Oh
[Applause]
[Music]
for some people depression isn’t
something you just get over you can’t
expect one giant leap to get you well
and then you stay well if you start out
with this expectation you can end up
with fear or guilt that you didn’t do
everything right and that just adds to
the weight the depressed person is
carrying and they’re already carrying
enough it’s like that ridiculous phrase
what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
I suppose it’s okay for those it works
for but for me it’s the closest I ever
want to be to being kicked when I’m down
because it’s saying not only did this
thing almost kill you it didn’t and now
in addition to climbing out of that pit
you need to fill it in and climb higher
no yes no I was so disoriented from my
depression from the ground falling out
from under my feet it took me a long
time to see what was still working how
to regain my footing noticing was a
process it was a juggling act and
eventually I came up with a progression
it goes like this competency failure
mindfulness courage to me these are the
stepping stones away from depression and
toward health or out of the depression
like I have because every depression is
as different as the person who carries
it now when I say depression I’m not
talking about a synonym or a hyperbole
of sad I’m not talking about the
opposite of happy or a mood you shift in
or out of I like to describe depression
as
a check engine light on the human body
it tells you something is wrong
sometimes severely wrong but it doesn’t
give you any more information it’s an
inability of pulling in look at it this
way imagine you’re a police officer and
you are interrupting an attack you and
your partner pull the assailant kicking
and punching off of his victim and then
you turn to the man on the ground
assuming he’s still conscious what
position is he in something curled in
self-protective making himself a smaller
target protecting his vital organs it’s
instinct it’s a natural defensive
posture and this is what is happening in
the psyche during depression a pulling
in a making smaller you can’t do trauma
therapy with people who are still being
traumatized and in a similar way you
can’t expect a person who is depressed
to stop being depressed if the
conditions that led to it are unchanged
my personhood and identity were under
attack at my worst I feared abandonment
while craving isolation I wanted I
wanted to prove that I could live
without these people who weren’t taking
care of me and I want a few people to
take care of I was afraid of
disappointing these people I was afraid
of disappointing me and I was exhausted
we have to be so careful when we’re
talking about building capacity with
depressed people it’s useless and
bordering on cruel to just tell it a
press person to try harder try harder is
not encouraging it is not moving the
depressed person toward courage it is an
indictment
it is a scold depression drains you and
you’re not going to be able to try
anything without some kind of infusion
of
gee and hope because you have to believe
that what you’re doing is gonna make a
difference
building capacity with the depressed is
not about becoming more it’s about
becoming your true self your full self
and it’s about letting go of ideas or
behaviors that entrap or constrain you
I’ve read it’s true children and I’ve
never outgrown it to be effective we
need something we do well a place of
competency it’s an anchor in a starting
place for exploring the world and it’s a
fortress to return to when the new or
the unexpected overwhelms mine is
writing I can’t tell you how many times
over the years I have had this need to
write keyboard paper it doesn’t matter
and most people don’t seem to understand
I barely understand except I know the
relief I feel once I have written I
eventually made the connection that
writing being my place of competency
built my confidence and confidence was a
way to gather energy writing anchored me
and kept me as level as I was it was a
way to connect with God it was a
connection to other people it was a way
to name things that needed naming before
I could deal with them in real life I
like to define courage this ideal of
health that I’m striving for in two
parts there is this awareness of risk or
danger and a willingness to endure it to
push through despite the danger
competency is a stepping stone to
courage because it means that this
decision is a little less crazy it’s a
little more doable we’re not slinging
ourselves naked into the void we have
this strong rope and a harness we bring
skill and hope and expectation into the
decision to act
unfortunately at some point I picked up
a really twisted sense of checks and
balances I refuse to let go of this
strength but as a result I felt that I
needed to equally own my weaknesses my
brokenness it’s only fair so that meant
that anything critical someone so wanted
to sit someone wanted to say to me I’d
take it this litany of my faults and my
flaws and I just heard these things on
loop in my head one of the most
insidious things about depression is
that it creates the environment in which
it is most likely to thrive isolation
confusion and often destructive thinking
one form of destructive thinking is this
thing called rumination it’s fixating on
negative thoughts or problems to the
point that they interrupt your life now
we all know that thinking about our
problems is an important way of solving
them but there is a point of diminishing
returns
rumination takes our loose thoughts and
winds them up together into a tangled
almost tangible mass that adds to the
weight we’re carrying in depression so I
heard these words and I took them cruel
words Reeb a turing my bruised heart
until one day I was washing dishes this
flow of words was suddenly interrupted
and I heard this question that I still
wonder might have been from the heart of
God and it asked me if I would speak
this way to my sweet friend Jana and of
course my mind instantly replayed what
it had been playing and I was horrified
