[Music]
I met Audrey in a nursing home in early
2016
I’ve been a hospice volunteer for a
couple of months and Audrey was one of
my very first patients she was confined
to a hospital bed and had problems with
her eyes so she wore really large gold
sunglasses she called her bling glasses
and next to her bed was a giant cork
board filled with all these photos of
her in her teens and 20s and there were
pictures of her hanging out with Doris
Day and Michael Landon I love this board
and I could talk to her for hours about
the stories behind the photos for the
better part of that year we got together
almost every week I read to her
sometimes we just sit quietly and listen
to music I got to know her kids her
grandkids her great grandkids I felt
like part of the family and I so looked
forward to those weekly visits with her
then one day in October 2016 she said
something that completely shocked me now
for those who may not remember or who
have completely blocked it out here in
the United States 2016 was an election
year and was a little bit contentious so
it was against that backdrop that I sat
holding my friend Audrey’s hand
listening to Frank Sinatra CD when she
turned to me and made this completely
vulgar comment about one of the
presidential candidates and what she
said devastated me I hadn’t heard her
swear before which was jarring in and of
itself but the person she was swearing
about was the person I plan to vote for
it was my candidate and what she said
left no doubt whatsoever that she and I
were on opposite sides of the political
fence and my head started spinning
should I say something and if I say
something will she hate me as much as
she clearly hates my candidate should I
hate her now and how have I managed to
become friends with someone who’s
supposed to be the enemy but here’s what
I learned and here’s what I knew Audrey
wasn’t the enemy she was a friend and
she was someone I’d grown to love and as
I sat there still holding her hand
I started to feel ashamed and I felt a
shame because if I was honest with
myself if political affiliation had been
part of her profile when I was asked to
take her on as a patient I most likely
would have said no that election year
brought out the worst in a lot of us and
everywhere I looked online people were
arguing with strangers riding off
friends and family are too quick to use
the unfriend button and in that
polarized environment my own animosity
and judgment of anyone who held opposing
views was preventing me from forming
relationships with people just like
Audrey and I didn’t like feeling mad or
bitter all the time but in my head what
was at stake justified my outlook as I
thought about that afternoon with Audrey
I had an idea what if I could somehow
replicate that experience with strangers
and learn to approach people from the
other side of the fence with more
understanding and compassion and my idea
was pretty simple I would seek out
strangers who held diametrically opposed
views for my own and simply invite them
to lunch and I wanted to meet for lunch
because from a practical perspective it
would give each of us something to do
while the other person was talking I
mean I was planning on meeting strangers
after all but lunch held more
significant importance for me there’s a
lot of symbolism around eating together
weekly family meals breaking bread
together holiday feasts I wanted to have
even in a symbolic way tap into the
sacredness of sharing a meal together
and I didn’t want to put many
restrictions on it but I did think I
should have a few ground rules one I
decided that once a lunch was scheduled
with someone and this was much much
harder than you’d think I wouldn’t
I wanted to meet a strangers with no
preconceived ideas and to lunch wasn’t
intended to be a debate but rather a
dialog where we could just get to know
one another but without needing to shy
away from our differences and three I
wasn’t looking to change anyone’s mind
nor was I looking to have my mind
changed once I had my idea pretty much
fleshed out all I had left to do was
find people willing to meet with me and
to do that I went straight to ground
zero of the polarized partisan divide
Facebook i sat in front of my computer
drafting what I wanted to say my post
would explain what I was trying to do
and ask my friends to for my offer to
people they knew who held views counter
to my own and once I had the wording
down and made sure everything was
spelled correctly and reread it probably
30 or 40 times I deliberately slowly hit
the button and posted my proposal I did
it there was no turning back now I was
slightly panicked until fairly quickly
people started to respond the unexpected
thing was how liberating simply posting
my idea online was there was something
powerful about calling a timeout in the
midst of all the craziness and offering
an olive branch and I was really moved
by the number of people that I rarely
interacted with who took the time to
comment or to reach out to being
privately in response to my post and
then later that day I got a friend
request from someone I didn’t know and I
was a little thrown by this request I’ll
be honest because we had no friends in
common and his profile picture didn’t
