have you ever had that experience we had
an instant connection to someone new the
moment you met that person perhaps it
was as if you were connecting with a
friend someone you’ve known for a long
time on the other hand what about those
times you knew you were out of sync with
somebody your communication and
interaction we’re just not meshing what
if there is a way to empower these human
connections on purpose imagine allowing
your communication to become more
influential and perhaps even a little
hypnotic it’s time that we rethink
rapport rapport is defined as the
relationship between two people it’s a
positive flow of communication it’s that
feeling of harmony however it’s often
believed that if you have rapport you
have the ability to influence in sales
or business some would have you believe
that if you have rapport a person is
more likely to buy your product or your
service it’s time that we update this
thinking consider this idea a person
could be defined by having two specific
states of mind a problem state and a
solution state when they’re focused on
challenges in obstacles they’re in that
problem state and when they’re focused
on ideas strategies and outcomes there
in the solution state the fresh idea
that I suggest to you is this empower
your communication to build rapport with
that solution state and learn to
respectfully interrupt rapport with the
problem state as the strategies to build
rapport were not invented they were
discovered by tracking people who were
already in rapport with each other three
simple techniques were discovered first
of all there’s mirroring you allow your
body to move and react as if like a
mirror to that person’s physicality
there right becomes your left and as you
observe their actions you begin to move
and breathe and focus your attention at
about the same pace as if like a
mirrored reflection there’s something
hypnotic about mirroring second of all
there’s matching this is like mirror and
yet you now abandon that mirrored
concept so if they gesture with their
right arm you can also use your right
arm though take note this is not just
about movements
you can match the rhythm of their speech
the pace of their breathing as you open
up that full sensory awareness you open
up that full peripheral vision to truly
get in sync with that person in front of
you as you put these techniques to use
you empower yourself to build feelings
of rapport in your communication as
these strategies are even more subtle
and therefore even more effective as
they’re less likely to be consciously
noticed inside of these strategies is
that hypnotic ability to appeal to a
person’s subconscious processing you’re
triggering that part of their neurology
to move and behave as if that rapport
were already there
once again these techniques were not
invented they were discovered by
tracking people who were already and in
sync with each other in fact if you’re
doing it right part of your mind may be
wondering if you’re matching them or if
they’re matching you next
there’s cross matching this strategy is
so subtle as you now allow your
movements to match the style of their
physicality if they gesture with their
arm you can begin to lean in that
direction if they sit with their legs
crossed you can place one of your hands
on top of the other the idea is to match
the rhythm the style or as I would say
the flavor of their physicality
once again these techniques were not
invented they were discovered and inside
of this cross matching strategy comes
the ability to delay your matching
basically step into the mindset that
you’re building a toolbox of their
gestures their movements and specific
word choices and when the time feels
right feed them back on a delay this
delayed cross matching strategy is often
the most effective of all these
techniques however this is important
with with all of these strategies do not
mimic the person for example if they
have an accent don’t attempt to copy
their specific dialect however you can
match the musicality or pacing of their
voice again the best way to think of
this is to ask yourself what rhythm is
this person running at and then modulate
your characteristics to match theirs
this is where small talk is no longer
just small talk as there’s value in a
brief bit of light conversation it
allows you to engage in conversation
calibrate to their rhythm and then put
it to use rapport
is truly established again once you both
feel in sync each with each other if
you’re doing it right part of your mind
may be wondering if you’re matching them
or if they’re matching you inside of all
these strategies the intention is not to
trick somebody into knowing liking or
trusting you the real intention is to
build greater human connections by
stepping briefly into someone else’s
model of the world as you put these
techniques to use you empower yourself
to build feelings of rapport in your
communication to create it on purpose
rather than just wait for it to happen
as rapport is an incredibly incredibly
powerful thing in 2001 there was a study
at Brigham Young University that
demonstrated that rapport was the most
important variable in therapeutic change
work the actual techniques being used
only accounted for like 15 percent of
the therapeutic impact later in 2015 a
similar study at Manchester University
