think doesn’t mean that I do hair and
nails what I do is help people make
difficult choices like my dad has always
been a fighter but he’s older now and
he’s seriously ill and he stopped eating
how should I respond or I’m a nurse or a
health care provider and I’m asked to
participate in a treatment that I
disagree with or that puts me in harm’s
way or how should we restrict the
freedom of people who might have an
infectious disease or who might just be
coming into the country from a different
country where that infectious disease is
rampant and as I help people to think
through these kinds of questions I
realize that there are some challenges
we face in our society today that makes
this work even more difficult we live in
the age of information and yet it’s
amazing how little we know about each
other our backgrounds our traditions our
cultures and we have to overcome so much
misinformation even to do that I think
we call them alternative facts today and
I also noticed that we in the age of the
sound bite lack the patience to do the
focused work we need to do to really
understand each other and the world we
live in and so when I think about it I
realized that actually the most
important job that I have is being a dad
and with my wife helping our son figure
out what does it mean to live well and
what I’d like to share with you today is
a way of thinking about this that I
found helpful and it’s captured in the
title I want to suggest that happiness
is tied to the idea of integrity and
living with integrity requires skills
skills related to critical thinking and
pluralism I’ve got it here as a simple
form you
to make it easy to remember integrity
equals critical thinking plus pluralism
to help explain my ideas I’d like to
tell you an everyday story
concerns my son this is a picture of my
son Rafiq one day he and his friends
were over and they were working really
hard on a homework project and for the
most of the day things were going really
well and then in the afternoon all of a
sudden we heard some raised voices we
heard something falling it might have
been thrown I don’t know
and we went in to investigate him what
we found is that the boys were working
on creating a model and one of the parts
for the model broke and they were
disagreeing about what to do with about
it
one of the boys was saying let’s just
use the broken piece and get get on with
it
let’s finish now no one’s even gonna
notice one of the other boys were saying
no it doesn’t matter how long it’s gonna
take we need to do this properly that’s
finished the refix ever fixed the piece
and then used that in the model and the
other boys actually just didn’t know
what to do what was clear though was all
of them were upset so I’m gonna use this
story to unpack some of these ideas
about integrity critical thinking and
pluralism the first thing to say is that
integrity from my perspective in very
simple terms is walking our talk
integrity happens when our understanding
of what the world should look like
matches up with the world the way the
world actually is when the world looks
the way we wanted to we think it should
that’s what integrity is it’s about
walking our talk and notice what’s going
on in this story the boys are actually
disagree they’re trying to figure out
what should our talk actually be and
this shouldn’t be surprising because all
of us everyday
face questions issues dilemmas where
we’re trying to figure out what should
our talk be and how should we actually
walk it the other thing I want to say
about integrity is that integrity is
tied to our peace of mind consider this
spectrum of photographs I want to
suggest that all of us are somewhere on
this spectrum and life is actually all
about
to move to the left side of the spectrum
when we’re on the left side of the
spectrum we understand what our talk
should be we understand what the world
should look like we understand what our
talk should be and it’s actually coming
out in our lives our lives are looking
like the way we think they should look
and when that happens we’re usually
feeling things like calm peace maybe
even joy and happiness when it’s the
case that our talk is not lining up with
the way the world actually is we’re on
the right side of the spectrum we’re
feeling this integrated we’re feeling
torn apart and that shows up and
feelings of sadness anger frustration
powerlessness I think I thought the boys
story again they’re feeling frustrated
because they’re trying to figure out
well what should we do though one of the
things the guys that want something I
want to finish quickly or I want to do a
really good job are scared because
they’re worried that what matters to
them may not actually be where they land
where they end up they’re feeling
painful or painful feelings so I think
Gandhi had it just right when he said
happiness is when what you think what
you say and what you do are in harmony
there’s one more thing I want to say
about integrity and that is the story is
about Rafik and his classmates for sure
they had their well-being on the line in
the way that that made that decision was
made but I want to suggest that so did I
and so did my wife and I bet you that