and let’s just say it was more of a
manifesto than a tattoo it made clear
where he stood politically and it wasn’t
on my side of the fence but still in the
spirit of this new project of mine I
decided to accept his friend request
moments later I received a direct
message from him where he started to
tell me his story about how he arrived
at his political views some of which was
painful and personal and we didn’t live
near each other so lunch wasn’t an
option but he said if ever you’re in
town I would love to meet with you and
he ended his message by saying I
understand and appreciate what you’re
trying to do please keep up the good
work
this small interaction was so moving to
me I didn’t expect to feel a connection
with this man and it was clear what I
had posted tapped into a sentiment
shared across the board and my first
local connection and official lunch was
with a man named Scott and I arrived a
little early and kind of anxiously
waited until promptly at noon Scott
walked in and sat down we exchanged a
couple pleasantries and then we just
kind of jumped right in and at first I
found myself seizing on everything he’d
say and thinking well that’s exactly why
we can’t be friends right there but soon
my defenses dropped and I just started
to listen there was something about the
set up these lunches that allowed us to
ask about each other’s opinions out of a
genuine curiosity and not from a
combative stance it turns out Scott and
I had a lot more in common than not he
had a sense of humor which mirrored mine
I learned he had a son and his wife was
pregnant with their daughter due any day
I shared pictures of my kids Scott and I
worked in the same industry and knew a
lot of the same people so over lunch we
swap stories about what it was like to
work in our industry and hold the views
that we each have and as he told me
history I gained real empathy for how
challenging and difficult it must be for
him to be truly authentic with people in
our community most of whom would assume
he’s of a different political party than
he actually is now I left that lunch
feeling exhilarated but I also left that
lunch with
out changing my mind on a single issue
but I did gain a perspective I wouldn’t
have had otherwise having lunch with
Scott allowed me to see him as a whole
person and not the enemy since then he
and I’ve gotten together for lunch
frequently and I’m happy to call him a
friend today that initial lunch was the
start of many meetings over many months
I had lunch with men and women I met
people with a range of differences on
many issues
I met one man who said about 12
different offensive things in a very
short time together
and another who couldn’t help pointing
out flaws in my opinions every time I
talked which was challenging but still I
had a willingness to listen and not an
ability to be neutral and not an ability
to prevent the occasional eye roll but
simply a willingness to listen and
sometimes that came naturally and other
times I had to talk myself into it but I
still found the process of eating
together valuable it turns out that most
of the lunches I had were fun and I
enjoy getting to know them but not
everyone I went to lunch with became a
friend and one of those lunches was with
Mark who was referred to me by someone
who’d seen my post we met for lunch at a
cool outdoor restaurant near local
college we introduced ourselves and
started with the very safe territory of
what we did for work I told him I sold
real estate and he told me he ran a
marketing company serving politicians
but when he told me the name of the
company I instantly recognized it his
clients were what I would describe as
fringe extremist politicians I was
totally blown away by this fact I mean
if the other people had been meeting
with were the opposition this guy
represented the opposition’s command
center and here I was face to face with
him and my head started to spin as I
thought about how this guy in front of
me is responsible for the marketing ads
and talking points that I find most
offensive and at this point I was sure
he could see my face turning red and my
hands were sweating and I was trying to
keep them dry under the table and then
and then our salads arrived and I was
pulled out of my head this was exactly
what I wanted I was engaged in exactly
what I had asked for however messy it
might be this moment right here
so I forged ahead and Mark was friendly
but conversation didn’t flow naturally
at all we politely talked politics and
raising kids I learned he had two sons
like I did he said things that made me
uncomfortable and I’m sure I did the
same to him but in the end we followed
the guidelines treated each other as
people instead of sparring partners we
finished our lunch thanked each other
and went on our separate ways now I
talked over that awkward lunch so much
with friends over the next few days I
was sure mark was equally happy to call
that our first and last lunch together
we disagreed on almost everything but
the way I figured it at least we managed
to connect over being dads to two boys
at least we had that in common right and
then a very dear friend of mine said to
me you know it’s easy to love someone
because of your similarities but try
