I’m a marriage and Family Therapist and
I also teach classes in Human
Development and Family Studies here at
URI one of the coolest parts about both
of my jobs is that I get to hear a lot
of family stories family stories have
always intrigued me even when I was a
little kid because not only do they
connect us to our past into previous
generations they also anchor us in the
present and they even have the power to
shape our futures sometimes family
stories are warm and uplifting and
sometimes they can be painful and kind
of heartbreaking as a therapist I’m
always curious about how we perceive our
family stories because if we perceive
our family stories to be painful or
shameful or something to be avoided
altogether then it’s a burden that we
can take with us our whole lives it can
even affect our current relationships I
was teaching this very concept to a
group of my students a couple of years
ago and to illustrate my point I shared
one of my own family stories and when I
finished my students were like Liz you
have to do a TED talk about this which I
was like no no I don’t but of course you
know really it works a couple of weeks
ago one of my students from that very
class emailed me and she said TEDx is
coming and I really think you should do
it and I felt so honored that she even
remembered me at all but I thought well
maybe this is a little bit valuable
because we can all learn lessons from
family stories even when they aren’t our
own so here goes my family story begins
in 1981 when my parents met at a country
line dancing competition
check out these really awesome outfits
you guys my mom swears this was in style
I don’t believe her at all they had both
been married and divorced and had kids
of their own
but they very quickly fell in love my
father proposed to my mother on that
exact dance floor they met they got
married they had me and they created one
big giant complicated but pretty happy
blended family when I was two years old
my father was diagnosed with an
aggressive form of cancer
and it very quickly took his life so he
was gone before I really got the chance
to know him and as I was growing up I
was always so curious about him I
naturally wanted to hear stories and so
my family gave me stories they told me
stories about how he was a war hero
and how he was a police officer and a
pillar of our community they told me how
he valued education he went back to
school as a much older adult learner
which I always think is like the coolest
thing and he even built our house with
his own two hands and like who does that
you know but my favorite stories were
always about his personality they told
me about how he was really funny he’s to
play pranks on us how he was really warm
and loving and kind and how he was able
to kind of when he walked into a room he
was able to make everybody in that room
feel at ease and comfortable so my
father became this like giant of a man
in my mind somebody that I wanted to be
just like it was total hero worship but
even still at that young age I
understood that these were borrowed
stories they weren’t exactly my direct
relationship for experiences with my
father and that was always just a little
bit painful for me because I understood
that I wasn’t really connected to him
when I was 10 years old
I was rummaging around in our basement
looking for whatever 10 year olds look
for I don’t really know I came across
this really big box and inside the box I
found two things I found this old Warren
leather briefcase and I found this small
wooden chest inside the briefcase
I found these beautiful love letters
that my father wrote to my mother when
he was dying because again he wasn’t
perfect enough already
these awards that were signed by these
very important sounding government
officials but the real treasure was
inside that small wooden box when I
opened it I found my father’s service
medals and right away I zeroed in on one
in particular and it was his Bronze Star
this exact Bond star the Bronze Star was
awarded for heroic service in a combat
zone I didn’t know that when I was 10
but what I did know was that when I held
the star in my
I felt more connected to my father than
I ever had in my entire life and I
imagined that he had also held the star
in his own hand at some point and so it
connected us through time and through
space so this very quickly became my
most prized possession and not long
after I found that star I had had this
really bad day at school and when I got
home I ran into my room I slammed the
door shut I grabbed that star and then I
threw myself as dramatically as possible
in my bed 10-year olds are prone to – I
could just kind of let the tears kind of
come and at some point I looked down at
that star in my hand and it prompted me
to ask myself two things what would my
father say and what would make my father
proud and it helped me to feel I don’t
know a little bit better a little bit
calmer a little bit stronger if I’m
being totally honest with you
I felt like my dad was there with me in
the room which was a huge source of
comfort for me at that age so this
process repeated itself like a million
times as I was growing up especially as
an angsty teen ain’t in the 90s blasting
my Alanis Morissette I had Alanis I had
that star and so they both had my back
it was great but that star was there for
me for everything it was there for me
when I went through really dramatic
breakups with boyfriends and it was
there for me when I got into fights with
friends or family
it came with me to college and job
interviews grad school and more job
interviews it was always there for me
when I needed a little bit more strength
and comfort when I finished grad school
I had wanted nothing more than to get a
place of my own I’d live with college
roommates forever you guys know how that
goes right
eventually you just kind of want to do
