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The Other Side of Ego | Jonathan Gravenor | TEDxOcala


I don’t care if you live or die
I really don’t it’s a hell of a thing
hearing it from someone you barely know
but imagine hearing that from someone
you love On February 24 2012 I was
diagnosed with late stage throat cancer
that night I went home and sat at a
table with my daughter and my wife
trying to swallow the fear while telling
them about the procedures ahead that’s
when my daughter pushed her chair away
from the table and said I don’t care if
you live or die there was a lot of anger
a lot of yelling through closed doors
and that night as I tried to sleep it
kept me awake and I kept thinking why
can’t she see what I have given her what
I have done for her you see I was a
broadcast journalist at one time there’s
a television news anchor with a big show
I became a network reporter I became a
foreign correspondent we traveled around
the world we went from the cold prairie
provinces to the warmth of Sydney
Australia so I could cover Southeast
Asia in the South Pacific and I couldn’t
understand how she couldn’t see what I
gave her but as I lay there in the
arrogance of my beliefs I began to see
the truth and the truth was I couldn’t
remember the last time I had hugged her
and made her feel safe the last time I
had told her how proud I was of her or
the last time I had said I love you and
suddenly I realized that the cancer was
a lot deeper than my throat
a few days or a few weeks later I was in
hospital to undergo what doctors call a
radical neck dissection they took a
scalpel and cut me from the back of the
right ear all the way down to below my
Adam’s apple 12 inches long they had to
take out a golf ball sized tumor and as
I lay in recovery prank to a cot that I
did not believe in please be gone
the surgeon came in and told me that it
wasn’t and that I had to undergo a lot
of weeks of chemotherapy and radiation
so in this time that I knew I needed to
be close to people because I was more
scared than ever I decided to go to
chemotherapy and radiation alone and
deny my daughter and my wife the chance
to hear me say I am so scared please
come with me I was dying to be close but
pushing them away and dying anyways I’d
go to radiation each day and I couldn’t
come home just to face the four walls
closing in around me so I started to go
to downtown area so I could get lost in
the sea of humanity and hope that that
distraction would take me away from the
rampant thoughts inside of my head that
my demise was just around the corner it
is said when you are ready to learn that
the teacher will appear but I did not
know that that teacher was going to be a
homeless bum remember the first day I
saw him there he was scruffy sitting on
a piece of cardboard on a busy
intersection corner with his little dog
sitting by him and a big sign that said
help and when I first saw him the first
thing I thought was how dare you you
should be up with a job how dare you
you’re not more of a victim than me look
at me I’ve got cancer I could die I’ve
been with little kids in chemo they’re
victims not you over the next few days I
observed him as I would walk back and
forth trying to get lost and I never saw
him reach out and actually overtly beg
to anyone or be overly aggressive he
just seemed kind offering hellos and
greetings to people one day I’m walking
back down the road and I’m heading for
home and I would know I was on the same
side of the road as him and normally I
would cross to the other side so I
didn’t have to confront him or I guess
maybe confront my prejudice but today I
said no forget it I’m gonna go right by
him and as I started to walk by him that
little dog stood up came and stood in
front of me and then sat down and looked
at me at the friendly face
I reached down and I patted it and I
turned to him without thinking I opened
up and was friendly and I said what’s
his name he laughed at me and said well
he’s a she and her name’s Molly and she
doesn’t normally stop people unless they
need something what do you need yeah I
wish I was that kind of my thoughts it’s
the first thing I thought nice scam yeah
pull on the heartstrings make me feel
instead I said to him she must didn’t
known I needed a friendly dog to pet
today and I walked away and I was
confused I was confused about a lot of
stuff the next day after radiation I
knew I wanted to go back and either make
amends or do something or figure
something out and I wanted to give him
something but I wasn’t about to give him
money because we all know what it’s like
when you give a beggar money they’re
gonna spend it on drugs or alcohol I
stopped and picked up a sandwich and a
coffee some little biscuits for Molly
and as I got close he waved me over he
said come back to see Molly I see and I
was about to hand him the food and stuff
