average school day in the fall of 2013
when I walked back to my classroom to
find a woman standing outside my door
and she was looking around and as I
approached her she turned and said did
you know that you have a purple bubble
around your space and I said no I guess
I didn’t and so and she
toom then well she and she went on to
tell me that she had followed a group of
crows who had directed her to our school
that day and that she was grateful that
she did she said I’m familiar with these
faces familiar with these faces I’ve
worked in this school I’ve worked with
these very same students and then
something feels different here I like it
I like the way the students feel the
space feels different I want to know
exactly what’s going on I’m still not
sure who she was I said well I guess
we’re just doing some good work together
my students and I is all very well well
whatever it is it needs to extend beyond
these four walls I’m a marriage of
family counselor I’m a crisis
intervention team director and a mental
health provider I work with students in
the gym now at the judicial system and
whatever is happening here those
students they’re not ready to learn I
need them to get available to learn so
I’ll tell you what to do come up with a
timely program I’m going to shop around
for it to get it funded and then be in
touch we’ll go from there thank you so
much for letting me be in your space
today it was all so quick right that I’m
like you’re welcome and so so as she’s
leaving she turns and says it’s a funny
thing about those crows they never lead
me astray
they say well I just imagine they
wouldn’t and so so what that was for me
what that turned out to be that
interaction was an invitation for deep
reflection on what exactly it was my
students and I were doing together what
was the good work we were doing together
and and how was that impacting the
experience around us and so I sat with
that let’s see is that with that
and I said with my own experience I set
with my experience with my students and
what I realized is there was a call for
deep presence and that is one of the
most important things that I that I
could identify that my students and I
had uncovered together a comforting
presence in the way of being with one
another our students are expressing
their needs at all times we all are
actually in communication we’re
expressing our needs through our
communication however most of us are not
taught how to do that in a way that will
get those needs met so our students will
do it often through their behavior right
and then what the pressures put on
teachers we don’t always have the ears
to listen or turned on to listen to what
that need might be this being expressed
through that major disruption or even a
minor disruption even today schools and
university teacher training programs are
not training teachers on how to regulate
their own emotions as students act out
there’s what we are taught to do is to
manage behavior and so when we through
behavior modification or we’re taught
like what’s an appropriate consequence
for this behavior and who should to whom
should we send this student to deal with
this right so let’s think about behavior
when I hear misbehave right if you look
this up it says it’s a verb of a parent
or sorry of an adult especially a child
it says who fails to conduct themselves
in a way that is acceptable to others
that’s a problem right but you behave
badly right what I have learned through
my interactions with my students is is
something different about misbehavior
for me the way I define this behavior
the way I respond to it
I define it as misbehavior is pain being
expressed in appropriately with
inappropriately being defined as not
healing for the person expressing the
pain and not healing for the person to
whom the pain is being expressed this is
what I this is what that opens up a
different place in me and I don’t think
about managing that child right I think
about what we need to uncover together
through the way we are with one another
I do this by listening for the
invitations my students have taught me
there’s over the year what I’ve learned
that there are always two
leaves one invitation is for connection
one invitation is for disconnection
through deep presence whether it be
through flee develop a mindfulness
practice which I encourage mindfulness
in schools through through D presents
were able to begin to recognize those
invitations what’s there and then be
conscious and how we choose to respond I
had a student one time who went to lunch
and she saved the spot for her favorite
friend to sit down beside her and she
fought for that spot she didn’t just say
that she put her leg got fought for it
so no one else could sit there when the
friend came out she said I saved you a
spot come and sit down and the friend
said I will appear I may be not a friend
of here said not let’s sit by you and
everybody laughed right so my student
says well you’re a witch – the W plus
the B ok and so and so the support staff
students are up to my room to deal with
her behavior right and so she comes to
me and I said did you call her which no
one ever said that before whatever but
never really said that and I said I
think you did Mike and it’s okay you can
tell me no I never said that once before
I noticed an invitation there’s
something triggered in me it’s called my
