[Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Music]
[Music] when I was six years old I got lost in a
when I was six years old I got lost in a
when I was six years old I got lost in a mall using my stellar six-year-old brain
mall using my stellar six-year-old brain
mall using my stellar six-year-old brain I figured that my dad and sister would
I figured that my dad and sister would
I figured that my dad and sister would have to go back out to the car
have to go back out to the car
have to go back out to the car eventually so I stepped out into a
eventually so I stepped out into a
eventually so I stepped out into a parking lot into a sea of cars without
parking lot into a sea of cars without
parking lot into a sea of cars without the first clue where ours was the half
the first clue where ours was the half
the first clue where ours was the half hour that followed was probably one of
hour that followed was probably one of
hour that followed was probably one of the most defining of my life I was six I
the most defining of my life I was six I
the most defining of my life I was six I knew about stranger danger but when a
knew about stranger danger but when a
knew about stranger danger but when a man in a pickup truck pulled up and
man in a pickup truck pulled up and
man in a pickup truck pulled up and asked if I needed help finding my car I
asked if I needed help finding my car I
asked if I needed help finding my car I got it fast-forward 30 years – and my
got it fast-forward 30 years – and my
got it fast-forward 30 years – and my then fourth-grade daughter comes home
then fourth-grade daughter comes home
then fourth-grade daughter comes home and tells me who boys in her class found
and tells me who boys in her class found
and tells me who boys in her class found the worst swear word in the word search
the worst swear word in the word search
the worst swear word in the word search that did the R word the R word and then
that did the R word the R word and then
that did the R word the R word and then she says mom
she says mom
she says mom what does rape mean for a moment I was
what does rape mean for a moment I was
what does rape mean for a moment I was paralyzed but then I had this policy of
paralyzed but then I had this policy of
paralyzed but then I had this policy of always answering my kids questions the
always answering my kids questions the
always answering my kids questions the best I can so I took a deep breath and I
best I can so I took a deep breath and I
best I can so I took a deep breath and I said it’s when someone touches a
said it’s when someone touches a
said it’s when someone touches a person’s vagina or penis in a way that
person’s vagina or penis in a way that
person’s vagina or penis in a way that they don’t want and they don’t give them
they don’t want and they don’t give them
they don’t want and they don’t give them the choice to say no afterwards as I was
the choice to say no afterwards as I was
the choice to say no afterwards as I was watching her play in our backyard my
watching her play in our backyard my
watching her play in our backyard my biggest fear wasn’t that she would one
biggest fear wasn’t that she would one
biggest fear wasn’t that she would one day find out about my own experience
day find out about my own experience
day find out about my own experience with sexual violence my biggest fear was
with sexual violence my biggest fear was
with sexual violence my biggest fear was that I wouldn’t be able to show her
that I wouldn’t be able to show her
that I wouldn’t be able to show her enough healthy examples of positive
enough healthy examples of positive
enough healthy examples of positive sexuality so that my experience didn’t
sexuality so that my experience didn’t
sexuality so that my experience didn’t also alter her life the first few times
also alter her life the first few times
also alter her life the first few times I talked to high school students about
I talked to high school students about
I talked to high school students about sexual assault in their classrooms when
sexual assault in their classrooms when
sexual assault in their classrooms when we got to the Q&A part of the session I
we got to the Q&A part of the session I
we got to the Q&A part of the session I was inundated with what I call the does
was inundated with what I call the does
was inundated with what I call the does that count question well what if she and
that count question well what if she and
that count question well what if she and I were both drinking does that count
I were both drinking does that count
I were both drinking does that count or well what if she said yes but then in
or well what if she said yes but then in
or well what if she said yes but then in the middle she changed her mind does
the middle she changed her mind does
the middle she changed her mind does that count
that count
that count or well what if neither of us remember
or well what if neither of us remember
or well what if neither of us remember the next day after about my third one of
the next day after about my third one of
the next day after about my third one of these I realized that something was very
these I realized that something was very
these I realized that something was very very wrong so I said you know what let’s
very wrong so I said you know what let’s
very wrong so I said you know what let’s reframe this let’s take the legality of
reframe this let’s take the legality of
reframe this let’s take the legality of this aside and then let’s look at this
this aside and then let’s look at this
this aside and then let’s look at this from our own values do you want to have
from our own values do you want to have
from our own values do you want to have sex with someone who doesn’t remember it
sex with someone who doesn’t remember it
sex with someone who doesn’t remember it the next day do you want to not remember
the next day do you want to not remember
the next day do you want to not remember it the next day do you want to be
it the next day do you want to be
it the next day do you want to be someone’s regret or someone’s I did it
someone’s regret or someone’s I did it
someone’s regret or someone’s I did it just so I could get out of there
just so I could get out of there
just so I could get out of there or wouldn’t you rather be someone’s
or wouldn’t you rather be someone’s
or wouldn’t you rather be someone’s enthusiastic yes with this the entire
enthusiastic yes with this the entire
enthusiastic yes with this the entire conversation changed it got much more
conversation changed it got much more
