when I went to California for graduate
studies in marriage and family therapy I
would never have imagined my most
powerful lesson on relationships
wouldn’t be in the classroom but in the
forest on weekends off from studying I
would travel the state to see its beauty
my favorite and most memorable visit was
to Kings Canyon National Park
where I saw some of the largest living
organisms on the planet sequoia trees
these majestic trees can grow to more
than 80 meters tall
that’s roughly as high as a 24 story
building and be as wide as 10 meters in
diameter these monstrous beauties can
withstand the roughest weather and some
have done so for more than 2,000 years
incredibly the roots of the Sequoia go
down into the ground only about a half
to one and a half meters it would seem
impossible and yet is obviously and
remarkably possible for these trees to
remain standing but here’s the thing
the mighty Sequoia never grows alone
always always in a growth a Sequoia tree
weaves its roots in and amongst the
roots of other sequoias over time
covering as much as an acre to create
incredible stability and then these
trees actually connect to each other
joining together so they can help each
other out a key to the Sequoia tree
survival is its interconnectedness
sequoia trees need each other
they are wired for connection people are
no different we are wired for connection
we need each other to survive and thrive
we were meant to grow in a forest of
humanity to have others intertwine their
lives with ours people joining together
in the everydayness of life and also
ready and steady when circle
census threatened to bend us ensuring
that we don’t topple over in the
inevitable storms of life research says
that women with breast cancer with a
large network of friends are four times
more likely to survive as women who are
solitary Swedish research says that
those with extensive social networks
have lower rates of dementia John
Cacioppo and his colleagues found that
when people had active social lives they
recovered faster after illness julianne
Holt LEM stats analysis of a hundred and
forty-eight studies found that when
people had better social connections
they had a 50% reduced risk of early
death the risk of social isolation is
comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a
day and carries more risk than obesity
or air pollution strong bonds help
cardiovascular health strengthen immune
response keep brain sharp and slow
cellular aging and relationships are an
integral part of mental health robert
welding ur the current head of the
Harvard study of adult development says
that the clearest and most conclusive
message of this now 80 year study is
that good relationships keep us happier
and healthier period entwining our lives
has really practical implications as
well we make better food choices when we
eat with others and we show up at the
gym when a friend is meeting us there
a friend reminds you to do the things
the doctor told you to do and checks in
on you during a rough patch my friend
Mary is that kind of Fred for me
tomorrow we will meet for coffee as we
have on Thursday mornings almost every
week for 14 years unless one of us has
specifically canceled I show up she
shows up we show up for each other to
laugh talk sometimes cry
usually we share the mundane beautifully
ordinary moments of life
parenting work aging parents if
something significant comes up for one
of us
Thursday is coming and it will get
talked about with all the rights and
privileges that are granted with deep
depth of friendship in forest language
meri and I were old growth friends I am
a better version of me because of
Thursday mornings with meri
however relationships are becoming an
increasingly endangered way of life
research says that the number of close
confidants that people have has dropped
in the last couple of decades social
media has made us a people of more
acquaintances and fewer friends many
find themselves in a position where they
have hundreds with whom they can share a
photo but very few if any with whom they
can celebrate the joy or mourn the
sorrow behind that photo in this age of
social media roots go down and out but
they don’t intertwine in the way that
face-to-face encounters nurture and
develop in the 2016 census of Canadian
households for the first time in history
single person households at 28%
surpassed any other type of household in
the 2017 vital science report put out by
the Winnipeg foundation we found that
37% of people in our city were sometimes
often are always lonely within the past
week meaningful relationships develop
over time with the gradual writing
together of lies trust develops with
gradually deepening exploration by
vulnerably and authentically sharing
life’s Joy’s struggles tensions losses
and victories we are loved not in spite
of our quirks and foibles but because of
them
the Sequoia tree which has withstood all
manner of weather for centuries has a
fragile root system because their roots
are so close to the surface trees are
fenced off or visitors are asked to stay
on designated paths without care these
roots can be trampled and damaged by the
very people who have come to admire them
damaged roots threaten the viability of
these trees without healthy roots trees
like people can’t survive no one escapes
the pain of the ending of deep and
important relationships
my husband attends what I call the WC
the widowers Club when his late wife
died of breast cancer he joined a club
that no one would voluntarily sign up
for Jim needed a human forest around him
what was once optional maybe even a
luxury now became necessity together a
musician a businessmen a health care
provider and a carpenter comprised the
widowers Club out of desperation they
found each other they normalized the
weird agonizingly painful parts of grief
for each other they answered each
other’s questions about carpools and
scheduling and shared about the ache of
being left out of the group of couples
that always got together it was there
Jim discussed the possibility of a
certain friendship turning into
something more could he love again it
was one of the courageous conversations
that led to our marriage
they started meeting out of desperation
but continued meeting because because
they have found a real deal and the
breadth and the depth of the real deal
is something to be treasured and valued
the men of the widowers Club are clear
that if they hadn’t encountered their
devastating grief it is likely they
never would have dared to lean into this
