[Music]
we are here to talk about Love Actually
our ongoing journey to discover what
love is as a psychotherapist we have
been studying about relationship and
relating for several years now and we
are fascinated and curious to understand
why we humans who are born and hardwired
to connect we find it one of the most
challenged things to do and there’s a
married couple and parents ourselves
working with other couples and
individuals in our seminars we ourselves
find the challenge of walking the talk
to discover ourselves through the mirror
of relating with each other it’s many
times not easy to accept and deal with
what is reflected today the research
shows us that 50% of relationships end
in divorce or separation which doesn’t
include the people living in loveless
contact and staying together because
they don’t know any other options now we
want to thought how really to develop a
healthy relationship and we didn’t
receive most of us a good role model for
intimacy so in our experience we feel
that to move from an immature love to a
mature love we need understandings and
tools and if we want to contribute to a
better world we need to understand and
be aware that the war that are happening
in the planet today actually it starts
here in our own way of treating each
other it starts in our own home so here
it is what we have been discovered that
we would like to share with you this is
a woman that I love more than any other
person on the planet she inspires the
best of me as a man and at the same time
she can provoke the worst parts of
myself and why is that why is it that
when we come together with somebody we
can only see their qualities in the
beginning and after some time we
recognize that it’s not so easy the
challenges the difficulties come to the
surface in a heartbeat and if you would
ask me most probably I would say the
same thing right
so how come that in certain moment we
even look into each other we feel like
but this is not the same person that I
sign up to relate with what happens with
that very sweet
patient person that in the beginning was
so available to be together when I
wanted to and actually giving me lots of
space and understanding when I want to
have my own space do you know what we
here is what we would like to show you
which is a tool that has been working
for us
has changed our way of relate with each
one of the dynamics that plays out in
relationship that we believe that is
very common is what we call freedom
versus intimacy and what is that it’s
basically when one curse on it starts to
wanting more from the other and it
starts to the main in few righteous to
receive it from the other so I want more
connection I want more time together I
want more we time and the other starts
demanding the opposite I want more space
I want more expression of my
individuality I want more time to focus
on my work
have more time with my friends have more
time for me instead of we what do you
mean more time for me instead of we
you’re going to start this again what do
you what do you mean again look we’re
giving a TED talk here in front of all
these people let’s please let’s not go
there right now know what I want you to
understand that we in me is equally
important so the way your tone of voice
right now it’s a little bit like that me
is more important than we and we means
time together it’s more of you time
together you want more time together we
just spent the whole day yesterday
shopping for the house but this is just
practicalities this is not time together
I want more of you can you understand
that
you know more time to discuss our
relationship and more time to you know
attune together
look you know Wow my agenda is oh wow so
many emails you know I have so much to
do I like a hundred things to do before
Friday I just I don’t believe it you get
your phone when I say that I wanted more
time together and in front of everybody
you get your phone this is this is
really off you’re wrong in this I have a
point in I’m right
oh come on come on let’s let’s let’s
take it easy here let’s take it is this
not we don’t really have a problem here
no I think you need to see it to work
with your issues that is ridiculous I
don’t need to see a therapist come on
did I yeah so you know I think I got the
yeah the understanding here I need my
own time I need to go after this
tripping Guttenberg I go into my Orca
with my girlfriends and I’m gonna do
time for myself this is what I need
yeah okay okay wait take it easy take it
easy
so maybe okay I get I have two hours I
think I can spare maybe tonight after
this talk maybe we could spend the
evening together a couple hours you know
I have so much to do before Friday so
you can imagine where this is going know
where we start to create a war from our
different viewpoints and when these two
start to polarize it can create a
downward negative spiral of endless
misunderstandings in a very strong pain
of separation and what is the shift here
I started to talk before about what we
call the center point and then it’s just
a metaphor to explain a place inside of
us where when we are connected we feel
relaxed we feel that love is flowing
it’s a state of self contentment we all
have that we all share that space it’s a
mature state of consciousness that is
always there actually but why is it that
we can’t stay in that space all the time
what happens that takes us out of our
center point when we get triggered our
emotional needs our emotional unmet
needs really that get come to the
surface they really get activated
because it’s certain moment we’ve all
experienced pain in our lives we’ve all
gotten hurt along the way
or maybe neglected in our upbringing or
in past relationships
so these sensitivities inside us they
literally get they come to the surface
and they cover this center point and as
an intelligence strategy to deal with
the pain in the feelings that that
brings up inside us it’s certain point
we need to develop strategies in order
to survive it’s as simple as that can
recall that as protections and what is
protections is everything that I do in
order to not feel this layer of
vulnerability and then we become
reactive we become defensive we started
to actually look for the order to blame
the outer circumstances we become
righteous and we do many things in order
to redraw and all the negativity starts
to pour
all of us just as a way to protect and
the way back to the center point it’s
actually first of all to recognize when
I’m triggered because if I see that I’m
triggered I’m reacting I am in my
protection and if I sense that I can
start to inquiry
what is the vulnerability behind of that
because if I’m protecting and protecting
something that is sensitive and from
there I can sense the unmet needs and
when I touch that and I allow myself to