conversation changed it got much more open much more honest much more
open much more honest much more
open much more honest much more authentic much more vulnerable it turns
authentic much more vulnerable it turns
authentic much more vulnerable it turns out that initially the thing that was
out that initially the thing that was
out that initially the thing that was wrong was me I was giving these kids a
wrong was me I was giving these kids a
wrong was me I was giving these kids a map and pointing out all the skate scary
map and pointing out all the skate scary
map and pointing out all the skate scary and dangerous places and forgetting to
and dangerous places and forgetting to
and dangerous places and forgetting to talk about the wonderful places the
talk about the wonderful places the
talk about the wonderful places the amazing places the awkward places the
amazing places the awkward places the
amazing places the awkward places the beautiful places it was time to reframe
beautiful places it was time to reframe
beautiful places it was time to reframe this whole conversation we are living in
this whole conversation we are living in
this whole conversation we are living in a world that uses shame as a shield and
a world that uses shame as a shield and
a world that uses shame as a shield and it’s not working by only talking to our
it’s not working by only talking to our
it’s not working by only talking to our kids about the dangers of sexual
kids about the dangers of sexual
kids about the dangers of sexual violence we are leaving girls feeling
violence we are leaving girls feeling
violence we are leaving girls feeling afraid and boys feeling indicted we need
afraid and boys feeling indicted we need
afraid and boys feeling indicted we need to give our kids the chance to explore
to give our kids the chance to explore
to give our kids the chance to explore their own sexual curiosity and we need
their own sexual curiosity and we need
their own sexual curiosity and we need to guide them through this very
to guide them through this very
to guide them through this very complicated modern sexual world we need
complicated modern sexual world we need
complicated modern sexual world we need to try transparency and honesty and non
to try transparency and honesty and non
to try transparency and honesty and non judgment and vulnerability but we keep
judgment and vulnerability but we keep
judgment and vulnerability but we keep messing this up we put sex in this
messing this up we put sex in this
messing this up we put sex in this category of risky behaviors like vaping
category of risky behaviors like vaping
category of risky behaviors like vaping and texting wonder while driving and
and texting wonder while driving and
and texting wonder while driving and sniffing glue instead of something that
sniffing glue instead of something that
sniffing glue instead of something that many of us do throughout the course of
many of us do throughout the course of
many of us do throughout the course of our lifespan further we are failing to
our lifespan further we are failing to
our lifespan further we are failing to give our kids a language around consent
give our kids a language around consent
give our kids a language around consent we are not helping them develop a voice
we are not helping them develop a voice
we are not helping them develop a voice to unapologetically own their know and
to unapologetically own their know and
to unapologetically own their know and enthusiastically declare their yes so
enthusiastically declare their yes so
enthusiastically declare their yes so how do we do this well the first thing
how do we do this well the first thing
how do we do this well the first thing is we
is we
is we to create an understanding in in small
to create an understanding in in small
to create an understanding in in small children around consent it needs to
children around consent it needs to
children around consent it needs to start young it needs to start right away
start young it needs to start right away
start young it needs to start right away they need to know about good touch and
they need to know about good touch and
they need to know about good touch and bad touch they need to know that their
bad touch they need to know that their
bad touch they need to know that their bodies are their own to make decisions
bodies are their own to make decisions
bodies are their own to make decisions about and they need to know that we are
about and they need to know that we are
about and they need to know that we are listening to them so what does this mean
listening to them so what does this mean
listening to them so what does this mean well maybe it means that when you bring
well maybe it means that when you bring
well maybe it means that when you bring your child to a big family party you
your child to a big family party you
your child to a big family party you don’t mandate that they hug and kiss
don’t mandate that they hug and kiss
don’t mandate that they hug and kiss every single person in the room maybe
every single person in the room maybe
every single person in the room maybe you if they say Oh Aunt Martha wears way
you if they say Oh Aunt Martha wears way
you if they say Oh Aunt Martha wears way too much perfume you allow that no you
too much perfume you allow that no you
too much perfume you allow that no you honor it in schools if it’s not an a
honor it in schools if it’s not an a
honor it in schools if it’s not an a safety issue maybe it means that we
safety issue maybe it means that we
safety issue maybe it means that we don’t insist on holding hands with the
don’t insist on holding hands with the
don’t insist on holding hands with the person next to us in a circle what kind
person next to us in a circle what kind
person next to us in a circle what kind of message are we sending kids if we
of message are we sending kids if we
of message are we sending kids if we tell them your bodies are your own to
tell them your bodies are your own to
tell them your bodies are your own to make a decision about but you have to
make a decision about but you have to
make a decision about but you have to hold the next person’s hand because
hold the next person’s hand because
hold the next person’s hand because that’s the nice thing this is a mixed
that’s the nice thing this is a mixed
that’s the nice thing this is a mixed message and it’s not good for kids the
message and it’s not good for kids the
message and it’s not good for kids the other thing is we need to give kids the
other thing is we need to give kids the
