throughout the time that I’m talking to
you and after this talk is done and when
you find yourself in debates with people
and you find yourself getting agitated I
want you to remember one very simple
thing that you have never locked eyes
with another person who is not worthy of
freedom
of Liberty of connection and of
belonging I’m gonna start by telling you
a story of an experience that happened
to me several years ago I went to the
courthouse to argue emotion there was a
partner of mine that was with me we get
to the courthouse we have to argue the
motions and chambers one of the two
opposing counsels came up and joined us
and as we were walking down I’m stopped
a sheriff’s deputy yells out to me ma’am
ma’am you can’t go back there ma’am
ma’am you can’t go back there
and so I pause I go towards him and in
this interaction he essentially tells me
you can’t go back there because this
area is for attorneys only and so I
pause I smile and I tell him I’m an
attorney he doesn’t believe me you’re an
attorney let me see a bar card I pause
again I smile I show him my bar card my
partner who was with me was a white male
and he chose to take out his bar card
and show his bar card as well and in
that moment the atmosphere changed
because then the sheriff’s deputy began
to look at me my partner me my partner
and he realized what he’d done there
were three of us he only asked for proof
from one at that moment opposing counsel
who was with us also a white male began
to say you can take my word for it we’re
all attorneys here we’re all attorneys
here the reason I tell you that story is
not because it’s special because and my
professional life I’ve had many
experiences like that at courthouses
with judges with court staff at
depositions with colleagues there are
different ways in which people can tell
you your other you’re less than you
don’t belong this table is not for you
there are all kinds of ways in which we
other and marginalize people and I could
share those stories with you
but I will tell you about this
particular incident is that on the day
that this happened I was flooded with
anger and with a warmth that went along
with embarrassment and humiliation that
as I will stand in there and I paused
again and smiled again and held my
tongue again choosing not to point out
the inconsistency that my inner voice
was telling me don’t get too loud use
your low voice because if you start
talking loud they’ll say you sound
shrill or worse hysterical we’ve all
heard that one and so I have to navigate
the stereotype of the angry black woman
and you know who she is you’ve seen her
on TV she’s that woman that some people
see anytime a black woman has an opinion
says her mind shows passion or questions
the status quo stop stop
see this is the place when stories like
this are shared that the blustery and
sometimes contemptuous responses begin
this is when people begin to say things
like well you don’t know that this had
anything to do with race he didn’t say
that he stopped you because you were
black or what’s the problem they’re
supposed to check everybody who goes
back there towards chambers he had the
right to check you or law enforcement
have a very tough job they put their
lives at risk to keep us safe and
whatever they asked you to do you just
need to do it we hear those responses we
hear the responses where people say here
we go again
another person of color talking about
race again
Oh minority playing the race card I hear
those comments I read those comments we
experience
comments and what we do when we react
like that to real stories of real people
is we find a way to say your story does
not matter the disparate treatment that
you experience doesn’t matter
discrimination doesn’t matter your
reality doesn’t matter when we do that
we refuse to give visibility to the
truth and the experiences of people and
when we do that around racial injustice
or impression or any kind of bigotry or
ism what we do is we amplify the impact
and I see this I see that we engage in
these conversations that turn into
shouting Wars we see it on TV we see it
in the political sphere we see it in the
comment sections of the news my goodness
the comment sections that’s where good
hearts go to die a slow death from the
shame trolls but that’s what we’ve come
to in how we engage in difficult
discussions we don’t engage we shout out
one another and I’ll give a mild example
one that I sometimes face when I’m
trying to convince people of structural
and systemic problems that we have to
address and I’m talking about people who
are educated people who are aware and
people who are good hearted and want to
do good things and it may be something
as simple as you know we have some
issues that we really need to talk about
because our professionals of color are
facing some obstacles in the
organization and our black professionals
are the ones facing it the worst and we
need to address these issues because
part of what’s going on is that our
leadership doesn’t really relate to
these issues because they’re mostly
white and they enjoy a white privilege
white privilege I hate that word why do
people always have to talk about white
privilege I don’t have privilege I grew
up poor I understand I understand you
grew up poor but when we’re talking
about white privilege we’re not talking
