on July 5th my best friend saved my life
he didn’t carry me out of a burning
building or take a bullet for me and
that admitted his apartment we got into
a cab we drove down Lakeshore Drive and
pulled up to a red brick house in
Chicago’s Gold Coast we passed through
the gate walked in the front door and I
told the receptionist that I needed help
he stood behind me and waited four days
later on a Monday I started to rehab for
drug addiction and what was remarkable
about the experience was not the people
although they are the most amazing
people I have ever met what was
remarkable was the way that the program
built a commonality and community and
trust not just overnight but
instantaneously for the past 83 days I
have found belonging and purpose
inspiration and accountability in ways I
have never felt in places I have never
been each day of my recovery I have
listened to people tell their stories of
shame and struggle of hardship and
heartache of humility and joy and found
support in the words kindness and
confidence of others some friends some
strangers some addicted to alcohol some
addicted to drugs all shades of the same
problem all brought together by a desire
to lead the most meaningful fulfilling
lives we are able
– and recognizing that we can only lead
that most meaningful life if we are
sober that recovering from our hurt
requires commonality and community and
Trust it requires telling our own
stories and listening as others tell
theirs whether we are struggling with
addiction depression or both whether we
experienced trauma or we didn’t whatever
the reason or how much we hurt telling
our stories helps hurt people become
healed people a few years ago I went out
in the dark of night in the dead of
winter with a group of volunteers
searching for unsheltered homeless
people to help get them into a warm
place for the night we visited a local
hospital emergency room where homeless
folks sometimes go when it is bitter
cold out we asked if there are any
patients who appeared to be homeless and
if they would speak with us there was
and he did his name was Terrance he was
my age he was bipolar he was homeless
for the first time and he had used drugs
within the past 24 hours and not having
insurance or the ability to pay he could
not get in to see a psychiatrist for
three months now how can we expect
Terrance to stay housed and employed and
get where he needs to go without having
an episode if we can’t get him in to see
a psychiatrist for three months my
chance encounter with Terrance changed
the way I thought about America’s mental
health crisis his story
inspired me to act years before I would
confront my own addiction and my own
depression why is it so much easier to
tell other people’s stories and so very
hard to tell our own many of us live
with a fear that somehow our struggles
are unique the struggles we face can’t
possibly be haunting the family in the
house across the street or the person in
front of us at the grocery store their
lawns are always green and their
shopping carts look so full we think
that our lives are so much more crazy
and more screwed up than the person
sitting next to us but the truth is
they’re not they’re just not I know this
because it is in telling our stories
that hurt people can become healed
people but changing the way we think
about talk about and treat America’s
mental health crisis starts with
changing the stories we tell ourselves
when we aren’t honest with ourselves
it’s always our friend Joe from Bible
study who is the alcoholic when we are
honest with ourselves we acknowledge we
are the alcoholic and we don’t actually
go to Bible study there are the curated
lives we lead on Facebook that we want
everyone to see and there are the real
lives we lead with parts of it we don’t
want anyone to ever see I for one was
really good at leading double lives or
so I thought I was a gay man who tried
to be straight through college I was an
extroverted introvert that
self-medicated with alcohol I was a man
in the public eye who always had people
around me but never felt
alone I was HIV positive and perpetually
ashamed afraid and self-destructive
my loneliness turned isolation and I
turned to drugs I was a gay Republican
in the suburbs for heaven’s sakes if you
look up the definition of self-loathing
in the dictionary it should read gay
Republican and even worse the definition
of isolation should read gay Republican
in the suburbs so the story I told
myself was that I was a lonely alcohol
and drug addicted HIV positive gay
elected official and a Republican in the
suburbs I was an egomaniac with a raging
inferiority complex and I was the only
one on earth who could possibly
understand but the most miraculous thing
happened when I walked into that red
brick house into our group therapy
session sat down next to a woman with a
vibrant energy and bleached blond
rock-and-roll hair though I didn’t think
I had much in common with and I told the
group about one of the most bizarre
humiliating awful things that happened
to me when I was in active addiction
thoroughly embarrassed I took a deep
breath and settled in for the gasps from
the nine other people sitting in the
circle of chairs with me but there were
no gasps no one’s jaw dropped
no one clutched their pearls and that
bleached blond rock-and-roll chick she
turned towards me and said that same
thing happened to me too but that is
easily the case we are hard-wired to
yearn for connection and belonging but
we’re also conditioned by culture to
bottle up our shame and not just bottle
it up and take it but to dish it out
I call it shame reciprocity reciprocity
comes from the Latin word reciprocal
which means returning the same way we
feel shame we are ashamed of our shame
so we deal with it by putting shame on
other people it works like this I’m
ashamed of Who I am and what I did but
it is much easier to process how
shameful you are and what you should do
about it that is shame reciprocity often
times when the word should is preceded
by a directive command or even seemingly
polite suggestion it’s quite possibly a
healthy dose of shame reciprocity shame
reciprocity will not heal ourselves or
other people it will stagnate healing