what my friend said to me totally
tweaked my perspective and in a profound
way she was right and I started to take
that new perspective with me out into
the world and into my lunches in
particular I started to meet people on
their own terms and stopped worrying
about how they fit into my experience
and the way I interacted with people I
had lunch with turns out was uniquely
different than the way I interacted with
people inside my own social circle and
even small seemingly meaningless
interactions with people from the other
side of the fence like the message I
receive from the tattoo after my post
could leave me feeling elated in a way I
didn’t necessarily feel with people
inside my own echo chamber being
afforded respect by people who deeply
simply acknowledging our differences
without feeling
need to qualify them in any way seems to
allow a space for a more genuine
connection and this project of mine may
not change the world anytime soon
hostility and rancor are alive and well
in the United States and across the
globe and for me this has been an
evolving journey I mean sure it’s easy
to have compassion and look past
differences for an elderly woman on
hospice care but it’s been a little less
easy for me to replicate this out in the
world but still I have found this
process has transformed my outlook I’m
less irritable and angry and when
visiting family I haven’t had to say
that silent parameter a lot of you know
please don’t let them bring up politics
my reactions to the news and stories
online have become more subdued and
don’t get me wrong I still have very
strong convictions and opinions and
frequently find myself agitated but my
responses to things haven’t been as
filled with adrenaline as they once were
and I wish I always felt this way but I
don’t but if all I get are small
reprieves from the divisive nasaw worth
the effort and maybe the people I’ve
been meeting with have also experienced
a shift in their perspective maybe not
but in the end there was only one thing
this project could have changed and that
was me but going in I thought this
project would allow me to see the light
in others but instead it’s been about
uncovering the light in me this project
is not for everyone there aren’t a lot
of people who want to have lunch with a
stranger talking politics especially one
who completely disagrees with them but
we can all choose ways to move beyond
our social circles to choose discomfort
in the very short term for a greater
sense of peace in the long term and if
we all do that maybe we can start to see
the light in ourselves and each other thank you
I met Audrey in a nursing home in early
2016
I’ve been a hospice volunteer for a
couple of months and Audrey was one of
my very first patients she was confined
to a hospital bed and had problems with
her eyes so she wore really large gold
sunglasses she called her bling glasses
and next to her bed was a giant cork
board filled with all these photos of
her in her teens and 20s and there were
pictures of her hanging out with Doris
Day and Michael Landon I love this board
and I could talk to her for hours about
the stories behind the photos for the
better part of that year we got together
almost every week I read to her
sometimes we just sit quietly and listen
to music I got to know her kids her
grandkids her great grandkids I felt
like part of the family and I so looked
forward to those weekly visits with her
then one day in October 2016 she said
something that completely shocked me now
for those who may not remember or who
have completely blocked it out here in
the United States 2016 was an election
year and was a little bit contentious so
it was against that backdrop that I sat
holding my friend Audrey’s hand
listening to Frank Sinatra CD when she
turned to me and made this completely
vulgar comment about one of the
presidential candidates and what she
said devastated me I hadn’t heard her
swear before which was jarring in and of
itself but the person she was swearing
about was the person I plan to vote for
it was my candidate and what she said
left no doubt whatsoever that she and I
were on opposite sides of the political
fence and my head started spinning
should I say something and if I say
something will she hate me as much as
she clearly hates my candidate should I
hate her now and how have I managed to
become friends with someone who’s
supposed to be the enemy but here’s what
I learned and here’s what I knew Audrey
wasn’t the enemy she was a friend and
she was someone I’d grown to love and as
I sat there still holding her hand
I started to feel ashamed and I felt a
shame because if I was honest with
myself if political affiliation had been
part of her profile when I was asked to
take her on as a patient I most likely
would have said no that election year
brought out the worst in a lot of us and
everywhere I looked online people were
arguing with strangers riding off
friends and family are too quick to use
the unfriend button and in that
polarized environment my own animosity
and judgment of anyone who held opposing
views was preventing me from forming
relationships with people just like
Audrey and I didn’t like feeling mad or
bitter all the time but in my head what
was at stake justified my outlook as I