about poverty we’re talking about
benefits that you may receive
you have not earned and you receive them
because of your race and it’s something
that other people don’t have
I earned everything that I have I worked
hard to get here I understand you worked
hard but so did I and so did so many
other professionals of color but it’s
not an issue of working hard it’s an
issue of biases that exist in
organizational barriers what barriers I
don’t believe that I believe that if you
work hard and you follow the rules and
you do what needs to be done you can
succeed in this organization oh okay so
you were not the implicit bias training
session that we did you know that’s not
true you know that there are things that
people face that are different no I
don’t Cory I don’t agree with that
everybody has their struggles everybody
has stuff that they go through but this
is not an issue that continues to exist
we’ve had civil rights laws in this
country for years and I get so sick of
people continue to talk about racism as
if it’s still here okay I know that
we’ve had civil rights laws on the books
but that does not mean the realities of
people have changed that much you know
what Cory if there isn’t even an issue
with race
I believe it’s reverse racism I believe
that as a white person I’m the one who’s
at a disadvantage because the truth is
everybody’s talking about all this
diversity stuff and all that means is
opportunities that people should have to
work for are being given to people who
haven’t earned it and in my perspective
in my opinion it’s a sad day in America
to be a white man whoa
reverse racism rebirth a sad day in
America to be a white man do you know
what it feels like to go to the store
and have somebody follow you around like
you’re a thief you know what that feels
like you know it feels like to be going
to go pick up your kids from preschool
and get pulled over for driving while
black and have the police officers pull
up on both sides of your vehicle with
their hand on their weapon do you know
what that feels like dude do you know
what it feels like to drop your kids off
at school and
under what kind of disparate disciplines
they’ll face I bet you have no clue what
that’s about while you’re standing here
talking to me about a sad day to be a
white man in America I have friends who
sit up at night wondering about their
kids coming home safe that’s not
something that you have to deal with and
let me tell you something
you don’t know what it feels like to be
walking back to your dorm room with your
friends and as you’re walking back a
group of men across the street who are
apparently drunk and half dressed are
yelling across at you nigger bitch this
is the trash that this college has
brought to our town you don’t know what
that feels like you don’t know what it
feels like to be flooded with anger and
to want to say something but know that
you can’t because if you do thinks me
escalating you don’t feel safe and to
share that experience with people that
you love and have them tell you it’s not
a big deal this is a safe town nothing
would have happened you don’t know what
that feels like so don’t stand here
telling me that it’s a sad day to be a
white man in America you see what I did
that’s what we do I say to the person
who’s talking about their discomfort
that your experience doesn’t matter
because I have one that’s bigger and
more powerful and when we do that we
marginalize one another and I see us
doing this in our country and in the
world on every thing we stand today
behind a national backdrop where we
point fingers and use harsh rhetoric
against people because of where they
were born because of their religion
because of their gender identity their
gender expression their sexual
orientation and how their families are
constructed we do this and we’re tearing
ourselves apart and so the question that
I have for us today is what does it look
like if we do things completely
differently what if there’s another way
and the question that I start by asking
myself is what does it look like to make
space for all our experiences
to make space for my truth and your
truth to make space for my anger and
your grief your guilt my defensive nests
my fear of the future and your hope for
the future what does it look like for us
to make space for those things to sit
side-by-side and in order for us to do
that in order for us to embrace that I
believe that we have to join in being
courageous having courageous
conversations and walking and courage
and to do that there are five things I
believe we must embrace first we must
listen and we must listen very
differently than we have up until now we
have to learn to listen to understand
what is being said and to hear from here
beyond what we hear from here we have to
listen in ways that we are empathetic
and we cannot be empathetic when we’re
busy telling people how to feel about
their life there are times that
listening means we must be silent silent
because you don’t have anything to say
that adds to the conversation silence
because if you open your mouth you’re
going to make it about you and it’s not
about you we have to learn listen in
ways that are judgment free too many
times we’re busy telling people how they
should feel how they should protest how
they should speak up how they should be