other thing is we need to give kids the opportunity to say yes so in my house
opportunity to say yes so in my house
opportunity to say yes so in my house that might look like this hey buddy you
that might look like this hey buddy you
that might look like this hey buddy you look kind of sad could you use a hug yes
look kind of sad could you use a hug yes
look kind of sad could you use a hug yes mom yes yes second thing we need to be
mom yes yes second thing we need to be
mom yes yes second thing we need to be advocates for comprehensive sexual
advocates for comprehensive sexual
advocates for comprehensive sexual education in our schools that means
education in our schools that means
education in our schools that means positive representation of LGBTQI youth
positive representation of LGBTQI youth
positive representation of LGBTQI youth that means information about birth
that means information about birth
that means information about birth control that means instructions on how
control that means instructions on how
control that means instructions on how to work birth control that means
to work birth control that means
to work birth control that means information about sti’s according to the
information about sti’s according to the
information about sti’s according to the Guttmacher Institute since 2006 fully 28
Guttmacher Institute since 2006 fully 28
Guttmacher Institute since 2006 fully 28 percent of girls and 35% of boys have
percent of girls and 35% of boys have
percent of girls and 35% of boys have received abstinence only sex education
received abstinence only sex education
received abstinence only sex education in school that number is appalling to me
in school that number is appalling to me
in school that number is appalling to me and absolutely unnecessary if you cannot
and absolutely unnecessary if you cannot
and absolutely unnecessary if you cannot be an advocate if you cannot make sex ad
be an advocate if you cannot make sex ad
be an advocate if you cannot make sex ad happen in your schools then you need to
happen in your schools then you need to
happen in your schools then you need to be a make it happen in your communities
be a make it happen in your communities
be a make it happen in your communities or in your places of worship and always
or in your places of worship and always
or in your places of worship and always Oh
Oh
Oh is be having these conversations in your
is be having these conversations in your
is be having these conversations in your own home third thing you need to
own home third thing you need to
own home third thing you need to acknowledge that there is not just one
acknowledge that there is not just one
acknowledge that there is not just one sex talk we don’t get to have our
sex talk we don’t get to have our
sex talk we don’t get to have our five-year-old the birds and the bees
five-year-old the birds and the bees
five-year-old the birds and the bees where do babies come from and call us
where do babies come from and call us
where do babies come from and call us good you’re not good this is an ongoing
good you’re not good this is an ongoing
good you’re not good this is an ongoing conversation and you need to continue
conversation and you need to continue
conversation and you need to continue with the conversation in every
with the conversation in every
with the conversation in every opportunity that you have so that might
opportunity that you have so that might
opportunity that you have so that might mean that when you’re driving to school
mean that when you’re driving to school
mean that when you’re driving to school and your 11 year old in the back here’s
and your 11 year old in the back here’s
and your 11 year old in the back here’s the morning DJ say something about porn
the morning DJ say something about porn
the morning DJ say something about porn as a port as apparently morning DJ’s are
as a port as apparently morning DJ’s are
as a port as apparently morning DJ’s are want to do and he says hey mom what’s
want to do and he says hey mom what’s
want to do and he says hey mom what’s porn you could turn off the radio and
porn you could turn off the radio and
porn you could turn off the radio and distract him with a discussion about
distract him with a discussion about
distract him with a discussion about dessert or you could answer the question
dessert or you could answer the question
dessert or you could answer the question you don’t have to give a full treatise
you don’t have to give a full treatise
you don’t have to give a full treatise on sex workers rights but you could
on sex workers rights but you could
on sex workers rights but you could answer the one question that is being
answer the one question that is being
answer the one question that is being asked and allow him to ask another one
asked and allow him to ask another one
asked and allow him to ask another one that’s honesty the nice thing about this
that’s honesty the nice thing about this
that’s honesty the nice thing about this ongoing conversation is if you muddle it
ongoing conversation is if you muddle it
ongoing conversation is if you muddle it the first time you’ll get a chance to do
the first time you’ll get a chance to do
the first time you’ll get a chance to do it again a few years ago my daughter
it again a few years ago my daughter
it again a few years ago my daughter asked me how exactly condoms worked so I
asked me how exactly condoms worked so I
asked me how exactly condoms worked so I got out my pad of paper and my pencil
got out my pad of paper and my pencil
got out my pad of paper and my pencil and I drew this large awkward cactus
and I drew this large awkward cactus
and I drew this large awkward cactus looking thing and she said okay thanks
looking thing and she said okay thanks
looking thing and she said okay thanks mom and it was a total disaster I’m the
mom and it was a total disaster I’m the
mom and it was a total disaster I’m the worst drawer ever I have no art skills
worst drawer ever I have no art skills
worst drawer ever I have no art skills at all so later on I’m talking to my
at all so later on I’m talking to my
at all so later on I’m talking to my community of friends about this and I
community of friends about this and I
community of friends about this and I say oh yeah it was such a mess and they
say oh yeah it was such a mess and they
say oh yeah it was such a mess and they say Krista don’t you know about the tube
say Krista don’t you know about the tube
say Krista don’t you know about the tube sock method the tube sock method I did
sock method the tube sock method I did
