a lot of time in my life thinking about
talking about and writing about sex this
is not necessarily the path I had mapped
out for myself growing up in Minnesota
and my parents would probably agree with
me there so not surprisingly as I was
growing up sex was not on the tip of my
tongue
now I grew up in the Midwest which meant
I was immersed in this wonderful reality
known as Minnesota nice and anyone
that’s ever visited the Midwest and come
away thinking about how Pleasant the
experience was has experienced this
regional delicacy now after you left you
probably weren’t aware of the
passive-aggressiveness or the talking
behind your back that happened
afterwards but that’s a story for
another time you see this isn’t a story
about the power of nice this is a story
about the power of sex now
as we think about the power of sex part
of what we’re thinking about and for me
was the reality that I was not
encouraged to ask that question in the
first place now I have no doubt that if
I had asked my parents to sit me down
and have the talk they probably would
have and they would have done so happily
and probably done a better job than most
perhaps you remember that talk with your
own parents yeah you remember that look
in their eyes as they search for the
words to describe to you what you were
asking words that were never conveyed to
them in any parenting manual words that
weren’t passed down to them in the form
of sage advice yeah are we thinking
about it okay well the reality is I
never asked that question and my parents
didn’t have to answer it now that
doesn’t mean that I wasn’t exploring
these ideas and thinking about them in a
host of other ways our environment is
saturated with messages about sexuality
and as we go throughout our lives we
spend a great deal of time thinking
about it we spend a great deal of time
thinking about the power that is imbued
within that reality of sexuality but
sexuality is about more than just the
act of sex right it’s
about some very basic existential
questions that we ask ourselves Who am I
am I good enough
am i normal what a sex feel like what is
love actually perhaps you’ve asked these
questions of yourself because of the
power that lies within them is a reality
based on the language that we use to
talk about sexuality so when we think
about sex it’s not surprising then that
we have a whole host of words to
describe sexual acts but we shy away
from having complicated complicated
conversations about medically accurate
language we spend a lot of time talking
about what we shouldn’t do but we don’t
necessarily spend time talking about
what we should do and as a result our
sexuality is hindered we don’t have the
power to really convey the language
that’s important within the sexuality
and it’s that language that lies at the
heart of why sexuality is so crucial and
so with that in mind I’m hoping all of
you will humor me for a moment if you
so I want to take us through a little
bit of a short exercise a little
stretching vocal stretching if you will
it’s pretty simple and on the count of
three I would like each and every one of
you at the top of your lungs to yell the
word penis are you with me let’s give it
a try one two three
wow that was better than I get a lot of
times now let’s try it with the word
vagina one two three all right go ahead
and sit down hey thank you for humoring
me and B thank you for helping me
illustrate the first point that I’d like
to discuss language the language of
sexuality has a profound impact on so
many different aspects of our lives in
fact it was language that led me down
this path in the first place as a shy
undergraduate student at the University
of Minnesota I just started to come out
of my Fortress of sexual solitude if you
will and I took my first human sexuality
class on the first day of class the
professor told us a story she was a
working mother and a sex-positive
sexuality educator and her daughter who
was now in kindergarten had gone to
daycare well she was teaching and
working now being the sexuality educator
that she was she dot taught her daughter
how to use the proper vocabulary to talk
about her body well one day her daughter
came home and said mommy my vagina hurts
she looked at her daughter with obvious
trepidation and asked her to repeat
which her daughter did with the same
discomfort as the first time and after
digging a little deeper it came to light
that the daycare providers eight year
old son had sexually molested her so
this court case went to court
and throughout the trial the veracity of
the claim was certainly verified and at
the end of the trial the judge
ultimately ended up finding both the
father and the son not responsible for
any criminal wrongdoing his rationale
but because her daughter was able to
accurately label the parts of her body
she was able to give consent at that
point the true power of sexuality came
crashing down on her the language of
sexuality influences our ideas our
politics our education our stereotypes
indeed we are taught how to perform
every aspect of our sexuality just ask
Judith Butler now since we’re on the
topic this is probably as good a time as
any to talk a little bit about consent
we say the words yes and no dozens of
times every day in response to a myriad