activists and we don’t get to tell
people about their reality not too long
ago I was sharing a conversation with
someone and he tried to tell me about me
and I had to say dude I’ve been a black
woman for a long time you don’t get to
tell me about my experience second we
have to cultivate curiosity so what does
that look like to put on a mindset of
learning what does that look like to say
I want to know about the experiences
that go beyond my lived experiences what
does it look like for me to look at the
world through the lens
is that other people share what does it
look like to hear something that bothers
me and to instead say where is that
coming from for you why do you think
that when you think about that
experience and what happened with you
how did that make you feel what do you
want from me o best I’m listening
cultivate curiosity seek a cultural
mentor find somebody who can take you to
the places that you haven’t been before
somebody that you can ask questions
somebody who is willing to share with
you the things that you don’t know we’re
going to need it on this journey because
none of us knows at all third we must
negotiate our relationship with
vulnerability there’s nothing about this
experience that is fun there’s nothing
about this experience that’s comfortable
and easy even for those of us who do it
all the time you will get angry you will
get frustrated you will want to call
names and sometimes we will slip up when
we’re not mindful and we won’t be very
gracious well we’re called to be
gracious in this process and we’re
called to do this thing that’s not
comfortable and so for me it may be
standing up here as a black woman and
telling you things that actually happen
to me and it doesn’t feel good because
I’m opening it up myself to being
ridiculed to being judged to being
criticized and no one wants that it’s
why the conversations that we black
people have when we’re with each other
is very different than the conversations
we have when we’re a mixed company
because we’ve been told you’re playing
the race card that’s not real and all
sorts of things and on the other end the
vulnerability maybe you don’t want to
ask a question and have somebody call
you racist or have someone say to you
Google is your friend look it up or
someone say to you
that’s my emotional labor I’m really
glad that you finally come to the party
but we’ve been dealing with this for a
long time so you need to go figure that
out
but we have to sit in that space of
vulnerability and say to ourselves no
matter how messy it gets no matter how
painful it gets that we will do it and
we will do it again and what that means
is that we’re going to be called
sometimes to speak up to stand up and to
do something because when we decide to
build community with each other when we
decide to create belonging what that
means is that when something is
happening to me
you speak and when something is
happening to you we speak and when
somebody’s saying something about your
transgender daughter that I speak
because we belong to each other and so
it may be something as simple as taking
out your bar card and interrupting the
moment or it may require more from you
it may require you to give up your card
of being the easygoing person at the
Thanksgiving table when you have to say
something to Uncle Bob
but we can do it and it has to be done
because silence in the face of tragedy
and oppression is deafening and we can’t
afford not to speak for each other which
brings me to belong in the fifth thing
we must begin to reinterpret how we
define belonging we live in these silos
isolated from one another
detached from the experiences from one
another but what does it mean to be
American what does it mean to believe in
Liberty to believe in freedom to believe
in justice what are those things for us
that’s where we need to sit to connect
across our shared values to say how do I
build a circle of belonging that
encompasses humanity in a different way
that transcends differences that
transcends diversity that transcends
race because until we are able to do
those things we will not be able to
tackle the problem of racism now the
truth is I’ve told you some stories and
many of us in this room would probably
never use the n-word or B word and we’ve
cleaned it up sanitized
as if that’s how people talk except when
somebody wants to strip you and degrade
you they do use the real words and the
challenge is that Charlottesville and
Charleston is not how everyday racism
shows up it dresses up or wears high
heels and we normalize it so I don’t
know about you I find myself exhausted
and wanting something new and so I leave
with you this definition of courage an
invitation to courageous being that
courage is doing the thing that you
don’t want to do the thing that’s icky
but it needs to be done I invite you to
do the saying that you don’t want to do
but that needs to be done because it is
in doing those things small repeating
over and over that we become courageous
courage is a practice but if we’re going
to create a new way of belonging and
being a community we must be courageous
and that’s my invitation to you and so
as I walk off the stage please remember
that as we build belonging and community
acht eyes with a person who is not
deserving of freedom liberty connection
and belonging thank you
you