even though they weren’t there didn’t
know about it the boy’s parents did and
that their teacher did and the school
did we actually all had skin in this
game it mattered to us what this world
should look like it mattered to us how
it should unfold so when we think about
working through these issues we have to
recognize that all of us are actually
involved so integrities about walking
your talk well what does your talk made
of how do we figure it out I want to
suggest that our talk requires skills to
figure out the skills of critical
thinking and that’s because our talk is
actually made up of at least three
different dimensions values facts and
our
oceans our values in simple terms are
really what matters to us what the world
should look like what is important to us
we already know that in the story it was
important to the boys that they finish
quickly or that they do a good job those
were their values but those are kind of
surface values that was the stuff that
was important on the face of things
things matter on the face of it because
they give us deeper things that are at
stake for us and we get there but so
it’s these end purposes that values are
really concerned with and the way we
understand that is to ask the question
well why is that important so yes why is
it important we finish quickly
and the boys might say well so we can
avoid the pain of having to focus and
concentrate for so long or maybe so we
can go on play hockey and enjoy the
pleasure that comes with physical
exercise so those are the deeper things
at stake avoiding the pain and enjoying
pleasure on that story you might ask why
is it important to do a good job well so
we can do well in school so that’s the
deeper values yes well why is that
important
well it’s important to do well in school
so I can build the ability that school
gives me to learn about the world or
that I can do well in my in my if I can
be successful in my career so I can
serve my family and my community well so
integrity requires walking our talk our
talk requires the skill of understanding
what should matter in life as we know
she ate life’s problems
the second dimension I want to point to
is our understanding of what’s true
about the world what’s going on in the
world
Rafik and the boys will need to figure
out they’ll need to know how long it’s
going to take to fix this part how much
of this grade is actually gonna impact
my final mark what else I could I be
doing with the time that I’m devoting to
this what am i realistic options no
matter how passionate they are or how
hard they work if they don’t get the
facts right they’re not going to be able
to make good choices but actually there
are deeper beliefs that are also at
stake in the way that they make these
choices for example why the human beings
have an intellect
what’s the purpose of Education what’s
the purpose of life all of these are
actually impacted how are we connected
to each other think about the commitment
that the boys have to each other
depending on what they believe about the
way that they are connected to each
other if they believe yes they have to
do this project together they go to the
same school maybe they are even
neighbors but that’s really it otherwise
they kind of bump into each other in the
world the commitment they’re going to
have to make sure that they get through
this together is very different then if
they believe something like they’re
deeply connected spiritually they
connect their that their their
connection is actually a connection that
goes beyond space and time all of a
sudden that’s going to mean that they’re
going to want each other to succeed
because one success impacts the success
of the other so integrity requires the
ability to actually think through the
facts at a more basic level as well as
at a very deep level about our beliefs
the third dimension of our talk I want
to point to is our emotions we’re not
just thinking and acting creatures we
encounter life and this has an impact on
our hearts and our bodies and when that
impact is really painful and we don’t
have the skills to process our feelings
it can make it very difficult to think
about facts and values if the boys are
having this conversation and they’re so
upset they’re blinded by that upset they
can’t get past it they’re not actually
going to be able to think about well
what should really matter here or what
is going on what is going on in the
world not only that if it’s the case
that they’re so taken by their emotions
that they treat each other harmfully
they say things that are going to hurt
each other or they physically do things
that are going to hurt each other
realize that they’re going to actually
create even bigger barriers that they
have to overcome in order to figure out
what their talk should be and how they
should actually walk it so they need the
skills of being able to understand their
own emotions and process their own
emotions and need the skills to be able
to support their friends to do that
as well this is the third set of skills
related to critical thinking I want to
point to so as these boys are trying to
figure out how should we deal with the
