perfect I mean we all have a therapist
I’ve inherited anxiety so and by perfect
I mean sometimes we smile when we are
not okay and by perfect I mean sometimes
we struggle alone have you ever been
surrounded by people yet still felt
alone because the pressure to be someone
is overwhelming us to isolation and
isolation is overwhelming a stint
anxiety – depression addictions and
self-harm what if we could make it safe
I believe there’s a fresh definition of
laughter that can connect us and it’s
something called shared laughter it
makes it safe to be human shared
laughter is about sharing your flaws
your fears your failure and your effort
it’s about that release that we
experience when we realize that we are
not alone if I can do it you can do it
and if you can do it I can do it and we
have seen so many experience of this
honest stage today and really it’s just
about talking more about that time you
didn’t get the job that you wanted it’s
about that time that you know you put in
so much effort and things didn’t go
right or you fell down the stairs or
that time when you’re on your diet and
you celebrated cuz you ate a low-fat
salad and then an entire pan of brownies
with ice cream on the top of it yeah I
call that a snack sidin by the way
I love laughter so much because it’s a
way that we can honor people do you
realize laughter heals and strengthens
us when sometimes nothing else can we
can do this now I’m not telling you to
go tell jokes to your friends if they’re
checked out
what I am telling you to do is to help
them look up let’s help each other look
up and this is vitally important because
I think every family has something we
all have things that we don’t like to
talk about we hide things we hide things
like addiction mental illness or the
banana peel in our couch cushions it’s
this mindset that I don’t want people to
see my dishes because I don’t want
I’ve spent five hours cleaning before
and still use the word sorry for the
mess she realized that flawless and
staged feel so much safer than raw and
real there is no shared laughter
imperfection now I recently walked into
my 13 year old son’s room and I could
just smell the guinea pig cage the thing
is we don’t have a guinea pig and we
don’t like to talk about things like
this what would happen if we came
together and we talked more about these
things because we all have flaws we
should stop making each other feel bad
for having flaws now the first time I
decided I was gonna see her share
something real at a women’s event I had
a respected woman come up to me after
because instead of sharing accolades I
decided that I was going to tell them
that I once went four months without
mopping my kitchen floor thank you well
the thing is I had a respected woman
come up to me after and she caressed my
shoulder and she said Oh sweetie you
well if that’s the case there’s so many
other things I probably shouldn’t say
out loud like I accidentally walked into
the wrong bathroom I stay up until 2:00
believe at any given moment someone can
fall out of a window drown in the
bathtub or run with scissors
I’m always planning where the emergency
helicopter can land and it’s definitely
she realized shared laughter is a way to
honor people all our culture likes to
reward perfection and end results and
the trophy but we’re not talking about
the effort and everything that took to
get to that trophy I have a friend I
have she was recently at a high-end
party and she dished she dished herself
out this beautiful piece of cheesecake
and when she went to take a bite she
discovered it was brie you guys the
bitter cheese she ate the whole thing so
that’s what everyone thought that she
meant to do she didn’t even wash it down
with a cracker I feel so connected every
time I think of that
I don’t want you to experience shared
laughter for yourself is something I
like to do called an audience list
meaning the shared laughter comes from
you some of you might have seen me
asking around some of the craziest
things you’ve done with you when you’re
tired I’ve been asking you today and
Ivan gathering your responses I was like
you are tired you’re pretty you’re
pretty tired
I even had Nate come running down the
hall to catch me character I thought
something
get this hismus he forgot his name he
was working a graveyard shift just got a
new team was about to send an email he’s
like I wonder if my name is different
don’t you love it you guys you might be
tired
if you’ve ever said congratulations at a
Funeral comes can you just look to be
there you’ll be like congratulations I’m
sorry for your loss you know you’re
tired of have you ever taken the wrong
freeway exit you know you’re tired of
you put the milk and the pantry and the
cereal in the fridge or you’ve been
driving you don’t know where you’re
driving or your mix up your words that
all came from you now might suit two of
my favorite answers I love this fun you
know you’re tired when you put your PIN
it’s just a burrito you know you’re
tired when you wake up in the middle of
the night to change the baby’s diaper
early in the morning you discover the
baby’s wearing two diapers bottom one
still poopy this is shared laughter and
it matters and it matters so much and
this is why it took me eight years of a
research project to understand something
eight years to understand why this
matters so much because in the spring of
2008 I was involved in something called
the under-pressure project I wanted to
know the biggest struggles that students
were facing I wanted to know what those
were and more specifically what got them
through like what were their solutions
and so I got a pile of about 500 surveys
and it had the heart and soul of these
students they’re open-ended responses
and so I started looking for patterns I
just opened it up and I saw once they
said my biggest pressure it’s it’s peer
pressure so he put a tally mark in peer
pressure my biggest struggle drug abuse
so I put that in that tally mark might
be self esteem so he put up a tally mark
and it took a couple of months but I had
a scientific answer the biggest struggle
overwhelmingly that students said they
faced was achievement we have this
culture that we have got to be someone
we are hard on ourselves we are hard on
our students to try to get there and be
the best that you can be because that
was responded to over and over and their
most overwhelming response on their
solution was to develop a support
network and I love that I read the
responses like if my mom sees me I know
I can do anything a support network now
I set the survey’s aside and in my daily
life or my routines I couldn’t stop
looking for patterns so I saw the
neighborhood gossip and I saw something
going on there
and they put a battalion mark and I saw
you know those professional networking
meetings you know where everyone’s
fronting trying to show their best I saw
something and I put up a tally mark and
I saw something with the young mother
who’s surrounded by her kids all day but
she definitely feels alone and I saw
something and I put a batali mark and I
had to go back to the under-pressure
project and look at all of those
responses because overwhelmingly again
the most dangerous and universal
experience that we can all face is
mental isolation isolation this means
that we are alone in our minds with
thoughts that were diminished flawed and
excluded this is universal and it’s very
dangerous now to those students who are
feeling isolated or anyone here in this
room if you were feeling isolated you
find someone to connect with find
someone who can get real with you over
our flaws our fears our failures and our
effort to that young mom I want to tell
you that you can do this I believe that
being a mom is like running a marathon
on a treadmill you’re gonna put in a lot
of effort but you’re never going across
to all of us our job for for everyone is
to get real get more real with each
other now I do have something to say
also to those professionals in that
networking being where everyone’s
fronting I wanted sometimes I want to
bring my voice down and sometimes I want
to wear jeans and I want to tell you
what my mailman said the very first day
I opened a business because get this he
and it wasn’t seven months later but we
had to close the doors of the business
because of lack of funding I have never
felt safe enough to share that in the
professional networking meetings I feel
like sometimes we’re too busy trying to
impress each other that we fail to get
real with each other you don’t need to
try and tell me you matter because you
already do you already have my
admiration
let’s stop fronting let’s start
connecting now this doesn’t mean that
anytime someone says how are you you
should emotionally overload on people
okay and our culture sometimes we like
to just say how are you is a greeting
like how are you how are you good
sometimes we don’t even respond like how
are you how are you and we probably
shouldn’t say like well my foot fungus
is acting up and having a bad hair day
and my dog died that’s not shared
laughter that’s poor boundaries that
we should share our most tender moments
with people who can honor us and
sometimes that means we just show
glimpses glimpses of our flaws our fears
our failure and our effort instead of
showing the world that you have a
perfect family let’s show the world you
have a real family because perfect
isolates human connects let’s make it safe to be human