so the earliest memory I have being
associated with an eating disorder was
in 1st or 2nd grade I don’t think I ever
really took my own body into account but
it was when the other kids started to
tell me that I was ugly and anorexic
that started to look at myself and my
body a lot more consciously and I’m not
really sure if the way that kids treated
me then was considered bullying it was
more oh well the kids are just being
kids and if the boys make fun of you
it’s because they like you and from a
very young age I had a drive to succeed
and I wanted to be good at something as
I evidently lacked in terms of my
appearance I was in still am a classic
type-a personality in middle school I
remember using food to deal with how I
was feeling mentally and emotionally if
I was worried I would skip lunch if I
didn’t feel worthy eating fell very low
well my hierarchy of importance it was
that concept that spiraled out of
control my freshman year of high school
when I encountered a trauma and began
self harming for the first time
sophomore year I remember being
surrounded by girls at the lunch table
who only talked about calories and they
used that app MyFitnessPal to track what
they were eating they just wanted to
lose a couple pounds or look good in a
bikini but I took it a little further it
was during the spring of that year that
I began taking trips to the bathroom
after lunch trying to empty myself of
whatever nutrients I just consumed
thinking that’s how I’m going to get the
look the other girls want and when
school ended that year I welcome summer
and I also welcome new changes in my
body I couldn’t understand how I gained
so much weight so fast it was that
weight gain that began the cycle of
being encouraged to eat more throwing my
lunch away and having dizzy spells
whenever anyone asked if I was okay my
answer was always a lie when my junior
year started I was taking more advanced
classes and AP classes and I took on
more responsibilities and that left no
time to take care of myself
within a couple of months I experienced
the downward spiral that left me in
front of my AP Biology your teacher
pleading for help because I just
couldn’t understand the struggle that
was going on inside of me my teacher had
a gift of helping those with eating
disorders but within a couple weeks he
knew that the help I needed was outside
of with which he could help me he told
my parents about my anorexia which was
one of these scariest days I had
encountered in a long time this started
a domino effect of backlash from them
because they couldn’t understand why I
wouldn’t eat and why I saw myself a
certain way and what had changed in just
a few months the days I spent intensely
intertwined with my anorexia for which
would come to be about two years were
some of the loneliest every single day I
was struggling between starving purging
and self-harm asking myself just when
the vicious cycle would end my
relationship with my eating disorder was
toxic and no matter what I said or what
I tried to do I found myself victim to
the awful voices in my head and I want
to say it was around the time that I
recall being in the deepest part of my
disorder that I was denied outpatient
treatment for being too sick what they
actually did they took my height and my
weight at the time and they came up with
a number and they said we will not take
you because you are a liability so they
would not allow me to try their program
they didn’t want to give me a chance and
I that completely broke me after that I
was denied access to outpatient
treatment four more times and I gave up
hope that I had any chance of getting
better from this point I had anxiety
attacks that would span over the course
of several days and more frequent
episodes of purging and self-harm it was
here that I thought it was time to give
in I realized as the early months of my
senior year went on how much time I had
lost how sick I was and how much I had
given up just a hold on to my disorder I
think that one of the most common
misconceptions about eating disorders is
that it’s all about the weight but I
will be the first person to tell you
that it’s not
because of my eating disorder I lost
weight I lost friends I lost my
happiness and I really lost myself on
December 15th 2015 I was admitted to the
inpatient unit at the Sheppard Pratt
Center for eating disorders here in
Baltimore this is not only something
that I cried about for hours the night
before but something that I had been
waiting for for over a year I realized
that that was my true chance at
achieving recovery and I getting my life
back
becoming someone who wasn’t defined by
their eating disorder after losing hope
so many times the possibility of finally
getting better was on my radar again I
actually believe that recovery was
possible and I vowed to myself to be the
living testament of just that when I
think about the last year of my life the
only word that comes to mind is
breathtaking I’ve attended four
different treatment programs of all
different levels and I’ve become someone
that I didn’t know I had the capacity to
be I’m a full-time college student a
leader of the awareness campaign
beautiful me and telling my story of
embracing change in hopes of making a
difference
I only discharged from treatment about
five months ago but the comparison to
how I feel now versus how I felt then is
incredible when I was in patient one of
my teachers he actually came to visit me
and he looked at me and he said you look
more alive I don’t think I could hear
something that was more relevant to how
I was beginning to feel I wasn’t only
looking more alive I was truly beginning
to feel more alive and I’m learning that
recovery is a giant wave and that
healing truly comes in waves some days
the wave does hit the rock and other
days I feel like I’m drowning but that’s
okay because at the end of the day I’m
so healing I’m creating Who I am and
that’s a free spirit a sunflower at
heart and a warrior by blood and every
day I have a new path to undertake I’m
breathing through the process one step
at a time I’m accepting that I am
beautiful I am beautiful and I wouldn’t
want to be anybody other than me thank
you
[Applause]
