Rhode Island the ocean state there is
water everywhere and I love it
growing up in Charlestown Rhode Island
was nothing but a privilege we had the
ocean ponds rivers immediately
accessible to us it was absolutely
incredible in the summer of 1982 I was
not yet ten years old and I was at the
backyard birthday party of one of my
friends they had a raft hastily tied to
the water’s edge like a makeshift dock
and one by one each kid would jump off
that dock into the water I remember to
this day that feeling of freedom when I
left into the air I also remember the
coldness of the water as it enveloped me
and I even remember my toes
squishing into the murky sand below and
as I go to pop back up like every kid
before me BAM
I hit my head I open my eyes and the
first thing I see is nails I am under
the raft and I am terrified I can’t
breathe I am flailing out of control and
I will never forget that feeling for as
long as I live the same current that
took me under the raft brought me out to
the other side the whole event was
probably 15 seconds but it was the most
harrowing 15 seconds of my life I
learned one essential truth that day I
never wanted to be caught under the raft
again I would have been fine had I just
stayed on the raft when you feel fear
you want safety and when you feel
discomfort you want comfort
and when you feel like you are flailing
out of control all you want is to
control your situation I discovered I
found comfort and safety in cookies lots
of cookies it started with an extra
cookie here than a sleeve of cookies
there next thing you know I was just
stealing bags of cookies out of the
pantry and hoarding the evidence under
my bed I’m the six of seven children we
always had food who could ever really
account for who was eating what here’s
how my food cycle went I noticed that
when I was feeling these emotions of
fear anxiety if I was ever angry food
would put distance between me and that
feeling so I would eat and I would feel
better and then I’d eat a little more
and I’d feel even better
and then I’d continue to eat and then
I’d feel stuffed and guilty and ashamed
and what happens when you don’t want to
feel you eat that was the hamster wheel
I spent 30 years on topping out at my
heaviest recorded weight of 425 pounds
for a long time I tried to pretend that
my weight didn’t bother me I was the
girl who was always laughing and I was
quick to crack a joke about my weight
because it was infinitely better if I
said something than if you did it’s not
without effort that I remained fat
I’ve tried diet after diet after diet
for years
I would meet with some success and then
as soon as the weight would go it would
come right back
hamster wheel hamster wheel hamster we
are living your life as a super morbidly
obese person can be very challenging now
super morbidly obese is the technical
term for any person who has a body mass
index of 45 or above a 5 foot 5 female
like myself weighing 425 pounds my BMI
was 70 it gets to your self-esteem to a
place where even if someone wanted to
date me I would seriously question their
motives for the first two years of my
relationship with the man who is now my
husband I spent lurking around corners
waiting for the big surprise I really
don’t want to be with you and truth be
told I probably wouldn’t have blamed him
when I finally did settle into belief
that he loved me just the way that I was
it was almost a challenge to me
personally as it was to society at large
we got married when I was 39 years old
when my father was a kid his mother
passed away of a heart attack five days
before Christmas she was 39 years old
what should have been the most joyous
time of my life planning my wedding in
the back of my head I had this suspicion
this fear this anxiety is that gonna be
me is this gonna be my year another diet
which brings me to January 1st 2014 I
remember the day because it’s the new
year and my daughter was home from Salvi
Regina University on holiday break and
she was intent on cleaning my office now
the clean jean in my family went
straight from my mother skipped me and
went to my daughter so she was all about
it she was like okay mom
new year new day were clean in that
office tomorrow I woke up on January 1st
before her thankful that I would have a
couple of minutes because when she’s on
a tear for something oh it’s going to
happen in my home I could never make it
past the fifth stair without stopping I
would have to stop collect my breath and
then plow forth the rest of the way
after my five step break I start back up
the stairs and my knee goes out and I
grab the banister and the screw comes
out of the wall plaster hitting the
floor and in that instant I knew I was
going to fall falling down the stairs is
dangerous falling down the stairs at 400
pounds can kill you I didn’t fall but I
was absolutely shook my daughter hears
the ruckus comes out of the room are you
okay I’m fine I am talking inside I’m
not fine I am absolutely freaking out
okay we’re doing that office today let’s
go I walk up the stairs the rest of the
way my knee on fire and my heart beating
through my chest when we were done with
the office it was beautiful and I have
to say it was the most organized it had
been in years
my daughter said I’m gonna take some
pictures to show grandma she’s gonna be
so excited
awesome I am gonna take a nap she goes
you’ve earned it I had a futon in the
side of my office
and I took a nap there hours later I
woke up in my pristine office very proud
of myself and I decided to look through
the pictures that she took and there I
go and then all of a sudden I see a
picture that sucked the air out of my
lungs it was me on the futon I took up
the whole futon and I looked as tired
and as sick as I have felt inside
