hello
my hip replaced a week ago and while it
is not the story I want to share I have
I think a more interesting one for you
today when I was a kid
my mom set me down every day because she
noticed that my life festered with
frustration for the first several weeks
after my birthday she would explain to
me all the great new things that
six-year-old Charlie got to do that the
former 5 year old version couldn’t and I
was like an update really and the
instantly life would ease but while she
was reframing a growing pain as an
opportunity what she was actually doing
was teaching me that every day starts
with space to get better and so every
day I started with space to get better
at my handwriting and homework at making
friends baking cookies and at 10 I found
dance which was my perfect playground
for practice before long though a
teacher pulled me aside and said that if
I were serious about dance I needed to
lose weight okay this news hit me like a
belly-flop I was a kid I wasn’t prepared
to defend against body shaming and
honestly I wasn’t horribly fat but
teachers assured me that a growth spurt
would fix everything all I needed to do
was wait and in that interminable period
of waiting I thought it best to practice
and that practice paid off because by
12:00 the dance competition circuits
began rewarding me with scholarships to
summer programs and copious trophies the
kind of that little plastic figuring
that balances on the column the night
the judge awarded me best male dancer no
outstanding dancer of the competition he
came up to congratulate me and he said
Charlie you’ll be unstoppable just as
soon as you lose all that baby fat I
think thank you
this conversation though became
incredibly familiar this quiet
compliment about my skill couched in
some loud criticism about my appearance
over the next three years my mom
realized that while nothing in my body
was changing my self-esteem was and so
she asked of course if I wanted to make
space to get better and I said yes so I
went on a diet I counted calories I
measured food I distilled the pleasure
of eating into a cold and calculated
science but I lost 14 pounds and while
between us that 14 pounds most likely
stunted my growth it worked because by
18 the National Foundation for
advancement in the arts awarded me 2nd
place out of more than 10,000 high
school seniors in a competition called
the presidential honors I was so proud
and I felt at the top of my game I
confidently auditioned for 14 ballet
companies that year and all 14 of them
said no but it wasn’t just a no.1 letter
read we regret to inform you that we
have absolutely no use for a body like
yours in our company I was crestfallen
eventually through a friend of a friend
I did lend a job but it was sight unseen
and I noticed after the first year that
I was always cast as a clown or a court
jester
and when I asked why this was they said
it was because you do these parts so
well but I later learned a deeper truth
and so I asked you did you know that
there’s a height and a hair requirement
to be a prince I don’t meet those
requirements
well wondering if the grass could be
greener the following season I
auditioned for 41 companies casting a
wide net and this time all 41 said no my
favorite was the director who whispered
softly under his breath but still loud
enough for me to hear I just didn’t
think he’d actually be that short
surprised the weird thing though is that
while more than three dozen companies
were flatly rejecting my appearance my
skill was being considered for Prince
reward this is an international
acknowledgement that celebrates
achievement in the arts so I had near
best in the nation skill but it was
trapped in the body that nobody could
stomach at 21 I thought maybe now the
spell would be broken when I was cast as
the lead in George Balanchine steamin
variations like a black belt in karate
I’d earned my white tights except before
I could perform the part we needed to
get approval from the Balanchine
foundation because apparently I was
dangerously too short to play the role
it was just so frustrating I convinced
myself at that point that if I became
perfect maybe they would stop talking
about my body and so I got to work I
made as much space as possible to get
better I sacrificed friends and food
family everything I tried my best not to
listen to the critics teachers and
professionals who reminded me daily in
print and to my face that I was too
short fat thick squat robust and way too
chunky it was really hard to ignore
though when I was compared to a fireplug
on three separate occasions like what
are the chances if everybody’s thinking
it right one critic wrote a plump smooth
score in virtuoso to compact and balled
to be a prince so apparently there was a
requirement though he can do all the
steps and more I was the best worst body
onstage the penultimate blow for me came
when an international dance magazine
selected me for a feature article and
the title of the article was unorthodox
bodies and it more or less highlighted a