the thing on your own so I got myself an
apartment in the city and I shared it
only with my dog Sierra I’m still alive
and enjoying her old age today and when
I got the apartment I got to decorate it
the way I want it to which was awesome
so I have this big bookcase and on the
bookcase I had a shelf on that shelf I
put my father’s pictures and his awards
and his service medals and it just
served this very warm focal point in my
home I totally loved living there
flash forward just a little bit it was
Memorial Day weekend of 2011 and I had
been out with some friends celebrating
and it was getting a little bit late so
I decided to pack it up and head home
and when I got home I walked through the
back door of my apartment and right away
I knew that there was something wrong
and it was that my dog Sierra hadn’t
come to greet me at the back door which
was weird so I got worried and I thought
maybe she’s sick or maybe she got stuck
in a room somewhere so I started to look
for her and I walked into the apartment
I got about halfway in and I started to
notice that the place was a mess and my
husband will tell you I am NOT the
neatest person in the world he says I
have a tendency to hoard our closets
with clothes and shoes and knickknacks I
say that’s what closets are for but he
doesn’t believe me but this looked like
a closet had been dumped on my living
room floor there were clothes everywhere
papers furniture was askew and I stood
there looking at it for a second kind of
puzzled thinking like my dog do this
that’s impressive I don’t know how she
did that until I realized that I had
been robbed and then the hair on the
back of my neck just stood up because I
knew I wasn’t alone in that apartment
and I wasn’t but thankfully almost
immediately after I had that thought I
heard the front door slam shut and I
realized whoever had just been in there
with me
I just left but I still stood there for
a moment totally frozen because that’s
what you do when you’re in this
traumatic scary situation right so I
stood there until I heard the sound off
to my right and I looked down and it was
Sierra and she was underneath the table
and she was shaking she was really
scared and I kind of knocked me out of
it so I knelt down I scooped her up with
one arm and I pulled my cellphone out of
my back pocket and I called the police
when I hung up with the police I was
still kneeling on the floor and I
happened to be in front of my bookcase
and I can remember vividly looking up
and my heart just collapsed and my
stomach kind of dropped
because all of my father’s service
medals including the Bronze Star were
gone they were stolen in the days that
followed I searched pawn shops and
craigslist ads to no avail and I started
to understand that I was probably never
going to see that bronze star again and
I was truly truly devastated by that I
understood that that star was so much of
my development it was the only
connection I had to my father so I was
completely heartbroken one night I found
myself sitting in my bed tears of my
eyes not very much I’m like I had done
all those years ago was a little kid
except this time I didn’t have the
Bronze Star in my hand but even still
some of those familiar thoughts began to
creep in thoughts like what would my
father say and what would make my father
proud which led me to thinking a little
bit more critically about the star what
did it really mean what did it really
represent and I came up with these two
overarching and kind of overlapping
categories on the one hand the star
directly represented my father who he
was as a man how he lived his life how
he loved and laughed so easily and on
the other hand I represented these more
intangible values things like integrity
and strength kindness and compassion and
the grit it takes to make it in this
increasingly fierce worlds and then I
kind of thought you know my father is
legacy it’s not bound to that star but
rather it’s bound to me and I know that
it’s bound to me because I can see it
every day I can see it in small acts of
kindness I might do I can see it in the
way I care incredibly deeply for my
students my clients I can see it in the
way I value teaching and learning
definitely there when I laugh with my
husband my friends my family and it is
most
certainly there when I feel that
profound parental love when I hold my
daughter these are the spaces where my
father really lives so what really
connects us through time and through
space are our shared values the way we
want to make the world a little bit
better of a place so I found myself
feeling surprisingly detached from the
star because I realized that I didn’t
need it in my possession to be my
father’s daughter what an amazing gift
that is to feel that kind of connection
because of that profound loss so as I
stand here I ask all of you to consider
your own family stories especially the
ones that are painful
or maybe that you’ve been avoiding and
you need to shift your perspective of
those family stories to see yourself to
someone who has survived and thrived no
matter what this life has thrown at you
the narrative theorist Michael White and
David Epstein said that through the art
of storytelling we can create new
meaning in our lives and I couldn’t
agree more with that so once you’re able
to shift that perspective to see
yourself as the survivor then share your
story maybe not with a live TEDx
audience as I’ve so chosen to do don’t
we’ll make you do that but with somebody
that you know and trust maybe a friend a
family member a therapist your dog
I don’t care whoever really but this
time recast yourself as the hero of your
own story as someone that’s learned
valuable lessons and grown despite your
experiences because if you’re able to do
that you’re going to live a much
healthier and happier life with a much
much brighter future ahead thank you
you
