[Music]
[Music]
I started work when I was 11 years old
picking strawberries and blueberries now
I’m a realtor and a life coach among
other things but in between I’ve managed
restaurants and retail stores and
offices I’ve also served as an Air Force
airman and an Air Force officer you
could say I’m a bit of a career
chameleon in every one of those jobs I
became either the supervisor the manager
or in some cases even the business owner
to the outside world I have had a very
successful career path and yet in every
job I also had a near-constant dialogue
going on in the back of my head from my
inner judge my inner critic covered all
the bases of my ineptness from how I
looked to my job performance she was
persistent in telling me I needed to
work really hard to prove my worth she
noted that the people in the next room
were undoubtedly talking about something
I did wrong she highlighted all the
beautiful people a category that I
didn’t quite fit into she was relentless
and I believed her I now know that my
inner critic this inner judge she only
robbed me of my potential my
possibilities and most importantly my
joy she affected everything from my
relationships to my work the funny thing
was was that nobody actually knew that
apparently I am a good actress a few
years ago I had an epiphany I was a
store manager at the time and I walked
in on a training session that my
assistant manager was giving some
employees it was on a topic that I
should have known and I didn’t because
my training had been far less than
stellar I got angry I mean I got really
mad and what followed was a series of
very rapid thoughts in which I realized
I had basically trained myself in every
job I’ve ever had
due to some problem with the trainer not
being available
worked really hard to overcome my
unfortunate training circumstances
usually resulting in some sort of a
promotion like peeling away the layers
of an onion those thoughts just kept on
coming and I realized I was constantly
trying to prove my worth to other people
but I became quite startled when the
real realization hit in that I wasn’t
trying to prove it to everybody else I
was trying to prove it to myself in that
moment I was done I was not going to
prove anything anymore I didn’t need to
in that moment I decided I’m done
beating myself up and in that moment I
decided I was ready to be happy I’ve
come to understand that negative
self-talk is nothing more than a bad
habit unfortunately it’s one I share
with most people if I were to ask you if
you were ever unkind to yourself or
called yourself names like an idiot or a
fool when you made a simple mistake I
imagine I’d see heads nod in affirmation
hmm if I asked you if you thought you
were fat or maybe not smart enough the
head nodding might continue and is it
safe to assume that sometimes we’re more
worried about our belly size than just
having fun with friends at an event we
say and do things to ourselves that we
would never say to another human being
what’s funny is that we’ve become so
entrenched in our negative habitual
thought and speech patterns that we
don’t even know it when I was a store
manager used to amuse me when people
would come into the store and they’d say
you don’t have this do you what a crazy
way to start a sentence I hear people
say all the time I may be stupid but I
don’t understand I’ve seen women look in
mirrors and absolute disgust and
unfortunately I’ve looked that way
myself and ladies in case you’re
wondering men are no different in this
regard we call ourselves ugly foolish
stupid unworthy useless and on and on
and on
it’s really no wonder that depression is
at an all-time high it’s a habit and
it’s time to change it
the first thing you need to understand
is that negative self-talk habit is
really not our fault we pick it up over
a lifetime of mixed messages my basic
theory of how this goes really is based
on my own experience as a child but also
some observations I’ve made as an adult
it goes something like this when we’re
born our first messages are normally
about how wonderful we are our parents
adore us the nurses COO and the doctors
declare us perfect and for around a year
so we pee and poop and scream at the
most inopportune times and our parents
think we’re amazing we catch sight of
ourselves in the mirror we giggle and we
agree around a year and a half or so a
child wants to explore the world and
grab some crayons and heads to the wall
to create their very first Picasso and
they’re parents who still adore them are
having a tough day and they yell you
idiot what are you doing I give you
coloring books I give you scrap paper
and you’re drawing on the wall the
siblings rub their hands together and
think aha
mom and dad have taken the kid gloves
off and the teasing begins and so does
the self-doubt before long the parents
who still adore the child need a night
off and turn the child over to a
babysitter who’s so involved in the
latest Instagram meme or how many likes
their selfie is received and the little
one just simply wants to tell them about
a favorite toy and they say kid nobody
cares what you have to say will you
please shut up in time the child goes to
kindergarten and kids can be really
really cruel a well-meaning teacher of
mine gave us timed math tests help us
learn life’s little pressures but I
didn’t do well on time math tests so I
was put into remedial math now I was
deemed slower and the teasing
became stupid basically by the tender
age of six or seven a child learns that
they’re not tall enough they’re not
smart enough they’re not short enough
they’re not fast enough they’re not cute
enough they’re not rich enough well
basically they’re just not enough Jim
Dryden who is a 17th century poet he
said first we form our habits and then
our habits form us and I think there
might be some truth in that in talking
with friends and family about negative
self-talk I hear all the time it’s just
a joke
I’m just any fun there’s nothing to it
