[Music]
when the speaker list for TEDx Troy was
announced you may have seen my name on
it
it’s full of educators innovators and
experts and there was me
I wondered what I was doing there as
well especially the last couple of hours
but I would like to tell you a little
bit about myself before I really get
started this afternoon so I’m 39 years
old I am married with one son and I live
in Newquay I have a range of pets
including a dog a dwarf rabbit two
chinchillas and even an African pygmy
hedgehog I have depression
now you might now be thinking oh no
she’s gonna make us cry or you might be
thinking that I want you to feel sorry
for me but I’m telling you this now
because it’s actually I’m something I’m
fairly proud of it’s been part of me for
the last nine or ten years it’s with me
every single day some days I don’t
really notice it that much other days it
certainly does weigh heavy on my
shoulders
in fact it’s with me so much that I’ve
given it a name and I call it Bob now
Sunday’s bob is as light as a feather
and I don’t really notice that he’s
around
other days bob has eaten way too many
cakes and he is extremely heavy to carry
those are definitely the dark days you
might be wondering if I know what Bob
looks like well here is Bob on my back
Bob is a rather nice-looking
cuddly-looking sleuth that I carry
around very lazy doesn’t move a lot and
just literally hangs there for support
and expects me to carry him everywhere
but I might not be alone with some of
the feelings that I have because
statistics say that two in three of us
during the course of our lifetime will
have a mental health problem that could
be 200 maybe even 250 of us sat here
right now
but how do we know who those people are
I want you just to imagine for a moment
that you’re sat in a room with a friend
someone that you’ve known for many years
maybe someone that you went to school
with someone you grew up with you know
pretty much everything there is to know
about them you know where they live you
know they’re married with two kids and
every summer they go on holiday to Spain
you also know that last night they had a
Chinese takeaway for their tea but
you’ve not actually had a real
conversation face to face with this
person for the last 20 years you have
got no idea that they are going through
depression or another mental health
problem but you are friends with them
well you are on Facebook anyway well
that was me 9 or 10 years ago my 200
Facebook friends had no idea what I was
going through they saw me online as a
bit of a joker married house decent job
I was doing alright they didn’t see that
behind the scenes I was struggling to
get out of bed everyday wondering what
the point and it all was and then it
happened one day on the drive to Truro
to work I stopped the car I physically
stopped I couldn’t go on bob had
squeezed and crushed the life out of me
I turned the car around drove home and
went to bed it was like I instantly
forgot how to do everything how to brush
my hair how to get dressed even boiling
water to make a cup of tea just didn’t
seem logical anymore
it was a really really difficult time
and even now nine years on some of those
thoughts that I had back then are still
really difficult to talk about I just
remember it being a time of real
darkness and a void of emptiness and
nothingness I was signed off work and
put on antidepressants which kind of
made me feel a bit like a zombie I lay
in bed sat on the sofa didn’t really do
anything
eventually I was referred for CBT which
is cognitive behavior therapy it’s a
type of talking therapy that aims to
change the way that you think and behave
my first hour-long session was a little
bit how I imagined an interrogation
might go just questions and questions
and questions fired at me and then even
worse than that was the homework I was
to keep a diary as to how I was doing
every single day to tick the smiley box
or put a cross in the sad face box
depending on my achievements had I
brushed my hair today yes
tick had I managed to get out of bed and
get changed today yes another smiley
face had I managed to make myself some
breakfast no cross while CBT undoubtedly
works and helps many people I hated it
it wasn’t really getting to the root of
the problem
it was just trying to mask me into
thinking I didn’t have a problem and
clearly I did it didn’t help that my
therapist regularly canceled my
appointments at the last minute or just
didn’t bother turning up for someone who
was at the breaking point as I was then
this really took me to the edge I should
point out at this stage that my friends
that knew about it and my family members
were being as supportive as they could
but it was me it was me who couldn’t
talk to them how do you tell people that
you love and that love you that you want
to self-harm or that you’re not sure
about living but it wasn’t about really
wanting to die it was about wanting to
be free free from this feeling free from
the darkness free to be Emma and not Bob
weeks turned into months my story so far
I admit has probably left you feeling a
bit gloomy so I’m going to take you now
to the point where things began to
change for me because you see in all of
the dark
and this void there was still alight
there was still a glimmer deep inside me
I really knew something had to change
and the only person that could change it
was going to be me an internet search