everything I ever tried to hide in a
photograph was on that picture and it
only went to my mother and I was so
embarrassed it was time to do something
again I decided to look into weight loss
surgery I had looked at it for years but
I’m the type of person who would watch
my 600-pound life double-fisting Ben and
Jerry’s thinking well at least I’m not
that bad right I’m okay I’m good maybe
when I get there I’ll do it like my 30
years of obesity was clearly not enough
of an indicator that I may need some
additional help but then I read an
article that changed my life by changing
my perspective it was written by a
cardiologist who was talking about how
everyone thinks weight loss surgery is
so drastic I was on Team drastic weight
loss surgery seems pretty drastic then
he wrote this as a cardiologist every
single day I take a vein from somebody’s
leg and I thread it through their heart
and no one says that’s drastic but
that’s drastic for the first time
weight-loss surgery wasn’t a place where
people went where they had no option
weight loss surgery became a medical
surgical
procedure that could very well change my
life I did my research in earnest and I
was getting more and more excited with
everything I read everything I saw and
to quell this excitement I had to bring
in the big guns my number-one fan my
biggest supporter my husband and I’m
thinking he is gonna be thrilled so he
comes in and I go Jeff I want to have
weight-loss surgery and he goes know
what why he goes oh no no don’t do that
for me I love you just the way you are
people die doing that that was the day I
had to share some very painful truths
with my husband the first truth is it
every day that I’m alive like this I am
staring death in the face I could leave
here today and get hit by a bus so death
is no longer an option to be utilized to
stop this process but what I didn’t tell
him was that all I really wanted was the
surgery was for me because I wanted to
love me the way he loves me and I
couldn’t I couldn’t in December of 2014
after nearly a year of pre-op testing
and counseling
I had R&Y gastric bypass with the full
support of my family now I’ve tried a
lot of diets in my day literally all of
them like all of them and I noticed that
there was one thing that was missing
from every single diet every last one I
wanted to go to bed at 400 pounds and
wake up at 150 with no further effort on
my
part so a lot of people think that
weight loss surgery is like that that
you have surgery you just kind of move
on with your day and there’s no further
effort on your part necessary but then
you learn that eating well and movement
is essential to long-term success
essentially and there’s a lot of work in
weight loss surgery and a lot of people
aren’t aware of that either I started
moving more I started walking and then I
started running and I decided that I was
gonna run the New York City Marathon
because it had been a 20-year dream of
mine to run a marathon it’s like the
ultimate endurance competition that I
was sure to be last in but I wanted to
do this on one particularly long
training run because marathon training
is long and you’re alone a lot with
nothing but your thoughts and I have
just completed an 11 mile training run
and I ran into somebody that I hadn’t
seen in years
oh my goodness Regina what are you doing
you look great
oh thank you I had gastric bypass and
surgery I was so hoping you worked for
it I felt like I was punched in the
stomach and then I got angry because yes
I had surgery
it did not surgically remove my love of
ice cream and it certainly didn’t run 11
miles but then I had to remember there
is no stigma in heart bypass there’s
lots of stigma and gastric bypass and a
lot of people don’t understand what
gastric bypass is or does and so I
decided that I was going to make it my
mission to change the hearts and minds
of people who are considering gastric
bypass to not make it feel like they are
doing some horrible
drastic elective thing this could be
something that is life-saving but a
funny thing happened on my way to
changing everybody’s minds I happened to
change my own I was always the largest
person in a room always I used to wear
light sweaters at the beach because I
was so embarrassed about my arms I hated
my arms hated that and then I realized
that these jiggly arms hugged my
grandfather before he died in this
stomach the stomach that I could not
stand the stomach that I wished was
anything but what it was brought two
beautiful children into the world in
these legs for the longest time
everything from my calf’s
to the top of my thighs would rub and
chase and rub in chafe and I was so
embarrassed
by the rubbing and chafing and I hated
the rubbing and chafing but I never
stopped to be grateful that I was
walking and that is a gift that is not
bestowed to everyone my body had value
so then I thought back to that day on
the raft and what happened when I went
in the water what really happened when I
hit my head he said I went into the
water with a spirit of fear and I
emerged I’m sorry I went into the water
with a spirit of adventure and I emerged
with a spirit of fear and I allowed that
to color every single part of my life
after that but then just like that
something hadn’t come along and shift
your perspective and change what you
thought you already knew about something
and it doesn’t matter if it’s 30 years
later you can look at any event with a
fresh set
eyes and see something beautiful in it
and that’s the real lesson see you could
lose 250 pounds you can finish the
largest marathon in the world but the
point the value the lesson is that even
if you do none of those things you are
beautiful
amazing and you have value just the way you are right here right now today
