I remember exactly how I felt and how I
reacted when I walked out of my
seventh-grade classroom 40 years ago to
be punched in the face by another boy in
fairness he had warned me during class
that this punch was coming because I had
looked at him and smiled Ritchie was new
to town he was working hard on his
reputation as a tough kid a kid that
wood could handle himself
one that others would respect but as his
punch connected
I found myself defenseless with a few
others watching on feelings of shame and
embarrassment quickly took over I picked
on my books and I scampered off to the
nearest bathroom where I stood quietly
and cried at that moment I just wanted
to escape tremendous fears sadness but
most of all this feeling of just not
measuring up as I reflect back I see
that I had no ability to look inside and
feel any level of self compassion and of
course I couldn’t empathize with Ritchie
either even though it was his struggles
that prevented him from receiving my
smile from an early age I was the man of
the house my grandfather and I were
severely outnumbered with my mom my
grandmother my sister and my two aunts
I took my role very seriously so I
helped my mom find her medicine I helped
my sister bring in the groceries I
organized all my toy cars entirely by
myself so yes you’re right I was really
keeping the household running I was 19
when I got the call that my grandfather
had passed and when I did I had
absolutely no idea how to react
I was now legally an adult so I was
actually a man and now I was the only
man left in the family how could I ever
be expected to be strong and protect in
the future if I couldn’t be strong and
find a way to get through this various
friends came to be supportive but it
wasn’t until one of them said and I
quote every one of us is entitled at
least one pity party a day
that I burst into tears I quite
literally needed permission to feel
emotions and what was obviously an
emotional situation somehow by age 12 I
had received enough messages to know
that guys are supposed to be tough
we don’t back down we don’t show emotion
we definitely don’t show weakness or ask
for help we respond with anger and war
violence where we close down shutting
down my emotions was the path I went
rather than reaching out for support
from friends or family I tucked this
experience away like I would with so
many others over the years and move
forward pretending everything was just
fine the only thing that mattered at
that moment was that other people
believed that I was in control and that
I could handle anything that came my way
even while fear and insecurity grew
inside looking back I know exactly what
was that play I’ve been conditioned from
a young age to see myself as a man but
problem is I wasn’t a man I was a child
and when I should have been learning how
to connect with people or to express
myself in important and emotionally
healthy ways I was instead internalizing
all of those implications that come
along with being a man so what does
being a man mean Matt and I learned very
similar definitions of what it means to
be a man despite having incredibly
different personal identities and
growing up across the country at
different times society conflates being
a man with not having the full human
emotional experience
so if being a man is supposed to be
being tough not showing pain and
shutting down your emotions it’s pretty
easy to see how that can lead to hurting
others
not caring and an overall lack of
empathy a little bit of story time I was
at a high school recently and I was
leading a workshop all about exploring
gender and I asked the students they
could come up with a definition of what
it means to be a man after they shouted
out some things that they thought fit
the bill one student in particular
looked so upset so I had to ask what’s
wrong twitch he replied I don’t know it
just sucks I mean I want to be more than
let’s be clear men and masculinity are
not inherently bad there’s plenty of
people that identify as men or identify
as masculine but are doing very strong
work to uplift the community what is
harmful are the controlling stereotypes
of how to perform gender especially
masculinity I’m sure everyone in this
room has noticed the term toxic
masculinity has become a bit of a
buzzword and more than a bit polarizing
but I think that’s exactly why it’s
critically important to understand what
that term really means and why this
conversation makes us uncomfortable
understanding the ways in which
masculinity can negatively affect our
lives is the strongest first step in
addressing it it was many years later
before I could see the connection
between any of these experiences as a
child and so many that would happen
throughout life
this continuous effort of trying to live
by these tight and unreachable standards
of what it means to be a man often left
me falling short it can be discouraging
it can be depressing and it can be
dangerous suicide is the second leading
cause of death among Maine youth aged 15
to 24 boys are taking their own lives at
seven times the rate of girls while
they’re half as likely to be diagnosed
and treated for depression and this
problem doesn’t seem to get a lot better
with age adult men are hurting
themselves and taking their lives at
alarming rates also recent studies have
