important terms one is feminism the
other is women’s empowerment so I stand
here as we near 2018 or 2018 and many
things are changing every single day
women are vulnerably standing up
standing out sharing our stories and
being heard so yes though the narrative
is changing and women are finally being
heard some narratives are not so though
we know the old adage that collectively
we all rise and rising tides lifts all
boats
still we are unconsciously disempowering
one another every single day and when I
say we I mean us I mean women women are
not always supportive of one another
that is not a new narrative I’ll share
with you a story
I was just two weeks ago in New York
City at an event that was put on by a
major fashion magazine and in that event
there were all women leaders that were
being highlighted I had the honor of
being in the second row and watching two
women on stage one was a veteran of the
film industry and the other was a
veteran of the fashion industry and they
were having an interview with one
another which was again super excited I
was in the audience all of these women
were surrounding me and we were so
anticipating what they were going to
share what wisdom was going to be
imparted upon us so the woman in the
film industry started to share her story
we were all held so closely like just
hanging on every word and then finally
they had a Q&A this is our time this is
the time the audience gets to stand up
and ask the important questions so mind
you this is a Women’s Leadership
Conference we are here to lead and to
learn the tools to lead better brighter
more boldly so the woman in the audience
stands up cinch and she says please can
you tell us clearly you’re so successful
you’ve spent 50 years in film tell us
how
your female friendships have empowered
you to grow to get to where you are
today I thought that was a pretty made
sense to ask that question I see a lot
of nods right seems like a good question
so here’s what happened next she looked
directly at this woman in the eye and
she went they haven’t in fact I have
just as many if not more frenemies than
I do friends hey guys I will I for a
living work with women this broke my
heart
so then what precedes to happen as the
woman in fashion looks over at her
friend who she’s interviewing and she
said you know I got to tell you men are
better at this than women men just
bombed better women it’s not our thing
and I get it I mean you know it’s been
hard one for us we can’t just go giving
it away mortified because this is the
narrative that we are constantly sharing
this is the narrative that the world
hears about women we are catty
we are unkind we are not helpful and we
don’t support one another we are
constantly asking of other women that we
stay in our own lanes and it’s not
something that any of us want to admit
to no of course not because we’re
ashamed of that so a little bit about
what I do is build communities for a
living to in particular one is
empowering women to build bold
businesses and the other empowering
women to build bold conversations
because they truly believe that if we
are not able to be vulnerable and share
our truths we will never get to the
other side of where we are so clearly
hearing this conversation and sharing
this narrative that by the way is not an
untrue narrative was mortifying because
it’s continuing to share this out this
video has since gone viral of this
interview that is the story that we are
telling about women and partially it’s
true but it’s not the whole story the
whole story starts with a before and
moves forward into how we shift from
here so I’ll talk a little bit about how
we got to this magical space of where
paradigm in the narrative has really
shifted to women not caring about other
women because if we don’t know this we
can’t move forward one culturally this
is how we were raised in this country
women or boys rather and girls are
raised differently so think about when
little boys are young we teach our sons
to play sports whether it be basketball
or football they know that there will be
a winner and there will be a loser and
no matter what you will shake hands at
the end of that game so we are teaching
our sons competence and confidence and
the ability to compete with somebody
else and hopefully lose or win and still
feel okay about yourself
we’re teaching them to lead at very
young ages also we take our sons to the
beach and we put them in their tiny
little speedos or perhaps it’s their
short shorts what are the kids wear to
the beaches these days
but little boys are able to show up
whether it be at a pool or at a beach
and they show up and they show out and
they are confident and happy and they
run and they roam and they are allowed
to experience childhood and all of their
self in their full self in contrast our
little girls we teach our daughters to
be nice we teach them to be kind we
teach them that somebody doesn’t have to
lose or win it’s okay it’s all good just
be nice and so what happens is that our