dancer who shouldn’t but still does I
felt like I belonged on a Coney Island
sideshow more than I did on a stage and
it turns out all of my effort to improve
my skill only drew more attention to my
appearance so it wasn’t that I’d failed
but it was that the food was me so
imagine for a moment that you find your
calling this magical place where nature
and nurture align when I was dancing I
was oblivious to my past to who I been
or who I was supposed to be
I was unconcerned with my future and
what was expected I didn’t care when I
was dancing I was perfectly present and
precisely me and when I was dancing I
was beautiful but now imagine that this
place where life just makes sense
becomes radioactive and the longer you
stay the sicker you become what do you
do do you quit or do you get sick I mean
both of them were a horrible punishment
and I felt like to make this decision I
needed objectivity so I went to my
journal and I mapped all of the critical
points in my career using elevation to
determine their value and then I
color-coded them by catalyst deciding
what made the event happen if it was
because of me wrong button me because of
others or because of chance and what
surprised me is that as attacked as I
felt people were only there to make my
life better and that every time chance
tore me down I was the one who stood
back up and in all of the best parts of
my career they happened because I said
yes I wasn’t a victim of circumstance
I was the driver in my life and in this
moment of clarity I on a Hail Mary pass
audition for Twyla Tharp and she hired
me on the spot to this day it’s one of
two times in my career that I was hired
for me not through friends of friends
and not through chance insight fully
seamed
dancing with her was paradise an
artistic incubation and within months
the year
Kian Critics Choice Awards voted me best
male dancer of the year I was thrilled
and I wondered if now that spell had
been broken I’d finally been untethered
from the nightmare of my body and a few
months later I got my answer I was being
considered for the leading role in her
Broadway show about the Vietnam War and
while I had her full support I learned
that some of the producers colleagues
and even best friends were convinced
that my short fat bald body couldn’t
portray the masculine heartthrob that
their role needed my body was
insufferable flat honest I felt like I
was living in a horror movie and my body
was the bad guy and no matter what I did
I just kept coming back well as a kid I
played this game and it was usually know
seated in the mezzanine looking out at
the audience below so for a brief moment
everybody please close your eyes and
imagine a snowstorm so thick that your
vision becomes this depthless field of
white and when all you can see is that
white I’d like you to notice what stands
out in this photo when you now open your
eyes okay one more time close your eyes
but this time once your eyes are shut
paint that white wall with crimson red
and when all you can see is red TEDx red
notice what stands out now when you open
your eyes this was a silly little game I
played with myself but what it showed me
was that we see in life kind of what
we’re looking for and so if I wanted to
be a heartthrob I just needed to change
how they saw me now as I saw it I could
do nothing and if I succeeded I’d be
lucky until luck ran out and then I’d be
a victim of circumstance if I did
something and succeeded why I’d be a
heartthrob my body would no longer
matter but if I failed I alone would be
to blame and unlike losing from inaction
losing from action this is like an
assault on your personal worth and I
believe that it’s this fear of failure
that leads us to believe doing nothing
is actually our best option hoping that
luck will get you where you need to go I
think that luck is lonely like a
one-night stand
while skill provides the benefits of a
long-term commitment and I’m the
marrying type so I knew in that moment
that I needed to turn chance into choice
problem solved
and mom says solving the problem is the
hard part everything thereafter is just
effort but I’ve noticed this trend among
people how we kind of think that life is
meant to just happen as it just
magically comes together and I call this
our double OTD syndrome or right out of
the box like an iPhone that comes
charged with enough juice for immediate
use and all of your personal needs met
we expect the perfect relationship right
out of the box the perfect job right out
of the box but if you’re part of the
population that’s living then you know
that this isn’t how life works that
momentum alone is not enough to get you
where you’re going life like dance needs
effort and when effort fails when effort
stops your potential for growth halts
and if I allowed myself to think this
way then I definitely would be too short
fat and bald to play this part I needed
to turn my dead-end into a doorway no
there we go in dance we count a basic
phrase 1 & 2 & 3 & 4 and generally the
first step happens on count 1 and with
count 1 judgment begins but in order to
