how’s everybody doing good it’s
wonderful to be with all of you this
morning when I first heard the topic for
this talk I loved it right away because
I thought about the autumn and the
falling leaves and how beautiful it is I
grew up in New York City and every fall
would make the trek to Central Park or
proxy Park to look at the leaves falling
and to look at the different colors and
witness nature’s bounty and beauty and
its brilliance and if you’ve never seen
it it’s worth making a trek somewhere
where you can see that it’s amazing and
then I also thought about literally the
beauty of the fall and I said yes
falling can be beautiful failing can be
beautiful now I haven’t always felt that
way in fact growing up I grew up in
London with a single mother
we’re from Ghana West Africa and my
beautiful mother Gladys a nice gave me a
name for you was single and she was
young she was 26 and at that time in
England in London the environment we
were in wasn’t always the most friendly
to say the least
so we found ourselves a lot of times in
very hostile situations and
circumstances so my mother had to find a
way to navigate through that kind of
thing that situation and what I
witnessed was that mom always wanted
everything to just kind of be calm don’t
ruffle any feathers don’t upset anyone
if something happens and you disagree
just calmly nod your head and you know
just go along to get along
so as a child watching her do this I
interpreted that as being well I needed
people’s approval at any cost that no
matter what I had to get along with
people don’t ruffle feathers keep that
stiff upper lip which is not a lot of
fun and it worked up to a point until it
didn’t work anymore in my 20s
New York I was diagnosed with fibroid
tumors never heard of them before I
didn’t know what they were and when I
looked at the doctors face as he gave me
this diagnosis he looked very grave and
he was like oh my goodness we have to
get you to surgery right away but there
was something in me that knew that even
though right now at that moment I’d
failed elf there was something in me
that said wait a minute so I said to the
doctor well could you give me like a
month to just be with all of this
said it’s all happening very fast I
don’t even know what you’re talking
about and and I’d like to take some time
to kind of just understand what’s
happening to me there was something in
me that I knew that I I had the power
you know it was grateful for the doctor
but he didn’t have power over me or my
body so I asked for at least a month and
he gave it to me said okay you got a
month and in that month I joined a
walking Club
Gary nulls walking Club in New York I
would get up at like 3:00 a.m. 2:00 a.m.
sometimes to travel all the way from
Brooklyn to New York to Manhattan and
sometimes it was snowing it was hard
rain it was cold and there I hate being
cold but I was doing it and I loved who
I was becoming my body was getting in
shape and I felt real and vital and
alive it was incredible I started to eat
better I started to be more mindful of
the the company I was keeping so a month
later when I went back to see the doctor
he was astounded he was like whoa what
did you do
and I said well you know I said you
frightened me and it fight me into
better health and he said well you’ve
done a great job because the tumor is
there negligible we don’t need to give
you the surgery I was like great okay so
then I moved to Los Angeles and I
started to work with incarcerated
children I wanted something to do to
give back when I moved to LA I started
working right away as an actor getting
commercials TV Phil
and I thought wow there’s gotta be more
to my life in this and I had an
opportunity to go and mentor
incarcerated children I didn’t even know
that children could be incarcerated now
I’ve found out that LA County
incarcerate small children than anyplace
else in the world is it because more
children are bad and LA in this country
I don’t think so than anyplace else but
what we do is that these children that
have failed we put a whole math of them
into detention facilities you know we
just write them off there they are
they’ve failed they’re criminals well
what I’ve found out though is that these
same failed children have a capacity to
love and to forgive like unlike anything
I’ve ever seen you know children that
have been abused neglected tormented
some of them and a lot of times the
perpetrators are members of their own
families and yet they harbor no
bitterness they don’t have a sense of
revenge they love their families I have
a young mentee a young woman she’s 16
one day as I was leaving the camp he
calls me Miss ikuyo here’s my mom’s
number do you think you could give her a
call please and just find out where she
is and how she is and I said sure she
said you know when I was taken away when
I was arrested that was the last time I
saw her and I I just I’m worried about
her she’s been on the streets she dreams
she takes drugs and I’m really worried
about my mom and I said of course I’ll
give her a call and I said but you know
this is your time for you because you’re
dealing with your own issues of
addiction and wanting to be sober just I
know but I please I need to know how my
mom is so that evening all her mother
and I was able to reach her and I said
you know your daughter is really
concerned about you please just every
once in a while call the facility even
if you don’t reach her just call and say
I called give her a message you love her
and she can