ego right I was being lied to right and
so I could respond from that place and
what kind of consequence could I set
there right
maybe to have her eat lunch in the
office for the rest of the week for
lying to me
she shouldn’t be lying to me I’m her
teacher luckily I didn’t respond to that
invitation in fact I politely declined
it their invitation I did respond to was
one for connection so when she when she
said to me know I’ve never said that
before in my life I said I know it’s so
hard right now to do it but if you can
look at me I’m asking you to do it I
said you are so safe with me and I hope
that you can feel that I said I don’t
even care about the truth of what
happened there what I care about is you
what I care about is this a relationship
that we share and what I know is that
this relationship will feel satisfying
to us if we can be honest with one
another that’s the only reason I ask
what I think the honest truth is about
what happened here is that you save that
seat for that little girl and you wanted
her to sit beside you so badly and when
she didn’t and when she said she didn’t
want to sit by the length of you and
everybody laughed I think it hurts your
feelings no I didn’t hurt my feelings
she said it didn’t hurt my feelings
and I and I said do those girls
sometimes hurt people’s feelings well
sometimes I guess they hurt people’s
feelings I said I think you’re right and
I think those girls hurt your feelings
today they hurt my feelings right and so
she burst into tears right and she falls
apart right there puts her head down and
she soft and I let her sob right there
was a great pain and she yes she added
she said they hurt my feelings I’m sick
and tired of dealing with this I’ve
dealt with this since first grade I have
no friends right and so she sobbed and
sobbed and I said in presence with her
and let her purge with the big pain that
she’s been carrying around for those
last five years and then when there was
a greater availability having released
some of that we had discussions about
what might than me what might her needs
and feelings be around that experience
we even guessed at what the needs and
feelings would be with the other
students in that experience and so
through that we were able to arrive at a
greater place of compassion and a
different way to respond when those
feelings arise in us that was done
through something that I’ve also learned
with the kids is trying to create safety
in every moment safety and how they
safety and how I respond to them one way
I’ll do that is I’ll listen to myself as
I speak to them because what I have
noticed is that almost everything I’m
saying to them largely it’s for me but
to there’s some conditioning there that
I want to be very conscious of so when
I’m responding to a certain behavior or
something that something that they’ve
said to me I want to be conscious of how
I respond to them and make sure it’s my
clean and clear voice that they’re
hearing so when I respond in a way I
will pause and see who is speaking here
when I was spoken to in that I felt how
do I feel right how what did it create
when I was spoken to in this way and
what is the what did it do for our
relationship or what did it not do and
so I want to be very conscious about
what the students and I can’t do that
always in the moment right but what will
create the time for that there’s a big
issue of time in our schools there’s a
lot of talk about there’s not time for
these things I’m telling you there is
absolutely the need for time that has to
be created
it will save so much time what I have
found is that doing things like this
will
reduce the duration of outburst of
tantrum like behavior of shutdowns the
things of this nature there is time for
it there was a student in our school
been there two weeks two weeks before
and then what I did not know him but
somebody came and said he is he’s
misbehaving he’s throwing everything
he’s not he’s not doing his work right
two weeks the child had been there and
so talked to him and then when I found
out in that short talk with him is right
before school he had just been adopted
by put into foster care taken from his
mother put into foster care with another
family a new family and started a new
school where he knew no one what did we
expect what happened there except for
misbehavior right without the language
to communicate how deeply traumatic that
is and so through that interaction I
tuned in to the feeling there that I
recognized in him and the need that he
caused are able to quite express and so
I sat with him and I said you know I
opened my classroom sometimes at lunch
if you’ve got if there’s somebody you
think you might want to make a friend
here why don’t you invite them in and we
can have a lunch with him and they can
you know be in our space and I’ll show
you all the things we do in there and so
he’s done that and so this little boy
though who was it was not a behavior
problem this little boy through this
interaction was able to then get his
work done keep his head up write respond
make friends
he’s a vibrant little being who runs
around our school and that interaction
when I talk about time two weeks of
instruction was missed I had a
conversation with him for about 15
minutes to find out what was going on
and then we came up with something that
could make him feel safe so safety in