sock method the tube sock method I did not know about this do you all know
not know about this do you all know
not know about this do you all know about the tube sock well here we go the
about the tube sock well here we go the
about the tube sock well here we go the tube sock method how to put a condom on
tube sock method how to put a condom on
tube sock method how to put a condom on fallout4 thing we need to be as open and
fallout4 thing we need to be as open and
fallout4 thing we need to be as open and non-judgmental in these conversations
non-judgmental in these conversations
non-judgmental in these conversations with our kids as possible we need to
with our kids as possible we need to
with our kids as possible we need to acknowledge that we are
acknowledge that we are
acknowledge that we are we are not the captains of the ship who
we are not the captains of the ship who
we are not the captains of the ship who know everything we are just learning as
know everything we are just learning as
know everything we are just learning as much as they are this makes you a person
much as they are this makes you a person
much as they are this makes you a person who is safe to talk to and you won’t
who is safe to talk to and you won’t
who is safe to talk to and you won’t with your kids you want to be a safe
with your kids you want to be a safe
with your kids you want to be a safe person that they’ll talk to so if they
person that they’ll talk to so if they
person that they’ll talk to so if they tell you oh hey mom I have this crush
tell you oh hey mom I have this crush
tell you oh hey mom I have this crush instead of assuming a gender bias say oh
instead of assuming a gender bias say oh
instead of assuming a gender bias say oh really well what are they like what do
really well what are they like what do
really well what are they like what do you like about them because you’ve
you like about them because you’ve
you like about them because you’ve opened a door
opened a door
opened a door similarly if they tell you that their
similarly if they tell you that their
similarly if they tell you that their best friend is a non-binary arrow ace
best friend is a non-binary arrow ace
best friend is a non-binary arrow ace you could say oh really what’s that
you could say oh really what’s that
you could say oh really what’s that or if you know what that is you could
or if you know what that is you could
or if you know what that is you could say oh well what do you think that means
say oh well what do you think that means
say oh well what do you think that means what does that mean to you you see this
what does that mean to you you see this
what does that mean to you you see this is how we open the conversation this is
is how we open the conversation this is
is how we open the conversation this is how it keeps going it’s not yes or no
how it keeps going it’s not yes or no
how it keeps going it’s not yes or no it’s wide open finally I would like to
it’s wide open finally I would like to
it’s wide open finally I would like to acknowledge that I do understand that
acknowledge that I do understand that
acknowledge that I do understand that sometimes it’s uncomfortable to talk
sometimes it’s uncomfortable to talk
sometimes it’s uncomfortable to talk about sex that is sometimes it’s awkward
about sex that is sometimes it’s awkward
about sex that is sometimes it’s awkward and sometimes it goes really right and
and sometimes it goes really right and
and sometimes it goes really right and sometimes it goes really wrong a few
sometimes it goes really wrong a few
sometimes it goes really wrong a few months ago I had my 14 year old son in
months ago I had my 14 year old son in
months ago I had my 14 year old son in the car with me and it was just the two
the car with me and it was just the two
the car with me and it was just the two of us and this never happens there’s
of us and this never happens there’s
of us and this never happens there’s usually one other kid somewhere so I
usually one other kid somewhere so I
usually one other kid somewhere so I thought I’m gonna take this opportunity
thought I’m gonna take this opportunity
thought I’m gonna take this opportunity and I turned to him and I said hey buddy
and I turned to him and I said hey buddy
and I turned to him and I said hey buddy I just want you to know that if you have
I just want you to know that if you have
I just want you to know that if you have a wet dream it’s totally normal
a wet dream it’s totally normal
a wet dream it’s totally normal it’s very common this happens to
it’s very common this happens to
it’s very common this happens to adolescent boys all the time it is not a
adolescent boys all the time it is not a
adolescent boys all the time it is not a big deal at all just you should let me
big deal at all just you should let me
big deal at all just you should let me know because then I can make sure we get
know because then I can make sure we get
know because then I can make sure we get the laundry done so it’s not a big
the laundry done so it’s not a big
the laundry done so it’s not a big sticky mess up there for two weeks and
sticky mess up there for two weeks and
sticky mess up there for two weeks and he says yeah mom I know how to do my own
he says yeah mom I know how to do my own
he says yeah mom I know how to do my own laundry but you could just pull over
laundry but you could just pull over
laundry but you could just pull over here on the side of the road I’ll walk
here on the side of the road I’ll walk
here on the side of the road I’ll walk the rest of the way to school so you see
the rest of the way to school so you see
the rest of the way to school so you see sometimes it goes wrong and that’s
sometimes it goes wrong and that’s
sometimes it goes wrong and that’s alright as long as we’re showing up we
alright as long as we’re showing up we
alright as long as we’re showing up we show up so that we build this
show up so that we build this
show up so that we build this scaffolding however rickety it can
scaffolding however rickety it can
scaffolding however rickety it can sometimes be beneath our children so
sometimes be beneath our children so
sometimes be beneath our children so that they can lead healthy sexual lives
that they can lead healthy sexual lives
that they can lead healthy sexual lives that are rooted in open communication
that are rooted in open communication
that are rooted in open communication and enthusiastic inside
and enthusiastic inside
and enthusiastic inside thank you
thank you
thank you [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
[Music] [Applause]