thought about that afternoon with Audrey
I had an idea what if I could somehow
replicate that experience with strangers
and learn to approach people from the
other side of the fence with more
understanding and compassion and my idea
was pretty simple I would seek out
strangers who held diametrically opposed
views for my own and simply invite them
to lunch and I wanted to meet for lunch
because from a practical perspective it
would give each of us something to do
while the other person was talking I
mean I was planning on meeting strangers
after all but lunch held more
significant importance for me there’s a
lot of symbolism around eating together
weekly family meals breaking bread
together holiday feasts I wanted to have
even in a symbolic way tap into the
sacredness of sharing a meal together
and I didn’t want to put many
restrictions on it but I did think I
should have a few ground rules one I
decided that once a lunch was scheduled
with someone and this was much much
harder than you’d think I wouldn’t
I wanted to meet a strangers with no
preconceived ideas and to lunch wasn’t
intended to be a debate but rather a
dialog where we could just get to know
one another but without needing to shy
away from our differences and three I
wasn’t looking to change anyone’s mind
nor was I looking to have my mind
changed once I had my idea pretty much
fleshed out all I had left to do was
find people willing to meet with me and
to do that I went straight to ground
zero of the polarized partisan divide
Facebook i sat in front of my computer
drafting what I wanted to say my post
would explain what I was trying to do
and ask my friends to for my offer to
people they knew who held views counter
to my own and once I had the wording
down and made sure everything was
spelled correctly and reread it probably
30 or 40 times I deliberately slowly hit
the button and posted my proposal I did
it there was no turning back now I was
slightly panicked until fairly quickly
people started to respond the unexpected
thing was how liberating simply posting
my idea online was there was something
powerful about calling a timeout in the
midst of all the craziness and offering
an olive branch and I was really moved
by the number of people that I rarely
interacted with who took the time to
comment or to reach out to being
privately in response to my post and
then later that day I got a friend
request from someone I didn’t know and I
was a little thrown by this request I’ll
be honest because we had no friends in
common and his profile picture didn’t
and let’s just say it was more of a
manifesto than a tattoo it made clear
where he stood politically and it wasn’t
on my side of the fence but still in the
spirit of this new project of mine I
decided to accept his friend request
moments later I received a direct
message from him where he started to
tell me his story about how he arrived
at his political views some of which was
painful and personal and we didn’t live
near each other so lunch wasn’t an
option but he said if ever you’re in
town I would love to meet with you and
he ended his message by saying I
understand and appreciate what you’re
trying to do please keep up the good
work
this small interaction was so moving to
me I didn’t expect to feel a connection
with this man and it was clear what I
had posted tapped into a sentiment
shared across the board and my first
local connection and official lunch was
with a man named Scott and I arrived a
little early and kind of anxiously
waited until promptly at noon Scott
walked in and sat down we exchanged a
couple pleasantries and then we just
kind of jumped right in and at first I
found myself seizing on everything he’d
say and thinking well that’s exactly why
we can’t be friends right there but soon
my defenses dropped and I just started
to listen there was something about the
set up these lunches that allowed us to
ask about each other’s opinions out of a
genuine curiosity and not from a
combative stance it turns out Scott and
I had a lot more in common than not he
had a sense of humor which mirrored mine
I learned he had a son and his wife was
pregnant with their daughter due any day
I shared pictures of my kids Scott and I
worked in the same industry and knew a
lot of the same people so over lunch we
swap stories about what it was like to
work in our industry and hold the views
that we each have and as he told me
history I gained real empathy for how
challenging and difficult it must be for
him to be truly authentic with people in
our community most of whom would assume
he’s of a different political party than
he actually is now I left that lunch
feeling exhilarated but I also left that
lunch with
out changing my mind on a single issue
but I did gain a perspective I wouldn’t
have had otherwise having lunch with
Scott allowed me to see him as a whole
person and not the enemy since then he
and I’ve gotten together for lunch
frequently and I’m happy to call him a
friend today that initial lunch was the
start of many meetings over many months
I had lunch with men and women I met
people with a range of differences on
many issues
I met one man who said about 12
different offensive things in a very
short time together