one day while I was sat at home led me
to may tree may tree a sanctuary for the
suicidal a house in London the only one
of its kind in the UK were those in
desperate need could spend four nights
in a place of shelter safety and comfort
it sounded like an amazing place that
would really help me but there was a
slight problem I was in Cornwall this
house was in London and I could barely
walk out of the front door I’d have to
go to London on my own this would have
been hard enough if I was feeling well
not being a particularly good Cornish
woman with a map in a big city however I
was at such a low point I really didn’t
know how I would cope going to London on
my own navigating the underground on my
own it was a big challenge but I knew it
was my only option and a phone call with
one of the directors led me to believe
this was the place for me to go so a
week later I boarded the train a bomb in
Parkway and I was on my way the next few
days were actually quite amazing people
spoke to me as Emma not as an NHS number
or as a diagnosis or as Bob I met other
people going through their own mental
health journeys all very different to
mine but we bonded over coffee walks
around the garden and even making kinder
egg toys sat around the kitchen table
you know we actually had fun in this
house of suicidal people we actually
laughed we would joke about how we would
have to get permission to unlock the
drawer of knives two butter our toast in
the morning even something like boiling
the kettle must have carried its own
risk assessments in fact the risk
assessments must have been completely
endless
we had structure therapy sessions and we
also had lots of time to speak to the
trained volunteers one of these sessions
for me began to change everything I sat
in this may May sunny may tree garden
with a guy called Chris Chris came from
Manchester we didn’t really have a lot
in common but we sat at the bottom of
the garden drinking tea and just talking
about stuff where we came from our lives
our hopes our dreams our futures and for
some reason I just began to open up and
talk about how I was feeling and he
listened over the next two hours we
drank lots of tea we hugged we laughed
we cried together and by the end of it
the weight had begun to shift Bob had
officially been put on a diet
I came back to Cornwall feeling so much
better it wasn’t as if a miracle had
occurred though it was more of fact I’d
realized that I was still Emma and I
wasn’t Bob the only way I can really
describe it is you know if you’re on a
plane on a runway and you’re waiting to
take off and all you can see above you
is kind of gray cloud and white cloud
and as you accelerate down the runway
and you take off you climb through the
different layers of cloud you climb
through the white and the gray and the
dark gray or maybe even the black and on
the other side of the cloud you see this
amazing blue sky and the sunlight you
couldn’t see it from the ground but it
was always there you just couldn’t see
it that’s how it felt to me the next few
weeks and months things began to get
gradually easier I began to open up and
to talk to people more it was still
difficult but I still managed to make
some of those conversations happen
the amazing thing started to happen that
when I started to talk to people about
my journey people told me about there’s
so many of my friends had had their own
mental health problems I knew nothing
about and if they didn’t they knew
someone who had
it became obvious that these pretty
perfect worlds some of us were living
out there particularly on social media
weren’t actually true it was a very
strange time but the conversations I had
meant that I managed to make links with
so many more people conversation is a
funny thing isn’t it
you know we communicate and converse
with each other in so many ways every
day 2.4 million emails are sent every
single second around the world every
minute on Facebook there are 500,000
posts liked and every day on Twitter 500
million tweets are sent around the world
this gives us incredible scope to talk
about mental health in such a big
powerful way especially with younger
people that use social media so much
more now but it’s not enough it’s not
enough because social media is not
always real breaking down these barriers
is gonna take real conversations I
believe it’s up to all of us especially
those of us that have been through our
own journeys to share our stories to
make that conversation happen because we
all have mental health just like we all
have physical health and that’s my ask
of you here today with me remember that
statistic from the start of my talk that
2 in 3 of us during the course of our
lifetime will have a mental health
problem if that’s you sitting there
right now I want you to do something in
the next break I want you to go out and
think about who you can talk to it could
be someone that’s here with you today it
could be a loved one a family member it
could be someone at work or maybe even a
confidential helpline or your GP but
have that conversation break down your
own barrier first and then help to break
down barriers for other people you might
not find the right person to talk to you
straight away I didn’t but keep looking
there are people out there that will
help
we just need to say it as it is my name
is Emma I have depression but I am still
Emma thank you
[Applause]
when the speaker list for TEDx Troy was
announced you may have seen my name on
it
it’s full of educators innovators and
experts and there was me
I wondered what I was doing there as
well especially the last couple of hours
but I would like to tell you a little
bit about myself before I really get
started this afternoon so I’m 39 years
old I am married with one son and I live
in Newquay I have a range of pets
including a dog a dwarf rabbit two
chinchillas and even an African pygmy
hedgehog I have depression
now you might now be thinking oh no
she’s gonna make us cry or you might be
thinking that I want you to feel sorry
for me but I’m telling you this now
because it’s actually I’m something I’m
fairly proud of it’s been part of me for
the last nine or ten years it’s with me
every single day some days I don’t
really notice it that much other days it
certainly does weigh heavy on my
shoulders
in fact it’s with me so much that I’ve
given it a name and I call it Bob now
Sunday’s bob is as light as a feather
and I don’t really notice that he’s
around
other days bob has eaten way too many
cakes and he is extremely heavy to carry
those are definitely the dark days you
might be wondering if I know what Bob
looks like well here is Bob on my back
Bob is a rather nice-looking
cuddly-looking sleuth that I carry
around very lazy doesn’t move a lot and
just literally hangs there for support
and expects me to carry him everywhere
but I might not be alone with some of
the feelings that I have because
statistics say that two in three of us
during the course of our lifetime will
have a mental health problem that could
be 200 maybe even 250 of us sat here
right now
but how do we know who those people are
I want you just to imagine for a moment
that you’re sat in a room with a friend
someone that you’ve known for many years
maybe someone that you went to school
with someone you grew up with you know
pretty much everything there is to know
about them you know where they live you
know they’re married with two kids and
every summer they go on holiday to Spain
you also know that last night they had a
Chinese takeaway for their tea but
you’ve not actually had a real
conversation face to face with this
person for the last 20 years you have
got no idea that they are going through
depression or another mental health
problem but you are friends with them
well you are on Facebook anyway well
that was me 9 or 10 years ago my 200
Facebook friends had no idea what I was
going through they saw me online as a
bit of a joker married house decent job
I was doing alright they didn’t see that
behind the scenes I was struggling to
get out of bed everyday wondering what
the point and it all was and then it
happened one day on the drive to Truro
to work I stopped the car I physically
stopped I couldn’t go on bob had
squeezed and crushed the life out of me
I turned the car around drove home and
went to bed it was like I instantly
forgot how to do everything how to brush
my hair how to get dressed even boiling
water to make a cup of tea just didn’t
seem logical anymore
it was a really really difficult time
and even now nine years on some of those
thoughts that I had back then are still
really difficult to talk about I just
remember it being a time of real
darkness and a void of emptiness and
nothingness I was signed off work and
put on antidepressants which kind of
made me feel a bit like a zombie I lay
in bed sat on the sofa didn’t really do
anything
eventually I was referred for CBT which
is cognitive behavior therapy it’s a
type of talking therapy that aims to
change the way that you think and behave
my first hour-long session was a little
bit how I imagined an interrogation
might go just questions and questions
and questions fired at me and then even
worse than that was the homework I was
to keep a diary as to how I was doing
every single day to tick the smiley box
or put a cross in the sad face box
depending on my achievements had I
brushed my hair today yes
tick had I managed to get out of bed and
get changed today yes another smiley
face had I managed to make myself some
breakfast no cross while CBT undoubtedly
works and helps many people I hated it
it wasn’t really getting to the root of
the problem
it was just trying to mask me into
thinking I didn’t have a problem and
clearly I did it didn’t help that my
therapist regularly canceled my
appointments at the last minute or just
didn’t bother turning up for someone who
was at the breaking point as I was then
this really took me to the edge I should
point out at this stage that my friends
that knew about it and my family members
were being as supportive as they could
but it was me it was me who couldn’t
talk to them how do you tell people that
you love and that love you that you want
to self-harm or that you’re not sure
about living but it wasn’t about really
wanting to die it was about wanting to
be free free from this feeling free from
the darkness free to be Emma and not Bob
weeks turned into months my story so far
I admit has probably left you feeling a
bit gloomy so I’m going to take you now
to the point where things began to
change for me because you see in all of
the dark
and this void there was still alight
there was still a glimmer deep inside me
I really knew something had to change
and the only person that could change it
was going to be me an internet search
one day while I was sat at home led me
to may tree may tree a sanctuary for the
suicidal a house in London the only one
of its kind in the UK were those in
desperate need could spend four nights
in a place of shelter safety and comfort
it sounded like an amazing place that
would really help me but there was a
slight problem I was in Cornwall this
house was in London and I could barely
walk out of the front door I’d have to
go to London on my own this would have
been hard enough if I was feeling well
not being a particularly good Cornish
woman with a map in a big city however I
was at such a low point I really didn’t
know how I would cope going to London on
my own navigating the underground on my
own it was a big challenge but I knew it
was my only option and a phone call with
one of the directors led me to believe
this was the place for me to go so a
week later I boarded the train a bomb in
Parkway and I was on my way the next few
days were actually quite amazing people
spoke to me as Emma not as an NHS number
or as a diagnosis or as Bob I met other
people going through their own mental
health journeys all very different to
mine but we bonded over coffee walks
around the garden and even making kinder
egg toys sat around the kitchen table
you know we actually had fun in this
house of suicidal people we actually
laughed we would joke about how we would
have to get permission to unlock the
drawer of knives two butter our toast in
the morning even something like boiling
the kettle must have carried its own
risk assessments in fact the risk
assessments must have been completely
endless
we had structure therapy sessions and we
also had lots of time to speak to the
trained volunteers one of these sessions
for me began to change everything I sat
in this may May sunny may tree garden
with a guy called Chris Chris came from
Manchester we didn’t really have a lot
in common but we sat at the bottom of
the garden drinking tea and just talking
about stuff where we came from our lives
our hopes our dreams our futures and for
some reason I just began to open up and
talk about how I was feeling and he
listened over the next two hours we
drank lots of tea we hugged we laughed
we cried together and by the end of it
the weight had begun to shift Bob had
officially been put on a diet
I came back to Cornwall feeling so much
better it wasn’t as if a miracle had
occurred though it was more of fact I’d
realized that I was still Emma and I
wasn’t Bob the only way I can really
describe it is you know if you’re on a
plane on a runway and you’re waiting to
take off and all you can see above you
is kind of gray cloud and white cloud
and as you accelerate down the runway
and you take off you climb through the
different layers of cloud you climb
through the white and the gray and the
dark gray or maybe even the black and on
the other side of the cloud you see this
amazing blue sky and the sunlight you
couldn’t see it from the ground but it
was always there you just couldn’t see
it that’s how it felt to me the next few
weeks and months things began to get
gradually easier I began to open up and
to talk to people more it was still
difficult but I still managed to make
some of those conversations happen
the amazing thing started to happen that
when I started to talk to people about
my journey people told me about there’s
so many of my friends had had their own
mental health problems I knew nothing
about and if they didn’t they knew
someone who had
it became obvious that these pretty
perfect worlds some of us were living
out there particularly on social media
weren’t actually true it was a very
strange time but the conversations I had
meant that I managed to make links with
so many more people conversation is a
funny thing isn’t it
you know we communicate and converse
with each other in so many ways every
day 2.4 million emails are sent every
single second around the world every
minute on Facebook there are 500,000
posts liked and every day on Twitter 500
million tweets are sent around the world
this gives us incredible scope to talk
about mental health in such a big
powerful way especially with younger
people that use social media so much
more now but it’s not enough it’s not
enough because social media is not
always real breaking down these barriers
is gonna take real conversations I
believe it’s up to all of us especially
those of us that have been through our
own journeys to share our stories to
make that conversation happen because we
all have mental health just like we all
have physical health and that’s my ask
of you here today with me remember that
statistic from the start of my talk that
2 in 3 of us during the course of our
lifetime will have a mental health
problem if that’s you sitting there
right now I want you to do something in
the next break I want you to go out and
think about who you can talk to it could
be someone that’s here with you today it
could be a loved one a family member it
could be someone at work or maybe even a
confidential helpline or your GP but
have that conversation break down your
own barrier first and then help to break
down barriers for other people you might
not find the right person to talk to you
straight away I didn’t but keep looking
there are people out there that will
help
we just need to say it as it is my name
is Emma I have depression but I am still
Emma thank you
[Applause]
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