[Music]
[Music] when I was six years old I got lost in a
when I was six years old I got lost in a
when I was six years old I got lost in a mall using my stellar six-year-old brain
mall using my stellar six-year-old brain
mall using my stellar six-year-old brain I figured that my dad and sister would
I figured that my dad and sister would
I figured that my dad and sister would have to go back out to the car
have to go back out to the car
have to go back out to the car eventually so I stepped out into a
eventually so I stepped out into a
eventually so I stepped out into a parking lot into a sea of cars without
parking lot into a sea of cars without
parking lot into a sea of cars without the first clue where ours was the half
the first clue where ours was the half
the first clue where ours was the half hour that followed was probably one of
hour that followed was probably one of
hour that followed was probably one of the most defining of my life I was six I
the most defining of my life I was six I
the most defining of my life I was six I knew about stranger danger but when a
knew about stranger danger but when a
knew about stranger danger but when a man in a pickup truck pulled up and
man in a pickup truck pulled up and
man in a pickup truck pulled up and asked if I needed help finding my car I
asked if I needed help finding my car I
asked if I needed help finding my car I got it fast-forward 30 years – and my
got it fast-forward 30 years – and my
got it fast-forward 30 years – and my then fourth-grade daughter comes home
then fourth-grade daughter comes home
then fourth-grade daughter comes home and tells me who boys in her class found
and tells me who boys in her class found
and tells me who boys in her class found the worst swear word in the word search
the worst swear word in the word search
the worst swear word in the word search that did the R word the R word and then
that did the R word the R word and then
that did the R word the R word and then she says mom
she says mom
she says mom what does rape mean for a moment I was
what does rape mean for a moment I was
what does rape mean for a moment I was paralyzed but then I had this policy of
paralyzed but then I had this policy of
paralyzed but then I had this policy of always answering my kids questions the
always answering my kids questions the
always answering my kids questions the best I can so I took a deep breath and I
best I can so I took a deep breath and I
best I can so I took a deep breath and I said it’s when someone touches a
said it’s when someone touches a
said it’s when someone touches a person’s vagina or penis in a way that
person’s vagina or penis in a way that
person’s vagina or penis in a way that they don’t want and they don’t give them
they don’t want and they don’t give them
they don’t want and they don’t give them the choice to say no afterwards as I was
the choice to say no afterwards as I was
the choice to say no afterwards as I was watching her play in our backyard my
watching her play in our backyard my
watching her play in our backyard my biggest fear wasn’t that she would one
biggest fear wasn’t that she would one
biggest fear wasn’t that she would one day find out about my own experience
day find out about my own experience
day find out about my own experience with sexual violence my biggest fear was
with sexual violence my biggest fear was
with sexual violence my biggest fear was that I wouldn’t be able to show her
that I wouldn’t be able to show her
that I wouldn’t be able to show her enough healthy examples of positive
enough healthy examples of positive
enough healthy examples of positive sexuality so that my experience didn’t
sexuality so that my experience didn’t
sexuality so that my experience didn’t also alter her life the first few times
also alter her life the first few times
also alter her life the first few times I talked to high school students about
I talked to high school students about
I talked to high school students about sexual assault in their classrooms when
sexual assault in their classrooms when
sexual assault in their classrooms when we got to the Q&A part of the session I
we got to the Q&A part of the session I
we got to the Q&A part of the session I was inundated with what I call the does
was inundated with what I call the does
was inundated with what I call the does that count question well what if she and
that count question well what if she and
that count question well what if she and I were both drinking does that count
I were both drinking does that count
I were both drinking does that count or well what if she said yes but then in
or well what if she said yes but then in
or well what if she said yes but then in the middle she changed her mind does
the middle she changed her mind does
the middle she changed her mind does that count
that count
that count or well what if neither of us remember
or well what if neither of us remember
or well what if neither of us remember the next day after about my third one of
the next day after about my third one of
the next day after about my third one of these I realized that something was very
these I realized that something was very
these I realized that something was very very wrong so I said you know what let’s
very wrong so I said you know what let’s
very wrong so I said you know what let’s reframe this let’s take the legality of
reframe this let’s take the legality of
reframe this let’s take the legality of this aside and then let’s look at this
this aside and then let’s look at this
this aside and then let’s look at this from our own values do you want to have
from our own values do you want to have
from our own values do you want to have sex with someone who doesn’t remember it
sex with someone who doesn’t remember it
sex with someone who doesn’t remember it the next day do you want to not remember
the next day do you want to not remember
the next day do you want to not remember it the next day do you want to be
it the next day do you want to be
it the next day do you want to be someone’s regret or someone’s I did it
someone’s regret or someone’s I did it
someone’s regret or someone’s I did it just so I could get out of there
just so I could get out of there
just so I could get out of there or wouldn’t you rather be someone’s
or wouldn’t you rather be someone’s
or wouldn’t you rather be someone’s enthusiastic yes with this the entire
enthusiastic yes with this the entire
enthusiastic yes with this the entire conversation changed it got much more
conversation changed it got much more
conversation changed it got much more open much more honest much more