every moment is what we’re going after
there when we approach when we encounter
resistance there’s something there to be
had into the you to be felt to be seen
to be understood I approach resistance I
try to listen for that invitation to
raise curiosity and creativity when
resistance comes up so for example in a
mindfulness lesson with my student
whenever he says you know this is stupid
and I’m not doing it right the
resistance was there
I could either said I put you know a
consequence for him have him removed or
something
what I wanted to do what I did is
responded with curiosity and creativity
because what I have learned in my own
life is that I am often most resistant
to the one thing that I need the most
right so the one thing that might help
me the most this kid who was talking
about this just happened to be my most
impulsive kid who was kicked out of his
regular ed classes often and so we got
creative and we started and I said
because he lived for recess loved it and
so I said hey buddy has like how about
you and I 30 seconds 30 seconds closed
eye meditation extra minute of recess
deal yeah yeah okay so so so we did that
and then we ended up going back to five
seconds to ten seconds to 20 seconds
right and he said I feel like I’m
crawling out of my body and when he did
we explored that right with curiosity
where in your body do you feel that what
does it feel like can you begin to name
it and as he began to watch it he began
to grow up his capacity to be with
himself right he began to grow up his
capacity to to notice the invitations of
his own that were coming up that he was
so often just blazing through and
reacting to through impulsive behavior
what happened with him is he was able to
return to his regular classroom
participate more for longer durations of
time in in the classroom with his peers
and have a greater education through
that constructing identities is
something I want to strongly encourage
and whatever capacity we work with
anybody or in relationship to anybody
our children are building their
identities right before our eyes they’re
building their identities and they’re
building their memories and we get to
participate in that think about that
that is a precious gift that it’s been
bestowed on us to participate in someone
memories there’s a grand responsibility
and so when I’m with them I watched the
their build their little identities
right and mostly I just take joy in it
but I do make it take to make a special
effort to interrupt identities that
don’t support their wholeness if I see a
kid in a process I’ll sit with them all
day right well we can get through the
process if I watch you in a pattern
patience is going to wear right I’m not
going to sit for that for very low right
so we’re going to interrupt some
patterns there and
and this was from something that I
needed in my own childhood there’s this
picture here of a school I’ve marked
safe danger danger
as a child about being a queer kid and
at a conservative school recess was
terrifying so I stood right here where I
could see where everybody was no one
could hurt me that way right because I
could run if they came towards me but
somebody did come towards me an item
missed it I still don’t how I missed it
came towards me and ran at me and hit me
so hard on my arm I thought it had broke
and I’ve never been punched that way
right and so he he punched me and I I
gasped and I but I couldn’t say I had to
say face right I couldn’t respond is
that the way my body was asking for the
response to the response my body was
requesting right and so I tried to laugh
it off inside now right and so and I did
right and so when I went back into class
I had a test coming up next and so when
I sat down to take that test I who had
always been a pretty good student very
kind in school groep this across my test
and flipped to the desk right so who I
was right or it was that with who I was
er I was responding to something that
had happened her and without the ability
to express those feelings I built
something an identity that day I
swallowed something that day and I watch
for my children to make sure that they
don’t swallow the same type of things
there’s a great lie of our time that we
are unworthy that there is the we are
not enough it is the great poison of our
time and we’re invited to drink it all
the time in that moment I drank it and
it took me years to impac it still
working on it to be injured to be
truthful in that moment I swallowed a
belief that I was not worthy of being
safe that there was something wrong with
me that they were right me playing with
dolls and being effeminate like it was
absolutely not okay
and I was not worthy of safety right it
took so I watched that with my students
I want to be very conscious about the
identities they built when one of my
students came back with his behavior log
from being in his class and it said that
he had said something on there he was a
good-hearted wonderful kid and he came
in and what they had written that he had
said was so
vulgar I won’t repeat it but it took my
I just didn’t I’ve never heard anything
like that from him so I like I’m like a
buddy come in can’t be that bad let me
see what is it so he hands me his point
sheet right hands up to me and I look
and I didn’t mean to shame him I’ll tell
you right now as I’m standing here it