water everywhere and I love it
growing up in Charlestown Rhode Island
was nothing but a privilege we had the
ocean ponds rivers immediately
accessible to us it was absolutely
incredible in the summer of 1982 I was
not yet ten years old and I was at the
backyard birthday party of one of my
friends they had a raft hastily tied to
the water’s edge like a makeshift dock
and one by one each kid would jump off
that dock into the water I remember to
this day that feeling of freedom when I
left into the air I also remember the
coldness of the water as it enveloped me
and I even remember my toes
squishing into the murky sand below and
as I go to pop back up like every kid
before me BAM
I hit my head I open my eyes and the
first thing I see is nails I am under
the raft and I am terrified I can’t
breathe I am flailing out of control and
I will never forget that feeling for as
long as I live the same current that
took me under the raft brought me out to
the other side the whole event was
probably 15 seconds but it was the most
harrowing 15 seconds of my life I
learned one essential truth that day I
never wanted to be caught under the raft
again I would have been fine had I just
stayed on the raft when you feel fear
you want safety and when you feel
discomfort you want comfort
and when you feel like you are flailing
out of control all you want is to
control your situation I discovered I
found comfort and safety in cookies lots
of cookies it started with an extra
cookie here than a sleeve of cookies
there next thing you know I was just
stealing bags of cookies out of the
pantry and hoarding the evidence under
my bed I’m the six of seven children we
always had food who could ever really
account for who was eating what here’s
how my food cycle went I noticed that
when I was feeling these emotions of
fear anxiety if I was ever angry food
would put distance between me and that
feeling so I would eat and I would feel
better and then I’d eat a little more
and I’d feel even better
and then I’d continue to eat and then
I’d feel stuffed and guilty and ashamed
and what happens when you don’t want to
feel you eat that was the hamster wheel
I spent 30 years on topping out at my
heaviest recorded weight of 425 pounds
for a long time I tried to pretend that
my weight didn’t bother me I was the
girl who was always laughing and I was
quick to crack a joke about my weight
because it was infinitely better if I
said something than if you did it’s not
without effort that I remained fat
I’ve tried diet after diet after diet
for years
I would meet with some success and then
as soon as the weight would go it would
come right back
hamster wheel hamster wheel hamster we
are living your life as a super morbidly
obese person can be very challenging now
super morbidly obese is the technical
term for any person who has a body mass
index of 45 or above a 5 foot 5 female
like myself weighing 425 pounds my BMI
was 70 it gets to your self-esteem to a
place where even if someone wanted to
date me I would seriously question their
motives for the first two years of my
relationship with the man who is now my
husband I spent lurking around corners
waiting for the big surprise I really
don’t want to be with you and truth be
told I probably wouldn’t have blamed him
when I finally did settle into belief
that he loved me just the way that I was
it was almost a challenge to me
personally as it was to society at large
we got married when I was 39 years old
when my father was a kid his mother
passed away of a heart attack five days
before Christmas she was 39 years old
what should have been the most joyous
time of my life planning my wedding in
the back of my head I had this suspicion
this fear this anxiety is that gonna be
me is this gonna be my year another diet
which brings me to January 1st 2014 I
remember the day because it’s the new
year and my daughter was home from Salvi
Regina University on holiday break and
she was intent on cleaning my office now
the clean jean in my family went
straight from my mother skipped me and
went to my daughter so she was all about
it she was like okay mom
new year new day were clean in that
office tomorrow I woke up on January 1st
before her thankful that I would have a
couple of minutes because when she’s on
a tear for something oh it’s going to
happen in my home I could never make it
past the fifth stair without stopping I
would have to stop collect my breath and
then plow forth the rest of the way
after my five step break I start back up
the stairs and my knee goes out and I
grab the banister and the screw comes
out of the wall plaster hitting the
floor and in that instant I knew I was
going to fall falling down the stairs is
dangerous falling down the stairs at 400
pounds can kill you I didn’t fall but I
was absolutely shook my daughter hears
the ruckus comes out of the room are you
okay I’m fine I am talking inside I’m
not fine I am absolutely freaking out
okay we’re doing that office today let’s
go I walk up the stairs the rest of the
way my knee on fire and my heart beating
through my chest when we were done with
the office it was beautiful and I have
to say it was the most organized it had
been in years
my daughter said I’m gonna take some
pictures to show grandma she’s gonna be
so excited
awesome I am gonna take a nap she goes
you’ve earned it I had a futon in the
side of my office
and I took a nap there hours later I
woke up in my pristine office very proud
of myself and I decided to look through
the pictures that she took and there I
go and then all of a sudden I see a
picture that sucked the air out of my
lungs it was me on the futon I took up
the whole futon and I looked as tired
and as sick as I have felt inside
everything I ever tried to hide in a