and kickstart hurt shame reciprocity
spreads the stigma that surrounds mental
illness and addiction but telling our
stories helps hurt people become healed
people but changing the way we think
about and talk about mental health and
addiction means we also have to change
the way we act on it when we treat
people suffering with mental health
challenges or addiction as moral defects
criminals or lost causes
they’re likely to end up in one of four
places our jails homeless on our streets
our emergency rooms or dead none of
those are good options if we treated
cancer like we currently treat mental
health and addiction it would work like
this
the disease was diagnosed a big if we
would cut out the tumor stitch the
person back up and send them on their
way no radiation no chemo no medication
no effort to arrest the spread of the
cancer only an effort to arrest the
individual for the behavior resulting
from their disease and by the way
insurance companies would likely reject
the claim Congress would probably cut
funding for essential services and
programs and local village boards would
vote down plans for much needed
supportive housing we have
systematically disinvested in our mental
health care system including addiction
treatment for decades and it’s just
wrong but when we treat addiction and
mental health as a person and not a
problem we invest in programs to
incentivize people to become therapists
and psychiatrists we fund job training
and Retraining programs we build
supportive housing we expand mentorship
and fellowship programs we encourage
people to seek help when we treat
addiction and mental health as a person
and not a problem we care about Terrence
being able to get in to see a
psychiatrist before he is in crisis in
order to change the way we think about
talk about an act on addiction and
mental health we also have to change the
words we use when we think about
addiction in terms of drugs we think of
heroin addicts overdosing with dirty
needles in back alleys nameless bodies
thrown in dumpsters reported and
forgotten on the evening news we think
of homeless people strung out living
under bridges but when we think about
addiction in terms of people it’s our
sons our daughters and student-athletes
it’s our dads our teachers and our
doctors all suffering from a human
condition when we talk about addiction
consequentially it’s a war on drugs when
we talk about addiction unconditionally
it is a fight to save those we love from
its grasp for those who feel as if there
is nowhere to go go to a place where you
feel commonality and community and trust
and tell your story
and for those who like me suffered for
so long who fell so far and hurt so much
I can promise you that it doesn’t matter
how much you have lost how far you have
fallen how many times you slipped up
what your rock bottom was or how hard
you hit it you can do it you are worth
it you are enough just listen because it
is telling our stories that can help
hurt people become healed people
it makes us hopeful people it makes us
happier people thank you
you [Applause]
he didn’t carry me out of a burning
building or take a bullet for me and
that admitted his apartment we got into
a cab we drove down Lakeshore Drive and
pulled up to a red brick house in
Chicago’s Gold Coast we passed through
the gate walked in the front door and I
told the receptionist that I needed help
he stood behind me and waited four days
later on a Monday I started to rehab for
drug addiction and what was remarkable
about the experience was not the people
although they are the most amazing
people I have ever met what was
remarkable was the way that the program
built a commonality and community and
trust not just overnight but
instantaneously for the past 83 days I
have found belonging and purpose
inspiration and accountability in ways I
have never felt in places I have never
been each day of my recovery I have
listened to people tell their stories of
shame and struggle of hardship and
heartache of humility and joy and found
support in the words kindness and
confidence of others some friends some
strangers some addicted to alcohol some
addicted to drugs all shades of the same
problem all brought together by a desire
to lead the most meaningful fulfilling
lives we are able
– and recognizing that we can only lead
that most meaningful life if we are
sober that recovering from our hurt
requires commonality and community and
Trust it requires telling our own
stories and listening as others tell
theirs whether we are struggling with
addiction depression or both whether we
experienced trauma or we didn’t whatever
the reason or how much we hurt telling
our stories helps hurt people become
healed people a few years ago I went out
in the dark of night in the dead of
winter with a group of volunteers
searching for unsheltered homeless
people to help get them into a warm
place for the night we visited a local
hospital emergency room where homeless
folks sometimes go when it is bitter
cold out we asked if there are any
patients who appeared to be homeless and
if they would speak with us there was
and he did his name was Terrance he was
my age he was bipolar he was homeless
for the first time and he had used drugs
within the past 24 hours and not having
insurance or the ability to pay he could
not get in to see a psychiatrist for
three months now how can we expect
Terrance to stay housed and employed and
get where he needs to go without having
an episode if we can’t get him in to see
a psychiatrist for three months my
chance encounter with Terrance changed
the way I thought about America’s mental
health crisis his story
inspired me to act years before I would
confront my own addiction and my own
depression why is it so much easier to
tell other people’s stories and so very
hard to tell our own many of us live
with a fear that somehow our struggles
are unique the struggles we face can’t
possibly be haunting the family in the
house across the street or the person in
front of us at the grocery store their
lawns are always green and their
shopping carts look so full we think
that our lives are so much more crazy
and more screwed up than the person