shown that men that strongly believe in
stereotypical gender roles tend to
prefer male doctors but they’re also
pretty likely to lie to them they seem
to prefer female doctors and are a bit
more honest with them but they don’t go
because they think that male doctors are
just better at their jobs
wait what toxic masculinity is really
bad for us this isn’t just about men
making stupid decisions that play out
really badly for us although that could
be an interesting talk on its own sadly
we don’t have to look far to see
neverending stories of harassment and
violence which disproportionately
happened at the hands of men men are
responsible for 90% of the violence
today
including violence against other men in
horrific levels of violence against
women and girls well the majority of us
are not violent men too many of us have
played a role in propping up this
culture that’s allowed it to be that way
we all have a role to play in changing
it narrow and restrictive views on
gender are fed to us throughout life but
they start pretty early if you google
the top toys of 2018 you’ll find toys
that are marketed for girls that use
terms like soft and play and glamour and
love and these toys are meant to be
looked at or held you’ll find toys that
are marketed for boys that use terms
like blast control hero and power and
these toys are meant to be used in a
more dynamic and frankly combative way
these toys just uphold the stereotype
that femininity is more passive and
gentle while masculinity is more
aggressive and active so many lives
could be saved and so much trauma
avoided if we took this epidemic of male
self-harm and violence against others
more seriously all boys have the
potential to recognize and feel and
express their full range of emotions
we’ve all got the ability to push
through that shame that prevents us from
being vulnerable particularly when we’re
hurting and we most need help instead of
acting out with anger and violence or
shutting down emotionally we’ve all got
the ability to feel that self compassion
and form meaningful connections with
others that punch that ricci delivered
over 40 years ago is so symbolic of this
issue that we just don’t talk enough
about I was 12 years old I had smiled
awkwardly because I didn’t know how else
to connect with another boy that I knew
needed something I smiled because I
cared and I smiled because somehow I
could feel a struggle but why is it so
hard for a boy to smile at another boy
and have the emotions behind that smile
be received a smile is this sort of
magical window into this wealth of
emotions as we smile our brain continues
to generate more positive emotions
and if received as intended can bring
strong feelings from others I’ve smiled
at a lot of people since 1972 and I
haven’t been punched since but to
receive a smile we have to feel worthy
of being smiled at as it turns out Ricci
was a lot like me he was just a little
further down that path of burying our
emotions and perfecting his own
performance of masculinity it’s likely
it’s at age 12 he just was feeling too
much and couldn’t process whatever it
was that he was feeling all we saw was
the anger the tip of the iceberg with
everything else pushed so below the
surface several decades after meeting
Ricci I became the executive director of
Maine boys two men a nonprofit
organization that invests in the healthy
development of boys as a means to ending
male violence against women and girls
I’ve witnessed what happens when boys
and girls are given permission to talk
openly and honestly about the pressures
they feel around gender and the impact
that has on them it’s beautiful to watch
boys in middle school connect the dots
between these traditional masculine
stereotypes in the ways that we
disrespectfully treat others when given
the opportunity these boys increase
their awareness and they begin to change
their own attitudes around really
important topics topics like gender
equity and relationships and the misuse
of power and male privilege over time
and with practice they increase their
emotional capacity and they begin
feeling comfortable just being
themselves in high school we see empathy
build across genders when these students
come together they begin to change the
culture and do amazing things within
their school by confronting
disrespectful and harmful behaviors well
before they become violent there is
always a way out of the dark if we can
learn a behavior than we can unlearn
or at very least learn a new behavior to
help us modify it at the core of these
stories is the fact that boys and men
are not taught how to meaningfully
connect or that I should even value such
things high school boys do learn that
they should prize their toughness or the
number of hookups they’ve had but not
their ability to identify with strangers
or the closeness that they share with
their partners high school boys and
adult men still shout no homo before
they show each other any affection which
just goes to show that non-sexual male
affection is still viewed as being
strange
we’re social species and no one of us
can exist as an island loneliness and
isolation have been clinically linked to
shorter lifespans and various other
health complications as such it’s time
to acknowledge and respect the power of
human connection as the program manager