photograph was on that picture and it
only went to my mother and I was so
embarrassed it was time to do something
again I decided to look into weight loss
surgery I had looked at it for years but
I’m the type of person who would watch
my 600-pound life double-fisting Ben and
Jerry’s thinking well at least I’m not
that bad right I’m okay I’m good maybe
when I get there I’ll do it like my 30
years of obesity was clearly not enough
of an indicator that I may need some
additional help but then I read an
article that changed my life by changing
my perspective it was written by a
cardiologist who was talking about how
everyone thinks weight loss surgery is
so drastic I was on Team drastic weight
loss surgery seems pretty drastic then
he wrote this as a cardiologist every
single day I take a vein from somebody’s
leg and I thread it through their heart
and no one says that’s drastic but
that’s drastic for the first time
weight-loss surgery wasn’t a place where
people went where they had no option
weight loss surgery became a medical
surgical
procedure that could very well change my
life I did my research in earnest and I
was getting more and more excited with
everything I read everything I saw and
to quell this excitement I had to bring
in the big guns my number-one fan my
biggest supporter my husband and I’m
thinking he is gonna be thrilled so he
comes in and I go Jeff I want to have
weight-loss surgery and he goes know
what why he goes oh no no don’t do that
for me I love you just the way you are
people die doing that that was the day I
had to share some very painful truths
with my husband the first truth is it
every day that I’m alive like this I am
staring death in the face I could leave
here today and get hit by a bus so death
is no longer an option to be utilized to
stop this process but what I didn’t tell
him was that all I really wanted was the
surgery was for me because I wanted to
love me the way he loves me and I
couldn’t I couldn’t in December of 2014
after nearly a year of pre-op testing
and counseling
I had R&Y gastric bypass with the full
support of my family now I’ve tried a
lot of diets in my day literally all of
them like all of them and I noticed that
there was one thing that was missing
from every single diet every last one I
wanted to go to bed at 400 pounds and
wake up at 150 with no further effort on
my
part so a lot of people think that
weight loss surgery is like that that
you have surgery you just kind of move
on with your day and there’s no further
effort on your part necessary but then
you learn that eating well and movement
is essential to long-term success
essentially and there’s a lot of work in
weight loss surgery and a lot of people
aren’t aware of that either I started
moving more I started walking and then I
started running and I decided that I was
gonna run the New York City Marathon
because it had been a 20-year dream of
mine to run a marathon it’s like the
ultimate endurance competition that I
was sure to be last in but I wanted to
do this on one particularly long
training run because marathon training
is long and you’re alone a lot with
nothing but your thoughts and I have
just completed an 11 mile training run
and I ran into somebody that I hadn’t
seen in years
oh my goodness Regina what are you doing
you look great
oh thank you I had gastric bypass and
surgery I was so hoping you worked for
it I felt like I was punched in the
stomach and then I got angry because yes
I had surgery
it did not surgically remove my love of
ice cream and it certainly didn’t run 11
miles but then I had to remember there
is no stigma in heart bypass there’s
lots of stigma and gastric bypass and a
lot of people don’t understand what
gastric bypass is or does and so I
decided that I was going to make it my
mission to change the hearts and minds
of people who are considering gastric
bypass to not make it feel like they are
doing some horrible
drastic elective thing this could be
something that is life-saving but a
funny thing happened on my way to
changing everybody’s minds I happened to
change my own I was always the largest
person in a room always I used to wear
light sweaters at the beach because I
was so embarrassed about my arms I hated
my arms hated that and then I realized
that these jiggly arms hugged my
grandfather before he died in this
stomach the stomach that I could not
stand the stomach that I wished was
anything but what it was brought two
beautiful children into the world in
these legs for the longest time
everything from my calf’s
to the top of my thighs would rub and
chase and rub in chafe and I was so
embarrassed
by the rubbing and chafing and I hated
the rubbing and chafing but I never
stopped to be grateful that I was
walking and that is a gift that is not
bestowed to everyone my body had value
so then I thought back to that day on
the raft and what happened when I went
in the water what really happened when I
hit my head he said I went into the
water with a spirit of fear and I
emerged I’m sorry I went into the water
with a spirit of adventure and I emerged
with a spirit of fear and I allowed that
to color every single part of my life
after that but then just like that
something hadn’t come along and shift
your perspective and change what you
thought you already knew about something
and it doesn’t matter if it’s 30 years
later you can look at any event with a
fresh set
eyes and see something beautiful in it
and that’s the real lesson see you could
lose 250 pounds you can finish the
largest marathon in the world but the
point the value the lesson is that even
if you do none of those things you are
beautiful
amazing and you have value just the way you are right here right now today
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