open much more honest much more
open much more honest much more authentic much more vulnerable it turns
authentic much more vulnerable it turns
authentic much more vulnerable it turns out that initially the thing that was
out that initially the thing that was
out that initially the thing that was wrong was me I was giving these kids a
wrong was me I was giving these kids a
wrong was me I was giving these kids a map and pointing out all the skate scary
map and pointing out all the skate scary
map and pointing out all the skate scary and dangerous places and forgetting to
and dangerous places and forgetting to
and dangerous places and forgetting to talk about the wonderful places the
talk about the wonderful places the
talk about the wonderful places the amazing places the awkward places the
amazing places the awkward places the
amazing places the awkward places the beautiful places it was time to reframe
beautiful places it was time to reframe
beautiful places it was time to reframe this whole conversation we are living in
this whole conversation we are living in
this whole conversation we are living in a world that uses shame as a shield and
a world that uses shame as a shield and
a world that uses shame as a shield and it’s not working by only talking to our
it’s not working by only talking to our
it’s not working by only talking to our kids about the dangers of sexual
kids about the dangers of sexual
kids about the dangers of sexual violence we are leaving girls feeling
violence we are leaving girls feeling
violence we are leaving girls feeling afraid and boys feeling indicted we need
afraid and boys feeling indicted we need
afraid and boys feeling indicted we need to give our kids the chance to explore
to give our kids the chance to explore
to give our kids the chance to explore their own sexual curiosity and we need
their own sexual curiosity and we need
their own sexual curiosity and we need to guide them through this very
to guide them through this very
to guide them through this very complicated modern sexual world we need
complicated modern sexual world we need
complicated modern sexual world we need to try transparency and honesty and non
to try transparency and honesty and non
to try transparency and honesty and non judgment and vulnerability but we keep
judgment and vulnerability but we keep
judgment and vulnerability but we keep messing this up we put sex in this
messing this up we put sex in this
messing this up we put sex in this category of risky behaviors like vaping
category of risky behaviors like vaping
category of risky behaviors like vaping and texting wonder while driving and
and texting wonder while driving and
and texting wonder while driving and sniffing glue instead of something that
sniffing glue instead of something that
sniffing glue instead of something that many of us do throughout the course of
many of us do throughout the course of
many of us do throughout the course of our lifespan further we are failing to
our lifespan further we are failing to
our lifespan further we are failing to give our kids a language around consent
give our kids a language around consent
give our kids a language around consent we are not helping them develop a voice
we are not helping them develop a voice
we are not helping them develop a voice to unapologetically own their know and
to unapologetically own their know and
to unapologetically own their know and enthusiastically declare their yes so
enthusiastically declare their yes so
enthusiastically declare their yes so how do we do this well the first thing
how do we do this well the first thing
how do we do this well the first thing is we
is we
is we to create an understanding in in small
to create an understanding in in small
to create an understanding in in small children around consent it needs to
children around consent it needs to
children around consent it needs to start young it needs to start right away
start young it needs to start right away
start young it needs to start right away they need to know about good touch and
they need to know about good touch and
they need to know about good touch and bad touch they need to know that their
bad touch they need to know that their
bad touch they need to know that their bodies are their own to make decisions
bodies are their own to make decisions
bodies are their own to make decisions about and they need to know that we are
about and they need to know that we are
about and they need to know that we are listening to them so what does this mean
listening to them so what does this mean
listening to them so what does this mean well maybe it means that when you bring
well maybe it means that when you bring
well maybe it means that when you bring your child to a big family party you
your child to a big family party you
your child to a big family party you don’t mandate that they hug and kiss
don’t mandate that they hug and kiss
don’t mandate that they hug and kiss every single person in the room maybe
every single person in the room maybe
every single person in the room maybe you if they say Oh Aunt Martha wears way
you if they say Oh Aunt Martha wears way
you if they say Oh Aunt Martha wears way too much perfume you allow that no you
too much perfume you allow that no you
too much perfume you allow that no you honor it in schools if it’s not an a
honor it in schools if it’s not an a
honor it in schools if it’s not an a safety issue maybe it means that we
safety issue maybe it means that we
safety issue maybe it means that we don’t insist on holding hands with the
don’t insist on holding hands with the
don’t insist on holding hands with the person next to us in a circle what kind
person next to us in a circle what kind
person next to us in a circle what kind of message are we sending kids if we
of message are we sending kids if we
of message are we sending kids if we tell them your bodies are your own to
tell them your bodies are your own to
tell them your bodies are your own to make a decision about but you have to
make a decision about but you have to
make a decision about but you have to hold the next person’s hand because
hold the next person’s hand because
hold the next person’s hand because that’s the nice thing this is a mixed
that’s the nice thing this is a mixed
that’s the nice thing this is a mixed message and it’s not good for kids the
message and it’s not good for kids the
message and it’s not good for kids the other thing is we need to give kids the
other thing is we need to give kids the
other thing is we need to give kids the opportunity to say yes so in my house