of questions and we don’t think twice
about it so why then is it so difficult
to have conversations about consent why
is it so difficult to challenge this
understanding and educate our young
people about consent I’ll tell you why
it all comes back to sex a lot of things
do really and so with this power in mind
it’s not surprising that we are unable
to have even the most broad
understanding of how to talk about
sexuality and if we can’t talk about
sexuality then we certainly can’t talk
about consent but the reality is
sexuality has an influence on a whole
host of choices in our lives
sexuality dictates who brings life into
this world
sexuality dictates how we experience
pleasure sexuality dictates how we
sexuality quite literally plays a role
in determining how much time we spend on
this pale blue dot and so it is within
that context that we talk not only about
sexuality but we talk about the choice
and the ability to make those choices
that is inherent in our understanding of
sexuality we are immersed on a daily
basis with a whole host of gender
stereotypes that dictate all kinds of
different behavior in our lives as
Judith Butler so aptly states gender we
do not merely perform gender but gender
is in fact performative and it’s the
power of that performance that plays a
role in how decisions and actions are
made for each and every one of us if we
look back throughout history we know
that sexuality has been at the heart of
the rise and fall of civilizations even
today our sexually and politically
charged air is only another recycling of
a centuries-old conversation as we
struggle to understand the power of
sexuality and how to grapple with that
power sometimes I feel like sexuality is
the ultimate clash should I stay or
should I go it’s fitting then that with
all of this power the way in which we
see sexuality means we sometimes look at
it as this proverbial orgasmic black
hole and we spend all of our time
flirting around the event horizon now
understandably so as we get closer to
the Sun if you will things get a little
more dangerous and therefore it’s not
surprising that within the power of
sexuality we see a majority of violence
that is perpetuated on various aspects
of our society it’s fitting that as we
look to the future and we look at the
conversations that are taking place we
realize
that her lawmakers continue to have
conversations about pornography and
other deviant acts deeming them a public
health crisis but at the same time we
can’t even pass the most basic gun
control legislation I guess the takeaway
is the penis really is mightier than the
so as michel foucault so aptly states
power is everywhere not because it
embraces everything but because it comes
from everything and sexuality is an
extension of that power when we look at
the reality of how sexuality is
communicated I can think of no more
appropriate venue for the culture wars
that have emanated from our discussion
of sexuality than that of the education
that does or doesn’t take place in our
society we have sunk billions of dollars
into abstinence-only conversations about
sexuality while at the same time failing
to acknowledge even the most basic
comprehensive discussions we worry that
we are going to rile up our youth and
send them into a sexual frenzy much like
I no doubt did when I was asking all of
you to say penis for the first time
tonight now I don’t think any of you
walked out of the room in order to
control yourselves so I think we’re safe
right I think we’re okay but the reality
is this is not a new conversation that
we are having women have been expressing
their concerns about conduct about
behavior about harassment for centuries
what has changed is the volume of their
voices and hopefully our ability to
listen to those voices and act
accordingly
to make change make no mistake me too is
not a new movement and me too is more
than simply a hashtag it is more than
sin
we a social movement because we know
that sexual violence is real
we know that stalking is real
we know that sex trafficking is real and
we’re at a tipping point as a society
the brave voices of many individuals
that have stepped out of the shadows to
tell their story and to pick others up
along the way are managing to do what
all of the legislation and public policy
for the last hundred years have been
unable to do the question then becomes
what are we going to do with this
momentum what are we going to do with
this increased understanding of
sexuality and the power that it holds as
we move forward we have to think about
sexuality not simply as an abstract
concept but it has a concept that has
significance for each and every one of
us in our lives because in some way
shape or form we are all touched by the
power of sexuality and if we are going
to move forward and reclaim the power of
sexuality then it means we have to
reclaim the language we have to reclaim
our conversations about consent we have
to reclaim our choices our identity our
education because we’re not just
fighting for the power of sexuality but
we’re fighting for the very power of our
identity and our being and the choices
we make about how we express ourselves
and so my call to each of you is to
reclaim the power of sexuality for good thank you