it’s just humor but how we talk to
ourselves and how we treat ourselves has
a substantial effect on society around
us media has given rise to comparisons
with ideals that are frequently
airbrushed exaggerated or flat-out false
television came on the scene in 1927 but
in the 50s television became the primary
medium for influencing the public we saw
the perfect TV family and we compared
ourselves to them
we saw glamorous men and women and we
wanted to be them we were introduced to
the rich and famous
and we compared our meager lifestyles to
them and in all cases we came up short
now enter social media Meghan Ramsey in
a very powerful TED talk entitled why
it’s dangerous to call yourself ugly
noted that over 10,000 people a month
Google mi ugly and if you think people
are cruel face to face put them in
behind a computer screen and they’re
downright vicious a psychology
dictionary defines negative self-talk as
any expression of thought or word that
is counterproductive and has the effect
of demotivating one’s self numerous
studies show that a person with us poor
self-image which is fueled by negative
self-talk has
higher tendency towards depression
addiction theft or worse
conversely somebody with a positive
self-image which is fueled by positive
self-talk they have a higher tendency
towards reduced stress increased
productivity and in general they’re
happier people it’s important to note
that the Internet is a very dangerous
place to look for your personal
validation you see when people look
outside themselves for their sense of
worth they’re looking through the lens
of somebody else’s perspective which I
hope they’ve shown you can be a little
bit warped the place that I found my
self worth was in my own heart and it
started with what I had to say to myself
and what I told myself every day now
it’s important to note that personal
growth and improvement are a necessary
part of our society for their
development and that growth of
individuals in a society but I think you
agree there’s a vast difference between
saying oh I think I better start going
to the gym again and oh my god I’ve
gotten so fat can you hear the
difference between saying I really wish
I had use different words in that
conversation and I’ve done it again I’m
such an idiotic blabbermouth how about I
know if I keep trying I’m gonna succeed
and I’ll never get this I am a useless
failure unfortunately we all have
examples of negative thought and word
choices which make our individual
experience of an event much worse than
it probably was I say it’s time for
newer happier habits I invite you right
here and right now to teach your inner
critic a new story this transformation
will take personal commitment and
awareness you see our our inner judge
this inner critic can be really loud
I’ve discovered that I am the narrator
of my story I decide what I’m gonna say
to myself and you can to living a life
of happiness and possibilities starts
with what I tell myself
every single day if I’m having
difficulty perhaps I’m stressed or
overly tired I use affirmations in a
mirror to help me get past whatever
difficulty I might be having I might say
something like I believe in myself and
my unlimited potential as an example
perhaps I’m feeling a little frumpy I
might use a gratitude out affirmation
such as I’m grateful for my healthy body
and my ability to take care of it Louise
Hay who founded Hay House publishing
she taught affirmations and mirror
worked for decades and she defined an
affirmation as anything that you say to
yourself whether positive or negative
and she went on to say that when you use
positive affirmations in front of a
mirror you immediately see where you’re
putting up resistance to your own
happiness I have found that creating
situational affirmations is an excellent
tool for teaching the inner critic
something new to say and they make me
feel good now an important key to this
change is to stay on top of what you’re
thinking in saying when you have a
negative thought word or belief you have
to immediately replace it with something
positive so for example I dropped
something and I announced to the world
I’m an idiot I stop and say wait a
minute wait whoa mm-hmm I am NOT an
idiot I have a master’s degree people
hire me for jobs and I’ve even been
asked for it advice a time or two I’m
actually pretty smart
I kept countering my negative thoughts
and beliefs until I began to believe a
new story a more positive story the
benefit of this is that it keeps me
mindful of what I’m saying and thinking
and that keeps me in the present moment
and that’s where all life’s miracles and
possibilities happen anyway
and the more positive that I became the
more I began to draw in more positive
people and circumstances into my life
the old adage of misery loves company
well it’s absolutely true in the reverse
as well one of the other tools for
changing this negative self-talk is
something that’s really hard for many
many people when I receive a compliment
now my answer is a simple and
straightforward thank you I appreciate
that
I don’t argue with my admirer
I don’t negate the compliment I embrace
the compliment with thanks which helps
to reinforce this new positive way of
being if we’re truly to change our
negative self-talk into something more
enriching and positive it’s gonna take
continual practice in fact because of
the negative messages and and influences
all around us I’ve had to make this
awareness a part of who I am in order to
stay on top of my emotional health
because when I removed the negative
cloak that I had her bitterly worn I
began to see all areas of my life in a
more positive light making my life and
my world a more positive place started
with me loving myself and so a few years
ago I decided to stop beating myself up
I decided to truly love and appreciate
Who I am just as I am and it was the
best decision I ever made
because today I’m a successful woman
who’s also very happy thank you
[Applause]
[Music]