get to count 1 requires having been
someplace moments prior like counting 0
and in this space between 0 & 1
before everything exists
anything is possible and this was my
secret watering hole in this space
between zero and one every complaint
finishes with so I’m too short so stand
taller jump higher learning visual
foreshortening
yeah but I’m too fat so watch what you
eat and contour your longest leanest
limes well but I’m too bald they said it
so I just try Rogaine in this space
between zero and one creativity effort
and responsibility thrive there’s no
winning or losing and certainly no blame
or credit denial or excuse so every
rehearsal I dove into this space between
zero and one and I let my first attempt
just start the conversation it was
neither good nor bad it just was and
then I did it again
and now I had a point of comparison
better and worse likely less likely and
I do this again and again and again and
again I did this for every step
valuating angles and speed quality and
emotion until I had the most holistic
understanding of what was possible and
what surprised me was in doing this I
was actually learning what was most and
least likely to happen I was developing
an ability to predict I was turning
chance into choice as prepared as I
could be moments before my debut I got
down to the stage and I thought about my
brother and how he tells me to go big or
go home
I was like Chuck I said to myself you’re
still short and thick but like strong
and I think the Rogaine is actually
making it worse
and it was so you can go out there and
be a short fat bald man who dances apart
or you can be the shortest fattest
boldest heartthrob who has ever lit up a
stage and it was right there my entire
career I stood out too much to fit in
and that whole time I was the one who
couldn’t accept that short fat and bald
could be the next best thing on the
block in that moment that what I needed
to change was not how they saw me I
needed to change how I saw myself and
with that levity I realized that all
that was left to do was go out on that
stage and fail to the very best of my
ability and I did I was the shortest
dancer on that stage who jumped as high
as the tallest and I was the thickest
dancer on that stage who moved lighter
than the rest and I dazzled that
audience with vemma active bald head
that Broadway had ever seen it it was
the most spectacular failure of my life
and I didn’t do it to prove a point to
producers or critics I just focused on
turning chance into choice on turning
luck into skill and I had the pleasure
of repeating that performance for
another year of my life many times a
week finally with self-acceptance and
humility and honesty short and chunky
they wrote wait they’re short and chunky
he’s a monster turner with impressive
acrobatic breakdancing one of the
wonders of the ballet world built like a
bulldog and yet able to create clear
lines his lack of inhibition belies his
unorthodox ballet frame there’s that
again Orthodox but at this point it
didn’t matter I mean this was like of a
sequel to that horror film franchise
that comes back like 15 years after the
original it didn’t matter I learned too
much from dance at this point that
living is physical learning is actually
painful and limits don’t exist that
kindness matters practice will pay off
and an honest passion is always rewarded
and I learned to be vulnerable that why
isn’t it changing there we go
to be vulnerable that discipline will
always overcome when determination
wavers and that your body will speak
truths that no words will ever express
but more than anything dance taught me
that failure is a rainstorm thank you
the sooner you let yourself get wet
though quicker you realize how fun it is
to skip through the puddles dance in the
street and feel the cold rain on your
face you remember how harmless water is
and so I ask you to go to that place
between zero and one or potential and
possibility thrive and then dive in
headfirst and see what you get from
natural talent and a will to survive in
my entire career I think my proudest
achievement happened unexpectedly on a
walk on 10th Avenue in New York a
stranger in his 70s stopped me on the
street he was a Vietnam vet and after he
stared at me for a moment he just asked
are you the guy who did that dance about
the war and I said yes he paused a
moment and then his eyes started to
water he grabbed my hand and he just
said thank you for setting me free and I
realized at that moment I’d accidentally
bumped into the only critic that
mattered
and he didn’t say anything about my body
so often we trap ourselves under silly
expectations of whom we were meant to be
and where we are allowed to go we become
too afraid to fail and we end up in a
dead-end well I think in that moment
I’ve learned that all of my
accomplishments were not because I know
in spite of my short fat bald body they
were because of it because it has
allowed me to say what I think needs to
be said that failure only exists when
you let it thank you
[Applause]
you
