long upright stiff leaves and it has
sharp edges around it if you come too
close to it it can snag your clothes or
even sting your finger it’s called a
mother-in-law’s Donna jokes about the
mother-in-law abound in all cultures
perhaps to offer comic relief in a
relationship that can get pretty tense
and tenuous trouble started brewing in
my relationship with my mother-in-law
the very first day she visited us during
her first visit to California we’d had
dinner we were getting ready to go to
bed she looked at my husband and then
kind of glared at me and said no one
irons my son’s night suit without
missing a beat I said we were waiting
the next morning brought another
surprise my husband was bringing tea to
my bedroom and she accosted him when
have you started having tea he said I
don’t have tea mama so who is this for
he said this is for Jessie oh I heard uh
sir can I make you a cup of tea my
husband asked no I will make my own tea
and for your dad as well I heard the
conversation I simmered
as I had the tea the cold war had begun
the worst point of a relationship came
during my brother-in-law’s wedding she
summoned us to her room to dole out
gifts that the bride had brought this
sari is for you Jessie this sword is for
you Roger and this chain is for me I
said mama what are we giving to the
bride’s parents nothing
gifts are only for those
by experience don’t you know I said you
know mom we’re not going to accept any
part of dowry she looked at my husband
expecting him to reprimand his errant
wife he walked closer to me and said yes
mom we’re not accepting anything that’s
part of a dowry I tried to explain to
her that this was against my principles
Oh only you and your parents have
principles keep my parents out of it I
said and stormed out the walls were
firmly down mama was not a bad person
she was just different from me she was a
product of her generation just as I was
as the mother of an IIT gold medalist
she felt very entitled she was
traditional she had waited hand and foot
not just on her husband
but on their family the entire family
she expected me to do that I was not
traditional she was the queen of the
kitchen I was focused on my career
she was fastidious and meticulous I was
carefree and often careless she knit
picked on me every day nothing that I
did in the kitchen was good enough I
resented it every night when my husband
came home he heard a barrage of
complaints he defended her it enraged me
one day I heard him defending me to her
and she was enraged poor guy was getting
it from both sides so during these years
my only joy came from my little boy who
was growing up and one day we were
following our bedtime routine our
prayers and he said to me Mommy let’s
play how much do I love your game and I
said okay and I said to him I love you
as big as the sky and he said I love you
as many stars as there are
the sky I said to him I love you as deep
as the oceans of the world and he said I
love you as many fishes there are in the
ocean and I said look go to sleep I’m
tired I love you more than anyone else
in the world he went to sleep the next
morning he stomped into my room and says
you lied I said what did I lie about you
said you love me more than anyone else
in the world you lied I said how come he
said no one can love anyone more than
their mom
you lied I said you know that’s not true
every love is important but you never
talk about your mom my mom had passed
away a few years ago do you not miss her
I said I do what tell me about Nana ma I
said well Nana ma was beautiful she was
graceful she was generous she was the
most amazing person I knew but mommy you
are describing yourself I’m like oh my
watcher I hugged him and then he said
mom do you know dad also things of the
edema just like that I paused while I
was hugging him don’t see anything mean
about the idea to him it must hurt him
so much if anyone says anything bad
about you to me I would never talk to
them it was like a bolt of lightning
struck me something had to change
I tend to know what my friends used to
call me a ray of sunshine during my
mother-in-law’s visit I would become a
dark ominous cloud ready to explode and
thunder when I had started my career in
us I was doing a lot of cold calling and
my Thomas had said to me Jessie if you
don’t like what you are doing fake it
fake it till you make it
I remember that line fake it till you
make it
I decided I’m going to fake that I love
mama I started a daily mantra
I love ma ma the first time I said that
the words almost choked me it was fake
but I persisted every day they had gone
back to India and I got a call from her
and my husband said mom wants to talk to
you I’m like and he goes take the phone
I remembered the mantra I love mama I
picked up the phone I said hello
exuberant voice hello every day I’m like
yeah you know what I was in Chandigarh
and I found these beautiful emerald
earrings I picked them up I thought my
daughter would look very beautiful in
them the phone almost fell from my hands
the power of positive thinking the
higher vibration of loving words was it
the miracle of intention what was it
well if you think it changed everything
not so fast when they came back things
were beginning to get bad and I decided
don’t this is not happening
my intention to make things better was
strong
I started complimenting mama on the good
traits that she had and there were
plenty she was way ahead of her
generation she was a fabulous cook she
was a great mother she had raised an
amazing son who I married I started
telling her how much I admired the
things I really admired at first she was
a little taken aback and slowly she
started complimenting me back I told her
that I would love to learn cooking from
her she was
very pleased that finally this errant
woman is finding her ways but she was
gentle about it
her nitpicking dropped her loud shrill
voice softened one day when we were on
the brink of an argument my husband
tried to intervene a pain and this is
what mama says no gorgeo stop this is
between me and my daughter I was very
surprised and quite pleased it’s not
that we didn’t have our differences but
we stopped making my husband the referee
we sorted them out and slowly something
akin to love started flowing between us
one day we had some people over for a
barbecue and I knew that my husband was
tired he had been cooking for a long
time and I started clearing the dishes
she called out to me Ronnie come and sit
with me let him do the dishes
I’m like mom you’ve come a long ways she
says it’s all right everybody should
help I gave her a hug
I was sitting with her a few days later
and she held my hand and said I have two
sons I always longed for a daughter I
have found one in you and then very
quickly let me go and boil the milk for
paneer she was very self-conscious about
praising someone to their face so she
walked away but she had said her sweet
words the last few months of her life
have left very poignant memories in my
heart
mama was diagnosed with lymphoma she was
hospitalized going through radiation and
chemo my husband would look after her
medical means I would visit her every
day she would welcome me with arms like
this my daughter has gone
I would brush her hair that was falling
in great glamour I would massage her
legs her chapped feet I would go on her
head
and hold the mirror to her and say look
mama you look like Princess Lea with two
buns around the years because the hair
was so thin she would hug me and kiss me
when she passed away I felt that I’d
lost my mother all over again
now this was a challenging relationship
that two people solved what I discovered
was a secret sauce of how to manage
tough relationships your challenge may
come from a co-worker a boss a parent a
sibling but I think the principles are
the same number one the intention to
make things work we cannot take two
steps forward and two steps back we have
to remain consistent and persistent in
making things work number to replace
judgment with empathy so important to
put yourself in the others shoes and
last of all respect is the foundation of
all loving relationships and everybody wants to be loved and respected