daughters grow up and they can see that
there is a difference between the
qualities that are expected or the
traits rather that are expected of them
versus their little brothers there let
little brothers are allowed to compete
their big brothers are allowed to lead
because no one’s telling them to be nice
no one’s acknowledging those traits for
them so our little girls are being
raised to understand that there is a
difference in expectation and that same
exact situation at the beach from I
don’t know maybe three months or so we
put our babies in bikinis or one-piece
bathing
and it all seems very cute when they’re
this big but again here’s what we’re
teaching little girls your brother he
can show up he doesn’t have to cover up
but you you should and so what that
message is sharing with our little girls
is shame because what’s appropriate for
their brothers their cousins their
friends is not appropriate for them and
that shame manifests and adult women so
how many of you for example have ever
seen an adult woman breastfeeding I mean
obviously an adult woman breastfeeding
yeah a lot of us how many of you have
experienced a woman breastfeeding her
baby that has her babies smothered under
a blanket yeah
because here’s what happens we’d rather
cover our baby up than to have you see a
boob because we’ve grown up in a culture
where that is not acceptable that is the
shame that goes from childhood into
adulthood and that’s what I’m referring
to and I say this is how we’re raised so
boys and girls are not raised the same
in this country
second unconscious gender bias is real
and all that means is that we have
expectations of someone based on their
bias so we are for example expecting
girls or women to be nice and we’re
expecting men to be direct and to lead
us to show us the way there was an
incredible interview that I watched with
Sheryl Sandberg and Oprah Winfrey and
Sheryl Sandberg said you know women are
still referred to or women are still
expecting other women to be to rather be
nice we expect women to be nice even now
I stand on this stage as a feminist and
I still expect a woman to be nice here’s
what could happen here’s a great example
if a man walked into a room and said hey
I’ll need this by four o’clock we might
go okay yeah sure at 4 o’clock if a
woman walked into the room and did the
exact same thing
she’s assertive she’s aggressive she’s
bitchy and she’s too direct because she
didn’t have small talk first she didn’t
ask me how my kids were doing she didn’t
ask how my husband
do you ever expect a man to walk into a
room and ask you how your kids are doing
no but even as women we expect that
behavior of other women so it’s no
surprise that we are in the place that
we’re in today and then there’s the tall
poppy syndrome the tall poppy syndrome
is envy based the tall poppy syndrome is
not something that we refer to a lot in
the US but it’s talked about a lot more
in Australia and it’s the idea that tall
poppies or poppies that are in a field
are meant to grow at about the same
height and when one grows too high it
gets chopped down so this is I love the
audience going yeah yeah so this is what
we do to women and women we do this to
other women when women get a little bit
too successful it makes us uncomfortable
when they ask for a little bit too much
and actually get it we don’t like that
either so again these are not qualities
or traits that we want to show off for
the world because there’s a lot of shame
behind them this tall poppy syndrome
stems from envy it stems from jealousy
remember we’re nice nice people aren’t
jealous nice people aren’t envious so no
we don’t want to admit to this and then
there’s the imposter complex so we’re
the tall poppy syndrome was envy based
the imposter complex is fear-based
the imposter complex as Tanya Geisler
refers to it where we are unable to
internalize our own successes so if any
of you question whether or not you’ve
experienced it it may sound something
like this hey you did a great job out
there and then you respond to go ah you
know it really could have been better
because I forgot this i forgot this and
i forgot that sound familiar
yeah here’s here’s a super example my
mom for thanksgiving made a six-course
meal six people six-course meal everyone
proceeded to tell her how amazing the
meal was she made 13 pies there’s only
four kids she made 13 pies as everyone
proceeded to tell her how amazing the
meal was do you know what her response
was
it wasn’t thank you it was this that
roast beef was dry kinda sounds silly
but it’s the truth that is the impostor
complex we are unable to internalize our
own successes and it stems from one
overwhelming feeling and that feeling is
fear fear that we are not enough we are
not good enough we are not as good as
someone else maybe and so that shows up
for us so we’ve talked about several
ways in which we’ve gotten here and none
of them are exceptionally beautiful but
they are in fact our truth so you see