for a local nonprofit called speak about
it I write programs in curricula that
encourage all folks regardless of their
identities to engage in healthier
relationships these programs always
involve a personal component of
accessing one’s own feelings and
emotions and that’s because emotional
awareness leads to the ability to have
empathy empathy for yourself and empathy
for others when you can’t have empathy
for yourself it creates this as internal
violence in your head in your heart that
makes it incredibly difficult to have
empathy for others we must make boys and
men aware of the fact that it is okay to
be vulnerable to that end to not
encourage limiting views of performing
gender so for example if you’re a parent
and you have a son
don’t tell your son to be a man when you
really mean be self-sufficient or have a
strong character and remember that
little boys are not the only ones that
need to learn that lesson if there’s a
man in your life who loves Taylor Swift
and his favorite movie is the notebook
don’t make fun of him for liking girlie
music or for watching chick flicks but
instead engage in the discussion with
him about what it is that he likes about
those things what we’re saying is offer
space to explore emotions do that with
your friends lovers classmates teammates
co-workers whoever ask people how they
feel about things and then be prepared
to tell them how you feel about things
be vulnerable tell somebody that you
love them ask for help when you need it
or even just start by being honest the
next time somebody asks how are you when
we open our hearts and we allow space
for other
to do so we stave off isolation and
lonliness by inviting a real and
meaningful human connection Matt and I
are connected through our response to
past trauma but that’s only part of the
story
we’re also united by our triumphs we’re
both still actively unlearning a
lifetime of narrow and restrictive
messaging on gender and we’ve decided to
dedicate our professional lives to
helping others do the same
that however does not have to be the
path that everybody takes true strength
lies in our ability to connect in
meaningful ways with others self
compassion vulnerability and empathy are
the pathways to getting there I’m so
inspired to see other people that do
this well and make it look easy our
collective ability to practice this and
model this as best we can is a
community-wide violence prevention
programs that specifically start with
the healthy development of our children
are so imperative to our future by
supporting and advocating for this sort
of work in your schools and your
communities we will reverse these troubling trends thank you
reacted when I walked out of my
seventh-grade classroom 40 years ago to
be punched in the face by another boy in
fairness he had warned me during class
that this punch was coming because I had
looked at him and smiled Ritchie was new
to town he was working hard on his
reputation as a tough kid a kid that
wood could handle himself
one that others would respect but as his
punch connected
I found myself defenseless with a few
others watching on feelings of shame and
embarrassment quickly took over I picked
on my books and I scampered off to the
nearest bathroom where I stood quietly
and cried at that moment I just wanted
to escape tremendous fears sadness but
most of all this feeling of just not
measuring up as I reflect back I see
that I had no ability to look inside and
feel any level of self compassion and of
course I couldn’t empathize with Ritchie
either even though it was his struggles
that prevented him from receiving my
smile from an early age I was the man of
the house my grandfather and I were
severely outnumbered with my mom my
grandmother my sister and my two aunts
I took my role very seriously so I
helped my mom find her medicine I helped
my sister bring in the groceries I
organized all my toy cars entirely by
myself so yes you’re right I was really
keeping the household running I was 19
when I got the call that my grandfather
had passed and when I did I had
absolutely no idea how to react
I was now legally an adult so I was
actually a man and now I was the only
man left in the family how could I ever
be expected to be strong and protect in
the future if I couldn’t be strong and
find a way to get through this various
friends came to be supportive but it
wasn’t until one of them said and I
quote every one of us is entitled at
least one pity party a day
that I burst into tears I quite
literally needed permission to feel
emotions and what was obviously an
emotional situation somehow by age 12 I
had received enough messages to know
that guys are supposed to be tough
we don’t back down we don’t show emotion
we definitely don’t show weakness or ask
for help we respond with anger and war
violence where we close down shutting
down my emotions was the path I went
rather than reaching out for support
from friends or family I tucked this
experience away like I would with so
many others over the years and move
forward pretending everything was just
fine the only thing that mattered at
that moment was that other people
believed that I was in control and that
I could handle anything that came my way
even while fear and insecurity grew
inside looking back I know exactly what
was that play I’ve been conditioned from