I also teach classes in Human
Development and Family Studies here at
URI one of the coolest parts about both
of my jobs is that I get to hear a lot
of family stories family stories have
always intrigued me even when I was a
little kid because not only do they
connect us to our past into previous
generations they also anchor us in the
present and they even have the power to
shape our futures sometimes family
stories are warm and uplifting and
sometimes they can be painful and kind
of heartbreaking as a therapist I’m
always curious about how we perceive our
family stories because if we perceive
our family stories to be painful or
shameful or something to be avoided
altogether then it’s a burden that we
can take with us our whole lives it can
even affect our current relationships I
was teaching this very concept to a
group of my students a couple of years
ago and to illustrate my point I shared
one of my own family stories and when I
finished my students were like Liz you
have to do a TED talk about this which I
was like no no I don’t but of course you
know really it works a couple of weeks
ago one of my students from that very
class emailed me and she said TEDx is
coming and I really think you should do
it and I felt so honored that she even
remembered me at all but I thought well
maybe this is a little bit valuable
because we can all learn lessons from
family stories even when they aren’t our
own so here goes my family story begins
in 1981 when my parents met at a country
line dancing competition
check out these really awesome outfits
you guys my mom swears this was in style
I don’t believe her at all they had both
been married and divorced and had kids
of their own
but they very quickly fell in love my
father proposed to my mother on that
exact dance floor they met they got
married they had me and they created one
big giant complicated but pretty happy
blended family when I was two years old
my father was diagnosed with an
aggressive form of cancer
and it very quickly took his life so he
was gone before I really got the chance
to know him and as I was growing up I
was always so curious about him I
naturally wanted to hear stories and so
my family gave me stories they told me
stories about how he was a war hero
and how he was a police officer and a
pillar of our community they told me how
he valued education he went back to
school as a much older adult learner
which I always think is like the coolest
thing and he even built our house with
his own two hands and like who does that
you know but my favorite stories were
always about his personality they told
me about how he was really funny he’s to
play pranks on us how he was really warm
and loving and kind and how he was able
to kind of when he walked into a room he
was able to make everybody in that room
feel at ease and comfortable so my
father became this like giant of a man
in my mind somebody that I wanted to be
just like it was total hero worship but
even still at that young age I
understood that these were borrowed
stories they weren’t exactly my direct
relationship for experiences with my
father and that was always just a little
bit painful for me because I understood
that I wasn’t really connected to him
when I was 10 years old
I was rummaging around in our basement
looking for whatever 10 year olds look
for I don’t really know I came across
this really big box and inside the box I
found two things I found this old Warren
leather briefcase and I found this small
wooden chest inside the briefcase
I found these beautiful love letters
that my father wrote to my mother when
he was dying because again he wasn’t
perfect enough already
these awards that were signed by these
very important sounding government
officials but the real treasure was
inside that small wooden box when I
opened it I found my father’s service
medals and right away I zeroed in on one
in particular and it was his Bronze Star
this exact Bond star the Bronze Star was
awarded for heroic service in a combat
zone I didn’t know that when I was 10
but what I did know was that when I held
the star in my
I felt more connected to my father than
I ever had in my entire life and I
imagined that he had also held the star
in his own hand at some point and so it
connected us through time and through
space so this very quickly became my
most prized possession and not long
after I found that star I had had this
really bad day at school and when I got
home I ran into my room I slammed the
door shut I grabbed that star and then I
threw myself as dramatically as possible
in my bed 10-year olds are prone to – I
could just kind of let the tears kind of
come and at some point I looked down at
that star in my hand and it prompted me
to ask myself two things what would my
father say and what would make my father
proud and it helped me to feel I don’t
know a little bit better a little bit
calmer a little bit stronger if I’m
being totally honest with you
I felt like my dad was there with me in
the room which was a huge source of
comfort for me at that age so this
process repeated itself like a million
times as I was growing up especially as
an angsty teen ain’t in the 90s blasting
my Alanis Morissette I had Alanis I had
that star and so they both had my back
it was great but that star was there for
me for everything it was there for me
when I went through really dramatic
breakups with boyfriends and it was
there for me when I got into fights with
friends or family
it came with me to college and job
interviews grad school and more job
interviews it was always there for me
when I needed a little bit more strength
and comfort when I finished grad school
I had wanted nothing more than to get a
place of my own I’d live with college
roommates forever you guys know how that
goes right
eventually you just kind of want to do
the thing on your own so I got myself an