but he stuck out his hand to shake mine
and as he did he started a conversation
with me as if we had been mates for a
long time i sat with him and offered up
the sandwich and he said I’m not gonna
have this unless we share the Spanish
poets Aveda once wrote there are no
sorrows when we break bread and the
whore tetany sorrows that day we sat and
talked like two old buddies and for a
moment I forgot that I was sick after a
bit he reached into his bag and pulled
out a little bottle little pill bottle
and his hands were shaky and couldn’t
open them so I offered to him he handed
it to me and I looked and there was his
name Douglas and large it sill was a
medication which is used by people with
schizophrenia which I thought meant he
must be a psychotic serial killer
what it is it’s an internal jail people
get very little government help we
ignore them we stigmatize them and so I
turned him and said is this why you’re
begging and he looked at me and he said
what he said no I’m here raising money
to help the needy and he pointed at a
sign and there below the big help
I hadn’t even looked with the groups
that he was raising money for and
suddenly I realized it was not him that
was disabled it was me for the judgement
that I have had with him blinded me to
the truth of this man’s gracious intent
I saw him often after that remember one
day I was going up the street had this
cheeky little smile on his face and he
waved me over reached into his bag and
he pulled out a little box of chocolates
that I would ignore to some cheap treat
but I knew from him that this was a lot
of money’s so I reached around the box
and shook his hand and said thank you my
friend and he started to tear up and I
said Doug what’s wrong and he said I
don’t really have friends and I sure
don’t have important friends like you
I’d live my life try to be important
with TV cameras recognition and I never
felt more important my life than I did
right at that second because I was
important just simply because I was
giving him my presence he said to me
that or I said to him that I wouldn’t
take the chocolates unless we shared
like we always do so we sat and he
opened with great joy and as we sat I
looked at that see of people move by us
people with places to go and people to
see and things to do and people that I
used to think I was like people that
were looking down upon us like we were
less than them I wanted to be those
people for so long in my life to have
that view from above but now sitting
down below eating the best chocolates
I’d ever had my life I realized the best
viewers right here Sydney Australia does
get a little cool in the winter and it
was a winter day as I was walking to
town and I had a jacket on and as I came
upon Doug he put a
he’ll create upside-down and I sat on it
Molly came up and put her paws on my
knee so I picked her up and pulled her
into me and opened my jacket and for the
first time exposed this long scar which
was on my neck and Doug said what’s that
and I start to explained about the
cancer he said I know you’re gonna be
okay and I said yeah well I kind of feel
I am I’m going through radiation and
treatment and he grabbed my arm and I
turned to him and he said no you’re
gonna be okay
you have a lot more to do I have never
in my life been stumped for words but I
was that day so I did what we men do
when we are emotional and scared we’re
gonna cry in public I sniffle turn my
head and tried to swallow the tears he
was kind he did the same and we sat
there sniffling back and forth but I I
think sometimes the best things are said
when we don’t exchange words we just
exchange space eventually I had to get
up and leave and I didn’t want to say
goodbye so I said I’ll see you later and
he just waved smiled Molly got up and
barked for the first time I walked down
that Street that day and my eyes for
pouring out tears not because I was
fearful or angry it’s because I was
happy cuz for the first time in my life
or the first time since cancer I knew I
was gonna live and in the first time in
my life I felt I had a real purpose the
next day I had chemotherapy and what
chemotherapy has a way of wiping all
positivity out of you you’re slowly fed
vile poison the drips into your body to
make things worse that day there was a
little girl sitting across from me with
a nurse buyer she was combing the hair
on a mane of a toy horse
she had a scarf on to cover her bald
head her skin was gray and she had a
look a defeat god I didn’t want to look
at her didn’t want to look away you
there
then suddenly madness as I closed my
eyes and I remembered back to when I was
just a young boy that age and my best
friend Rob Austin who is a class clown
used to make faces so I turned her
I went that’s more of a reaction than I
got from her you know what little kids
can look like it they’re not quite sure
and think there’s something really
