surprised to learn that I am a retired
United States Army captain and that’s
fair
because I don’t look like your
stereotypical American soldier you’re
sitting there and you’re looking at me
you see a woman petite latina and you’re
thinking there’s no way she can fit all
the hair on there a hat but growing up I
never felt that I was very smart or that
I was particularly good in anything so I
figured the best place for me would be
working for the government and I joined
the army when I was 18 years old and at
the time it felt like serving my country
was the right thing to do because he was
2001 eight months before 9/11 and I had
just finished my first semester of
college I was living at my parents house
in Puerto Rico and I was working at a
fast-food and facing thousands of
dollars in debt that I couldn’t repay
and here was an army recruiter telling
me hey if you’re joining the army we
pretty much are gonna give you free
everything just sign this piece of paper
so I looked at my options and I’m like
well you know what really all I can do
is I can drop out of college I can take
out some more loans or I can just join
the National Guard and have them pay for
school and that’s what I get so as a
young per weekend woman and a proud
American I said yes one Uncle Sam called
so five years later I graduated college
and I moved to Germany as a brand new
lieutenant and it was exciting you know
coming from a small island in the
Caribbean living in Europe felt like a
dream come true and this is the first
time that I had my own place I was
making a decent paycheck I was traveling
all over to places that I even know
existed at work I had you know amazing
co-workers I work with you know some
some people that are still some of my
best friends to this day and just my
life just seemed perfect and exciting
for anybody looking in from the outside
or anybody scrolling through my social
media profile on MySpace and slowly I
started feeling the weight of all those
times that I had to come up with polite
replies to unwanted attention from
superiors and subordinates the times
when people laughed behind my back and
to my face because of my thick Pro Rican
accent the times that I looked around
and realized that none of my peers
looked like me and a few times when we
did encounter someone similar to me
having people go oh you’re from the same
place you must know each other so I
think as a result I just became a little
bit more reserved and defensive and
almost as a you know coping mechanism I
built this wall between you know me and
my soldiers so us not to give the
impression of anything other than a
professional relationship and I started
changing myself and going against what I
really was so I could fit in and excel
in that environment and I also learned
to grow thicker skin which really it’s
just nothing more that when somebody
made an inappropriate comment I just
resisted the urge to punch them in the
face
and I remember even order in this set of
audio books called American accent
training so I could get rid of my accent
and learn to speak the right way to
learn to say works properly to say
Internet instead of Internet to say
bogus instead of bogus and focus instead
of so as the years passed every day I
got up in the morning I put on my
uniform and with my uniform I also put
on an invisible mask and pretended to be
somebody I wasn’t and it worked every
day until one day in the summer of 2013
I broke down in the emergency room and I
was admitted to the hospital for major
depression and suicidal ideation and
this was a surprise to me I didn’t know
I was depressed I just thought this is
the way everybody feels I had no reason
to be suicidal I had an amazing career a
beautiful family I was healthy so the
fact that I was there in the hospital
for five days crying non-stop and
feeling so miserable that I didn’t want
to leave anymore it just made me
disgusted with myself and guilty I feel
guilty for being so selfish and shallow
and I’m grateful I was a fraud and I
felt trapped because all my
accomplishments professionally and
personal were just pure luck and someone
was gonna find out soon who the real me
was and they were not gonna like it
I was a liar
pretending that I was in control went
inside I knew I would never measure up
to the people around me I was in
excruciating pain the kind of pain that
you can feel in your body but somehow
it’s there and you can’t make it stop
because you don’t know where it’s coming
from and there I’m my worst I felt like
I was drowning and no matter how hard I
tried to get to the surface life kept
pushing me down and see swimming gets
exhausting so when I’m going through
major depressive episode it feels like
whatever there is on the surface is not
worth swimming for so I quit a few days
later I was discharged from the hospital
with a brown bag full of pills and a
treatment plan I felt better I did
because I realized for the first time
that I wasn’t crazy I wasn’t ungrateful
I was sick I had a chronic illness and I
needed to learn how to manage that so at
work you know I I went back to work we
started going to therapy every week and
we made some adjustments so I could
start healing but eventually the army
decided that all my medical conditions
made me unfit for duty and we began the
process of a medical discharge and I
thought you know what this is good
because you know finally I’m gonna have
the time this is gonna give me the
opportunity to take care of myself and
spend time with my family so thanks for
looking up I went on terminal leave to
transition out of the military and what
I was going through that process I found
that I was pregnant for the second time
and this was great news because my
husband and I have been trying for two
years to get pregnant again and you know
this is kind of like a do-over you know
I’m gonna have the chance to do all the
things that I couldn’t do it with my
first daughter because I was working all
the time so I was just so happy
for about eight weeks because I was
diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy and
this happens when the fertilized egg
implants itself outside of the uterus so
I had emergency surgery to terminate the
pregnancy and I was told that I would
never get pregnant again
I was devastated I killed my baby my
baby didn’t do anything wrong he was
just there growing doing his thing and
my body fell him I am a horrible mother
I can’t even get pregnant right and of
course I know none of this is true it’s
nobody’s fault but the pression is not
logical and all I knew was that I was
unfit for the army and now I was unfit
to grow our family and that’s a hard
pill to swallow because transitioning
out of the Army is hard as it is and not
only am i mourning now my the loss of my
identity as a soldier but I’m also
mourning the loss of my unborn child and
I was drowning again and it was at this
low point in my life that I found the
healing power of comedy my husband saw a
flyer advertising a free stand-up comedy
class for veterans and see he signed me
up
and this experience and that I’ve
completely changing my outlook in life
because I’m my worst I was tired lonely
and hopeless but I’m my best I walked
through life with a purpose and purpose
is nothing more than discovering your
talents and your passion and using
for the service of others because life
is hard and things are not always gonna
go my way but this life is not about me
it’s about others and if I can turn all
my anger pain and disappointment into
something positive that brings joy and
laughter to hundreds of people then it
is worth it and this is not easy you
know do stand-up comedy is scary just
standing here on stage is frightening
but every time I get on stage I conquer
fear and I win a small battle and not
just for me but for everybody sitting in
the audience veterans and civilians that
may be facing some of the same
challenges and become inspired by
somebody who’s here who didn’t give up
who didn’t crumble who still standing
the sad part is that it took me almost a
decade to realize where I went wrong
there is so much focus in the military
in our society that the way to become a
better person is to obsess over your
weaknesses until you’re able to overcome
them what do you use all this energy to
develop the things and the skills that
we’re naturally good at how about we put
aside the notions and expectations of
what a successful career looks like
because the truth is we can use any of
our talents to make this a better place
see I don’t want to be defined by the
things that I cannot do but by the
things I do would love and passion and
commitment and we don’t have to swim
against the current
our entire lives to be able to grow do
what you love because there is there’s a
place for you for air every single one
of you and if you can’t swim like
everyone else learn how to make
because surely I believe that the most
important thing you can do for yourself
and others
is to find your purpose and it doesn’t
have to be anything extraordinary I am
NOT fooling myself here comedies very
trivial not curing cancer but comedy
gave me a new identity and the
opportunity to stand here today and
shatter stereotypes of what it means to
be a veteran or a woman or latina and by
being Who I am
and doing what I love hopefully I can
inspire you to do the same and to me
that is a life worth living thank you