tears running down my face no never
she’s too good she’s too fragile she’s
too precious all of my protective love
rose up in sorrow that she’d be so
abused
I started reframing how how it could be
said differently and then wondering if
it even needed
he said at all and the next question was
then why speak to any of my children
that way because I am one of these love
children of God and this is when I began
to understand the destructive power of
rumination there was grace margin
acceptance of imperfection for everyone
but me somehow I was supposed to be good
enough that I didn’t need it
ever since then if correction doesn’t
come with gentleness I have a free pass
to ignore it
the God I know my source of love and
correction doesn’t need cruelty to teach
me this understanding tumbled me to the
next step and it made me laugh a little
bit because on paper it’s the opposite
of the competency I found so valuable
I call it failure and my favorite way to
describe this stepping stone is by man
named GK Chesterton who wrote if the
thing is worth doing it is worth doing
badly and it was permission to do what I
loved whatever level I was at I began to
give enjoyment more of a deciding vote
I used my limited energy to make sure
every day contained light and beauty and
that sustained my energy I found writing
friends who were proud of my writing
that was something I could do without
trying harder I just showed up at writer
events and met people I clicked with
writing connected my inner world my mind
my imagination to my body because that’s
what did the writing to supportive
relationships it was the first time I
realized how integrated all of me is
what accepting failure let me do was to
separate myself a bit from this
imperative of figuring everything out I
shifted my focus away from the things I
didn’t know and managed my limited
energy by limiting what I focused on
I picked relationships writing and
healthy food now accepting failure
builds into this courage the same way
that competency did it makes failure it
makes courage a less crazy thing to lean
into that bottomless pit that I’ve been
fearing isn’t quite bottomless so by
limiting what I focused on I limited my
risk but I also was able to look
straight at what was building my energy
what was helping me to become more of
who I was I focused on relationships
meaning I spent time with people who
valued me who genuinely liked me and I
leaned into writing because I knew it
was so strong it was the healthy eating
part that ended up surprising me and
linking me the rest of the way to
courage in ways I hadn’t anticipated now
a while back I stopped eating gluten and
soy ingredients for reasons having
nothing to do with my depression for one
thing I don’t get migraines when I don’t
eat soy and that’s highly motivating but
eliminating two of the most common
ingredients in modern society meant that
I was stuck making most of my food from
scratch completely by accident i
discovered mindfulness now mindfulness
is something the scientific community
has studied for a couple of decades now
it’s an ancient traditional art that is
frequently described as a focus on
stillness and breath and there is a lot
of research about how mindfulness is
very effective in managing depression
and I skimmed that research and
my massive amounts of reading but I
never really took the time to be still
except for the last 10 seconds of maybe
a microwave cup of tea or cocoa when I
didn’t want to be racing off somewhere
else
10 seconds I’d stand there breathing
deep and slow and I could tell the
difference and it was nice but I never
took any more time except I did in all
of these different resources mindfulness
was described in a similar way the short
version is paying attention in the
moment in the moment throughout hours of
cumulative chopping I insisted on sharp
knives sharp knives are remarkably
motivating when it comes to paying
attention in the moment I was practicing
and still practice a rather intense form
of mindfulness that I never read about
in one of those books but I can tell the
way it settles me and orders my thinking
now I’ve been talking about courage in
these two parts it was very early in my
depression that I realized I was already
enduring consciously enduring because no
matter how low I was I had three
dependent kids and they needed me
mindfulness took me the rest of the way
to this health I call courage because
was that becoming aware part if you
don’t know what you’re agreeing to it
can’t really count as courage even if a
risk is as under epic as disappointing
someone or risking rejection it still
creates fear that I must endure I must
face in order to be my most effective
but all this I understood far after the
fact my competency in writing accepting
failure without ruminating on it
discovering mindfulness through sharp
knives and microwave countdowns these
things all
pulled me thread by thread out of this
tight ball and wound myself into there’s
a man named Rushworth Kidder who wrote a
book called moral courage where he takes
the two-part definition and adds a third
element driving principles this is the
this is the motivation this is the why
we choose to endure what we are enduring
am i learning how to fail am i learning
to value myself based on how much I
valued other people this shaped the
third component of my growing courage
now I can’t say I was thinking much
about courage in the early years of this
fight but after seven years and still
facing depression sometimes I realized
that I’m no longer seeing depression as
this huge and amorphous blob that pushes
me under and makes me fear all drown I
push back against isolation against
negative attitudes against immobility
and I focus on this place of value I am
valuable before God to my friends my
family to myself I don’t focus on all
the against I think about my favorite
definition of hope the assurance that
now is not permanent and I focus on what
I am pursuing I am pursuing courage
thank
you
[Applause]
[Applause]
[Music]