demonstrated that whatever the therapy
it was the relationship between the
practitioner and client that most
affected the positive impact of the
outcome so yes become skilled at the
techniques within your profession
yes develop mastery at the work that you
do they’ll recognise the power here
rapport has the ability to transcend
technique though not just in one-to-one
communications in therapy this also
applies to business it’s common for a
business owner to continue working with
a higher priced vendor because of that
feeling of safety and security that
comes from people that they already know
like and trust though perhaps this goes
beyond human connections think about
animal training a few years ago I had
the good fortune to visit this beautiful
wildlife habitat gorgeous day and I soon
found myself staring eye to eye with a
wolf and to my surprise this giant ball
of fur and teeth was quickly running
toward me I was frozen in terror until
that thing was licking my face like a
happy puppy these animals they’ve been
trained since birth through positive
reinforcement when the animals responded
favorably they were met with praise eye
contact and treats and when they did not
respond they were not punished they
simply received no
enforcement the wolves then became
ravenous for attention and they’ve
reverted back to following instructions
note what happened here
they built rapport in that solution
state and they respectfully interrupted
rapport in the problem state and somehow
the story of a ravenous wolf licking
directly correlates to my career as a
professional hypnotist this was the
perfect experience to transition into a
career in hypnosis of course don’t let
the word hypnosis scare you I spend a
lot of time with top performers in
business and even professional athletes
and many of these successful people
they’ve already been hypnotizing
themselves for years you probably
already do a version of it yourself you
just call it something else
create a visualization getting in the
right mental state getting in the zone
no matter what you call it it’s that
ability to purposefully get into that
desired frame of mind using this
technique builds rapport with your
solution state it produces positive
changes in your thinking it’s about
stepping in to your more empowered
future identity so now that you’re in
the zone what about communicating with
other people you know that experience
where you ask somebody a specific
question and they respond but they don’t
really answer you you ask them how would
you like things to be different or
perhaps what result would you like to
see in the coming year very often
something surprising happens they freeze
their parasympathetic nervous system
takes over their eyes begin to dart
around this is called a trans
derivational search it’s as if they’re
looking inside of their own brain for
the answer then their eyes often land up
to the left in that moment it’s as if
they’re accessing old visual memories
old pictures in their mind rather than
answer the question with the outcome
that they’d like to achieve they revert
back to a story from the past of how
things used to be rather than go with
you into that solution state they revert
back into that problem state they
respond oh it was so difficult last year
when this thing happened or oh I tried
this other approach before but that
didn’t work it’s time now to let your
communication become even more
positively influential
shift them out of the problem state and
back into the solution state this is
where it’s time to apply the strategy of
rethinking report interrupts the rhythm
that you’ve already established consider
breaking eye contact changing your space
of speech moving in some new way these
subtle shifts interrupts that pattern
that they’ve reverted to decide now to
purposefully get out of sync with that
person you’re speaking to you’ve learned
about matching consider this strategy
mismatching either feedback no energy
like the story of the wolves or
experiment with breaking the rhythms
you’ve already established here’s how
this works
once you feel out of sync that the
harmony is interrupted not necessarily
broken you can then re-engage their eye
contact step back into that rapport
state and simply ask the original
question all over again
so how would you like things to be
different magically they often begin to
respond to the desired way continue now
to match and mirror their solution state
as you focus them on their own positive
outcome establish and enhance rapport as
you focus them on the direction that
they wish to go test this out for
yourself the first time you purposefully
shift that rhythm of report back on
track in a mutually beneficial way you
will feel as if you’ve pulled off some
kind of Jedi mind trick though not just
one-to-one this also applies to group
dynamics match and mirror the energy of
a group is one United team and if they
get into that problem state mismatch the
group and then navigate them back on
track you’re building what can often be
called a bit of a propulsion system an
engine that can be used to shift energy
from one direction to another rather
than build rapport with the person or
group of people as a whole build rapport
with them in that mutual direction that
they wish to go rethink rapport and we
you [Applause]