women didn’t just wake up one day and
decide not to be nice to other women no
that’s not what happened
we were culturally in many ways taught
to show up the way we do today so this
we are in fact in our culture taught to
shun women I’ll share with you a story
as I said I sent her on the stage a
feminist with hot pink hair and pink
lipstick and high heels who works
specifically with women I attend a lot
of women’s events and I would like to
think that I know better I mean I know
how we got here so why would I show up
in the world in this way except I do and
I have and I’ve been guilty of every
single one of those last month I was at
one of those events that I swear I don’t
know how I get invited to these things
but I did and there was a line wrapped
around the block and I was on the VIP
list so I was inside and I was having
champagne with a girlfriend I don’t even
like champagne but I was having
champagne with a girlfriend and I I kid
you not I just turned to the left for a
second and I swear it looked like the
crowds parted ways PS there were 1500
women at this event the crowds parted
ways and this stunning woman walked
through she had on a one-piece outfit
and her thing was hanging out so I said
everything yeah so but here’s what
happened next I stood there I put my
champagne down on the table I put my
hands on
hips and I went mm-hmm now why would she
show up like that with everything
hanging out I run a business to empower
women but that was the thought that came
to mind for me and I caught myself and I
said Cindy this is not about that woman
so here’s what I did next I kept my
champagne down on the table for about
1.5 more seconds I picked it up and I
sauntered over to a floor mentioned
beautiful woman and I said hey beautiful
woman how did you get the courage to
show up in a room of 1,500 powerful
women dressed like that
we spent I love this it feels like
church thank you for that we spent the
next half an hour in a conversation that
ended in laughter and in tears and what
that taught me was this there’s an
amazing quote by brené Brown in her
newest book and she says we cannot hate
people close up she was right
because the second I walked over to this
woman and had a conversation she was me
and we can laugh and we can cry and we
can share one another’s truths and so
we’ve got to be willing to move in to
lean in and to have those conversations
more honestly so you may be wondering
where do we go from here how do we go
from sharing the narrative where we all
hate each other and we’re only
pretending to uplift each other to one
in which we actually do it’s not that
hard and there are four R’s to remember
first recognize and acknowledge how you
feel and that these feelings are not
about the other woman so the next time a
beautiful woman walks into the room just
honor that recognize like oh yeah I
checked her out definitely checked her
out
and I and I’m thinking the things that
I’m thinking definitely thinking those
things but equally acknowledge that it’s
not about her because she didn’t
actually do anything she just showed up
being awesome the way we all should
second redirect those feelings towards
empathy toward grace and curiosity and
what I mean when I say that is redirect
those feelings toward ourselves so
rather than feeling shame around the way
that we feel when a beautiful woman or a
successful woman walks in the room show
ourselves grace show ourselves empathy
be curious have the conversation and
explore however do take responsibility
and accountability for your fears
because when we acknowledge what is true
for us it gives the power back because
fear can no longer take hold of us the
third are reach out and build conscious
community as long as we as women
continue to see ourselves as other we
will never come together we can never
truly empower other women so we must
change this narrative because when we do
come together we change history
insert women’s March history-making
January 21st 2017 yeah give a high five
to the women’s March I am not mad at
them we were there fourth are actually
this is a great quote it says there’s a
quiet transformation happening that is
moving us from turning on each other
instead turning toward each other
Piper nee Brown and that’s what I mean
by build conscious community finally
reflect and live your deepest values in
your why because when you give yourself
permission to show up in the world for
everything that you are and boldly stand
up and tell your truth you are
empowering one another to do the same as
women we are permission givers for one
another and we have got to take that
role seriously so recognize redirect
reach out and reflect
we must first get to know ourselves and
hold a mirror up to our relationships
with other women before we can move
forward your courage your empathy and
your grace our permission giving and
more so they are visionary for everyone
around you and it is only via these
behaviors that we can truly and collectively rise thank you