with her own growth and development the
mother said I know she’s so
compassionate I said yes she is because
instead of being concerned about herself
she’s concerned about you so that’s the
least you can do and I said you know she
also wants me to try to help you get
into a facility yourself where you can
be helped
are you willing to do that and the
mother said yes and she told me to call
back the next day to arrange where I
could go pick her up of course I called
back and she disappeared but I went back
and I told her daughter and I said I did
speak with her but I haven’t been able
to reach her again since and the
daughter looked at me and said thank you
I’m glad to know she’s alive I was I was
worried that maybe she was no longer
alive but I guess now I need to let her
go and focus on myself I said yes you do
it’s time for you to be with you this is
your time and that’s not the exception
that young girl is not the exception
most of the children that I mentor and
teach in these facilities are like that
they are dreaming about opening up
centers of compassion where children and
families can go children and families
that have been abused children that grow
up watching a parent usually the mother
being beaten up or killed they want a
safe place this is what they’re dreaming
of and yet we’re not listening because
we’ve labeled them failures they’ve made
a mistake and we don’t seem to have the
capacity to hold the space for
redemption for our children and if we
did if we dare to listen what we would
learn because of them I’ve learned to be
okay with myself with my body to let my
tummy out it’s okay I have a big tummy
you know they love the phrase keeping it
real and they do you can’t be with them
unless you’re real because of them I’ve
learned that failure isn’t the final
word it’s just a word it’s just a word
that’s all it is and they’ve helped me
to realign and redefine my relation
with that word it no longer hangs over
me confining me they have so much to
offer you know recently I heard that one
of the founders Patagonia the store said
if you want innovation speak to kids in
juvenile hall and he’s right I mean we
all hear about thinking outside the box
well they’re thinking outside the box
but we’re not listening so really it
made me think you know society talks a
good game but do we ever mean any of the
things we say think outside the box be
innovative do we really because when you
do you can hell for it you know it’s
like no well that’s not the way it’s
done yeah I’m trying to do it
differently you know so I’m changing my
relationship to failure I want to let
you know that the five words came back
which the doctor told me that it might
they’re stubborn little creatures so
this time I said okay let me go deeper
let me see what this is really about and
I realized in my research that a lot of
women particularly african-american
women get fibroids and I thought yeah
that makes sense I can understand that
we hold so much in you know I don’t know
where the myth of the angry black woman
came from because honestly most of us
hold in so much we don’t really say what
we feel we don’t really say what we mean
we don’t really do the things we want to
do in our hearts we’re just holding it
all in that’s why over 90% of black
women get high boys these tumors they’re
like parasites eating away at you
so with that realization and with
everything that I’m learning with my
children it’s at okay all right let me
have the courage to be me so I went to
my acting class and my acting teacher
said to me what would you like to work
on and I got up on stage and I said you
know what I want to work on sailing
today I just want to make a complete ass
out of myself I just want to get up on
that
stage I don’t care if my scene works so
it doesn’t work I just want to try I
want to fail and I want to have a good
time doing so he said okay and I was
working on a monologue I took Psalm 121
which is one of my favorite Psalms and I
turned that into a monologue and I had
the best time of my life I realized that
by giving myself permission to fail
I had actually given myself permission
to succeed I’ve given myself space to be
in the moment to be present to listen to
try different things because normally I
would be so you know prescribed and
everything’s scripted and I’m gonna do
this and I’m gonna turn that way and no
I was like no to heck with it just get
up on that stage and whatever happens
let it happen and it was beautiful I
really think that was probably one of
the best things I’ve ever done in my
life and it made me realize again when I
give myself permission to fail I’m
actually giving myself permission to
grow and what I’ve come to see is that
failure that which I know as failure is
actually part of the fabric of life it’s
not separate and apart and if I’m afraid
to fail what I’m actually saying is I’m
afraid to succeed just as if I’m afraid
to die I’m actually afraid to live the
paradox the contradictions it’s all part
of this fabric that is life the many
colors of it and failure is just one
color and keeping in line with that now
when I go to auditions doesn’t mean I
get every every everything I auditioned
for but I’ve noticed there’s a
fearlessness with me now recently the
summer I went up for a Southwest
commercial and the description when you
get a commercial call or any audition
they tell you the character and with
commercials than me tell you the attire
so it’s a business attire and I remember
I looked at it and I thought no I don’t