you and after this talk is done and when
you find yourself in debates with people
and you find yourself getting agitated I
want you to remember one very simple
thing that you have never locked eyes
with another person who is not worthy of
freedom
of Liberty of connection and of
belonging I’m gonna start by telling you
a story of an experience that happened
to me several years ago I went to the
courthouse to argue emotion there was a
partner of mine that was with me we get
to the courthouse we have to argue the
motions and chambers one of the two
opposing counsels came up and joined us
and as we were walking down I’m stopped
a sheriff’s deputy yells out to me ma’am
ma’am you can’t go back there ma’am
ma’am you can’t go back there
and so I pause I go towards him and in
this interaction he essentially tells me
you can’t go back there because this
area is for attorneys only and so I
pause I smile and I tell him I’m an
attorney he doesn’t believe me you’re an
attorney let me see a bar card I pause
again I smile I show him my bar card my
partner who was with me was a white male
and he chose to take out his bar card
and show his bar card as well and in
that moment the atmosphere changed
because then the sheriff’s deputy began
to look at me my partner me my partner
and he realized what he’d done there
were three of us he only asked for proof
from one at that moment opposing counsel
who was with us also a white male began
to say you can take my word for it we’re
all attorneys here we’re all attorneys
here the reason I tell you that story is
not because it’s special because and my
professional life I’ve had many
experiences like that at courthouses
with judges with court staff at
depositions with colleagues there are
different ways in which people can tell
you your other you’re less than you
don’t belong this table is not for you
there are all kinds of ways in which we
other and marginalize people and I could
share those stories with you
but I will tell you about this
particular incident is that on the day
that this happened I was flooded with
anger and with a warmth that went along
with embarrassment and humiliation that
as I will stand in there and I paused
again and smiled again and held my
tongue again choosing not to point out
the inconsistency that my inner voice
was telling me don’t get too loud use
your low voice because if you start
talking loud they’ll say you sound
shrill or worse hysterical we’ve all
heard that one and so I have to navigate
the stereotype of the angry black woman
and you know who she is you’ve seen her
on TV she’s that woman that some people
see anytime a black woman has an opinion
says her mind shows passion or questions
the status quo stop stop
see this is the place when stories like
this are shared that the blustery and
sometimes contemptuous responses begin
this is when people begin to say things
like well you don’t know that this had
anything to do with race he didn’t say
that he stopped you because you were
black or what’s the problem they’re
supposed to check everybody who goes
back there towards chambers he had the
right to check you or law enforcement
have a very tough job they put their
lives at risk to keep us safe and
whatever they asked you to do you just
need to do it we hear those responses we
hear the responses where people say here
we go again
another person of color talking about
race again
Oh minority playing the race card I hear
those comments I read those comments we
experience
comments and what we do when we react
like that to real stories of real people
is we find a way to say your story does
not matter the disparate treatment that
you experience doesn’t matter
discrimination doesn’t matter your
reality doesn’t matter when we do that
we refuse to give visibility to the
truth and the experiences of people and
when we do that around racial injustice
or impression or any kind of bigotry or
ism what we do is we amplify the impact
and I see this I see that we engage in
these conversations that turn into
shouting Wars we see it on TV we see it
in the political sphere we see it in the
comment sections of the news my goodness
the comment sections that’s where good
hearts go to die a slow death from the
shame trolls but that’s what we’ve come
to in how we engage in difficult
discussions we don’t engage we shout out
one another and I’ll give a mild example
one that I sometimes face when I’m
trying to convince people of structural
and systemic problems that we have to
address and I’m talking about people who
are educated people who are aware and
people who are good hearted and want to
do good things and it may be something
as simple as you know we have some
issues that we really need to talk about
because our professionals of color are
facing some obstacles in the
organization and our black professionals
are the ones facing it the worst and we
need to address these issues because
part of what’s going on is that our
leadership doesn’t really relate to
these issues because they’re mostly
white and they enjoy a white privilege
white privilege I hate that word why do
people always have to talk about white
privilege I don’t have privilege I grew
up poor I understand I understand you
grew up poor but when we’re talking
about white privilege we’re not talking
about poverty we’re talking about
benefits that you may receive