apartment in the city and I shared it
only with my dog Sierra I’m still alive
and enjoying her old age today and when
I got the apartment I got to decorate it
the way I want it to which was awesome
so I have this big bookcase and on the
bookcase I had a shelf on that shelf I
put my father’s pictures and his awards
and his service medals and it just
served this very warm focal point in my
home I totally loved living there
flash forward just a little bit it was
Memorial Day weekend of 2011 and I had
been out with some friends celebrating
and it was getting a little bit late so
I decided to pack it up and head home
and when I got home I walked through the
back door of my apartment and right away
I knew that there was something wrong
and it was that my dog Sierra hadn’t
come to greet me at the back door which
was weird so I got worried and I thought
maybe she’s sick or maybe she got stuck
in a room somewhere so I started to look
for her and I walked into the apartment
I got about halfway in and I started to
notice that the place was a mess and my
husband will tell you I am NOT the
neatest person in the world he says I
have a tendency to hoard our closets
with clothes and shoes and knickknacks I
say that’s what closets are for but he
doesn’t believe me but this looked like
a closet had been dumped on my living
room floor there were clothes everywhere
papers furniture was askew and I stood
there looking at it for a second kind of
puzzled thinking like my dog do this
that’s impressive I don’t know how she
did that until I realized that I had
been robbed and then the hair on the
back of my neck just stood up because I
knew I wasn’t alone in that apartment
and I wasn’t but thankfully almost
immediately after I had that thought I
heard the front door slam shut and I
realized whoever had just been in there
with me
I just left but I still stood there for
a moment totally frozen because that’s
what you do when you’re in this
traumatic scary situation right so I
stood there until I heard the sound off
to my right and I looked down and it was
Sierra and she was underneath the table
and she was shaking she was really
scared and I kind of knocked me out of
it so I knelt down I scooped her up with
one arm and I pulled my cellphone out of
my back pocket and I called the police
when I hung up with the police I was
still kneeling on the floor and I
happened to be in front of my bookcase
and I can remember vividly looking up
and my heart just collapsed and my
stomach kind of dropped
because all of my father’s service
medals including the Bronze Star were
gone they were stolen in the days that
followed I searched pawn shops and
craigslist ads to no avail and I started
to understand that I was probably never
going to see that bronze star again and
I was truly truly devastated by that I
understood that that star was so much of
my development it was the only
connection I had to my father so I was
completely heartbroken one night I found
myself sitting in my bed tears of my
eyes not very much I’m like I had done
all those years ago was a little kid
except this time I didn’t have the
Bronze Star in my hand but even still
some of those familiar thoughts began to
creep in thoughts like what would my
father say and what would make my father
proud which led me to thinking a little
bit more critically about the star what
did it really mean what did it really
represent and I came up with these two
overarching and kind of overlapping
categories on the one hand the star
directly represented my father who he
was as a man how he lived his life how
he loved and laughed so easily and on
the other hand I represented these more
intangible values things like integrity
and strength kindness and compassion and
the grit it takes to make it in this
increasingly fierce worlds and then I
kind of thought you know my father is
legacy it’s not bound to that star but
rather it’s bound to me and I know that
it’s bound to me because I can see it
every day I can see it in small acts of
kindness I might do I can see it in the
way I care incredibly deeply for my
students my clients I can see it in the
way I value teaching and learning
definitely there when I laugh with my
husband my friends my family and it is
most
certainly there when I feel that
profound parental love when I hold my
daughter these are the spaces where my
father really lives so what really
connects us through time and through
space are our shared values the way we
want to make the world a little bit
better of a place so I found myself
feeling surprisingly detached from the
star because I realized that I didn’t
need it in my possession to be my
father’s daughter what an amazing gift
that is to feel that kind of connection
because of that profound loss so as I
stand here I ask all of you to consider
your own family stories especially the
ones that are painful
or maybe that you’ve been avoiding and
you need to shift your perspective of
those family stories to see yourself to
someone who has survived and thrived no
matter what this life has thrown at you
the narrative theorist Michael White and
David Epstein said that through the art
of storytelling we can create new
meaning in our lives and I couldn’t
agree more with that so once you’re able
to shift that perspective to see
yourself as the survivor then share your
story maybe not with a live TEDx
audience as I’ve so chosen to do don’t
we’ll make you do that but with somebody
that you know and trust maybe a friend a
family member a therapist your dog
I don’t care whoever really but this
time recast yourself as the hero of your
own story as someone that’s learned
valuable lessons and grown despite your
experiences because if you’re able to do
that you’re going to live a much
healthier and happier life with a much
much brighter future ahead thank you
you
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