my hip replaced a week ago and while it
is not the story I want to share I have
I think a more interesting one for you
today when I was a kid
my mom set me down every day because she
noticed that my life festered with
frustration for the first several weeks
after my birthday she would explain to
me all the great new things that
six-year-old Charlie got to do that the
former 5 year old version couldn’t and I
was like an update really and the
instantly life would ease but while she
was reframing a growing pain as an
opportunity what she was actually doing
was teaching me that every day starts
with space to get better and so every
day I started with space to get better
at my handwriting and homework at making
friends baking cookies and at 10 I found
dance which was my perfect playground
for practice before long though a
teacher pulled me aside and said that if
I were serious about dance I needed to
lose weight okay this news hit me like a
belly-flop I was a kid I wasn’t prepared
to defend against body shaming and
honestly I wasn’t horribly fat but
teachers assured me that a growth spurt
would fix everything all I needed to do
was wait and in that interminable period
of waiting I thought it best to practice
and that practice paid off because by
12:00 the dance competition circuits
began rewarding me with scholarships to
summer programs and copious trophies the
kind of that little plastic figuring
that balances on the column the night
the judge awarded me best male dancer no
outstanding dancer of the competition he
came up to congratulate me and he said
Charlie you’ll be unstoppable just as
soon as you lose all that baby fat I
think thank you
this conversation though became
incredibly familiar this quiet
compliment about my skill couched in
some loud criticism about my appearance
over the next three years my mom
realized that while nothing in my body
was changing my self-esteem was and so
she asked of course if I wanted to make
space to get better and I said yes so I
went on a diet I counted calories I
measured food I distilled the pleasure
of eating into a cold and calculated
science but I lost 14 pounds and while
between us that 14 pounds most likely
stunted my growth it worked because by
18 the National Foundation for
advancement in the arts awarded me 2nd
place out of more than 10,000 high
school seniors in a competition called
the presidential honors I was so proud
and I felt at the top of my game I
confidently auditioned for 14 ballet
companies that year and all 14 of them
said no but it wasn’t just a no.1 letter
read we regret to inform you that we
have absolutely no use for a body like
yours in our company I was crestfallen
eventually through a friend of a friend
I did lend a job but it was sight unseen
and I noticed after the first year that
I was always cast as a clown or a court
jester
and when I asked why this was they said
it was because you do these parts so
well but I later learned a deeper truth
and so I asked you did you know that
there’s a height and a hair requirement
to be a prince I don’t meet those
requirements
well wondering if the grass could be
greener the following season I
auditioned for 41 companies casting a
wide net and this time all 41 said no my
favorite was the director who whispered
softly under his breath but still loud
enough for me to hear I just didn’t
think he’d actually be that short
surprised the weird thing though is that
while more than three dozen companies
were flatly rejecting my appearance my
skill was being considered for Prince
reward this is an international
acknowledgement that celebrates
achievement in the arts so I had near
best in the nation skill but it was
trapped in the body that nobody could
stomach at 21 I thought maybe now the
spell would be broken when I was cast as
the lead in George Balanchine steamin
variations like a black belt in karate
I’d earned my white tights except before
I could perform the part we needed to
get approval from the Balanchine
foundation because apparently I was
dangerously too short to play the role
it was just so frustrating I convinced
myself at that point that if I became
perfect maybe they would stop talking
about my body and so I got to work I
made as much space as possible to get
better I sacrificed friends and food
family everything I tried my best not to
listen to the critics teachers and
professionals who reminded me daily in
print and to my face that I was too
short fat thick squat robust and way too
chunky it was really hard to ignore
though when I was compared to a fireplug
on three separate occasions like what
are the chances if everybody’s thinking
it right one critic wrote a plump smooth
score in virtuoso to compact and balled
to be a prince so apparently there was a
requirement though he can do all the
steps and more I was the best worst body
onstage the penultimate blow for me came
when an international dance magazine
selected me for a feature article and
the title of the article was unorthodox
bodies and it more or less highlighted a
dancer who shouldn’t but still does I