feel like wearing business attire to
this
I just don’t want to do it so you know I
chose I have a white skirt very flowy
varied Odyssey and I wore my god is he
skirt and another flowy top very
unbusinesslike and I went to the
audition and I did the audition and I
had a great time I loved it
I felt wonderful and because I thought
you know what business
I had already an idea what I thought
business would be you know but I said my
business could be anything maybe I make
flowy skirts that’s my business and I’m
wearing you know I’m wearing this higher
than that just the business that I have
well I got a callback for that out for
the audition but I wasn’t able to go
because I was working in a film and I
was like oh well you know they saw me if
they want me then they’ll call me
they’ll give it to me and they didn’t
they gave it to me but you know the
thing is I’m having more fun in my life
I’m having more fun because I’m allowing
myself to be me you know before with
every everything so prescribed you know
with the projections about success that
I had placed on myself
there was really no room to breathe
breathing very important to have a
healthy body especially if you’re
dealing with fibroids now I could
breathe I could stop holding my stomach
in you know everywhere even when I’m
working with my staff now I can be
myself and I can say hey I may be boss
but it doesn’t mean I know everything
I’m gonna bring everything I know to the
table and everything I don’t know to the
table and that’s alright with me I don’t
mind being vulnerable and if I make a
mistake I don’t mind saying I’m sorry I
don’t mind owning up and being the first
to say I take responsibility for that it
is so freaking freeing you know
especially from where I came from where
I had so much investment in being
approved by everyone else everyone where
has such an investment in being right
such an investment in the image that I
wanted people to see of me that I held
up but that image was gonna crush me if
I didn’t let it go if I wasn’t willing
to be vulnerable if I wasn’t willing to
be free and to be myself and I have a
children to thank for that as well these
beautiful angry hardened children that
I’ve failed so drastically so
dramatically and yet that dare too
horrible love and forgiveness and love
and forgiveness again and again and
again and if we would but just listen if
we would but just be more accepting and
maybe it begins with us accepting our
own fabric and colors of failures and
the reinterpretation of that word to
know that it is just a word it doesn’t
have any power doesn’t mean anything
except the meaning that we place onto it
and maybe if we did that we would be
more embracing of one another more
embracing of the beautiful colors of
life just like the fall season in the
parks in New York City on the East Coast
thank you so much
[Applause]
wonderful to be with all of you this
morning when I first heard the topic for
this talk I loved it right away because
I thought about the autumn and the
falling leaves and how beautiful it is I
grew up in New York City and every fall
would make the trek to Central Park or
proxy Park to look at the leaves falling
and to look at the different colors and
witness nature’s bounty and beauty and
its brilliance and if you’ve never seen
it it’s worth making a trek somewhere
where you can see that it’s amazing and
then I also thought about literally the
beauty of the fall and I said yes
falling can be beautiful failing can be
beautiful now I haven’t always felt that
way in fact growing up I grew up in
London with a single mother
we’re from Ghana West Africa and my
beautiful mother Gladys a nice gave me a
name for you was single and she was
young she was 26 and at that time in
England in London the environment we
were in wasn’t always the most friendly
to say the least
so we found ourselves a lot of times in
very hostile situations and
circumstances so my mother had to find a
way to navigate through that kind of
thing that situation and what I
witnessed was that mom always wanted
everything to just kind of be calm don’t
ruffle any feathers don’t upset anyone
if something happens and you disagree
just calmly nod your head and you know
just go along to get along
so as a child watching her do this I
interpreted that as being well I needed
people’s approval at any cost that no
matter what I had to get along with
people don’t ruffle feathers keep that
stiff upper lip which is not a lot of
fun and it worked up to a point until it
didn’t work anymore in my 20s
New York I was diagnosed with fibroid
tumors never heard of them before I
didn’t know what they were and when I
looked at the doctors face as he gave me
this diagnosis he looked very grave and
he was like oh my goodness we have to
get you to surgery right away but there
was something in me that knew that even
though right now at that moment I’d
failed elf there was something in me
that said wait a minute so I said to the
doctor well could you give me like a
month to just be with all of this
said it’s all happening very fast I
don’t even know what you’re talking
about and and I’d like to take some time
to kind of just understand what’s
happening to me there was something in
me that I knew that I I had the power
you know it was grateful for the doctor
but he didn’t have power over me or my
body so I asked for at least a month and
he gave it to me said okay you got a
month and in that month I joined a
walking Club
Gary nulls walking Club in New York I
would get up at like 3:00 a.m. 2:00 a.m.
