and frequently
burdensome expectations never had these
three elements of myself been more in
conflict than now with countless voices
crying out trying to decide what it
means to be a good Muslim or even a real
American whatever country is struggling
with today
I have been struggling with my entire
life how do I claim and honor the
diverse influences of my cultures and
decide who I am besides as a Pakistani
girl I was expected to go to school to
earn a degree however I was never
supposed to use that degree rather I was
to marry the man of my parents dreams
preferably one they had chosen have
children and spend the rest of my life
raising a family and keeping a home I
was never supposed to use my degree
build a career or have a personal life
outside of my home while I do respect
the merit of these responsibilities I
can
not accept a culture that believes this
is the only suitable life for a woman
besides these limitations they do not
have their roots in Islam and the Salaam
women had the right to marry a spouse of
their choice so as long as he is a just
in righteous man who upholds his
religious obligations ironically enough
Pakistan itself was built on religious
freedom that freedom to practice
religion without persecution from any
other groups nowadays many parts of the
country uses Islam as a way to justify
their own heinous acts
unfortunately Haji song is not the only
country to do so again I cannot accept a
culture that manipulates the idea of
Islam for their own oppression on women
is there a way for me to claim my
Pakistani heritage while refusing to
accept their lifestyle for women of
course I am by birth a Pakistani but I
am by choice in American and yet America
has expectations of me as well of course
I have the freedom of religion right but
don’t look to Muslim of course I have
the freedom to worship but do you have
to pray right now and of course America
is a melting pot but they just aren’t
like us
and I have often felt like the day and
not like the US is there a way for me to
claim my American life while silencing
those who believe I may cause another
9/11 the constant in both the Pakistani
in the American culture was the practice
of Islam however that did not come easy
either like in all religions there are
differences among believers on one hand
I had my family who told who told me how
to dress how to act in how to speak on
the other hand I had people who asked me
why do you oppress yourself take that
his Yaba show the world how beautiful
you really are in short I had Muslim
brothers and sisters who told me that I
was either not properly covered or I was
too devout is there a way for me to show
my commitment to Islam that does not
garner indignation from other Muslims
how could I possibly fulfill the
expectations of each of these three
elements in my life and be who I wanted
to be the Weasly the weeks leading up to
that phone call to my mother I struggled
with the reality I wrestled with the
reality that I was not enough not enough
of a Pakistani not enough an American
not enough of a Muslim as I confronted
my shortcomings as I tried and tried
again to fulfill those same expectations
I was convinced that I was not enough
but then I began to hear those around me
they expect me to publish they expect me
to have a 4.0 they expect me to solve
their problems they expect me to pay my
own tuition they expect and they expect
and they expect rarely did these
conversations begin with hey do you know
what I want really was anyone being
asked what do you want to do with your
passion your gift or your faith rarely
was anyone saying anything that meant
hey I know what your expectations of me
are and I just don’t want to meet them
in my case no one ever asked me
sella what do you want as a Pakistani as
a Muslim as an American and how will you
use your own expectations to form your
wider world your own career and most
importantly yourself I understand we all
have and we all meet expectations others
have of us some reluctantly and others
joyfully but when those same
expectations smother our individuality
silence our inner voice or even erode
our beliefs it is our duty to question
those expectations and when I did I
didn’t know who I was anymore
I didn’t know what I expected of myself
and I didn’t know what to do so I gave
it some thought actually a lot of
thought and I realized that I expected
myself to take back control of my life
and I expected myself to make decisions
for and
by myself deciding to leave my parents
home was the first the first decision I
ever made for and by myself because I
had been pushed I had been nudged to
abide by the expectations of culture
religion and gender I was taught to
honor others I was taught to fit in and
I was taught to live within very narrow
lanes of what was expected of me so I
knew right then and there I had to free
myself from the environment that had
trapped me mentally and emotionally from
being who I wanted to be but I did not
do it alone I had a lot of help from
friends who supported me in this
decision and I thank them for that as
for my parents well let’s just say
they’re having a hard time adjusting to
my decision but I know by the will of
God they will come around as I end my
speech I want to say a few things it is
time as human beings we learn to choose
and make choices for ourselves to
thoughtfully choose through the
expectations we wish to follow and if
you have never done so it will feel like
you don’t know who you are you will be
so insecure about yourself you will feel
like a failure I did and yes it does
take a while to revive from all this but
what I learned was that I am strong
enough I am capable enough I am
resilient enough to get through this
hardship today and forever and I expect
you will to thank
[Applause]
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