just kind of caught me off guard and so
I know it’s not like you know he said no
and I watched him dope and gulp and I
said no i was like don’t you do that
don’t you swallow that i was like that
is that is poison don’t you swallow your
spit it out i said honey this is
something that you did it is not
something that you are I know your heart
right I know your heart this is
something that you did it is not
something that you are do not get this
confused and we can learn from this you
know and so we did I watched their
identities I try to create opportunities
for them to be celebrated to have people
and their families celebrated and
recognized we go around sharing those
with students create special
opportunities things that are important
for him and I’ve got a video of him
saying this is the best day of my life
that’s what I love that’s a memory I
love that we’re creating power of
reflection I want my students to be able
to reflect why one for the information
it will provide them that they can tune
in to the big power that they have
that’s available to them at all times
the power that we don’t talk about right
no one told me in that moment or the
when I was being bullied or something in
school no one told me you have power
that doesn’t that these people can’t
touch right and so I want to make sure I
do that with my students we do an
activity called you probably didn’t know
and so you probably didn’t know this
activity we go through a guided
meditation and what I am trying to get
through this is I want them to honor
that they have been seen but they don’t
really have the language always to go
through and talk about like if I say
like tell me about time you’ve been seen
it’s difficult at times for them and
that’s a it’s a little bit too personal
too vulnerable and so we go into
meditation when we talk about and I say
then you know imagine a time when you
felt safe and loved or cared for or
supported or just really excited and
I’ll say let your mind go back a little
bit and
take a look to see who was involved in
that experience with you and how did
they contribute to the feelings that you
had that day how are they using their
energy in a way that contributed to that
feeling and when they come out then we
take a moment and we write down on a
letter you probably didn’t know that
when you blink
I felt blank and so and then we try to
thank you and we send that out here are
some examples dear mr. G you probably
didn’t know that when you taught me how
to to do math it made me feel like I
belong in this scary world and that gets
me because I know the scary world that
he was living in at the time and
anything that can make him feel safe in
a scary world I was very happy about
this one right here tune into this part
this is the this is a third grader they
these children they have the ability to
reflect and to learn from the reflection
and I tell you they’re not given time in
schools I’m in school every day they’re
not invited to tune into their own
information it is about teaching
something and then saying it back maybe
explore their own thinking through that
particular subject but coming in and
being invited to share something that
they have learned along their journey if
I can’t recognize when it happens if it
is I love this part mr. Arnold you
treated me better than I treated you I
want to say I’m sorry for not giving you
more respect I know you’ve always been
there for me third grade child could
reflect and do this I did not coach him
I do not prompt them beyond thinking
about a time no prompting didn’t have to
be school I asked him to think about a
time when he felt safe he said you
probably didn’t know this but when you
gave me those tree nuts when I was
hungry that morning it made me feel like
there was no other teacher like you you
were like some super teacher those teeth
yes most teachers someone who said sorry
you’re hungry but you cared for my
hunger and caring as a true superpower
right when he sent this recognized that
as an invitation for connection right
this childhood give such grief to that
teacher you know and resisting
everything that she’s trying to teach
him in that moment there was an
invitation for connection and she met
him there and their relationship began
to improve and they were able to
recognize when when they were seen okay
and and so because you can’t do this
activity
without honoring that you’ve been seeing
whether you consciously do it or not
perhaps the most touching one for me I
worked with the group of students and he
one of the students very it was gang
gang a really tough exterior right and
his whole positioning was I don’t care I
don’t give out anything or anybody right
and so we did this activity when I did
it all the kids in the in the middle
school they had talked about in
elementary school experience but over
the problems they were having were in
middle school said let’s go back in our
memory let’s try to let’s do this
through middle school experience and he
was like no at that forget it
there’s nobody nobody I don’t trust them
I’m not doing it and I said what come on
in two years you’ve been there no one’s
shown you a moment kind of give me one
just go in briefly and if it doesn’t
work out we’ll come right back out and
so before we could even finish the
meditation he came out and he said I got
it I got it he was like mr. Hagelin mr.