a young age to see myself as a man but
problem is I wasn’t a man I was a child
and when I should have been learning how
to connect with people or to express
myself in important and emotionally
healthy ways I was instead internalizing
all of those implications that come
along with being a man so what does
being a man mean Matt and I learned very
similar definitions of what it means to
be a man despite having incredibly
different personal identities and
growing up across the country at
different times society conflates being
a man with not having the full human
emotional experience
so if being a man is supposed to be
being tough not showing pain and
shutting down your emotions it’s pretty
easy to see how that can lead to hurting
others
not caring and an overall lack of
empathy a little bit of story time I was
at a high school recently and I was
leading a workshop all about exploring
gender and I asked the students they
could come up with a definition of what
it means to be a man after they shouted
out some things that they thought fit
the bill one student in particular
looked so upset so I had to ask what’s
wrong twitch he replied I don’t know it
just sucks I mean I want to be more than
let’s be clear men and masculinity are
not inherently bad there’s plenty of
people that identify as men or identify
as masculine but are doing very strong
work to uplift the community what is
harmful are the controlling stereotypes
of how to perform gender especially
masculinity I’m sure everyone in this
room has noticed the term toxic
masculinity has become a bit of a
buzzword and more than a bit polarizing
but I think that’s exactly why it’s
critically important to understand what
that term really means and why this
conversation makes us uncomfortable
understanding the ways in which
masculinity can negatively affect our
lives is the strongest first step in
addressing it it was many years later
before I could see the connection
between any of these experiences as a
child and so many that would happen
throughout life
this continuous effort of trying to live
by these tight and unreachable standards
of what it means to be a man often left
me falling short it can be discouraging
it can be depressing and it can be
dangerous suicide is the second leading
cause of death among Maine youth aged 15
to 24 boys are taking their own lives at
seven times the rate of girls while
they’re half as likely to be diagnosed
and treated for depression and this
problem doesn’t seem to get a lot better
with age adult men are hurting
themselves and taking their lives at
alarming rates also recent studies have
shown that men that strongly believe in
stereotypical gender roles tend to
prefer male doctors but they’re also
pretty likely to lie to them they seem
to prefer female doctors and are a bit
more honest with them but they don’t go
because they think that male doctors are
just better at their jobs
wait what toxic masculinity is really
bad for us this isn’t just about men
making stupid decisions that play out
really badly for us although that could
be an interesting talk on its own sadly
we don’t have to look far to see
neverending stories of harassment and
violence which disproportionately
happened at the hands of men men are
responsible for 90% of the violence
today
including violence against other men in
horrific levels of violence against
women and girls well the majority of us
are not violent men too many of us have
played a role in propping up this
culture that’s allowed it to be that way
we all have a role to play in changing
it narrow and restrictive views on
gender are fed to us throughout life but
they start pretty early if you google
the top toys of 2018 you’ll find toys
that are marketed for girls that use
terms like soft and play and glamour and
love and these toys are meant to be
looked at or held you’ll find toys that
are marketed for boys that use terms
like blast control hero and power and
these toys are meant to be used in a
more dynamic and frankly combative way
these toys just uphold the stereotype
that femininity is more passive and
gentle while masculinity is more
aggressive and active so many lives
could be saved and so much trauma
avoided if we took this epidemic of male
self-harm and violence against others
more seriously all boys have the
potential to recognize and feel and
express their full range of emotions
we’ve all got the ability to push
through that shame that prevents us from
being vulnerable particularly when we’re
hurting and we most need help instead of
acting out with anger and violence or
shutting down emotionally we’ve all got
the ability to feel that self compassion
and form meaningful connections with
others that punch that ricci delivered
over 40 years ago is so symbolic of this
issue that we just don’t talk enough
about I was 12 years old I had smiled
awkwardly because I didn’t know how else
to connect with another boy that I knew
needed something I smiled because I
cared and I smiled because somehow I
could feel a struggle but why is it so
hard for a boy to smile at another boy
and have the emotions behind that smile
be received a smile is this sort of
magical window into this wealth of
emotions as we smile our brain continues
to generate more positive emotions
and if received as intended can bring
strong feelings from others I’ve smiled