for some people depression isn’t
something you just get over you can’t
expect one giant leap to get you well
and then you stay well if you start out
with this expectation you can end up
with fear or guilt that you didn’t do
everything right and that just adds to
the weight the depressed person is
carrying and they’re already carrying
enough it’s like that ridiculous phrase
what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
I suppose it’s okay for those it works
for but for me it’s the closest I ever
want to be to being kicked when I’m down
because it’s saying not only did this
thing almost kill you it didn’t and now
in addition to climbing out of that pit
you need to fill it in and climb higher
no yes no I was so disoriented from my
depression from the ground falling out
from under my feet it took me a long
time to see what was still working how
to regain my footing noticing was a
process it was a juggling act and
eventually I came up with a progression
it goes like this competency failure
mindfulness courage to me these are the
stepping stones away from depression and
toward health or out of the depression
like I have because every depression is
as different as the person who carries
it now when I say depression I’m not
talking about a synonym or a hyperbole
of sad I’m not talking about the
opposite of happy or a mood you shift in
or out of I like to describe depression
as
a check engine light on the human body
it tells you something is wrong
sometimes severely wrong but it doesn’t
give you any more information it’s an
inability of pulling in look at it this
way imagine you’re a police officer and
you are interrupting an attack you and
your partner pull the assailant kicking
and punching off of his victim and then
you turn to the man on the ground
assuming he’s still conscious what
position is he in something curled in
self-protective making himself a smaller
target protecting his vital organs it’s
instinct it’s a natural defensive
posture and this is what is happening in
the psyche during depression a pulling
in a making smaller you can’t do trauma
therapy with people who are still being
traumatized and in a similar way you
can’t expect a person who is depressed
to stop being depressed if the
conditions that led to it are unchanged
my personhood and identity were under
attack at my worst I feared abandonment
while craving isolation I wanted I
wanted to prove that I could live
without these people who weren’t taking
care of me and I want a few people to
take care of I was afraid of
disappointing these people I was afraid
of disappointing me and I was exhausted
we have to be so careful when we’re
talking about building capacity with
depressed people it’s useless and
bordering on cruel to just tell it a
press person to try harder try harder is
not encouraging it is not moving the
depressed person toward courage it is an
indictment
it is a scold depression drains you and
you’re not going to be able to try
anything without some kind of infusion
of
gee and hope because you have to believe
that what you’re doing is gonna make a
difference
building capacity with the depressed is
not about becoming more it’s about
becoming your true self your full self
and it’s about letting go of ideas or
behaviors that entrap or constrain you
I’ve read it’s true children and I’ve
never outgrown it to be effective we
need something we do well a place of
competency it’s an anchor in a starting
place for exploring the world and it’s a
fortress to return to when the new or
the unexpected overwhelms mine is
writing I can’t tell you how many times
over the years I have had this need to
write keyboard paper it doesn’t matter
and most people don’t seem to understand
I barely understand except I know the
relief I feel once I have written I
eventually made the connection that
writing being my place of competency
built my confidence and confidence was a
way to gather energy writing anchored me
and kept me as level as I was it was a
way to connect with God it was a
connection to other people it was a way
to name things that needed naming before
I could deal with them in real life I
like to define courage this ideal of
health that I’m striving for in two
parts there is this awareness of risk or
danger and a willingness to endure it to
push through despite the danger
competency is a stepping stone to
courage because it means that this
decision is a little less crazy it’s a
little more doable we’re not slinging
ourselves naked into the void we have
this strong rope and a harness we bring
skill and hope and expectation into the
decision to act
unfortunately at some point I picked up
a really twisted sense of checks and
balances I refuse to let go of this
strength but as a result I felt that I
needed to equally own my weaknesses my
brokenness it’s only fair so that meant
that anything critical someone so wanted
to sit someone wanted to say to me I’d
take it this litany of my faults and my
flaws and I just heard these things on
loop in my head one of the most
insidious things about depression is
that it creates the environment in which
it is most likely to thrive isolation
confusion and often destructive thinking
one form of destructive thinking is this
thing called rumination it’s fixating on
negative thoughts or problems to the
point that they interrupt your life now
we all know that thinking about our
problems is an important way of solving
them but there is a point of diminishing
returns
rumination takes our loose thoughts and
winds them up together into a tangled
almost tangible mass that adds to the
weight we’re carrying in depression so I
heard these words and I took them cruel
words Reeb a turing my bruised heart
until one day I was washing dishes this
flow of words was suddenly interrupted
and I heard this question that I still
wonder might have been from the heart of
God and it asked me if I would speak
this way to my sweet friend Jana and of
course my mind instantly replayed what
it had been playing and I was horrified
tears running down my face no never