Hagelin and he said mr. Hagman when the
other teachers found out I was part of
the gang I felt that they treated me
brutally but you didn’t you treated me
with kindness and respect you probably
didn’t know that when you said if you
need anything you can come to me that I
believed you you probably didn’t know
that I believed you let me tell you
about this student after this will you
give him all stationery and colorful
sharpies and I hand them the box of
sharpies to pick from and they and they
write this letter to their to their
teacher to their or whoever it is they
pick this student who doesn’t care about
anything as he says right when I came
around with the sharpies he said to
himself I wonder what his favorite color
is right that’s huge
it’s a testimony to when they’re held in
safety when they’re held in love when
each of us is held in safety and in love
we care so much down to the color of the
pen that we’re writing to the person you
know that’s going to receive it and what
their favorite color might be a top of
my students about sharing their power
about keeping their power we don’t talk
about behavior in our room we talk about
how we use our energy do we use our
energy so in ways that serve us or
anyone in ways that don’t service I
don’t decide that for them they’re the
ones that decide it and then we explore
from there if we want to continue to
create that experience or if
an experience we want to change for
ourselves and then we explore the ways
to do that I encourage them keep your
power share it share it but don’t give
it away and watch for opportunities when
you’re invited to I’m going to move
through this to get us through right
here one of my students haha ugly ah
right here my power belongs to me right
when touching her that day gifting what
we needed what I encourage is for all of
us through deep presence deep reflection
to tune in and tune into our experience
and gift and figure out what was it that
we needed in a time that we felt safe
and loved and supported what did we need
and how it may be how may we begin to
gift that to the people that were
interacting with our students will
benefit from that it will be healing for
us I know from experience there was a
teacher my in my life who at a time
where I didn’t feel it was safe to be
seen because when I was seen I was met
with persecution I was spit on beaten in
schools right in and it communicated to
me it was not safe to be seen but there
was one teacher who did something so
simple all she did was ask me how are
you but it wasn’t about her words it
never is it was about the place from
what she was operating is there the
energy with which she was speaking to me
I felt that right and even though I
couldn’t receive it right then it stuck
with me and what I interact with my
students I make sure that I’m operating
from that place that they will feel the
energy with which I speak when I hear
when I say to them you are precious and
good
I want that she felt deeply in them when
I say to them like you’re safe with me
it is safe to show up who and how you
are right when I celebrate them I wanted
that to be with the energy with that
they can feel it’s a powerful way of
being and it will have a positive impact
on our students what might the effects
of be I can tell you what they are what
I’ve seen through data I’ve collected
myself and in my classroom I’ve seen
students improve their academic
performance go from fourth grade not
reading not knowing their letter sounds
to sixth grade reading eighty-eight
words for me that’s still below grade
level but a huge jump from not knowing
letter sounds at all I’ve seen improved
student behavior to where they can go
and return to their class
shrooms improved attendance showing up
more because they feel safer there and
there’s a place for them to be increased
time in their regular classrooms we have
a behavior unit and and so increase
times back there more meaningful
relationships and their talents and
gifts become more evident because it
becomes a safe place for them to share
them students showing up is what will
happen showing up a ways that they
didn’t know they could showing up in
ways I didn’t know they could right
what an exciting time that is to explore
and expand and work together to create
this possibility space of what is
possible for me it’s a privilege we have
as teachers and that’s a privilege I
take very seriously navigating our own
powerful journeys however you are
reimagined learning and whatever city do
I hope that we can be conscious of the
memories we make with others through
mindfulness and mindfulness
there was a call for deep reflection and
a call for presence and to tune into our
own inner resources our students need
that we need it that was my intention
for us may we restore connection and
remain connected to our wholeness
through restorative practices instead of
punishment may we get rid of that whole
idea and let me Baili begin to work with
restore restorative practices to repair
relationships not only with anyone who
may be hurt but with ourselves restore
that connection to our wholeness and may
our greatest measure of success ever be
the amount of compassion that we’re able
to offer ourselves and to others in any
given moment
those are my wishes for us today and I
appreciate oh and one more that you
always follow the credits all right
thanks so much appreciate it you