group and that would have been its own
impoverishment the reciprocal nature the
reciprocal benefit of
trees in the forest is compelling the
sharing the networking of these trees
means that they are there for each other
this moment in important ways and are
set up to care for each other in the
rain next month in the storm next year
and even the storm of the century that
is happening well sometime in the next
century these trees are prepared for the
inevitable adversity that they will face
I can think of no better way to tell you
about the beauty of the human forest
than to tell you about my son though I
am NOT his mother his mom died when he
was 10 and she was sick for years before
that
it’s not easy to grieve a parent ever
but especially hard I think for boy
entering adolescence last summer he was
sullen and quiet of course he was sad
but what to do it just doesn’t always
work for a kid to talk to his parents
especially when one of them is a bonus
parent and she is a therapist the worst
possible combination all therapists were
firmly next by him and I’m almost of
desperation I asked him if I were to
make you talk to another mother would
you pretend to be furious with me but
secretly be relieved he nodded just
barely so the next afternoon I called
Bonnie to talk to her about this and she
let me know that my son had already
spoken to her she agreed to meet with
him as long as we understood that she
was just a mom who loved her boy but not
someone with any special skills
every 7 to 10 days she would pick him up
they would slowly drive around the park
for about an hour give or take and then
she dropped him off after 6 months she
took him for a haircut and this young
man who had hid behind his long hair for
years now rocked this shortened style
and cut he was ready to face the world
when I thanked Bonnie for being a part
of our village she had
tears in her eyes reflecting on how
natural even wonderful it was to be
given an opportunity to engage with our
boy Bonnie gave my son a safe and caring
space for him to feel his feelings and
have his unspoken stories emerge
she gave him a place for healing I am
profoundly grateful for the web of
interactions that she and I have shared
for a quarter century and for how that
prepared the fertile soil of our lives
for her to make such a significant
difference in the life of my son climate
change in modern tourism now challenge
the Sequoias these trees that have
lasted for hundreds even thousands of
years now have conservationists trying
to find ways to save them so to the
current pressures of our world threaten
the survival of relationships even as
we’re increasingly aware of their value
deep enduring long-term relationships
are at their very best about entangling
our lives with the lives of others
friendships are hard and messy and also
rage ously beautiful we all have a need
to belong to be deeply seen intensely
valued and passionately known let your
roots reach out dare to let them unfurl
and coil themselves around the tendrils
of the lives of others let others find
stability and strength by connecting
with you listen to the Sequoias let
their roots remind you about
relationship about connection and
community about living life well
together thank you [Applause]
studies in marriage and family therapy I
would never have imagined my most
powerful lesson on relationships
wouldn’t be in the classroom but in the
forest on weekends off from studying I
would travel the state to see its beauty
my favorite and most memorable visit was
to Kings Canyon National Park
where I saw some of the largest living
organisms on the planet sequoia trees
these majestic trees can grow to more
than 80 meters tall
that’s roughly as high as a 24 story
building and be as wide as 10 meters in
diameter these monstrous beauties can
withstand the roughest weather and some
have done so for more than 2,000 years
incredibly the roots of the Sequoia go
down into the ground only about a half
to one and a half meters it would seem
impossible and yet is obviously and
remarkably possible for these trees to
remain standing but here’s the thing
the mighty Sequoia never grows alone
always always in a growth a Sequoia tree
weaves its roots in and amongst the
roots of other sequoias over time
covering as much as an acre to create
incredible stability and then these
trees actually connect to each other
joining together so they can help each
other out a key to the Sequoia tree
survival is its interconnectedness
sequoia trees need each other
they are wired for connection people are
no different we are wired for connection
we need each other to survive and thrive
we were meant to grow in a forest of
humanity to have others intertwine their
lives with ours people joining together
in the everydayness of life and also
ready and steady when circle
census threatened to bend us ensuring
that we don’t topple over in the
inevitable storms of life research says
that women with breast cancer with a
large network of friends are four times
more likely to survive as women who are
solitary Swedish research says that
those with extensive social networks
have lower rates of dementia John
Cacioppo and his colleagues found that
when people had active social lives they
recovered faster after illness julianne
Holt LEM stats analysis of a hundred and
forty-eight studies found that when
people had better social connections
they had a 50% reduced risk of early
death the risk of social isolation is
comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a
day and carries more risk than obesity
or air pollution strong bonds help
cardiovascular health strengthen immune
response keep brain sharp and slow
cellular aging and relationships are an
integral part of mental health robert
welding ur the current head of the
Harvard study of adult development says
that the clearest and most conclusive
message of this now 80 year study is
that good relationships keep us happier
and healthier period entwining our lives
has really practical implications as
well we make better food choices when we
eat with others and we show up at the
gym when a friend is meeting us there
a friend reminds you to do the things
the doctor told you to do and checks in
on you during a rough patch my friend
Mary is that kind of Fred for me
tomorrow we will meet for coffee as we
have on Thursday mornings almost every
week for 14 years unless one of us has
specifically canceled I show up she
shows up we show up for each other to
laugh talk sometimes cry
usually we share the mundane beautifully
