one disclosure before I begin this talk
it’s intimate and personal so in order
to be able to share with you I’ve edited
some of the details in particular I’ve
changed the color I’ll discuss I
remember the first time I saw it that
rather ugly shade of yellow I was
sitting in my therapist office my tea
next to me to tactile pulsers and my
hands eyes closed my mind was immersed
in a memory a painful one a traumatic
one when I couldn’t think of without my
heart rate elevating my palms becoming
slick and hot with panic but then there
it was this odd color creeping into the
corners of it the yellow began to seep
into it pooling in and washing over
obstructing my memory when it came to
fruition I remember it looking something
like a putrid Instagram filter my eyes
flashed open I found my therapists face
next to me smiling at me and asking it
happens didn’t it my name is Samantha
Farley I am many things a public health
student a research assistant a sister an
avid cooker knitter and cocktail creator
but I’m also a survivor to date I’ve
endured four experiences of rape and
sexual assault but I’m not here to tell
you the stories of how it happens the
gory details the intrusive thoughts that
well under my mind and body under my
collarbone and diaphragm as I’m walking
to class lying in bed or petting my cat
too much of the current dialog
surrounding sexual assault dwells
heavily on the horror of the events and
the convoluted nonlinear path to
recovery is so often overlooked but
first let’s discuss the realities of
rape rape is a hideous thing I’m sure we
can all agree on that but it’s often a
confusing thing something that looks
nothing like what we’re taught before I
was raped for a freshman year I had
preconceived notions that I know many
share I envisioned this burly terrifying
man pinning his victim against a brick
wall in some dark alley so don’t get me
wrong that happens
I know survivors who have been violently
beaten
submission I know people who are still
haunted by their own screams and bruises
that never really seem to disappear but
for me rape has existed in this gray
area where it’s so easy to question
yourself I have experienced out I have
experienced victim blaming most of the
time that’s how rape is when it happens
your mind and body go into
fight-or-flight adrenaline and cortisol
commonly known as stress chemicals
surged through your body your eyes
widened pupils dilate hearing becomes
more acute simultaneously your amygdala
sends us an attack in signals your
brainstem to inhibit movement often
survivors like myself lie there
chemically paralyzed while memorizing
everything after rape comes the acute
phase shock doesn’t really describe it
it’s a numbness that takes you out of
your body as you listless Lee exists for
weeks after you float behind yourself
many survivors don’t really remember
this time or if they do it’s often a
blur for me I remember days of silence
unable to form words or sentences I
remember finding myself disassociated in
the middle of places that I couldn’t
remember getting to or in the middle of
activities that I just couldn’t remember
starting it’s the closest that I’ve felt
to insanity then outward adjustment you
try to feel normal I went to class work
yoga I tried desperately to remember who
I was
it’s as if rape takes this puzzle of you
carefully crafted your personality your
perception of the world what you believe
to be good and true and right and wrong
and throws it disconnecting it in midair
you’re left in human a shell of yourself
as you scrounge around your corners
searching for things that remind you of
who you are I can’t count how many days
I’ve missed how many hours of class I’ve
lost or intimate moments with those I
love it can turn your life black and
entirely unfamiliar but then comes
motivation what’s referred to as the
renewal phase there’s a moment for every
survivor in which they choose to keep
living to be resilient to fight against
this disease of fog and pain that has
infected them we choose to survive
and this is my story of resiliency about
a year ago I began an innovative form of
psychotherapy called eye movement
desensitization and reprocessing or for
short EMDR
developed in the late 80s by dr.
