six as we know it is very much
influenced by the mind as humans we can
choose to have sex unlike our animal
friends they never think about it
it’s happening when it’s happening and
it’s not when it’s not whereas we can
choose when to have it and how to have
it sex brings joy excitement the
possibility of love and connection it
also brings sadness and happiness
disappointment trauma there’s premature
ejaculation erection difficulties
performance stress there’s loss of
interest lack of orgasm physical pain
during sex and as you know couples often
separate because of sex fact is we think
the climax is the reason to have sex
it’s what we want it’s what we expect so
our minds have become imprinted with a
certain program or agenda that makes us
climax or goal-oriented in sex this goal
brings stress and tension for example
having to deliver a good performance
making your partner happy or pleasing
the partner getting it right or having
to have an orgasm or having to hold one
off for as long as possible and when
things don’t go according to plan
wishes then possible outcomes are we
become half-hearted with each other in
relating and intimacy or we give up we
stop trying or we look for another
partner hoping things will work out
better well I’m here to share with you
that these problems are not inherent to
sex the problem is not sex itself the
problem lies with the style of having it
our common style is mind filled sex
I say mind filled because we’re always
thinking about it even when we’re having
it we’re concerned about the climax
we’re monitoring our own performance
we’re wondering how the partners doing
and so on and if we believe and think
that the climax is the reason to have
sex then of course it has to be hot
intense building up excitement and
sensation but there is another style of
sex called mind full sex mindfulness is
a modern word very popular it’s real
meaning is awareness to be in the
awareness using the mind yes but using
it to direct the attention to be
centered aware and present in the body
you are not lost in thought and in
mindful sex we bring that same quality
of awareness like a meditation into the
exchange the tension is directed inside
the body and your whole body is used as
a sensing organ it’s more like you are
being sex rather than
doing sex and just as in meditation as
many of you know from your own personal
experience aware in the here-and-now no
goals let me repeat that in mindful sex
there are no goes even climax of course
it’s an option it’s a choice but it can
happen after 2 3 hours if you wish but
it’s not something that you work for
rather you relax take it easy imagine
for a moment that you decide to spend a
day in the nature imagine it’s a
beautiful day warm clear skies and at a
certain point you need to make a choice
do you follow your favorite trail up the
mountain or do you stay in the valley as
much as you love going up the mountain
but on this day you decide to stay in
the valley and you take a slow walk
explore the forest relax by the river
and you spend that day with no
particular goals in mind and without the
strain and the effort of reaching to the
peaks and the time is that follows what
I am saying is to make a conscious
decision to stay in the valleys and not
always searching for the peaks well this
does sound different right and yes
mindful sex does require that we open
our minds about sex and are you open
minded open to explore 30 years ago I
thought I was open minded I’d lived
through the 70s sexual freedom I thought
my sex life was great but then I
realized I was going around in circles
from falling in love to falling out of
over and over again I heard this growing
sense that they had to be more to sex
and at that time I was living in India
and that’s where I ran into this other
style of sex mind full sex or sex with
awareness so I spent the next five years
pretty suddenly researching and that was
not yes you got it I was not in
libraries reading books I was
researching in bed and you know mindful
sex is definitely nothing new it’s been
there for millennia bringing sex
together with awareness as a meditation
as a spiritual experience is one of the
aspects of Tantra an ancient body of
knowledge from India when I started out
I was curious better saw or some may say
adventurous again and again I’ve put
this ancient teaching into practice and
gradually my whole experience and view
of sex was revolutionized after a while
friends started coming to me with
questions and that led to me teaching
and then I began to write books about it
and I’ve been involved in this way for
25 years now usually when I talk about
this subject I have a lot of time to go
into detail several days no seminar or
the length of a book but here today in
this situation it’s going to be a
quickie but now you are probably asking
yourself well what does mindful sex look
like and it’s easiest to describe by
highlighting some contrasts because when
we bring mindfulness in certain shifts
and changes begin to happen for example
from earlier Jack ulation to lasting
much much longer even hours
from physical pain to physical pleasure