felt like I belonged on a Coney Island
sideshow more than I did on a stage and
it turns out all of my effort to improve
my skill only drew more attention to my
appearance so it wasn’t that I’d failed
but it was that the food was me so
imagine for a moment that you find your
calling this magical place where nature
and nurture align when I was dancing I
was oblivious to my past to who I been
or who I was supposed to be
I was unconcerned with my future and
what was expected I didn’t care when I
was dancing I was perfectly present and
precisely me and when I was dancing I
was beautiful but now imagine that this
place where life just makes sense
becomes radioactive and the longer you
stay the sicker you become what do you
do do you quit or do you get sick I mean
both of them were a horrible punishment
and I felt like to make this decision I
needed objectivity so I went to my
journal and I mapped all of the critical
points in my career using elevation to
determine their value and then I
color-coded them by catalyst deciding
what made the event happen if it was
because of me wrong button me because of
others or because of chance and what
surprised me is that as attacked as I
felt people were only there to make my
life better and that every time chance
tore me down I was the one who stood
back up and in all of the best parts of
my career they happened because I said
yes I wasn’t a victim of circumstance
I was the driver in my life and in this
moment of clarity I on a Hail Mary pass
audition for Twyla Tharp and she hired
me on the spot to this day it’s one of
two times in my career that I was hired
for me not through friends of friends
and not through chance insight fully
seamed
dancing with her was paradise an
artistic incubation and within months
the year
Kian Critics Choice Awards voted me best
male dancer of the year I was thrilled
and I wondered if now that spell had
been broken I’d finally been untethered
from the nightmare of my body and a few
months later I got my answer I was being
considered for the leading role in her
Broadway show about the Vietnam War and
while I had her full support I learned
that some of the producers colleagues
and even best friends were convinced
that my short fat bald body couldn’t
portray the masculine heartthrob that
their role needed my body was
insufferable flat honest I felt like I
was living in a horror movie and my body
was the bad guy and no matter what I did
I just kept coming back well as a kid I
played this game and it was usually know
seated in the mezzanine looking out at
the audience below so for a brief moment
everybody please close your eyes and
imagine a snowstorm so thick that your
vision becomes this depthless field of
white and when all you can see is that
white I’d like you to notice what stands
out in this photo when you now open your
eyes okay one more time close your eyes
but this time once your eyes are shut
paint that white wall with crimson red
and when all you can see is red TEDx red
notice what stands out now when you open
your eyes this was a silly little game I
played with myself but what it showed me
was that we see in life kind of what
we’re looking for and so if I wanted to
be a heartthrob I just needed to change
how they saw me now as I saw it I could
do nothing and if I succeeded I’d be
lucky until luck ran out and then I’d be
a victim of circumstance if I did
something and succeeded why I’d be a
heartthrob my body would no longer
matter but if I failed I alone would be
to blame and unlike losing from inaction
losing from action this is like an
assault on your personal worth and I
believe that it’s this fear of failure
that leads us to believe doing nothing
is actually our best option hoping that
luck will get you where you need to go I
think that luck is lonely like a
one-night stand
while skill provides the benefits of a
long-term commitment and I’m the
marrying type so I knew in that moment
that I needed to turn chance into choice
problem solved
and mom says solving the problem is the
hard part everything thereafter is just
effort but I’ve noticed this trend among
people how we kind of think that life is
meant to just happen as it just
magically comes together and I call this
our double OTD syndrome or right out of
the box like an iPhone that comes
charged with enough juice for immediate
use and all of your personal needs met
we expect the perfect relationship right
out of the box the perfect job right out
of the box but if you’re part of the
population that’s living then you know
that this isn’t how life works that
momentum alone is not enough to get you
where you’re going life like dance needs
effort and when effort fails when effort
stops your potential for growth halts
and if I allowed myself to think this
way then I definitely would be too short
fat and bald to play this part I needed
to turn my dead-end into a doorway no
there we go in dance we count a basic
phrase 1 & 2 & 3 & 4 and generally the
first step happens on count 1 and with
count 1 judgment begins but in order to