associated with an eating disorder was
in 1st or 2nd grade I don’t think I ever
really took my own body into account but
it was when the other kids started to
tell me that I was ugly and anorexic
that started to look at myself and my
body a lot more consciously and I’m not
really sure if the way that kids treated
me then was considered bullying it was
more oh well the kids are just being
kids and if the boys make fun of you
it’s because they like you and from a
very young age I had a drive to succeed
and I wanted to be good at something as
I evidently lacked in terms of my
appearance I was in still am a classic
type-a personality in middle school I
remember using food to deal with how I
was feeling mentally and emotionally if
I was worried I would skip lunch if I
didn’t feel worthy eating fell very low
well my hierarchy of importance it was
that concept that spiraled out of
control my freshman year of high school
when I encountered a trauma and began
self harming for the first time
sophomore year I remember being
surrounded by girls at the lunch table
who only talked about calories and they
used that app MyFitnessPal to track what
they were eating they just wanted to
lose a couple pounds or look good in a
bikini but I took it a little further it
was during the spring of that year that
I began taking trips to the bathroom
after lunch trying to empty myself of
whatever nutrients I just consumed
thinking that’s how I’m going to get the
look the other girls want and when
school ended that year I welcome summer
and I also welcome new changes in my
body I couldn’t understand how I gained
so much weight so fast it was that
weight gain that began the cycle of
being encouraged to eat more throwing my
lunch away and having dizzy spells
whenever anyone asked if I was okay my
answer was always a lie when my junior
year started I was taking more advanced
classes and AP classes and I took on
more responsibilities and that left no
time to take care of myself
within a couple of months I experienced
the downward spiral that left me in
front of my AP Biology your teacher
pleading for help because I just
couldn’t understand the struggle that
was going on inside of me my teacher had
a gift of helping those with eating
disorders but within a couple weeks he
knew that the help I needed was outside
of with which he could help me he told
my parents about my anorexia which was
one of these scariest days I had
encountered in a long time this started
a domino effect of backlash from them
because they couldn’t understand why I
wouldn’t eat and why I saw myself a
certain way and what had changed in just
a few months the days I spent intensely
intertwined with my anorexia for which
would come to be about two years were
some of the loneliest every single day I
was struggling between starving purging
and self-harm asking myself just when
the vicious cycle would end my
relationship with my eating disorder was
toxic and no matter what I said or what
I tried to do I found myself victim to
the awful voices in my head and I want
to say it was around the time that I
recall being in the deepest part of my
disorder that I was denied outpatient
treatment for being too sick what they
actually did they took my height and my
weight at the time and they came up with
a number and they said we will not take
you because you are a liability so they
would not allow me to try their program
they didn’t want to give me a chance and
I that completely broke me after that I
was denied access to outpatient
treatment four more times and I gave up
hope that I had any chance of getting
better from this point I had anxiety
attacks that would span over the course
of several days and more frequent
episodes of purging and self-harm it was
here that I thought it was time to give
in I realized as the early months of my
senior year went on how much time I had
lost how sick I was and how much I had
given up just a hold on to my disorder I
think that one of the most common
misconceptions about eating disorders is
that it’s all about the weight but I
will be the first person to tell you
that it’s not
because of my eating disorder I lost
weight I lost friends I lost my
happiness and I really lost myself on
December 15th 2015 I was admitted to the
inpatient unit at the Sheppard Pratt
Center for eating disorders here in
Baltimore this is not only something
that I cried about for hours the night
before but something that I had been
waiting for for over a year I realized
that that was my true chance at
achieving recovery and I getting my life
back
becoming someone who wasn’t defined by
their eating disorder after losing hope
so many times the possibility of finally
getting better was on my radar again I
actually believe that recovery was
possible and I vowed to myself to be the
living testament of just that when I
think about the last year of my life the
only word that comes to mind is
breathtaking I’ve attended four
different treatment programs of all
different levels and I’ve become someone
that I didn’t know I had the capacity to
be I’m a full-time college student a
leader of the awareness campaign
beautiful me and telling my story of
embracing change in hopes of making a
difference
I only discharged from treatment about
five months ago but the comparison to
how I feel now versus how I felt then is
incredible when I was in patient one of
my teachers he actually came to visit me
and he looked at me and he said you look
more alive I don’t think I could hear
something that was more relevant to how
I was beginning to feel I wasn’t only
looking more alive I was truly beginning
to feel more alive and I’m learning that
recovery is a giant wave and that
healing truly comes in waves some days
the wave does hit the rock and other
days I feel like I’m drowning but that’s
okay because at the end of the day I’m
so healing I’m creating Who I am and
that’s a free spirit a sunflower at
heart and a warrior by blood and every
day I have a new path to undertake I’m
breathing through the process one step
at a time I’m accepting that I am
beautiful I am beautiful and I wouldn’t
want to be anybody other than me thank
you
[Applause]
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