you have not earned and you receive them
because of your race and it’s something
that other people don’t have
I earned everything that I have I worked
hard to get here I understand you worked
hard but so did I and so did so many
other professionals of color but it’s
not an issue of working hard it’s an
issue of biases that exist in
organizational barriers what barriers I
don’t believe that I believe that if you
work hard and you follow the rules and
you do what needs to be done you can
succeed in this organization oh okay so
you were not the implicit bias training
session that we did you know that’s not
true you know that there are things that
people face that are different no I
don’t Cory I don’t agree with that
everybody has their struggles everybody
has stuff that they go through but this
is not an issue that continues to exist
we’ve had civil rights laws in this
country for years and I get so sick of
people continue to talk about racism as
if it’s still here okay I know that
we’ve had civil rights laws on the books
but that does not mean the realities of
people have changed that much you know
what Cory if there isn’t even an issue
with race
I believe it’s reverse racism I believe
that as a white person I’m the one who’s
at a disadvantage because the truth is
everybody’s talking about all this
diversity stuff and all that means is
opportunities that people should have to
work for are being given to people who
haven’t earned it and in my perspective
in my opinion it’s a sad day in America
to be a white man whoa
reverse racism rebirth a sad day in
America to be a white man do you know
what it feels like to go to the store
and have somebody follow you around like
you’re a thief you know what that feels
like you know it feels like to be going
to go pick up your kids from preschool
and get pulled over for driving while
black and have the police officers pull
up on both sides of your vehicle with
their hand on their weapon do you know
what that feels like dude do you know
what it feels like to drop your kids off
at school and
under what kind of disparate disciplines
they’ll face I bet you have no clue what
that’s about while you’re standing here
talking to me about a sad day to be a
white man in America I have friends who
sit up at night wondering about their
kids coming home safe that’s not
something that you have to deal with and
let me tell you something
you don’t know what it feels like to be
walking back to your dorm room with your
friends and as you’re walking back a
group of men across the street who are
apparently drunk and half dressed are
yelling across at you nigger bitch this
is the trash that this college has
brought to our town you don’t know what
that feels like you don’t know what it
feels like to be flooded with anger and
to want to say something but know that
you can’t because if you do thinks me
escalating you don’t feel safe and to
share that experience with people that
you love and have them tell you it’s not
a big deal this is a safe town nothing
would have happened you don’t know what
that feels like so don’t stand here
telling me that it’s a sad day to be a
white man in America you see what I did
that’s what we do I say to the person
who’s talking about their discomfort
that your experience doesn’t matter
because I have one that’s bigger and
more powerful and when we do that we
marginalize one another and I see us
doing this in our country and in the
world on every thing we stand today
behind a national backdrop where we
point fingers and use harsh rhetoric
against people because of where they
were born because of their religion
because of their gender identity their
gender expression their sexual
orientation and how their families are
constructed we do this and we’re tearing
ourselves apart and so the question that
I have for us today is what does it look
like if we do things completely
differently what if there’s another way
and the question that I start by asking
myself is what does it look like to make
space for all our experiences
to make space for my truth and your
truth to make space for my anger and
your grief your guilt my defensive nests
my fear of the future and your hope for
the future what does it look like for us
to make space for those things to sit
side-by-side and in order for us to do
that in order for us to embrace that I
believe that we have to join in being
courageous having courageous
conversations and walking and courage
and to do that there are five things I
believe we must embrace first we must
listen and we must listen very
differently than we have up until now we
have to learn to listen to understand
what is being said and to hear from here
beyond what we hear from here we have to
listen in ways that we are empathetic
and we cannot be empathetic when we’re
busy telling people how to feel about
their life there are times that
listening means we must be silent silent
because you don’t have anything to say
that adds to the conversation silence
because if you open your mouth you’re
going to make it about you and it’s not
about you we have to learn listen in
ways that are judgment free too many
times we’re busy telling people how they
should feel how they should protest how
they should speak up how they should be
activists and we don’t get to tell
people about their reality not too long