sometimes to travel all the way from
Brooklyn to New York to Manhattan and
sometimes it was snowing it was hard
rain it was cold and there I hate being
cold but I was doing it and I loved who
I was becoming my body was getting in
shape and I felt real and vital and
alive it was incredible I started to eat
better I started to be more mindful of
the the company I was keeping so a month
later when I went back to see the doctor
he was astounded he was like whoa what
did you do
and I said well you know I said you
frightened me and it fight me into
better health and he said well you’ve
done a great job because the tumor is
there negligible we don’t need to give
you the surgery I was like great okay so
then I moved to Los Angeles and I
started to work with incarcerated
children I wanted something to do to
give back when I moved to LA I started
working right away as an actor getting
commercials TV Phil
and I thought wow there’s gotta be more
to my life in this and I had an
opportunity to go and mentor
incarcerated children I didn’t even know
that children could be incarcerated now
I’ve found out that LA County
incarcerate small children than anyplace
else in the world is it because more
children are bad and LA in this country
I don’t think so than anyplace else but
what we do is that these children that
have failed we put a whole math of them
into detention facilities you know we
just write them off there they are
they’ve failed they’re criminals well
what I’ve found out though is that these
same failed children have a capacity to
love and to forgive like unlike anything
I’ve ever seen you know children that
have been abused neglected tormented
some of them and a lot of times the
perpetrators are members of their own
families and yet they harbor no
bitterness they don’t have a sense of
revenge they love their families I have
a young mentee a young woman she’s 16
one day as I was leaving the camp he
calls me Miss ikuyo here’s my mom’s
number do you think you could give her a
call please and just find out where she
is and how she is and I said sure she
said you know when I was taken away when
I was arrested that was the last time I
saw her and I I just I’m worried about
her she’s been on the streets she dreams
she takes drugs and I’m really worried
about my mom and I said of course I’ll
give her a call and I said but you know
this is your time for you because you’re
dealing with your own issues of
addiction and wanting to be sober just I
know but I please I need to know how my
mom is so that evening all her mother
and I was able to reach her and I said
you know your daughter is really
concerned about you please just every
once in a while call the facility even
if you don’t reach her just call and say
I called give her a message you love her
and she can
with her own growth and development the
mother said I know she’s so
compassionate I said yes she is because
instead of being concerned about herself
she’s concerned about you so that’s the
least you can do and I said you know she
also wants me to try to help you get
into a facility yourself where you can
be helped
are you willing to do that and the
mother said yes and she told me to call
back the next day to arrange where I
could go pick her up of course I called
back and she disappeared but I went back
and I told her daughter and I said I did
speak with her but I haven’t been able
to reach her again since and the
daughter looked at me and said thank you
I’m glad to know she’s alive I was I was
worried that maybe she was no longer
alive but I guess now I need to let her
go and focus on myself I said yes you do
it’s time for you to be with you this is
your time and that’s not the exception
that young girl is not the exception
most of the children that I mentor and
teach in these facilities are like that
they are dreaming about opening up
centers of compassion where children and
families can go children and families
that have been abused children that grow
up watching a parent usually the mother
being beaten up or killed they want a
safe place this is what they’re dreaming
of and yet we’re not listening because
we’ve labeled them failures they’ve made
a mistake and we don’t seem to have the
capacity to hold the space for
redemption for our children and if we
did if we dare to listen what we would
learn because of them I’ve learned to be
okay with myself with my body to let my
tummy out it’s okay I have a big tummy
you know they love the phrase keeping it
real and they do you can’t be with them
unless you’re real because of them I’ve
learned that failure isn’t the final
word it’s just a word it’s just a word
that’s all it is and they’ve helped me
to realign and redefine my relation
with that word it no longer hangs over
me confining me they have so much to
offer you know recently I heard that one
of the founders Patagonia the store said
if you want innovation speak to kids in
juvenile hall and he’s right I mean we
all hear about thinking outside the box
well they’re thinking outside the box
but we’re not listening so really it
made me think you know society talks a
good game but do we ever mean any of the
things we say think outside the box be
innovative do we really because when you
do you can hell for it you know it’s
like no well that’s not the way it’s
done yeah I’m trying to do it
differently you know so I’m changing my
relationship to failure I want to let
you know that the five words came back
which the doctor told me that it might
they’re stubborn little creatures so
this time I said okay let me go deeper
let me see what this is really about and