I started work when I was 11 years old
picking strawberries and blueberries now
I’m a realtor and a life coach among
other things but in between I’ve managed
restaurants and retail stores and
offices I’ve also served as an Air Force
airman and an Air Force officer you
could say I’m a bit of a career
chameleon in every one of those jobs I
became either the supervisor the manager
or in some cases even the business owner
to the outside world I have had a very
successful career path and yet in every
job I also had a near-constant dialogue
going on in the back of my head from my
inner judge my inner critic covered all
the bases of my ineptness from how I
looked to my job performance she was
persistent in telling me I needed to
work really hard to prove my worth she
noted that the people in the next room
were undoubtedly talking about something
I did wrong she highlighted all the
beautiful people a category that I
didn’t quite fit into she was relentless
and I believed her I now know that my
inner critic this inner judge she only
robbed me of my potential my
possibilities and most importantly my
joy she affected everything from my
relationships to my work the funny thing
was was that nobody actually knew that
apparently I am a good actress a few
years ago I had an epiphany I was a
store manager at the time and I walked
in on a training session that my
assistant manager was giving some
employees it was on a topic that I
should have known and I didn’t because
my training had been far less than
stellar I got angry I mean I got really
mad and what followed was a series of
very rapid thoughts in which I realized
I had basically trained myself in every
job I’ve ever had
due to some problem with the trainer not
being available
worked really hard to overcome my
unfortunate training circumstances
usually resulting in some sort of a
promotion like peeling away the layers
of an onion those thoughts just kept on
coming and I realized I was constantly
trying to prove my worth to other people
but I became quite startled when the
real realization hit in that I wasn’t
trying to prove it to everybody else I
was trying to prove it to myself in that
moment I was done I was not going to
prove anything anymore I didn’t need to
in that moment I decided I’m done
beating myself up and in that moment I
decided I was ready to be happy I’ve
come to understand that negative
self-talk is nothing more than a bad
habit unfortunately it’s one I share
with most people if I were to ask you if
you were ever unkind to yourself or
called yourself names like an idiot or a
fool when you made a simple mistake I
imagine I’d see heads nod in affirmation
hmm if I asked you if you thought you
were fat or maybe not smart enough the
head nodding might continue and is it
safe to assume that sometimes we’re more
worried about our belly size than just
having fun with friends at an event we
say and do things to ourselves that we
would never say to another human being
what’s funny is that we’ve become so
entrenched in our negative habitual
thought and speech patterns that we
don’t even know it when I was a store
manager used to amuse me when people
would come into the store and they’d say
you don’t have this do you what a crazy
way to start a sentence I hear people
say all the time I may be stupid but I
don’t understand I’ve seen women look in
mirrors and absolute disgust and
unfortunately I’ve looked that way
myself and ladies in case you’re
wondering men are no different in this
regard we call ourselves ugly foolish
stupid unworthy useless and on and on
and on
it’s really no wonder that depression is
at an all-time high it’s a habit and
it’s time to change it
the first thing you need to understand
is that negative self-talk habit is
really not our fault we pick it up over
a lifetime of mixed messages my basic
theory of how this goes really is based
on my own experience as a child but also
some observations I’ve made as an adult
it goes something like this when we’re
born our first messages are normally
about how wonderful we are our parents
adore us the nurses COO and the doctors
declare us perfect and for around a year
so we pee and poop and scream at the
most inopportune times and our parents
think we’re amazing we catch sight of
ourselves in the mirror we giggle and we
agree around a year and a half or so a
child wants to explore the world and
grab some crayons and heads to the wall
to create their very first Picasso and
they’re parents who still adore them are
having a tough day and they yell you
idiot what are you doing I give you
coloring books I give you scrap paper
and you’re drawing on the wall the
siblings rub their hands together and
think aha
mom and dad have taken the kid gloves
off and the teasing begins and so does
the self-doubt before long the parents
who still adore the child need a night
off and turn the child over to a
babysitter who’s so involved in the
latest Instagram meme or how many likes
their selfie is received and the little
one just simply wants to tell them about
a favorite toy and they say kid nobody
cares what you have to say will you
please shut up in time the child goes to
kindergarten and kids can be really
really cruel a well-meaning teacher of
mine gave us timed math tests help us
learn life’s little pressures but I
didn’t do well on time math tests so I
was put into remedial math now I was
deemed slower and the teasing
became stupid basically by the tender
age of six or seven a child learns that
they’re not tall enough they’re not
smart enough they’re not short enough
they’re not fast enough they’re not cute
enough they’re not rich enough well
basically they’re just not enough Jim
Dryden who is a 17th century poet he
said first we form our habits and then
our habits form us and I think there
might be some truth in that in talking
with friends and family about negative
self-talk I hear all the time it’s just
a joke
I’m just any fun there’s nothing to it
it’s just humor but how we talk to
