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Rediscovering Hope Through Self-Forgiveness | Billy Johnson | TEDxDonovanCorrectional


[Music]
[Applause]
I’m a little nervous I’ve never spoken
like this before in front of positive
people I used to speak to negative
people about negative things but I never
really gave positive advice over the
last 26 years I buried myself in this
coffin for some things I’ve done today I
would like to share with you a part of
me that has returned a part of me I’ve
rediscovered how many people know a
person who’s in the dark place but can’t
seem to find that light I want to take
you back to my childhood it was good
growing up as a kid I had dreams I
remember when I first started playing
sports I was just nine years old
I played tiny my football for the LA
demos put in that uniform won for the
first time helmet shoulder pads made me
feel special I mean there wasn’t
anything I couldn’t do on the field that
year we went on to win a championship
that year gave me the confidence to
believe in myself we won the next four
out of five championships but was funny
about that all six coaches I had told me
that I was a leader and that I was
special at the time I didn’t know what
they meant I thought they were just
talking my first year of high school I
wanted to make an impact my high school
hasn’t made two playoffs in eight
seasons I believe that I can get to
school back on track we made it to the
playoffs with a winning record the very
next season the first game I remember
this play as if it was yesterday
we were playing Dorsey high school we
were down by four points with about
three minutes left during the game
Dorsey was about to punt the ball from
their 30-yard line I asked the coach to
let me catch the punt
I wasn’t a regular punt returner but I
promised him that I would get it near
the end zone or in the end zone my coach
had faith in me I crossed that punt and
I ran 70 yards for the touchdown one of
the most amazing runs I have ever done
in my life
my teammates went crazy when I got home
it felt as though my dreams and goals
but within reach this is what I wanted
to do play football I believed in my
ability on the field that season coaches
from different universities was scouting
me but later that season I made some
choices that changed my life and
destroyed my dreams I was selling drugs
on the side see in my world football man
selling drugs
I knew this drug dealer named Jimmy one
day I went to his apartment complex I
knocked on the door I even looked in the
window no one was home so I broke in and
I stole his stash the drugs and money I
thought no one had seen me but I guess
someone did because Jimmy asked me about
his drugs several times over the next
four or five months but I’ve always told
him I don’t know what you’re talking
about
months later I’m in Minnesota and I get
this phone call from my mother she’s
crying and she’s saying they killed him
they killed him
I said who she says Sherman my life
stopped I couldn’t move I was paralyzed
for those 15 seconds I fell dead Sherman
was my younger brother he meant the
world to me he was my best friend and
biggest fan
I caught a flight back home I went to
the hospital I saw my mother I hugged
her until we left when I got home my
cousin Johan told me who shot and killed
Sherman it was Jimmy Jimmy disappeared
because he killed my brother for the
drugs and money I stole months later I
heard he was back in town I went looking
for him I saw him in front of his own
house I went around the back I hopped
this gate I was coming around the side
of the building but as I was passing
this window I saw this little girl she
was about five or six years old for a
moment we made eye contact but I kept
going to the front in the moment I saw
Jimmy
I walked up on him and I shot and I
killed him I came to prison what a dork
heart I lost the ability to believe in
myself so four years in prison
I acted up I was impulsive and I didn’t
care what happened to me I was an empty
shell that was buried in a coffin a lie
prison could be a dark place people want
people to hurt because they heard I
heard it inside my first 20 years in
prison
that was a mess I’m slowly trying to put
the pieces of my life back in place at
moments I still feel pain but my faith
in God drives me every day and being
able to dig deep beyond the surface to
find this light of self forgiveness
it’s the most rewarding feeling you can
feel three years ago I woke up early one
morning I cut my TV on this commercial a
st. Jude Children’s Hospital commercial
watching this little girl’s eyes
reminded me of the little girl I saw
that day in the window every time I saw
that commercial my heart opened up those
moments gave me the motivation to find
self forgiveness in my life that little
girl from st. Jews was my life switch
she touched a place in my heart that I
knew I had to get involved with there’s
nothing more rewarding and satisfying
than giving someone a hand being a
partner with Saint Jews makes me feel
special knowing that I am able to reach
out and help others and possibly save
lives
my brother Sherman and my cousin Johann
will be proud of me today
for the person who I have become I’m
reaching places inside of me that was
unseen by the naked eye I now know our
true journey in life as human beings has
a deeper meaning and a deeper calling to
feel passionate about something you
believe in it first starts with self
forgiveness and the ability to believe
in yourself I’m able to stand here today
because of all the people who believed
in me to share my story I crawled out of
that dark coffin because if a little
girl can smile and have so much life in
her eyes and be strong through dark
times so can i my strength plus her
strength equals self forgiveness for me
we all can reach that journey in our
lives if you know someone who lives
within their own prison of pain shame
you’ll show them me show them this TEDx
let them see that I found my life switch
and there’s a light switch in each and
every one of us a great man once said
death isn’t the greatest tragedy in life
the greatest tragedy in life is what
dies in us while we are still alive so I
asked all of you to continue to show
compassion and lend a hand and never
look down on anyone unless you’re
helping them up thank you
[Applause]
you
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