talking about and writing about sex this
is not necessarily the path I had mapped
out for myself growing up in Minnesota
and my parents would probably agree with
me there so not surprisingly as I was
growing up sex was not on the tip of my
tongue
now I grew up in the Midwest which meant
I was immersed in this wonderful reality
known as Minnesota nice and anyone
that’s ever visited the Midwest and come
away thinking about how Pleasant the
experience was has experienced this
regional delicacy now after you left you
probably weren’t aware of the
passive-aggressiveness or the talking
behind your back that happened
afterwards but that’s a story for
another time you see this isn’t a story
about the power of nice this is a story
about the power of sex now
as we think about the power of sex part
of what we’re thinking about and for me
was the reality that I was not
encouraged to ask that question in the
first place now I have no doubt that if
I had asked my parents to sit me down
and have the talk they probably would
have and they would have done so happily
and probably done a better job than most
perhaps you remember that talk with your
own parents yeah you remember that look
in their eyes as they search for the
words to describe to you what you were
asking words that were never conveyed to
them in any parenting manual words that
weren’t passed down to them in the form
of sage advice yeah are we thinking
about it okay well the reality is I
never asked that question and my parents
didn’t have to answer it now that
doesn’t mean that I wasn’t exploring
these ideas and thinking about them in a
host of other ways our environment is
saturated with messages about sexuality
and as we go throughout our lives we
spend a great deal of time thinking
about it we spend a great deal of time
thinking about the power that is imbued
within that reality of sexuality but
sexuality is about more than just the
act of sex right it’s
about some very basic existential
questions that we ask ourselves Who am I
am I good enough
am i normal what a sex feel like what is
love actually perhaps you’ve asked these
questions of yourself because of the
power that lies within them is a reality
based on the language that we use to
talk about sexuality so when we think
about sex it’s not surprising then that
we have a whole host of words to
describe sexual acts but we shy away
from having complicated complicated
conversations about medically accurate
language we spend a lot of time talking
about what we shouldn’t do but we don’t
necessarily spend time talking about
what we should do and as a result our
sexuality is hindered we don’t have the
power to really convey the language
that’s important within the sexuality
and it’s that language that lies at the
heart of why sexuality is so crucial and
so with that in mind I’m hoping all of
you will humor me for a moment if you
so I want to take us through a little
bit of a short exercise a little
stretching vocal stretching if you will
it’s pretty simple and on the count of
three I would like each and every one of
you at the top of your lungs to yell the
word penis are you with me let’s give it
a try one two three
wow that was better than I get a lot of
times now let’s try it with the word
vagina one two three all right go ahead
and sit down hey thank you for humoring
me and B thank you for helping me
illustrate the first point that I’d like
to discuss language the language of
sexuality has a profound impact on so
many different aspects of our lives in
fact it was language that led me down
this path in the first place as a shy
undergraduate student at the University
of Minnesota I just started to come out
of my Fortress of sexual solitude if you
will and I took my first human sexuality
class on the first day of class the
professor told us a story she was a
working mother and a sex-positive
sexuality educator and her daughter who
was now in kindergarten had gone to
daycare well she was teaching and
working now being the sexuality educator
that she was she dot taught her daughter
how to use the proper vocabulary to talk
about her body well one day her daughter
came home and said mommy my vagina hurts
she looked at her daughter with obvious
trepidation and asked her to repeat
which her daughter did with the same
discomfort as the first time and after
digging a little deeper it came to light
that the daycare providers eight year
old son had sexually molested her so
this court case went to court
and throughout the trial the veracity of
the claim was certainly verified and at
the end of the trial the judge
ultimately ended up finding both the
father and the son not responsible for
any criminal wrongdoing his rationale
but because her daughter was able to
accurately label the parts of her body
she was able to give consent at that
point the true power of sexuality came
crashing down on her the language of
sexuality influences our ideas our
politics our education our stereotypes
indeed we are taught how to perform
every aspect of our sexuality just ask
Judith Butler now since we’re on the
topic this is probably as good a time as
any to talk a little bit about consent
we say the words yes and no dozens of
times every day in response to a myriad
of questions and we don’t think twice