ago I was sharing a conversation with
someone and he tried to tell me about me
and I had to say dude I’ve been a black
woman for a long time you don’t get to
tell me about my experience second we
have to cultivate curiosity so what does
that look like to put on a mindset of
learning what does that look like to say
I want to know about the experiences
that go beyond my lived experiences what
does it look like for me to look at the
world through the lens
is that other people share what does it
look like to hear something that bothers
me and to instead say where is that
coming from for you why do you think
that when you think about that
experience and what happened with you
how did that make you feel what do you
want from me o best I’m listening
cultivate curiosity seek a cultural
mentor find somebody who can take you to
the places that you haven’t been before
somebody that you can ask questions
somebody who is willing to share with
you the things that you don’t know we’re
going to need it on this journey because
none of us knows at all third we must
negotiate our relationship with
vulnerability there’s nothing about this
experience that is fun there’s nothing
about this experience that’s comfortable
and easy even for those of us who do it
all the time you will get angry you will
get frustrated you will want to call
names and sometimes we will slip up when
we’re not mindful and we won’t be very
gracious well we’re called to be
gracious in this process and we’re
called to do this thing that’s not
comfortable and so for me it may be
standing up here as a black woman and
telling you things that actually happen
to me and it doesn’t feel good because
I’m opening it up myself to being
ridiculed to being judged to being
criticized and no one wants that it’s
why the conversations that we black
people have when we’re with each other
is very different than the conversations
we have when we’re a mixed company
because we’ve been told you’re playing
the race card that’s not real and all
sorts of things and on the other end the
vulnerability maybe you don’t want to
ask a question and have somebody call
you racist or have someone say to you
Google is your friend look it up or
someone say to you
that’s my emotional labor I’m really
glad that you finally come to the party
but we’ve been dealing with this for a
long time so you need to go figure that
out
but we have to sit in that space of
vulnerability and say to ourselves no
matter how messy it gets no matter how
painful it gets that we will do it and
we will do it again and what that means
is that we’re going to be called
sometimes to speak up to stand up and to
do something because when we decide to
build community with each other when we
decide to create belonging what that
means is that when something is
happening to me
you speak and when something is
happening to you we speak and when
somebody’s saying something about your
transgender daughter that I speak
because we belong to each other and so
it may be something as simple as taking
out your bar card and interrupting the
moment or it may require more from you
it may require you to give up your card
of being the easygoing person at the
Thanksgiving table when you have to say
something to Uncle Bob
but we can do it and it has to be done
because silence in the face of tragedy
and oppression is deafening and we can’t
afford not to speak for each other which
brings me to belong in the fifth thing
we must begin to reinterpret how we
define belonging we live in these silos
isolated from one another
detached from the experiences from one
another but what does it mean to be
American what does it mean to believe in
Liberty to believe in freedom to believe
in justice what are those things for us
that’s where we need to sit to connect
across our shared values to say how do I
build a circle of belonging that
encompasses humanity in a different way
that transcends differences that
transcends diversity that transcends
race because until we are able to do
those things we will not be able to
tackle the problem of racism now the
truth is I’ve told you some stories and
many of us in this room would probably
never use the n-word or B word and we’ve
cleaned it up sanitized
as if that’s how people talk except when
somebody wants to strip you and degrade
you they do use the real words and the
challenge is that Charlottesville and
Charleston is not how everyday racism
shows up it dresses up or wears high
heels and we normalize it so I don’t
know about you I find myself exhausted
and wanting something new and so I leave
with you this definition of courage an
invitation to courageous being that
courage is doing the thing that you
don’t want to do the thing that’s icky
but it needs to be done I invite you to
do the saying that you don’t want to do
but that needs to be done because it is
in doing those things small repeating
over and over that we become courageous
courage is a practice but if we’re going
to create a new way of belonging and
being a community we must be courageous
and that’s my invitation to you and so
as I walk off the stage please remember
that as we build belonging and community
acht eyes with a person who is not
deserving of freedom liberty connection
and belonging thank you
you
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