get to count 1 requires having been
someplace moments prior like counting 0
and in this space between 0 & 1
before everything exists
anything is possible and this was my
secret watering hole in this space
between zero and one every complaint
finishes with so I’m too short so stand
taller jump higher learning visual
foreshortening
yeah but I’m too fat so watch what you
eat and contour your longest leanest
limes well but I’m too bald they said it
so I just try Rogaine in this space
between zero and one creativity effort
and responsibility thrive there’s no
winning or losing and certainly no blame
or credit denial or excuse so every
rehearsal I dove into this space between
zero and one and I let my first attempt
just start the conversation it was
neither good nor bad it just was and
then I did it again
and now I had a point of comparison
better and worse likely less likely and
I do this again and again and again and
again I did this for every step
valuating angles and speed quality and
emotion until I had the most holistic
understanding of what was possible and
what surprised me was in doing this I
was actually learning what was most and
least likely to happen I was developing
an ability to predict I was turning
chance into choice as prepared as I
could be moments before my debut I got
down to the stage and I thought about my
brother and how he tells me to go big or
go home
I was like Chuck I said to myself you’re
still short and thick but like strong
and I think the Rogaine is actually
making it worse
and it was so you can go out there and
be a short fat bald man who dances apart
or you can be the shortest fattest
boldest heartthrob who has ever lit up a
stage and it was right there my entire
career I stood out too much to fit in
and that whole time I was the one who
couldn’t accept that short fat and bald
could be the next best thing on the
block in that moment that what I needed
to change was not how they saw me I
needed to change how I saw myself and
with that levity I realized that all
that was left to do was go out on that
stage and fail to the very best of my
ability and I did I was the shortest
dancer on that stage who jumped as high
as the tallest and I was the thickest
dancer on that stage who moved lighter
than the rest and I dazzled that
audience with vemma active bald head
that Broadway had ever seen it it was
the most spectacular failure of my life
and I didn’t do it to prove a point to
producers or critics I just focused on
turning chance into choice on turning
luck into skill and I had the pleasure
of repeating that performance for
another year of my life many times a
week finally with self-acceptance and
humility and honesty short and chunky
they wrote wait they’re short and chunky
he’s a monster turner with impressive
acrobatic breakdancing one of the
wonders of the ballet world built like a
bulldog and yet able to create clear
lines his lack of inhibition belies his
unorthodox ballet frame there’s that
again Orthodox but at this point it
didn’t matter I mean this was like of a
sequel to that horror film franchise
that comes back like 15 years after the
original it didn’t matter I learned too
much from dance at this point that
living is physical learning is actually
painful and limits don’t exist that
kindness matters practice will pay off
and an honest passion is always rewarded
and I learned to be vulnerable that why
isn’t it changing there we go
to be vulnerable that discipline will
always overcome when determination
wavers and that your body will speak
truths that no words will ever express
but more than anything dance taught me
that failure is a rainstorm thank you
the sooner you let yourself get wet
though quicker you realize how fun it is
to skip through the puddles dance in the
street and feel the cold rain on your
face you remember how harmless water is
and so I ask you to go to that place
between zero and one or potential and
possibility thrive and then dive in
headfirst and see what you get from
natural talent and a will to survive in
my entire career I think my proudest
achievement happened unexpectedly on a
walk on 10th Avenue in New York a
stranger in his 70s stopped me on the
street he was a Vietnam vet and after he
stared at me for a moment he just asked
are you the guy who did that dance about
the war and I said yes he paused a
moment and then his eyes started to
water he grabbed my hand and he just
said thank you for setting me free and I
realized at that moment I’d accidentally
bumped into the only critic that
mattered
and he didn’t say anything about my body
so often we trap ourselves under silly
expectations of whom we were meant to be
and where we are allowed to go we become
too afraid to fail and we end up in a
dead-end well I think in that moment
I’ve learned that all of my
accomplishments were not because I know
in spite of my short fat bald body they
were because of it because it has
allowed me to say what I think needs to
be said that failure only exists when
you let it thank you
[Applause]
you
Please follow and like us: