don’t have a big idea to share with you
today instead I brought you a tiny
little poem it’s by my favorite Turkish
poet a man who lost a letter of his name
in a bet it’s titled short and it goes
life is short
birds are flying let me give you an
example I met the love of my life
24 years ago on this very campus she was
a beautiful smart strong kind
within minutes we connected within an
hour we were friends
within weeks we started dating and
within a few years we got married under
a giant shuttlecock I had something that
I could not have even dreamed of it’s
not like we both had been looking to get
married we just could never separate we
just came together every day we grew
together we helped raise each other we
were lucky to have loving parents and
great friends but mostly we had each
other and for many years we fought along
the way to get to where I should have
been ecstatic this moment in 2011 I had
a soulmate somebody who stood by me
regardless so what happened we’d had
challenges we’d had crazy stories we
suffered not just one but two 7.4
earthquakes we managed to escape from a
hotel taken over by 15 armed rebels and
was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis
I had many bubbles and many bursts
throughout my career I was a columnist
and then I was a retired writer I was a
movie producer TV producer with a bright
future and then I had nothing up and
down but all along the way we had each
other and at this moment I should have
been full of joy and gratitude that we
had come from that moment in 92 when I
met her as a freshman here to this
moment 19 years later and was able to do
what she loved doing which was
connecting people with each other and
art and ideas and she worked as an art
educator and her work was recently
recognized there was a symposium last
week at Smith College in her honor where
300 / colleagues attended and I was able
to be a part of that and whatever I did
she was a part of it but still I
wanted what we’re all told to want in
life to live longer to live with
financial security to live with
reputation
I was the perfectionist it just was
never quite good enough and I would be
caught with anxiety and then Anne would
hold me and she would remind me the
title of the autobiography of none other
than Dennis Rodman she would have me say
it I’m as bad as I wanna be and it just
was never quite loud enough or strong
enough she’d have me shaking and flexing
and yelling and then we’d both break out
and laughter because it was just plain
stupid but that little moment was always
a reminder that no matter what happened
we had that so I thought I would have
been ready for anything but shortly
after that vacation that you shall yet
that you saw the picture of we came back
and got the news that Anne had
late-stage ovarian cancer something
where the median ages 62 and Anne was 38
years old it was really one in a million
we couldn’t find a rhyme or reason
nobody was able to give us an
all the worries all the anxiety nothing
mattered because here was the real deal
I had spent my life having nightmares
about this and that and this was
something that I would have been too
afraid to have a nightmare about and yet
this was my life I woke up to it every
morning but my strength was in Anne she
went through a major surgery seven
liters of cancerous fluid ascites was
removed and it came roaring back so she
had to go on chemo right away and before
we got a chance to get out of the
hospital I had to grab the kids bring
them and and wanted them to cut her hair
and she showed her game face and she
crushed it she did whatever she could
have done with all the effort all the
fight all the smile and she went into
remission but the surgery wound would
not close for eight months so even when
she was in remission she still had a
hole in her belly where you could see
inside her every day when she was being
treated after that close maybe there
were two months where we were able to
settle down and think you know what
maybe this is one and done that would
have given us some semblance of a normal
future we could learn from it move live
even better live more I
lost 60 pounds and quit smoking in the
same year I just could have jumped from
a third floor of a building and kept
running it was fight or flight mode we
both were going to do whatever it took
but it wasn’t quite enough it came back
quickly telling us that we had maybe two
years our Hospital was in Boston which
is anywhere from one and a half hours to
four hours from where we live we did
that trip hundreds of times she would
get in all day long treatment after
treatment doctor’s visits I mean we’re
talking 20 $30,000 worth of Hospital in
one day and we would drive back that way
our kids would be home and comfortable
and this is an after one of those trips
it’s around 9 p.m. we’re in a rest area
and she’s been through the wringer and
she’s smiling she had made her peace
with the anger what had happened she
just was worried about what was next she
went to an ovarian cancer retreat two
years after she was diagnosed she said
this was one of her favorite pictures
because at this moment she felt free she
said I made my peace with living and
dying I’m not worried about what comes
next
I know death will happen
I’m just going to live now and we would
have when presented with a year left to
live
realistically with maybe make a bucket
list and didn’t need to she barely
changed anything she had been living the
way she would have been living with one
year left to live she didn’t want to
travel to exotic places or get this or
that she got a lawyer
she brought a will she filed for home
loan modification paperwork this thick
four times nothing sexy just love and
she just wanted to stay connected with
the people she loved because that’s what
she did and that year shortly after the
retreat she started having an intestinal
blockage so she was able to eat less and
less and less and finally she could not
eat any solid foods and we were lucky if
we could get 200 calories in her but for
months
she basically starved and even here a
few days before she passed away she was
home with our children Dayton and Ronan
connecting with them she did not stay
there
she had quilts made from her clothes for
each of our kids
she put boats from her favorite book the
little prince she recorded YouTube
videos for all three of us
what magic mommy sees in Ronin magic
mommy seasons Aten pump up or Ozzy
lullaby for Ozzy and our kids had always
been constipated so she had made up a
song called a poop is a wish herb but
makes she recorded that too she wrote a
love song for me my best friend recorded
finally thought maybe we can reach out
and say something and maybe grab
somebody else from ovarian cancer so we
reached out to one of my former
colleagues in Turkey and told her our
story wanted to raise awareness for
ovarian cancer but with the cultural
differences and the fact that here was
an saying I have a few weeks left but
life is still beautiful they decided
this was a big story and this interview
went viral many people were talking
about Ann because she had shown what
appeared to be courage and she was
saying
I’ve lived beautifully I’m dying
beautifully I’ve been lucky my whole
life I met the love of my life I had two
great kids I do what I love
doing I never said why me then why
should I say now
she showed incredible grace and when she
died she was in the news in Turkey that
Annie passed away there were tributes to
her in social media like this one by a
Turkish designer when aunt passed away I
didn’t just lose my past the woman that
I had grown up with that I shared my
entire adult life I lost more than a
half of me it felt like a tree being cut
down the middle yet I still had to
provide shade and shelter and thrive for
my kids I didn’t want to live but I had
to survive and then at Anne’s funeral my
daughter picked up the mic and said
there’s this book from Wally I don’t
want to survive I want to live she said
when you see me running around in the
playground laughing singing acting like
nothing happened
don’t think I don’t miss my mom I’m just
going to live like I promised her I
would live and Ann had been encouraging
me as she was dying and starving to find
love after her we’d be in each other’s
for 22 years and yet she was saying
don’t wait four years I know you’ll
suffer but don’t wait two months don’t
care what anybody says even if it’s
scandalous don’t care
find love find someone who makes you
happy and a year after Anne died I put
her on my arm and I put that little poem
on the back of my hand so I would never
forget it because life is short and birds are flying