an instant connection to someone new the
moment you met that person perhaps it
was as if you were connecting with a
friend someone you’ve known for a long
time on the other hand what about those
times you knew you were out of sync with
somebody your communication and
interaction we’re just not meshing what
if there is a way to empower these human
connections on purpose imagine allowing
your communication to become more
influential and perhaps even a little
hypnotic it’s time that we rethink
rapport rapport is defined as the
relationship between two people it’s a
positive flow of communication it’s that
feeling of harmony however it’s often
believed that if you have rapport you
have the ability to influence in sales
or business some would have you believe
that if you have rapport a person is
more likely to buy your product or your
service it’s time that we update this
thinking consider this idea a person
could be defined by having two specific
states of mind a problem state and a
solution state when they’re focused on
challenges in obstacles they’re in that
problem state and when they’re focused
on ideas strategies and outcomes there
in the solution state the fresh idea
that I suggest to you is this empower
your communication to build rapport with
that solution state and learn to
respectfully interrupt rapport with the
problem state as the strategies to build
rapport were not invented they were
discovered by tracking people who were
already in rapport with each other three
simple techniques were discovered first
of all there’s mirroring you allow your
body to move and react as if like a
mirror to that person’s physicality
there right becomes your left and as you
observe their actions you begin to move
and breathe and focus your attention at
about the same pace as if like a
mirrored reflection there’s something
hypnotic about mirroring second of all
there’s matching this is like mirror and
yet you now abandon that mirrored
concept so if they gesture with their
right arm you can also use your right
arm though take note this is not just
about movements
you can match the rhythm of their speech
the pace of their breathing as you open
up that full sensory awareness you open
up that full peripheral vision to truly
get in sync with that person in front of
you as you put these techniques to use
you empower yourself to build feelings
of rapport in your communication as
these strategies are even more subtle
and therefore even more effective as
they’re less likely to be consciously
noticed inside of these strategies is
that hypnotic ability to appeal to a
person’s subconscious processing you’re
triggering that part of their neurology
to move and behave as if that rapport
were already there
once again these techniques were not
invented they were discovered by
tracking people who were already and in
sync with each other in fact if you’re
doing it right part of your mind may be
wondering if you’re matching them or if
they’re matching you next
there’s cross matching this strategy is
so subtle as you now allow your
movements to match the style of their
physicality if they gesture with their
arm you can begin to lean in that
direction if they sit with their legs
crossed you can place one of your hands
on top of the other the idea is to match
the rhythm the style or as I would say
the flavor of their physicality
once again these techniques were not
invented they were discovered and inside
of this cross matching strategy comes
the ability to delay your matching
basically step into the mindset that
you’re building a toolbox of their
gestures their movements and specific
word choices and when the time feels
right feed them back on a delay this
delayed cross matching strategy is often
the most effective of all these
techniques however this is important
with with all of these strategies do not
mimic the person for example if they
have an accent don’t attempt to copy
their specific dialect however you can
match the musicality or pacing of their
voice again the best way to think of
this is to ask yourself what rhythm is
this person running at and then modulate
your characteristics to match theirs
this is where small talk is no longer
just small talk as there’s value in a
brief bit of light conversation it
allows you to engage in conversation
calibrate to their rhythm and then put
it to use rapport
is truly established again once you both
feel in sync each with each other if
you’re doing it right part of your mind
may be wondering if you’re matching them
or if they’re matching you inside of all
these strategies the intention is not to
trick somebody into knowing liking or
trusting you the real intention is to
build greater human connections by
stepping briefly into someone else’s
model of the world as you put these
techniques to use you empower yourself
to build feelings of rapport in your
communication to create it on purpose
rather than just wait for it to happen
as rapport is an incredibly incredibly
powerful thing in 2001 there was a study
at Brigham Young University that
demonstrated that rapport was the most
important variable in therapeutic change
work the actual techniques being used
only accounted for like 15 percent of
the therapeutic impact later in 2015 a
similar study at Manchester University
demonstrated that whatever the therapy