opportunity to say yes so in my house
opportunity to say yes so in my house that might look like this hey buddy you
that might look like this hey buddy you
that might look like this hey buddy you look kind of sad could you use a hug yes
look kind of sad could you use a hug yes
look kind of sad could you use a hug yes mom yes yes second thing we need to be
mom yes yes second thing we need to be
mom yes yes second thing we need to be advocates for comprehensive sexual
advocates for comprehensive sexual
advocates for comprehensive sexual education in our schools that means
education in our schools that means
education in our schools that means positive representation of LGBTQI youth
positive representation of LGBTQI youth
positive representation of LGBTQI youth that means information about birth
that means information about birth
that means information about birth control that means instructions on how
control that means instructions on how
control that means instructions on how to work birth control that means
to work birth control that means
to work birth control that means information about sti’s according to the
information about sti’s according to the
information about sti’s according to the Guttmacher Institute since 2006 fully 28
Guttmacher Institute since 2006 fully 28
Guttmacher Institute since 2006 fully 28 percent of girls and 35% of boys have
percent of girls and 35% of boys have
percent of girls and 35% of boys have received abstinence only sex education
received abstinence only sex education
received abstinence only sex education in school that number is appalling to me
in school that number is appalling to me
in school that number is appalling to me and absolutely unnecessary if you cannot
and absolutely unnecessary if you cannot
and absolutely unnecessary if you cannot be an advocate if you cannot make sex ad
be an advocate if you cannot make sex ad
be an advocate if you cannot make sex ad happen in your schools then you need to
happen in your schools then you need to
happen in your schools then you need to be a make it happen in your communities
be a make it happen in your communities
be a make it happen in your communities or in your places of worship and always
or in your places of worship and always
or in your places of worship and always Oh
Oh
Oh is be having these conversations in your
is be having these conversations in your
is be having these conversations in your own home third thing you need to
own home third thing you need to
own home third thing you need to acknowledge that there is not just one
acknowledge that there is not just one
acknowledge that there is not just one sex talk we don’t get to have our
sex talk we don’t get to have our
sex talk we don’t get to have our five-year-old the birds and the bees
five-year-old the birds and the bees
five-year-old the birds and the bees where do babies come from and call us
where do babies come from and call us
where do babies come from and call us good you’re not good this is an ongoing
good you’re not good this is an ongoing
good you’re not good this is an ongoing conversation and you need to continue
conversation and you need to continue
conversation and you need to continue with the conversation in every
with the conversation in every
with the conversation in every opportunity that you have so that might
opportunity that you have so that might
opportunity that you have so that might mean that when you’re driving to school
mean that when you’re driving to school
mean that when you’re driving to school and your 11 year old in the back here’s
and your 11 year old in the back here’s
and your 11 year old in the back here’s the morning DJ say something about porn
the morning DJ say something about porn
the morning DJ say something about porn as a port as apparently morning DJ’s are
as a port as apparently morning DJ’s are
as a port as apparently morning DJ’s are want to do and he says hey mom what’s
want to do and he says hey mom what’s
want to do and he says hey mom what’s porn you could turn off the radio and
porn you could turn off the radio and
porn you could turn off the radio and distract him with a discussion about
distract him with a discussion about
distract him with a discussion about dessert or you could answer the question
dessert or you could answer the question
dessert or you could answer the question you don’t have to give a full treatise
you don’t have to give a full treatise
you don’t have to give a full treatise on sex workers rights but you could
on sex workers rights but you could
on sex workers rights but you could answer the one question that is being
answer the one question that is being
answer the one question that is being asked and allow him to ask another one
asked and allow him to ask another one
asked and allow him to ask another one that’s honesty the nice thing about this
that’s honesty the nice thing about this
that’s honesty the nice thing about this ongoing conversation is if you muddle it
ongoing conversation is if you muddle it
ongoing conversation is if you muddle it the first time you’ll get a chance to do
the first time you’ll get a chance to do
the first time you’ll get a chance to do it again a few years ago my daughter
it again a few years ago my daughter
it again a few years ago my daughter asked me how exactly condoms worked so I
asked me how exactly condoms worked so I
asked me how exactly condoms worked so I got out my pad of paper and my pencil
got out my pad of paper and my pencil
got out my pad of paper and my pencil and I drew this large awkward cactus
and I drew this large awkward cactus
and I drew this large awkward cactus looking thing and she said okay thanks
looking thing and she said okay thanks
looking thing and she said okay thanks mom and it was a total disaster I’m the
mom and it was a total disaster I’m the
mom and it was a total disaster I’m the worst drawer ever I have no art skills
worst drawer ever I have no art skills
worst drawer ever I have no art skills at all so later on I’m talking to my
at all so later on I’m talking to my
at all so later on I’m talking to my community of friends about this and I
community of friends about this and I
community of friends about this and I say oh yeah it was such a mess and they
say oh yeah it was such a mess and they
say oh yeah it was such a mess and they say Krista don’t you know about the tube
say Krista don’t you know about the tube
say Krista don’t you know about the tube sock method the tube sock method I did
sock method the tube sock method I did
sock method the tube sock method I did not know about this do you all know