she’s too good she’s too fragile she’s
too precious all of my protective love
rose up in sorrow that she’d be so
abused
I started reframing how how it could be
said differently and then wondering if
it even needed
he said at all and the next question was
then why speak to any of my children
that way because I am one of these love
children of God and this is when I began
to understand the destructive power of
rumination there was grace margin
acceptance of imperfection for everyone
but me somehow I was supposed to be good
enough that I didn’t need it
ever since then if correction doesn’t
come with gentleness I have a free pass
to ignore it
the God I know my source of love and
correction doesn’t need cruelty to teach
me this understanding tumbled me to the
next step and it made me laugh a little
bit because on paper it’s the opposite
of the competency I found so valuable
I call it failure and my favorite way to
describe this stepping stone is by man
named GK Chesterton who wrote if the
thing is worth doing it is worth doing
badly and it was permission to do what I
loved whatever level I was at I began to
give enjoyment more of a deciding vote
I used my limited energy to make sure
every day contained light and beauty and
that sustained my energy I found writing
friends who were proud of my writing
that was something I could do without
trying harder I just showed up at writer
events and met people I clicked with
writing connected my inner world my mind
my imagination to my body because that’s
what did the writing to supportive
relationships it was the first time I
realized how integrated all of me is
what accepting failure let me do was to
separate myself a bit from this
imperative of figuring everything out I
shifted my focus away from the things I
didn’t know and managed my limited
energy by limiting what I focused on
I picked relationships writing and
healthy food now accepting failure
builds into this courage the same way
that competency did it makes failure it
makes courage a less crazy thing to lean
into that bottomless pit that I’ve been
fearing isn’t quite bottomless so by
limiting what I focused on I limited my
risk but I also was able to look
straight at what was building my energy
what was helping me to become more of
who I was I focused on relationships
meaning I spent time with people who
valued me who genuinely liked me and I
leaned into writing because I knew it
was so strong it was the healthy eating
part that ended up surprising me and
linking me the rest of the way to
courage in ways I hadn’t anticipated now
a while back I stopped eating gluten and
soy ingredients for reasons having
nothing to do with my depression for one
thing I don’t get migraines when I don’t
eat soy and that’s highly motivating but
eliminating two of the most common
ingredients in modern society meant that
I was stuck making most of my food from
scratch completely by accident i
discovered mindfulness now mindfulness
is something the scientific community
has studied for a couple of decades now
it’s an ancient traditional art that is
frequently described as a focus on
stillness and breath and there is a lot
of research about how mindfulness is
very effective in managing depression
and I skimmed that research and
my massive amounts of reading but I
never really took the time to be still
except for the last 10 seconds of maybe
a microwave cup of tea or cocoa when I
didn’t want to be racing off somewhere
else
10 seconds I’d stand there breathing
deep and slow and I could tell the
difference and it was nice but I never
took any more time except I did in all
of these different resources mindfulness
was described in a similar way the short
version is paying attention in the
moment in the moment throughout hours of
cumulative chopping I insisted on sharp
knives sharp knives are remarkably
motivating when it comes to paying
attention in the moment I was practicing
and still practice a rather intense form
of mindfulness that I never read about
in one of those books but I can tell the
way it settles me and orders my thinking
now I’ve been talking about courage in
these two parts it was very early in my
depression that I realized I was already
enduring consciously enduring because no
matter how low I was I had three
dependent kids and they needed me
mindfulness took me the rest of the way
to this health I call courage because
was that becoming aware part if you
don’t know what you’re agreeing to it
can’t really count as courage even if a
risk is as under epic as disappointing
someone or risking rejection it still
creates fear that I must endure I must
face in order to be my most effective
but all this I understood far after the
fact my competency in writing accepting
failure without ruminating on it
discovering mindfulness through sharp
knives and microwave countdowns these
things all
pulled me thread by thread out of this
tight ball and wound myself into there’s
a man named Rushworth Kidder who wrote a
book called moral courage where he takes
the two-part definition and adds a third
element driving principles this is the
this is the motivation this is the why
we choose to endure what we are enduring
am i learning how to fail am i learning
to value myself based on how much I
valued other people this shaped the
third component of my growing courage
now I can’t say I was thinking much
about courage in the early years of this
fight but after seven years and still
facing depression sometimes I realized
that I’m no longer seeing depression as
this huge and amorphous blob that pushes
me under and makes me fear all drown I
push back against isolation against
negative attitudes against immobility
and I focus on this place of value I am
valuable before God to my friends my
family to myself I don’t focus on all
the against I think about my favorite
definition of hope the assurance that
now is not permanent and I focus on what
I am pursuing I am pursuing courage
thank
you
[Applause]
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