and another who couldn’t help pointing
out flaws in my opinions every time I
talked which was challenging but still I
had a willingness to listen and not an
ability to be neutral and not an ability
to prevent the occasional eye roll but
simply a willingness to listen and
sometimes that came naturally and other
times I had to talk myself into it but I
still found the process of eating
together valuable it turns out that most
of the lunches I had were fun and I
enjoy getting to know them but not
everyone I went to lunch with became a
friend and one of those lunches was with
Mark who was referred to me by someone
who’d seen my post we met for lunch at a
cool outdoor restaurant near local
college we introduced ourselves and
started with the very safe territory of
what we did for work I told him I sold
real estate and he told me he ran a
marketing company serving politicians
but when he told me the name of the
company I instantly recognized it his
clients were what I would describe as
fringe extremist politicians I was
totally blown away by this fact I mean
if the other people had been meeting
with were the opposition this guy
represented the opposition’s command
center and here I was face to face with
him and my head started to spin as I
thought about how this guy in front of
me is responsible for the marketing ads
and talking points that I find most
offensive and at this point I was sure
he could see my face turning red and my
hands were sweating and I was trying to
keep them dry under the table and then
and then our salads arrived and I was
pulled out of my head this was exactly
what I wanted I was engaged in exactly
what I had asked for however messy it
might be this moment right here
so I forged ahead and Mark was friendly
but conversation didn’t flow naturally
at all we politely talked politics and
raising kids I learned he had two sons
like I did he said things that made me
uncomfortable and I’m sure I did the
same to him but in the end we followed
the guidelines treated each other as
people instead of sparring partners we
finished our lunch thanked each other
and went on our separate ways now I
talked over that awkward lunch so much
with friends over the next few days I
was sure mark was equally happy to call
that our first and last lunch together
we disagreed on almost everything but
the way I figured it at least we managed
to connect over being dads to two boys
at least we had that in common right and
then a very dear friend of mine said to
me you know it’s easy to love someone
because of your similarities but try
what my friend said to me totally
tweaked my perspective and in a profound
way she was right and I started to take
that new perspective with me out into
the world and into my lunches in
particular I started to meet people on
their own terms and stopped worrying
about how they fit into my experience
and the way I interacted with people I
had lunch with turns out was uniquely
different than the way I interacted with
people inside my own social circle and
even small seemingly meaningless
interactions with people from the other
side of the fence like the message I
receive from the tattoo after my post
could leave me feeling elated in a way I
didn’t necessarily feel with people
inside my own echo chamber being
afforded respect by people who deeply
simply acknowledging our differences
without feeling
need to qualify them in any way seems to
allow a space for a more genuine
connection and this project of mine may
not change the world anytime soon
hostility and rancor are alive and well
in the United States and across the
globe and for me this has been an
evolving journey I mean sure it’s easy
to have compassion and look past
differences for an elderly woman on
hospice care but it’s been a little less
easy for me to replicate this out in the
world but still I have found this
process has transformed my outlook I’m
less irritable and angry and when
visiting family I haven’t had to say
that silent parameter a lot of you know
please don’t let them bring up politics
my reactions to the news and stories
online have become more subdued and
don’t get me wrong I still have very
strong convictions and opinions and
frequently find myself agitated but my
responses to things haven’t been as
filled with adrenaline as they once were
and I wish I always felt this way but I
don’t but if all I get are small
reprieves from the divisive nasaw worth
the effort and maybe the people I’ve
been meeting with have also experienced
a shift in their perspective maybe not
but in the end there was only one thing
this project could have changed and that
was me but going in I thought this
project would allow me to see the light
in others but instead it’s been about
uncovering the light in me this project
is not for everyone there aren’t a lot
of people who want to have lunch with a
stranger talking politics especially one
who completely disagrees with them but
we can all choose ways to move beyond
our social circles to choose discomfort
in the very short term for a greater
sense of peace in the long term and if
we all do that maybe we can start to see
the light in ourselves and each other thank you
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