feel that and then I can come to my
partner and started to share from that
space that makes a whole difference
because then I’m out of the blame game
and I started to establish empathy and
which creates connection so we are all
designed to respond positively when I
really feel the vulnerability of the
order it’s an alchemy effect that
happens of empathy from empathy and to
share with you a little bit more
personally seven months ago our most
beloved son was born and it has changed
things in so intensely in our lives on
such a deep level and it has taken
everything that we have talked about
here with you two levels of WoW which I
think that only people who have really
gone through it can understand and it
has touched feelings inside me as much
as I appreciate the the love further for
that being that has come through us it
has touched you irrational feelings in
myself a feeling abandoned of feeling
that I lose my woman
that I miss her in our work together as
we worked together for a long time and
there I am by myself
and having to face my fears of not
getting my own needs met and and that
the protection layers that come inside
me that strong desire to withdraw and to
move into moodiness and not share myself
what’s going on it takes all the courage
that I have and then when I can come to
her I recognize I’m in my protection and
I can say to you and share myself and I
also can recognize Weis way us men have
avoided and moved into just occupying
ourselves with work or maybe having an
affair to act out from not being able to
feel ourselves and to really come and
say I miss you I miss our connection I
miss our intimacy I need time to inning
the other hand for me I have been
experienced such so many different
emotions of becoming a mother and in
this moment it feels the opposite I feel
like that I want to have more time and
space to let the motherhood to unfold
through me so it’s very easy to go to my
protections and he started to blame him
being righteous that he should
understand where I am lack of sleep and
all the hormones fluctuated inside of my
body right so all the shoots inside of
my head this has to be confronted that I
should be a perfect mother that I should
be keeping on my career with my partner
and then a housekeeper you know what I’m
talking about here and on top of it the
sexy lover so it’s a lot so when I
really allow myself to come from the
moon about hey later and I started to
really feel myself what is sitting
behind of that point to the outside and
then I can really breathe there it’s
firing but somehow I can understand that
I’m not wrong to feel what I feel
my feelings are okay and when I say
smile Matt needs there and I come to
share with him
that changed the whole thing we can
start to connect again so this is what
we have discovered as a doorway to
transform our relationships and
therefore the world that we live in and
this is what we do we teach and inspire
people to know themselves in their
shadow and in their light to
respectively take full responsibility
for our reactions for our behaviors that
we can honor and take the courage to
share our feelings and our
vulnerabilities of being human that we
can validate the need inside every
single one of us for freedom and as well
as intimacy for us this is how we
contribute to a better world we see that
we can make a difference together thank you so much
we are here to talk about Love Actually
our ongoing journey to discover what
love is as a psychotherapist we have
been studying about relationship and
relating for several years now and we
are fascinated and curious to understand
why we humans who are born and hardwired
to connect we find it one of the most
challenged things to do and there’s a
married couple and parents ourselves
working with other couples and
individuals in our seminars we ourselves
find the challenge of walking the talk
to discover ourselves through the mirror
of relating with each other it’s many
times not easy to accept and deal with
what is reflected today the research
shows us that 50% of relationships end
in divorce or separation which doesn’t
include the people living in loveless
contact and staying together because
they don’t know any other options now we
want to thought how really to develop a
healthy relationship and we didn’t
receive most of us a good role model for
intimacy so in our experience we feel
that to move from an immature love to a
mature love we need understandings and
tools and if we want to contribute to a
better world we need to understand and
be aware that the war that are happening
in the planet today actually it starts
here in our own way of treating each
other it starts in our own home so here
it is what we have been discovered that
we would like to share with you this is
a woman that I love more than any other
person on the planet she inspires the
best of me as a man and at the same time
she can provoke the worst parts of
myself and why is that why is it that
when we come together with somebody we
can only see their qualities in the
beginning and after some time we
recognize that it’s not so easy the
challenges the difficulties come to the
surface in a heartbeat and if you would
ask me most probably I would say the
same thing right
so how come that in certain moment we
even look into each other we feel like
but this is not the same person that I
sign up to relate with what happens with
that very sweet
patient person that in the beginning was
so available to be together when I
wanted to and actually giving me lots of
space and understanding when I want to
have my own space do you know what we
here is what we would like to show you
which is a tool that has been working
for us
has changed our way of relate with each
one of the dynamics that plays out in
relationship that we believe that is
very common is what we call freedom
versus intimacy and what is that it’s
basically when one curse on it starts to
wanting more from the other and it
starts to the main in few righteous to
receive it from the other so I want more
connection I want more time together I
want more we time and the other starts
demanding the opposite I want more space
I want more expression of my
individuality I want more time to focus
on my work
have more time with my friends have more
time for me instead of we what do you
mean more time for me instead of we
you’re going to start this again what do
you what do you mean again look we’re
giving a TED talk here in front of all
these people let’s please let’s not go
there right now know what I want you to
understand that we in me is equally
important so the way your tone of voice
right now it’s a little bit like that me
is more important than we and we means
time together it’s more of you time
together you want more time together we
just spent the whole day yesterday
