hi guys I’m Eva never done this before
so bear with me but um this is one of my
notebooks and I personally love
journaling because I don’t know about
y’all but I love going back and looking
at my journals from kindergarten and
seeing that I spelled guest’s geas it’s
just little things like that that make
me through the day but I also like to
see how far I’ve come and how different
my life was from the time that I was a
quirky all smiles nerdy teacher’s pet of
an eight year old I still have my
happy-go-lucky core but I’m still
begging my parents for a dog but they’re
definitely been some changes for example
I’m definitely not as quiet I sadly no
longer have straight A’s
but fortunately I’m not as scared as I
used to be and I embrace life so much
more because of it but even more than
that I love journaling because I’ve
personally reached so many biggest
realizations for writing I even realized
that I wanted to give this TED talk
through writing so I thought to calm my
nerves and hopefully connect with you
guys more what better way to speak
straight from the heart then to go to
the direct source for all of these
realizations and self-motivation
happened but there’s one thing in life
that I realized it’s that you’ve got to
go through the unpleasant parts in order
to get to the good life changing
movements so that’s exactly where we’re
going to start I was 13 years old in
seventh grade I played field hockey like
I did every year but this time I wanted
to be the best that I could and go the
extra mile
literally I told myself that I would run
every day that I didn’t have field
hockey and then I eventually started
running on days I did have field hockey
and just to stay in shape
I started realizing though that I was
that I was warned running not for myself
but I was actually chasing the girl I
wanted to be and that girl decided that
she wanted to cut out off desserts and
carbs and all the bad foods that way I
was bound to be the best girl on the
team not to mention I might cut a few
inches off my waist and who
could complain about that initially I
was faster and I thought I looked better
but I didn’t need to the inches started
adding up and instead of becoming faster
I started becoming weaker instead of
fighting with my parents ever how much
food I ate or lying to them about how I
didn’t go on a run after I did field
hockey I started to shut them out
completely I remember one time after
dinner I’d been sitting across for my
dad for at least an hour just staring at
an unopened granola bar that I was
supposed to make up for my dinner that I
had not eaten instead of screaming or
threatening or begging me to eat
anything that he could my dad just
looked at me and said Eva
do you remember watching Alice in
Wonderland um I didn’t say anything I
didn’t want to but my dad continued and
that he says he remembers when Alice had
completely given up and just doesn’t
think she will ever get out of
Wonderland she feels utterly lost
worthless and doesn’t believe she could
ever amount to be anything the Mad
Hatter doesn’t try to make her feel
better or try to shake her back to
reality he simply tells Alice that she’s
lost her muchness he then looks at me
and says Eva you’ve lost her much less
muchness – I don’t remember saying
anything after that but when I returned
from eating disorder treatment months
later I remember asking him what he
meant by muchness and he said muchness
is what makes you you when you were sick
you were lifeless and nothing like the
Eva that I’ve always known now that I’ve
been in recovery for four years I
realized that even though I may not have
understood it at the time muchness is
the most important thing that you could
lose you may be able to fool some people
but your true friends and family will
always know that a vital piece of you is
missing so fast-forward to this fall and
I’m the happiest I’ve ever been I start
writing poetry I share my story more and
more I started a club called Speak Up go
to Monday’s really
great lots of fun and as I started
sharing my story more I realized that I
began to grow um so I thought that I’d
share a little something with you that
I’ve actually wrote in this journal it
was the first poem I never showed anyone
before um and the crazy thing is I’m
horrified of reciting poetry and people
hearing it but here I am so thank you um
to all who regret my Eva grab with me I
know you’re scared of the future I know
you live between what ifs and should
haves but I also know that you are alive
but your stories all told through great
adventure and that’s the greatest
moments that define you happen because
you took a chance a chance to make a
friend to tell a guy how you finally
felt to realize that you need help to
ride a rollercoaster and for the very
first time be filled with all and the
rush of life pumping through your veins
instead of dread to be lifted into the
sky and shown places you didn’t even
know existed places so magical and
buzzing that you vow to never look back
down and you don’t because that’s living
now you don’t know how many times I’ve
crumpled up deleted thrown away ideas
for this TED talk because I thought they
weren’t perfect I was so scared not only
to give the speech to y’all and see
y’all’s reactions but see my reaction to
what if I hated it what if I couldn’t
even get past the first sentence and
before I came here I was honestly being
contemplating just what would happen if
I didn’t come but I know I shouldn’t and
I’m very glad I didn’t because I’ve been
through enough life to realize that if
you know that something is good for you
but all you want to do is run away from
it then the very thing you have to do is
sit with it you might fall in a hole
that never seems to stop
like Alice did but when you get to the
bottom you just might discover an
unimaginable new world maybe you’ll meet
someone wise like the Mad Hatter who
will straighten you out and show you who
you really are maybe you’ll find your
purpose so grab a pencil take a notebook
dig your heels into your pride and sit
and the discomfort because after all you
first have to realize that you’ve lost
your muchness so that you will learn to
never take it for granted again thank you