about it so why then is it so difficult
to have conversations about consent why
is it so difficult to challenge this
understanding and educate our young
people about consent I’ll tell you why
it all comes back to sex a lot of things
do really and so with this power in mind
it’s not surprising that we are unable
to have even the most broad
understanding of how to talk about
sexuality and if we can’t talk about
sexuality then we certainly can’t talk
about consent but the reality is
sexuality has an influence on a whole
host of choices in our lives
sexuality dictates who brings life into
this world
sexuality dictates how we experience
pleasure sexuality dictates how we
sexuality quite literally plays a role
in determining how much time we spend on
this pale blue dot and so it is within
that context that we talk not only about
sexuality but we talk about the choice
and the ability to make those choices
that is inherent in our understanding of
sexuality we are immersed on a daily
basis with a whole host of gender
stereotypes that dictate all kinds of
different behavior in our lives as
Judith Butler so aptly states gender we
do not merely perform gender but gender
is in fact performative and it’s the
power of that performance that plays a
role in how decisions and actions are
made for each and every one of us if we
look back throughout history we know
that sexuality has been at the heart of
the rise and fall of civilizations even
today our sexually and politically
charged air is only another recycling of
a centuries-old conversation as we
struggle to understand the power of
sexuality and how to grapple with that
power sometimes I feel like sexuality is
the ultimate clash should I stay or
should I go it’s fitting then that with
all of this power the way in which we
see sexuality means we sometimes look at
it as this proverbial orgasmic black
hole and we spend all of our time
flirting around the event horizon now
understandably so as we get closer to
the Sun if you will things get a little
more dangerous and therefore it’s not
surprising that within the power of
sexuality we see a majority of violence
that is perpetuated on various aspects
of our society it’s fitting that as we
look to the future and we look at the
conversations that are taking place we
realize
that her lawmakers continue to have
conversations about pornography and
other deviant acts deeming them a public
health crisis but at the same time we
can’t even pass the most basic gun
control legislation I guess the takeaway
is the penis really is mightier than the
so as michel foucault so aptly states
power is everywhere not because it
embraces everything but because it comes
from everything and sexuality is an
extension of that power when we look at
the reality of how sexuality is
communicated I can think of no more
appropriate venue for the culture wars
that have emanated from our discussion
of sexuality than that of the education
that does or doesn’t take place in our
society we have sunk billions of dollars
into abstinence-only conversations about
sexuality while at the same time failing
to acknowledge even the most basic
comprehensive discussions we worry that
we are going to rile up our youth and
send them into a sexual frenzy much like
I no doubt did when I was asking all of
you to say penis for the first time
tonight now I don’t think any of you
walked out of the room in order to
control yourselves so I think we’re safe
right I think we’re okay but the reality
is this is not a new conversation that
we are having women have been expressing
their concerns about conduct about
behavior about harassment for centuries
what has changed is the volume of their
voices and hopefully our ability to
listen to those voices and act
accordingly
to make change make no mistake me too is
not a new movement and me too is more
than simply a hashtag it is more than
sin
we a social movement because we know
that sexual violence is real
we know that stalking is real
we know that sex trafficking is real and
we’re at a tipping point as a society
the brave voices of many individuals
that have stepped out of the shadows to
tell their story and to pick others up
along the way are managing to do what
all of the legislation and public policy
for the last hundred years have been
unable to do the question then becomes
what are we going to do with this
momentum what are we going to do with
this increased understanding of
sexuality and the power that it holds as
we move forward we have to think about
sexuality not simply as an abstract
concept but it has a concept that has
significance for each and every one of
us in our lives because in some way
shape or form we are all touched by the
power of sexuality and if we are going
to move forward and reclaim the power of
sexuality then it means we have to
reclaim the language we have to reclaim
our conversations about consent we have
to reclaim our choices our identity our
education because we’re not just
fighting for the power of sexuality but
we’re fighting for the very power of our
identity and our being and the choices
we make about how we express ourselves
and so my call to each of you is to
reclaim the power of sexuality for good thank you
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