shopping for the house but this is just
practicalities this is not time together
I want more of you can you understand
that
you know more time to discuss our
relationship and more time to you know
attune together
look you know Wow my agenda is oh wow so
many emails you know I have so much to
do I like a hundred things to do before
Friday I just I don’t believe it you get
your phone when I say that I wanted more
time together and in front of everybody
you get your phone this is this is
really off you’re wrong in this I have a
point in I’m right
oh come on come on let’s let’s let’s
take it easy here let’s take it is this
not we don’t really have a problem here
no I think you need to see it to work
with your issues that is ridiculous I
don’t need to see a therapist come on
did I yeah so you know I think I got the
yeah the understanding here I need my
own time I need to go after this
tripping Guttenberg I go into my Orca
with my girlfriends and I’m gonna do
time for myself this is what I need
yeah okay okay wait take it easy take it
easy
so maybe okay I get I have two hours I
think I can spare maybe tonight after
this talk maybe we could spend the
evening together a couple hours you know
I have so much to do before Friday so
you can imagine where this is going know
where we start to create a war from our
different viewpoints and when these two
start to polarize it can create a
downward negative spiral of endless
misunderstandings in a very strong pain
of separation and what is the shift here
I started to talk before about what we
call the center point and then it’s just
a metaphor to explain a place inside of
us where when we are connected we feel
relaxed we feel that love is flowing
it’s a state of self contentment we all
have that we all share that space it’s a
mature state of consciousness that is
always there actually but why is it that
we can’t stay in that space all the time
what happens that takes us out of our
center point when we get triggered our
emotional needs our emotional unmet
needs really that get come to the
surface they really get activated
because it’s certain moment we’ve all
experienced pain in our lives we’ve all
gotten hurt along the way
or maybe neglected in our upbringing or
in past relationships
so these sensitivities inside us they
literally get they come to the surface
and they cover this center point and as
an intelligence strategy to deal with
the pain in the feelings that that
brings up inside us it’s certain point
we need to develop strategies in order
to survive it’s as simple as that can
recall that as protections and what is
protections is everything that I do in
order to not feel this layer of
vulnerability and then we become
reactive we become defensive we started
to actually look for the order to blame
the outer circumstances we become
righteous and we do many things in order
to redraw and all the negativity starts
to pour
all of us just as a way to protect and
the way back to the center point it’s
actually first of all to recognize when
I’m triggered because if I see that I’m
triggered I’m reacting I am in my
protection and if I sense that I can
start to inquiry
what is the vulnerability behind of that
because if I’m protecting and protecting
something that is sensitive and from
there I can sense the unmet needs and
when I touch that and I allow myself to
feel that and then I can come to my
partner and started to share from that
space that makes a whole difference
because then I’m out of the blame game
and I started to establish empathy and
which creates connection so we are all
designed to respond positively when I
really feel the vulnerability of the
order it’s an alchemy effect that
happens of empathy from empathy and to
share with you a little bit more
personally seven months ago our most
beloved son was born and it has changed
things in so intensely in our lives on
such a deep level and it has taken
everything that we have talked about
here with you two levels of WoW which I
think that only people who have really
gone through it can understand and it
has touched feelings inside me as much
as I appreciate the the love further for
that being that has come through us it
has touched you irrational feelings in
myself a feeling abandoned of feeling
that I lose my woman
that I miss her in our work together as
we worked together for a long time and
there I am by myself
and having to face my fears of not
getting my own needs met and and that
the protection layers that come inside
me that strong desire to withdraw and to
move into moodiness and not share myself
what’s going on it takes all the courage
that I have and then when I can come to
her I recognize I’m in my protection and
I can say to you and share myself and I
also can recognize Weis way us men have
avoided and moved into just occupying
ourselves with work or maybe having an
affair to act out from not being able to
feel ourselves and to really come and
say I miss you I miss our connection I
miss our intimacy I need time to inning
the other hand for me I have been
experienced such so many different
emotions of becoming a mother and in
this moment it feels the opposite I feel
like that I want to have more time and
space to let the motherhood to unfold
through me so it’s very easy to go to my
protections and he started to blame him
being righteous that he should
understand where I am lack of sleep and
all the hormones fluctuated inside of my
body right so all the shoots inside of
my head this has to be confronted that I
should be a perfect mother that I should
be keeping on my career with my partner
and then a housekeeper you know what I’m
talking about here and on top of it the
sexy lover so it’s a lot so when I
really allow myself to come from the
moon about hey later and I started to
really feel myself what is sitting
behind of that point to the outside and
then I can really breathe there it’s
firing but somehow I can understand that
I’m not wrong to feel what I feel
my feelings are okay and when I say
smile Matt needs there and I come to
share with him
that changed the whole thing we can
start to connect again so this is what
we have discovered as a doorway to
transform our relationships and
therefore the world that we live in and
this is what we do we teach and inspire
people to know themselves in their
shadow and in their light to
respectively take full responsibility
for our reactions for our behaviors that
we can honor and take the courage to
share our feelings and our
vulnerabilities of being human that we
can validate the need inside every
single one of us for freedom and as well
as intimacy for us this is how we
contribute to a better world we see that
we can make a difference together thank you so much
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