strange about you well that’s the look
she gave me the logical thing would have
been to turn away and pretend it didn’t
happen but that would take somebody
who’s smart and know we’re in this talk
if I said I’m smart so I did it again
this time I saw her stomach start to
roll a bit then it came up through her
chest and I was wondering was she gonna
be ill and vomit but she started to
laugh and the laughter of a young child
was contagious and I broke out laughter
the nurse started to laugh nurses
started coming from all the other rooms
and they started to laugh and I knew I
had to see Doug I had to sell him you’re
right I do have a lot more to do the
next day I went back downtown and there
he was gone he wasn’t there I didn’t
think much as hoping just an anomaly so
I went back day after day I went back
for weeks and he wasn’t there I started
asking store keepers had they seen him
and most would say we know what bums are
like they just moved to better spots I’d
phone agencies and they said they
couldn’t say anything because of privacy
laws and at night that time I had
reserved to think in my own head the
fears about my own demise I started
thinking about him and wondering had he
been mugged had he been hospitalized had
he been institutionalized and I started
think about Molly and she’d been put in
a shelter and was she about to be put
down I wanted to tell you about Doug and
give you whole sorts of great metaphors
on what it really meant to me and I was
gonna be part of a big transition in my
life and I wanted to tell you how great
that he had made me and then I realized
that day I hadn’t been prepared to tell
Doug the whole story you see in chemo
that day we had to turn our chairs away
from each other because every time we
looked at each other we were laughing
Kimo goes on and you don’t laugh it
kills you and Kimo made me emotional
I got teared up and I felt lousy but I
knew that I couldn’t leave that day
because I knew I was leaving before her
before I said something to her that was
gonna be so important that it would
rescue her so as I finished the chemo
that day I walked over and I squatted
down in front of her and I got her high
too high and I must’ve looked like hell
and I was shaking and I could feel sweat
coming out of my head I knew I was
trying to come up with great words and
as I did she looked at me and she tilted
her head with an empathetic look that
you would recognize from a parent not a
little child and then she reached out
with a free arm and placed her hand
against my cheek to comfort me I was a
child suddenly and I started to cry and
so she wiped the tears away from my face
he was the hardest thing walking out of
there that day as I look back she was
just there calling the Pony again a
couple of weeks later I was in chemo and
I saw her nurse so I mouths have you
seen her
how was she the nurse came and told me
that she had passed away God took the
wrong one that day
that dog sat in my heart a long time I
started to realize that I wasn’t so
scared of dying I had just been scared
my whole life of living I started to
realize that we can all die in just one
minute but we can all live a million
amazing moments filled with passion
filled with pain filled with love angst
anger anything we want and that I had
lived half a century avoiding any
negative emotion and trying to insulate
myself against the poor the needy the
desperate I tried to surround myself
with rich famous powerful people
thinking if I got to be with them then I
could live in this sort of benign
happiness and if I felt any guilt about
the wholeness that I could wait until I
made more than I needed to give them
some of what I had but here in my most
desperate moment two people I have spent
a lifetime avoiding a homeless man at a
little kid who I thought had so little
to give gave me so much I had a lot more
to do but that a lot more to do wasn’t
me saving other people that lot more to
do was me seeing other people me
receiving and in that giving them the
power to heal others it also started me
on a course of redemption in my life
with my daughter when I was asked to do
this talk I was honored and humbled and
I was scared that I wasn’t worthy
normally in the past out of a told a
million people boasted about it but I
didn’t tell anyone for weeks except I
called my wife Marina she cried on the
phone with me and then I called my
little girl she now lives halfway across
the country Galland her she’s going to
school or she’s she’s going to be a
early childhood education teacher and
damage she’s kind of
the best one cuz she’s really good she’s
got a heart so big and I told her same
little girl that told me she shouldn’t
care if I lived or died and she said to
me daddy I am so proud of you you’re
going to be really good daddy I love you
thank you
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