at a lot of people since 1972 and I
haven’t been punched since but to
receive a smile we have to feel worthy
of being smiled at as it turns out Ricci
was a lot like me he was just a little
further down that path of burying our
emotions and perfecting his own
performance of masculinity it’s likely
it’s at age 12 he just was feeling too
much and couldn’t process whatever it
was that he was feeling all we saw was
the anger the tip of the iceberg with
everything else pushed so below the
surface several decades after meeting
Ricci I became the executive director of
Maine boys two men a nonprofit
organization that invests in the healthy
development of boys as a means to ending
male violence against women and girls
I’ve witnessed what happens when boys
and girls are given permission to talk
openly and honestly about the pressures
they feel around gender and the impact
that has on them it’s beautiful to watch
boys in middle school connect the dots
between these traditional masculine
stereotypes in the ways that we
disrespectfully treat others when given
the opportunity these boys increase
their awareness and they begin to change
their own attitudes around really
important topics topics like gender
equity and relationships and the misuse
of power and male privilege over time
and with practice they increase their
emotional capacity and they begin
feeling comfortable just being
themselves in high school we see empathy
build across genders when these students
come together they begin to change the
culture and do amazing things within
their school by confronting
disrespectful and harmful behaviors well
before they become violent there is
always a way out of the dark if we can
learn a behavior than we can unlearn
or at very least learn a new behavior to
help us modify it at the core of these
stories is the fact that boys and men
are not taught how to meaningfully
connect or that I should even value such
things high school boys do learn that
they should prize their toughness or the
number of hookups they’ve had but not
their ability to identify with strangers
or the closeness that they share with
their partners high school boys and
adult men still shout no homo before
they show each other any affection which
just goes to show that non-sexual male
affection is still viewed as being
strange
we’re social species and no one of us
can exist as an island loneliness and
isolation have been clinically linked to
shorter lifespans and various other
health complications as such it’s time
to acknowledge and respect the power of
human connection as the program manager
for a local nonprofit called speak about
it I write programs in curricula that
encourage all folks regardless of their
identities to engage in healthier
relationships these programs always
involve a personal component of
accessing one’s own feelings and
emotions and that’s because emotional
awareness leads to the ability to have
empathy empathy for yourself and empathy
for others when you can’t have empathy
for yourself it creates this as internal
violence in your head in your heart that
makes it incredibly difficult to have
empathy for others we must make boys and
men aware of the fact that it is okay to
be vulnerable to that end to not
encourage limiting views of performing
gender so for example if you’re a parent
and you have a son
don’t tell your son to be a man when you
really mean be self-sufficient or have a
strong character and remember that
little boys are not the only ones that
need to learn that lesson if there’s a
man in your life who loves Taylor Swift
and his favorite movie is the notebook
don’t make fun of him for liking girlie
music or for watching chick flicks but
instead engage in the discussion with
him about what it is that he likes about
those things what we’re saying is offer
space to explore emotions do that with
your friends lovers classmates teammates
co-workers whoever ask people how they
feel about things and then be prepared
to tell them how you feel about things
be vulnerable tell somebody that you
love them ask for help when you need it
or even just start by being honest the
next time somebody asks how are you when
we open our hearts and we allow space
for other
to do so we stave off isolation and
lonliness by inviting a real and
meaningful human connection Matt and I
are connected through our response to
past trauma but that’s only part of the
story
we’re also united by our triumphs we’re
both still actively unlearning a
lifetime of narrow and restrictive
messaging on gender and we’ve decided to
dedicate our professional lives to
helping others do the same
that however does not have to be the
path that everybody takes true strength
lies in our ability to connect in
meaningful ways with others self
compassion vulnerability and empathy are
the pathways to getting there I’m so
inspired to see other people that do
this well and make it look easy our
collective ability to practice this and
model this as best we can is a
community-wide violence prevention
programs that specifically start with
the healthy development of our children
are so imperative to our future by
supporting and advocating for this sort
of work in your schools and your
communities we will reverse these troubling trends thank you
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