ourselves and how we treat ourselves has
a substantial effect on society around
us media has given rise to comparisons
with ideals that are frequently
airbrushed exaggerated or flat-out false
television came on the scene in 1927 but
in the 50s television became the primary
medium for influencing the public we saw
the perfect TV family and we compared
ourselves to them
we saw glamorous men and women and we
wanted to be them we were introduced to
the rich and famous
and we compared our meager lifestyles to
them and in all cases we came up short
now enter social media Meghan Ramsey in
a very powerful TED talk entitled why
it’s dangerous to call yourself ugly
noted that over 10,000 people a month
Google mi ugly and if you think people
are cruel face to face put them in
behind a computer screen and they’re
downright vicious a psychology
dictionary defines negative self-talk as
any expression of thought or word that
is counterproductive and has the effect
of demotivating one’s self numerous
studies show that a person with us poor
self-image which is fueled by negative
self-talk has
higher tendency towards depression
addiction theft or worse
conversely somebody with a positive
self-image which is fueled by positive
self-talk they have a higher tendency
towards reduced stress increased
productivity and in general they’re
happier people it’s important to note
that the Internet is a very dangerous
place to look for your personal
validation you see when people look
outside themselves for their sense of
worth they’re looking through the lens
of somebody else’s perspective which I
hope they’ve shown you can be a little
bit warped the place that I found my
self worth was in my own heart and it
started with what I had to say to myself
and what I told myself every day now
it’s important to note that personal
growth and improvement are a necessary
part of our society for their
development and that growth of
individuals in a society but I think you
agree there’s a vast difference between
saying oh I think I better start going
to the gym again and oh my god I’ve
gotten so fat can you hear the
difference between saying I really wish
I had use different words in that
conversation and I’ve done it again I’m
such an idiotic blabbermouth how about I
know if I keep trying I’m gonna succeed
and I’ll never get this I am a useless
failure unfortunately we all have
examples of negative thought and word
choices which make our individual
experience of an event much worse than
it probably was I say it’s time for
newer happier habits I invite you right
here and right now to teach your inner
critic a new story this transformation
will take personal commitment and
awareness you see our our inner judge
this inner critic can be really loud
I’ve discovered that I am the narrator
of my story I decide what I’m gonna say
to myself and you can to living a life
of happiness and possibilities starts
with what I tell myself
every single day if I’m having
difficulty perhaps I’m stressed or
overly tired I use affirmations in a
mirror to help me get past whatever
difficulty I might be having I might say
something like I believe in myself and
my unlimited potential as an example
perhaps I’m feeling a little frumpy I
might use a gratitude out affirmation
such as I’m grateful for my healthy body
and my ability to take care of it Louise
Hay who founded Hay House publishing
she taught affirmations and mirror
worked for decades and she defined an
affirmation as anything that you say to
yourself whether positive or negative
and she went on to say that when you use
positive affirmations in front of a
mirror you immediately see where you’re
putting up resistance to your own
happiness I have found that creating
situational affirmations is an excellent
tool for teaching the inner critic
something new to say and they make me
feel good now an important key to this
change is to stay on top of what you’re
thinking in saying when you have a
negative thought word or belief you have
to immediately replace it with something
positive so for example I dropped
something and I announced to the world
I’m an idiot I stop and say wait a
minute wait whoa mm-hmm I am NOT an
idiot I have a master’s degree people
hire me for jobs and I’ve even been
asked for it advice a time or two I’m
actually pretty smart
I kept countering my negative thoughts
and beliefs until I began to believe a
new story a more positive story the
benefit of this is that it keeps me
mindful of what I’m saying and thinking
and that keeps me in the present moment
and that’s where all life’s miracles and
possibilities happen anyway
and the more positive that I became the
more I began to draw in more positive
people and circumstances into my life
the old adage of misery loves company
well it’s absolutely true in the reverse
as well one of the other tools for
changing this negative self-talk is
something that’s really hard for many
many people when I receive a compliment
now my answer is a simple and
straightforward thank you I appreciate
that
I don’t argue with my admirer
I don’t negate the compliment I embrace
the compliment with thanks which helps
to reinforce this new positive way of
being if we’re truly to change our
negative self-talk into something more
enriching and positive it’s gonna take
continual practice in fact because of
the negative messages and and influences
all around us I’ve had to make this
awareness a part of who I am in order to
stay on top of my emotional health
because when I removed the negative
cloak that I had her bitterly worn I
began to see all areas of my life in a
more positive light making my life and
my world a more positive place started
with me loving myself and so a few years
ago I decided to stop beating myself up
I decided to truly love and appreciate
Who I am just as I am and it was the
best decision I ever made
because today I’m a successful woman
who’s also very happy thank you
[Applause]
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