I realized in my research that a lot of
women particularly african-american
women get fibroids and I thought yeah
that makes sense I can understand that
we hold so much in you know I don’t know
where the myth of the angry black woman
came from because honestly most of us
hold in so much we don’t really say what
we feel we don’t really say what we mean
we don’t really do the things we want to
do in our hearts we’re just holding it
all in that’s why over 90% of black
women get high boys these tumors they’re
like parasites eating away at you
so with that realization and with
everything that I’m learning with my
children it’s at okay all right let me
have the courage to be me so I went to
my acting class and my acting teacher
said to me what would you like to work
on and I got up on stage and I said you
know what I want to work on sailing
today I just want to make a complete ass
out of myself I just want to get up on
that
stage I don’t care if my scene works so
it doesn’t work I just want to try I
want to fail and I want to have a good
time doing so he said okay and I was
working on a monologue I took Psalm 121
which is one of my favorite Psalms and I
turned that into a monologue and I had
the best time of my life I realized that
by giving myself permission to fail
I had actually given myself permission
to succeed I’ve given myself space to be
in the moment to be present to listen to
try different things because normally I
would be so you know prescribed and
everything’s scripted and I’m gonna do
this and I’m gonna turn that way and no
I was like no to heck with it just get
up on that stage and whatever happens
let it happen and it was beautiful I
really think that was probably one of
the best things I’ve ever done in my
life and it made me realize again when I
give myself permission to fail I’m
actually giving myself permission to
grow and what I’ve come to see is that
failure that which I know as failure is
actually part of the fabric of life it’s
not separate and apart and if I’m afraid
to fail what I’m actually saying is I’m
afraid to succeed just as if I’m afraid
to die I’m actually afraid to live the
paradox the contradictions it’s all part
of this fabric that is life the many
colors of it and failure is just one
color and keeping in line with that now
when I go to auditions doesn’t mean I
get every every everything I auditioned
for but I’ve noticed there’s a
fearlessness with me now recently the
summer I went up for a Southwest
commercial and the description when you
get a commercial call or any audition
they tell you the character and with
commercials than me tell you the attire
so it’s a business attire and I remember
I looked at it and I thought no I don’t
feel like wearing business attire to
this
I just don’t want to do it so you know I
chose I have a white skirt very flowy
varied Odyssey and I wore my god is he
skirt and another flowy top very
unbusinesslike and I went to the
audition and I did the audition and I
had a great time I loved it
I felt wonderful and because I thought
you know what business
I had already an idea what I thought
business would be you know but I said my
business could be anything maybe I make
flowy skirts that’s my business and I’m
wearing you know I’m wearing this higher
than that just the business that I have
well I got a callback for that out for
the audition but I wasn’t able to go
because I was working in a film and I
was like oh well you know they saw me if
they want me then they’ll call me
they’ll give it to me and they didn’t
they gave it to me but you know the
thing is I’m having more fun in my life
I’m having more fun because I’m allowing
myself to be me you know before with
every everything so prescribed you know
with the projections about success that
I had placed on myself
there was really no room to breathe
breathing very important to have a
healthy body especially if you’re
dealing with fibroids now I could
breathe I could stop holding my stomach
in you know everywhere even when I’m
working with my staff now I can be
myself and I can say hey I may be boss
but it doesn’t mean I know everything
I’m gonna bring everything I know to the
table and everything I don’t know to the
table and that’s alright with me I don’t
mind being vulnerable and if I make a
mistake I don’t mind saying I’m sorry I
don’t mind owning up and being the first
to say I take responsibility for that it
is so freaking freeing you know
especially from where I came from where
I had so much investment in being
approved by everyone else everyone where
has such an investment in being right
such an investment in the image that I
wanted people to see of me that I held
up but that image was gonna crush me if
I didn’t let it go if I wasn’t willing
to be vulnerable if I wasn’t willing to
be free and to be myself and I have a
children to thank for that as well these
beautiful angry hardened children that
I’ve failed so drastically so
dramatically and yet that dare too
horrible love and forgiveness and love
and forgiveness again and again and
again and if we would but just listen if
we would but just be more accepting and
maybe it begins with us accepting our
own fabric and colors of failures and
the reinterpretation of that word to
know that it is just a word it doesn’t
have any power doesn’t mean anything
except the meaning that we place onto it
and maybe if we did that we would be
more embracing of one another more
embracing of the beautiful colors of
life just like the fall season in the
parks in New York City on the East Coast
thank you so much
[Applause]
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