it was the relationship between the
practitioner and client that most
affected the positive impact of the
outcome so yes become skilled at the
techniques within your profession
yes develop mastery at the work that you
do they’ll recognise the power here
rapport has the ability to transcend
technique though not just in one-to-one
communications in therapy this also
applies to business it’s common for a
business owner to continue working with
a higher priced vendor because of that
feeling of safety and security that
comes from people that they already know
like and trust though perhaps this goes
beyond human connections think about
animal training a few years ago I had
the good fortune to visit this beautiful
wildlife habitat gorgeous day and I soon
found myself staring eye to eye with a
wolf and to my surprise this giant ball
of fur and teeth was quickly running
toward me I was frozen in terror until
that thing was licking my face like a
happy puppy these animals they’ve been
trained since birth through positive
reinforcement when the animals responded
favorably they were met with praise eye
contact and treats and when they did not
respond they were not punished they
simply received no
enforcement the wolves then became
ravenous for attention and they’ve
reverted back to following instructions
note what happened here
they built rapport in that solution
state and they respectfully interrupted
rapport in the problem state and somehow
the story of a ravenous wolf licking
directly correlates to my career as a
professional hypnotist this was the
perfect experience to transition into a
career in hypnosis of course don’t let
the word hypnosis scare you I spend a
lot of time with top performers in
business and even professional athletes
and many of these successful people
they’ve already been hypnotizing
themselves for years you probably
already do a version of it yourself you
just call it something else
create a visualization getting in the
right mental state getting in the zone
no matter what you call it it’s that
ability to purposefully get into that
desired frame of mind using this
technique builds rapport with your
solution state it produces positive
changes in your thinking it’s about
stepping in to your more empowered
future identity so now that you’re in
the zone what about communicating with
other people you know that experience
where you ask somebody a specific
question and they respond but they don’t
really answer you you ask them how would
you like things to be different or
perhaps what result would you like to
see in the coming year very often
something surprising happens they freeze
their parasympathetic nervous system
takes over their eyes begin to dart
around this is called a trans
derivational search it’s as if they’re
looking inside of their own brain for
the answer then their eyes often land up
to the left in that moment it’s as if
they’re accessing old visual memories
old pictures in their mind rather than
answer the question with the outcome
that they’d like to achieve they revert
back to a story from the past of how
things used to be rather than go with
you into that solution state they revert
back into that problem state they
respond oh it was so difficult last year
when this thing happened or oh I tried
this other approach before but that
didn’t work it’s time now to let your
communication become even more
positively influential
shift them out of the problem state and
back into the solution state this is
where it’s time to apply the strategy of
rethinking report interrupts the rhythm
that you’ve already established consider
breaking eye contact changing your space
of speech moving in some new way these
subtle shifts interrupts that pattern
that they’ve reverted to decide now to
purposefully get out of sync with that
person you’re speaking to you’ve learned
about matching consider this strategy
mismatching either feedback no energy
like the story of the wolves or
experiment with breaking the rhythms
you’ve already established here’s how
this works
once you feel out of sync that the
harmony is interrupted not necessarily
broken you can then re-engage their eye
contact step back into that rapport
state and simply ask the original
question all over again
so how would you like things to be
different magically they often begin to
respond to the desired way continue now
to match and mirror their solution state
as you focus them on their own positive
outcome establish and enhance rapport as
you focus them on the direction that
they wish to go test this out for
yourself the first time you purposefully
shift that rhythm of report back on
track in a mutually beneficial way you
will feel as if you’ve pulled off some
kind of Jedi mind trick though not just
one-to-one this also applies to group
dynamics match and mirror the energy of
a group is one United team and if they
get into that problem state mismatch the
group and then navigate them back on
track you’re building what can often be
called a bit of a propulsion system an
engine that can be used to shift energy
from one direction to another rather
than build rapport with the person or
group of people as a whole build rapport
with them in that mutual direction that
they wish to go rethink rapport and we
you [Applause]
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