not know about this do you all know
not know about this do you all know about the tube sock well here we go the
about the tube sock well here we go the
about the tube sock well here we go the tube sock method how to put a condom on
tube sock method how to put a condom on
tube sock method how to put a condom on fallout4 thing we need to be as open and
fallout4 thing we need to be as open and
fallout4 thing we need to be as open and non-judgmental in these conversations
non-judgmental in these conversations
non-judgmental in these conversations with our kids as possible we need to
with our kids as possible we need to
with our kids as possible we need to acknowledge that we are
acknowledge that we are
acknowledge that we are we are not the captains of the ship who
we are not the captains of the ship who
we are not the captains of the ship who know everything we are just learning as
know everything we are just learning as
know everything we are just learning as much as they are this makes you a person
much as they are this makes you a person
much as they are this makes you a person who is safe to talk to and you won’t
who is safe to talk to and you won’t
who is safe to talk to and you won’t with your kids you want to be a safe
with your kids you want to be a safe
with your kids you want to be a safe person that they’ll talk to so if they
person that they’ll talk to so if they
person that they’ll talk to so if they tell you oh hey mom I have this crush
tell you oh hey mom I have this crush
tell you oh hey mom I have this crush instead of assuming a gender bias say oh
instead of assuming a gender bias say oh
instead of assuming a gender bias say oh really well what are they like what do
really well what are they like what do
really well what are they like what do you like about them because you’ve
you like about them because you’ve
you like about them because you’ve opened a door
opened a door
opened a door similarly if they tell you that their
similarly if they tell you that their
similarly if they tell you that their best friend is a non-binary arrow ace
best friend is a non-binary arrow ace
best friend is a non-binary arrow ace you could say oh really what’s that
you could say oh really what’s that
you could say oh really what’s that or if you know what that is you could
or if you know what that is you could
or if you know what that is you could say oh well what do you think that means
say oh well what do you think that means
say oh well what do you think that means what does that mean to you you see this
what does that mean to you you see this
what does that mean to you you see this is how we open the conversation this is
is how we open the conversation this is
is how we open the conversation this is how it keeps going it’s not yes or no
how it keeps going it’s not yes or no
how it keeps going it’s not yes or no it’s wide open finally I would like to
it’s wide open finally I would like to
it’s wide open finally I would like to acknowledge that I do understand that
acknowledge that I do understand that
acknowledge that I do understand that sometimes it’s uncomfortable to talk
sometimes it’s uncomfortable to talk
sometimes it’s uncomfortable to talk about sex that is sometimes it’s awkward
about sex that is sometimes it’s awkward
about sex that is sometimes it’s awkward and sometimes it goes really right and
and sometimes it goes really right and
and sometimes it goes really right and sometimes it goes really wrong a few
sometimes it goes really wrong a few
sometimes it goes really wrong a few months ago I had my 14 year old son in
months ago I had my 14 year old son in
months ago I had my 14 year old son in the car with me and it was just the two
the car with me and it was just the two
the car with me and it was just the two of us and this never happens there’s
of us and this never happens there’s
of us and this never happens there’s usually one other kid somewhere so I
usually one other kid somewhere so I
usually one other kid somewhere so I thought I’m gonna take this opportunity
thought I’m gonna take this opportunity
thought I’m gonna take this opportunity and I turned to him and I said hey buddy
and I turned to him and I said hey buddy
and I turned to him and I said hey buddy I just want you to know that if you have
I just want you to know that if you have
I just want you to know that if you have a wet dream it’s totally normal
a wet dream it’s totally normal
a wet dream it’s totally normal it’s very common this happens to
it’s very common this happens to
it’s very common this happens to adolescent boys all the time it is not a
adolescent boys all the time it is not a
adolescent boys all the time it is not a big deal at all just you should let me
big deal at all just you should let me
big deal at all just you should let me know because then I can make sure we get
know because then I can make sure we get
know because then I can make sure we get the laundry done so it’s not a big
the laundry done so it’s not a big
the laundry done so it’s not a big sticky mess up there for two weeks and
sticky mess up there for two weeks and
sticky mess up there for two weeks and he says yeah mom I know how to do my own
he says yeah mom I know how to do my own
he says yeah mom I know how to do my own laundry but you could just pull over
laundry but you could just pull over
laundry but you could just pull over here on the side of the road I’ll walk
here on the side of the road I’ll walk
here on the side of the road I’ll walk the rest of the way to school so you see
the rest of the way to school so you see
the rest of the way to school so you see sometimes it goes wrong and that’s
sometimes it goes wrong and that’s
sometimes it goes wrong and that’s alright as long as we’re showing up we
alright as long as we’re showing up we
alright as long as we’re showing up we show up so that we build this
show up so that we build this
show up so that we build this scaffolding however rickety it can
scaffolding however rickety it can
scaffolding however rickety it can sometimes be beneath our children so
sometimes be beneath our children so
sometimes be beneath our children so that they can lead healthy sexual lives
that they can lead healthy sexual lives
that they can lead healthy sexual lives that are rooted in open communication
that are rooted in open communication
that are rooted in open communication and enthusiastic inside
and enthusiastic inside
and enthusiastic inside thank you
thank you
thank you [Applause]
[Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
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