Francine Shapiro EMDR has served as a
beacon of hope for those plagued by
trauma and PTSD it’s been used on
everyone from victims of child abuse to
sexual trauma to combat veterans for
most who suffer from one traumatic
incident like a rape they can be
comprehensively treated in an average of
six sessions so EMDR is all about
processing memories through bilateral
stimulation of both sides of your brain
or exercising all parts of your mind to
work through trauma processing though
does not mean talking about it in fact
for most survivors discussing rape can
leave one frenzied and jumpy processing
means teaching your body and mind to
process through to digest trauma and
storm Emery’s away while discarding any
unproductive emotions beliefs or body
sensations so this is what EMG are tries
to help you do desensitize yourself to
trauma so this is me experiencing EMDR
my hair looks a little different to my
left
my therapist controls the varying speed
of the pulsers and my palms as we begin
we run through my safe spaces or mental
places I’ve designated to go to when
therapy becomes too much so as I sit in
my little hobbit hole a room adorned
with walls of books and blankets strewn
my cat Margo snug against my chest the
pulsations move very slowly from hand to
hands allowing me to calm down without
any distraction however as we delve into
darker territory the pulsations pick up
the idea is to distract you is wrong
trauma here rears its head so though
this photo seems static my neural
connections are frantic imagine Franklin
Street after a massive Blizzard the road
is covered with layers of ice and snow
leaving it deserted unusable to try to
travel down it would be dangerous or
life-threatening that’s how this string
of memories feels to me this neural
pathway it feels blocked and unavailable
and scary but through EMDR we plow
through the ice and snow
we begin by tracing trauma back to its
root the first time I felt out of
control or alone or isolated the
beginning of the road and from then we
forged through it
clearing layers of winter weather to the
memory in question the heart of the
trauma the rape the battle scene so you
may be wondering where does color come
into this it’s a strange and unexplained
by-product it’s a part of the nebulous
nature of EMDR we’re not really sure how
or why this works to date our
understanding of the way neural pathways
work and the ways memories are
associated with one another is just not
sophisticated enough in fact nowhere in
the prevailing scientific literature as
color even mentions but from what I’ve
gathered from my own experiences as well
as through conversations with others who
have undergone this therapy eerie things
happen as your brain processes for some
memories become gray and pixelated for
others they flush with pale pinks and
blues color for some is pivotal the
enigmatic piece that makes all the
difference it’s somewhat revolutionary
which brings me back to yellow in the
moment when it flooded into my brain
like ink and water it sounds magical and
it was to gain momentary agency to watch
my memories dim and soften distance me
from the horror of it but there’s always
a but unfortunately EMDR is not for the
faint of heart the process can become
grueling ly repetitive imagine reliving
your worst memories over and over again
being forced to focus on the physical
and mental reactions that they produce
traveling down a neural pathway clogged
with PTSD can produce a gamut of painful
sensations what’s called emotional
dysregulation it can cause some to incur
repressed memories or parts of promise
previously hidden away I have never felt
so exhausted I survived two weeks of it
a feeling like my breath was being
knocked out of me over and over again
when I realized that I had to stop I
felt like I’d failed though I continued
to go to therapy afterwards I felt
defeated by it by my rapists my trauma
my abusive partners
but now we can say with a year of time
and space away from it
I am so grateful for EMDR it taught me
many things that healing is not linear
but there’s no magic here to completely
wash trauma away but most importantly it
taught me the key to pulling myself out
of the pain the trauma produces is
situated in the small things it taught
me to relish in every color or friend or
little moment that provides insulation a
reprieve resiliency is a fight a
conscious decision you make to rise up
against every day that drains you or
every time you feel alone or scared or
exhausted beyond belief I want to tell
other survivors but this is livable this
is survivable and resiliency is all
around you in the moments you inhabit
but you must search for them these
seconds can compound into the
realization that you more than anyone
else are capable of healing yourself and
that is so easy to forget push yourself
to try little things take walks find the
right medication talk to a therapist
nits or get a cat but if anything else
find beautiful spaces inside of your
mind’s in the world and with other
survivors to seek refuge from trauma to
re-energize and to build yourself up to
everyone else the UN declaration on the
elimination of violence against women
estimates that globally 35% of women
will experience physical and/or sexual
violence in our lifetime and that does
not even take into account the male and
queer identifying survivors stop shying
away from this issue stop saying that
you don’t know what to say in 2018 that
is no longer acceptable if if we have
learned anything from the current
climate of speaking out in the me2
movement its that hardly anyone has been
left untouched by this that trauma and
violence have been made commonplace and
that we have allowed ourselves to become
desensitized to it just accepting it as
the way things are be receptive to these
difficult conversations and learn from
survivors who honor you by sharing their
stories but don’t let their sharing go
to waste do something with it
boycott passive institutions vote out
perpetrators and
speak out against those who abuse and if
anything be willing to be vulnerable
yourself if you don’t know what to do
ask a survivor how you can help and
support them
everyone must invest in this fight
against violence an action is simply the
only way forward thank you [Applause]