ordinary moments of life
parenting work aging parents if
something significant comes up for one
of us
Thursday is coming and it will get
talked about with all the rights and
privileges that are granted with deep
depth of friendship in forest language
meri and I were old growth friends I am
a better version of me because of
Thursday mornings with meri
however relationships are becoming an
increasingly endangered way of life
research says that the number of close
confidants that people have has dropped
in the last couple of decades social
media has made us a people of more
acquaintances and fewer friends many
find themselves in a position where they
have hundreds with whom they can share a
photo but very few if any with whom they
can celebrate the joy or mourn the
sorrow behind that photo in this age of
social media roots go down and out but
they don’t intertwine in the way that
face-to-face encounters nurture and
develop in the 2016 census of Canadian
households for the first time in history
single person households at 28%
surpassed any other type of household in
the 2017 vital science report put out by
the Winnipeg foundation we found that
37% of people in our city were sometimes
often are always lonely within the past
week meaningful relationships develop
over time with the gradual writing
together of lies trust develops with
gradually deepening exploration by
vulnerably and authentically sharing
life’s Joy’s struggles tensions losses
and victories we are loved not in spite
of our quirks and foibles but because of
them
the Sequoia tree which has withstood all
manner of weather for centuries has a
fragile root system because their roots
are so close to the surface trees are
fenced off or visitors are asked to stay
on designated paths without care these
roots can be trampled and damaged by the
very people who have come to admire them
damaged roots threaten the viability of
these trees without healthy roots trees
like people can’t survive no one escapes
the pain of the ending of deep and
important relationships
my husband attends what I call the WC
the widowers Club when his late wife
died of breast cancer he joined a club
that no one would voluntarily sign up
for Jim needed a human forest around him
what was once optional maybe even a
luxury now became necessity together a
musician a businessmen a health care
provider and a carpenter comprised the
widowers Club out of desperation they
found each other they normalized the
weird agonizingly painful parts of grief
for each other they answered each
other’s questions about carpools and
scheduling and shared about the ache of
being left out of the group of couples
that always got together it was there
Jim discussed the possibility of a
certain friendship turning into
something more could he love again it
was one of the courageous conversations
that led to our marriage
they started meeting out of desperation
but continued meeting because because
they have found a real deal and the
breadth and the depth of the real deal
is something to be treasured and valued
the men of the widowers Club are clear
that if they hadn’t encountered their
devastating grief it is likely they
never would have dared to lean into this
group and that would have been its own
impoverishment the reciprocal nature the
reciprocal benefit of
trees in the forest is compelling the
sharing the networking of these trees
means that they are there for each other
this moment in important ways and are
set up to care for each other in the
rain next month in the storm next year
and even the storm of the century that
is happening well sometime in the next
century these trees are prepared for the
inevitable adversity that they will face
I can think of no better way to tell you
about the beauty of the human forest
than to tell you about my son though I
am NOT his mother his mom died when he
was 10 and she was sick for years before
that
it’s not easy to grieve a parent ever
but especially hard I think for boy
entering adolescence last summer he was
sullen and quiet of course he was sad
but what to do it just doesn’t always
work for a kid to talk to his parents
especially when one of them is a bonus
parent and she is a therapist the worst
possible combination all therapists were
firmly next by him and I’m almost of
desperation I asked him if I were to
make you talk to another mother would
you pretend to be furious with me but
secretly be relieved he nodded just
barely so the next afternoon I called
Bonnie to talk to her about this and she
let me know that my son had already
spoken to her she agreed to meet with
him as long as we understood that she
was just a mom who loved her boy but not
someone with any special skills
every 7 to 10 days she would pick him up
they would slowly drive around the park
for about an hour give or take and then
she dropped him off after 6 months she
took him for a haircut and this young
man who had hid behind his long hair for
years now rocked this shortened style
and cut he was ready to face the world
when I thanked Bonnie for being a part
of our village she had
tears in her eyes reflecting on how
natural even wonderful it was to be
given an opportunity to engage with our
boy Bonnie gave my son a safe and caring
space for him to feel his feelings and
have his unspoken stories emerge
she gave him a place for healing I am
profoundly grateful for the web of
interactions that she and I have shared
for a quarter century and for how that
prepared the fertile soil of our lives
for her to make such a significant
difference in the life of my son climate
change in modern tourism now challenge
the Sequoias these trees that have
lasted for hundreds even thousands of
years now have conservationists trying
to find ways to save them so to the
current pressures of our world threaten
the survival of relationships even as
we’re increasingly aware of their value
deep enduring long-term relationships
are at their very best about entangling
our lives with the lives of others
friendships are hard and messy and also
rage ously beautiful we all have a need
to belong to be deeply seen intensely
valued and passionately known let your
roots reach out dare to let them unfurl
and coil themselves around the tendrils
of the lives of others let others find
stability and strength by connecting
with you listen to the Sequoias let
their roots remind you about
relationship about connection and
community about living life well
together thank you [Applause]
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