broken piece for our model notice that
there are three conversations that
they’re actually having a conversation
about the facts the values and how
they’re feeling about it and they need
to be able to manage on all three levels
if they’re going to successfully engage
this this brings me to pluralism living
with integrity is walking our talk in
our talk is requires critically thinking
about these different dimensions but the
thing is the work we do to figure out
our talk and to figure out how to walk
it does not happen in isolation we go
through life in relationship with other
people Rafik has to go through this
experience with his colleagues they have
to go through it together what’s
interesting about the world is more and
more the people we have to go through
life with look more and more different
than we do more and more we live with
work alongside and serve people who are
different from us now you might say this
is too bad that in fact it’s you know
this diversity creates a challenge and I
wish that we didn’t have to deal with it
I believe that integrity actually
requires diversity because to figure out
what I think should matter in life I
need to articulate these things and
share my thinking my perspective with
others and if they’re different they’re
able to give me an alternate perspective
on my own view of the world they might
have a different view that I can
actually learn from so I need difference
in order to figure out in a rich way
what my talk actually is what talk I
want to live in my life every day now in
order to take advantage of diversity I
need to be able to make myself
vulnerable I need to be able to tell
someone this is I’m struggling with this
and this is what I think and I need to
know
so there’s another two
drums that we’re on the spectrum between
fear and hope and the spectrum between
being alone and in community and I’m
saying to live with integrity you need
to be on the community side of the
spectrum but in order to be on the
community side of the spectrum I need to
be able to make myself vulnerable the
only way I’m gonna be able to make
myself vulnerable is I have I have hope
if I can trust that the people I am
partnering with care about my journey
they’re interested in my journey they’re
willing to listen to understand where
I’m coming from and what I’m thinking
and they’re willing to show up and tell
me their perspective and work with me
to find a collaborative way to move
forward through the challenge that we’re
facing if it’s the case that Rafik
believes or one of his classmates
believes that by sharing his perspective
his calling his when he does that his
colleagues are gonna or his classmates
are gonna call him stupid or they’re
gonna ridicule him or they’re gonna
ostracize him he’s not going to share
he’s going to be on the alone side of
the spectrum because he needs to look
after his own interests because nobody
else is going to so in order to live
with integrity we actually need the
skills to be able to treat each other
with care and kindness to be able to
listen to each other to understand each
other’s perspectives and then to show up
with a view to collaborating integrity
equals critical thinking plus pluralism
our peace of mind is connected to the
extent to which we’re able to walk our
talk every day and to walk our talk we
need to be able to figure out what
should matter in life deeply we need to
be able to figure out what are the facts
in the situation what actually is going
on in the world we need to be able to
understand and process our own emotions
and help our colleagues our friends to
do the same we need to be able to treat
each other with kindness and care we
need to be able to listen to each other
to understand each other’s perspectives
and then we need to show up and share
our perspectives in
spirit of collaboration this is what our
children need to live with integrity and
this is if this is what our children
need then notice these are the skills
that we need so that we can actually
help them on this journey I’m gonna
leave you with one more thought I
actually think that all of this stuff is
tied up with the idea of freedom my wife
and I once went to a flamenco concert
and this man and woman were doing this
gorgeous dance
it was beautiful expressive passionate
creative it was wonderful and I turned
to my my wife and I said honey that’s
integrity and she said honey but
afterwards she humored me and she said
okay well what did you mean and I said
notice that yes everything they were
doing was beautiful passionate
expressive creative it was gorgeous but
everything they were doing on that stage
was deliberate it was intentional they
weren’t being pushed around on that
stage by any force other than what they
had wanted to be guided by if we don’t
know what our talk is and are not in
control of walking it then we’re simply
being pushed around by whatever forces
happen to be strongest in our lives
living with integrity is about freedom
it’s about intentionally choosing the
constraints that we are going to live by
in our lives and accepting those as
opposed to simply being moved by
thoughtless freedom or license I’ll put it that way thank you very much