sitting next to us but the truth is
they’re not they’re just not I know this
because it is in telling our stories
that hurt people can become healed
people but changing the way we think
about talk about and treat America’s
mental health crisis starts with
changing the stories we tell ourselves
when we aren’t honest with ourselves
it’s always our friend Joe from Bible
study who is the alcoholic when we are
honest with ourselves we acknowledge we
are the alcoholic and we don’t actually
go to Bible study there are the curated
lives we lead on Facebook that we want
everyone to see and there are the real
lives we lead with parts of it we don’t
want anyone to ever see I for one was
really good at leading double lives or
so I thought I was a gay man who tried
to be straight through college I was an
extroverted introvert that
self-medicated with alcohol I was a man
in the public eye who always had people
around me but never felt
alone I was HIV positive and perpetually
ashamed afraid and self-destructive
my loneliness turned isolation and I
turned to drugs I was a gay Republican
in the suburbs for heaven’s sakes if you
look up the definition of self-loathing
in the dictionary it should read gay
Republican and even worse the definition
of isolation should read gay Republican
in the suburbs so the story I told
myself was that I was a lonely alcohol
and drug addicted HIV positive gay
elected official and a Republican in the
suburbs I was an egomaniac with a raging
inferiority complex and I was the only
one on earth who could possibly
understand but the most miraculous thing
happened when I walked into that red
brick house into our group therapy
session sat down next to a woman with a
vibrant energy and bleached blond
rock-and-roll hair though I didn’t think
I had much in common with and I told the
group about one of the most bizarre
humiliating awful things that happened
to me when I was in active addiction
thoroughly embarrassed I took a deep
breath and settled in for the gasps from
the nine other people sitting in the
circle of chairs with me but there were
no gasps no one’s jaw dropped
no one clutched their pearls and that
bleached blond rock-and-roll chick she
turned towards me and said that same
thing happened to me too but that is
easily the case we are hard-wired to
yearn for connection and belonging but
we’re also conditioned by culture to
bottle up our shame and not just bottle
it up and take it but to dish it out
I call it shame reciprocity reciprocity
comes from the Latin word reciprocal
which means returning the same way we
feel shame we are ashamed of our shame
so we deal with it by putting shame on
other people it works like this I’m
ashamed of Who I am and what I did but
it is much easier to process how
shameful you are and what you should do
about it that is shame reciprocity often
times when the word should is preceded
by a directive command or even seemingly
polite suggestion it’s quite possibly a
healthy dose of shame reciprocity shame
reciprocity will not heal ourselves or
other people it will stagnate healing
and kickstart hurt shame reciprocity
spreads the stigma that surrounds mental
illness and addiction but telling our
stories helps hurt people become healed
people but changing the way we think
about and talk about mental health and
addiction means we also have to change
the way we act on it when we treat
people suffering with mental health
challenges or addiction as moral defects
criminals or lost causes
they’re likely to end up in one of four
places our jails homeless on our streets
our emergency rooms or dead none of
those are good options if we treated
cancer like we currently treat mental
health and addiction it would work like
this
the disease was diagnosed a big if we
would cut out the tumor stitch the
person back up and send them on their
way no radiation no chemo no medication
no effort to arrest the spread of the
cancer only an effort to arrest the
individual for the behavior resulting
from their disease and by the way
insurance companies would likely reject
the claim Congress would probably cut
funding for essential services and
programs and local village boards would
vote down plans for much needed
supportive housing we have
systematically disinvested in our mental
health care system including addiction
treatment for decades and it’s just
wrong but when we treat addiction and
mental health as a person and not a
problem we invest in programs to
incentivize people to become therapists
and psychiatrists we fund job training
and Retraining programs we build
supportive housing we expand mentorship
and fellowship programs we encourage
people to seek help when we treat
addiction and mental health as a person
and not a problem we care about Terrence
being able to get in to see a
psychiatrist before he is in crisis in
order to change the way we think about
talk about an act on addiction and
mental health we also have to change the
words we use when we think about
addiction in terms of drugs we think of
heroin addicts overdosing with dirty
needles in back alleys nameless bodies
thrown in dumpsters reported and
forgotten on the evening news we think
of homeless people strung out living
under bridges but when we think about
addiction in terms of people it’s our
sons our daughters and student-athletes
it’s our dads our teachers and our
doctors all suffering from a human
condition when we talk about addiction
consequentially it’s a war on drugs when
we talk about addiction unconditionally
it is a fight to save those we love from
its grasp for those who feel as if there
is nowhere to go go to a place where you
feel commonality and community and trust
and tell your story
and for those who like me suffered for
so long who fell so far and hurt so much
I can promise you that it doesn’t matter
how much you have lost how far you have
fallen how many times you slipped up
what your rock bottom was or how hard
you hit it you can do it you are worth
it you are enough just listen because it
is telling our stories that can help
hurt people become healed people
it makes us hopeful people it makes us
happier people thank you
you [Applause]
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