from performance pressure stress to
relaxing
taking it easy from disconnection and
sadness to feeling bonding with your
partner happy from loss of interest or
avoidance of sex to interest willingness
longing returning from feeling used or
seeing sex as duty to feeling valued and
appreciated so those shifts sound well
and good but actually how do we do it
the good big question firstly I want to
say that my own experience is
male-female and I’ve worked with
thousands of such couples over the years
however I have also worked with other
couple combinations and I can say with
all confidence that awareness will
increase the rapport intimacy and love
bond with any couple independently of
sexual orientation or gender identity
naturally some of the male-female
details won’t apply but principles can
be adapted and explored having said that
here’s nine basic principles the first
very practical you make a date you set
aside 2-3 hours or more and disturbed
time this works very well for women
because you know the female body warms
up and opens up to sex much more slowly
than the male body when the female body
is open and ready this will completely
raise the quality of the exchange for
both for men having a date is very
helpful because men are often walking
around wondering when they will next be
able to have sex again for sure and if
he knows it’s gonna happen tomorrow
night
or tonight
well he’s much more relaxed present
centered with himself and with you the
next principle is the most important and
that is if you get this one then
everything else just flows your
intention is to be as aware and present
as possible and you take it moment by
moment the next again and again you scan
your body relax it relax tensions check
your jaw shoulders belly genitals
buttocks anus and you do that repeatedly
the next is you breathe deep instead of
breathing shallow you know you breathe
deep and slow into the belly into the
genitals the next instead of entering
the body fast and forcefully you enter
very consciously and open the canal
millimeter by millimeter and you use
lubrication to ease that entry the next
instead of mechanical back and forth
friction type movements each movement is
done with awareness and that naturally
creates slowness and that increases your
sensitivity instead of building up and
building up excitement you relax into it
little excitement and then relax the
little excitement and then relax instead
of eyes closed and being involved in
thought or fantasy your eyes are open
you present you here you have eye
contact if you wish and anytime you can
share in words what you feel an
experience in your body and the last
have a sense of humor because really
funny things do happen and we all know
it’s so healthy and good to have a good
laugh but you laugh at yourself and not
your partner please
[Laughter]
in summary mindful sex is about staying
in the crew lizards and not getting too
hot and excited sex is like fire you add
wood to quickly let it burn bright it
will create beautiful blazing flames but
very soon that fire will die down
whereas if you add the wood piece by
piece by piece by piece and keep the
flame low then that same fire will last
the whole night through I’m not saying
that you have to forego mind filled sex
but just to be aware that problems are
created through that style so try to
open your mind and give yourself other
options have mind filled sex when you
want rush a quick I have mind full sex
when you want to nurture the love and
the connection between you in my
learning path how I felt afterwards was
the most important the greatest teacher
not immediately after but in the days
following too so next time afterwards
have a look allowing yourself to look
and feel what that style is doing to you
on a deeper level
for example the climax might have been
great but afterwards you feel a bit
tired or disconnected or sad
maybe irritable or aggressive whereas if
you stay in the coolest style you might
notice you feel refreshed energized I’ve
lifted and more in love with your
partner now the most important thing I
try it for yourself and prove it to
yourself it’s a doorway so close to home
it’s easy to pass it by or overlook it
but just around the corner just a turn
and a whole new universe opens up 30
years ago I could never have imagined
that changing the way I made love would
mean that I spend the rest of my days
talking about sex especially in a forum
such as this one so I am here without
goal or agenda to share with you a
life-changing truth that awareness in
sex creates love generates love and
nurtures connection I dream of a world
where we don’t only fall in love and
then fall out of love but where we rise
in love together let us begin the truth
sexual revolution and create a new
experience for Humanity a world where
couples live in harmony where sex
improves the longer you are together
where sex brings healing connection
confidence clarity where sex invites
love and peace on earth ladies and
gentlemen I wish you a courageous heart
in the spirit of adventure thank you
[Applause]
[Music] [Applause]