two years ago I found myself sitting on
a gurney in the pre-op holding area
deep within the guts of st. Mary’s
Medical Center in West Palm Beach
Florida before one of the
anesthesiologist could push a most
delightful cocktail into my IV that
would make me forget the fact that I was
about to put my life in the hands of
someone else
I saw it face to face with dr. Feldman
my orthopedic surgeon as tears welled in
my eyes he looked at me and said Kristin
we have three options one we do nothing
and you become paralyzed forced to live
the rest of your life in a wheelchair
– I operate and the procedure does not
take the sleeping you unable to walk
three the nine level spinal fusion
spinal decompression rx is that a
success and you continue to walk on your
own two feet whatever happens you’re
going to have to fight like hell imagine
a drinking straw and it’s rapper the
rapper protects and houses the straw
picture the straw has your spinal cord
and the straw wrapper has your spinal
canal when the straw is bent or kinked
the diameter of the rapper is narrowed
thus compressing the straw that is what
happened to my spinal cord and several
places leaving me on the brink of
paralysis spinal stenosis is one of many
complications that individuals living
with dwarfism can experience I’m one of
the lucky ones after nine hours in the
operating room I woke up in the
intensive care unit and could not feel
my right leg or move my right foot I was
scared I was sad I was angry in that
moment I was not okay as children when
we fall down and begin to cry how do our
parents and caretakers respond most of
the time we’re met with
don’t cry Shh why are you crying you’re
fine meanwhile we’re laying on the
ground with a skinned knee thinking to
herself hey man
I just took a major spill and it hurt
what if I’m not okay our society has a
tendency to shy away from the negative
emotions they are seen more as a sign of
weakness growing up as a little girl
with dwarfism while everyone my age was
learning to say their ABCs I had learned
how to the tie their shoe or ride a
bicycle I was learning but there was
always going to be that person who was
going to discount me because of my
height that time that I went home crying
because a classmate made others laugh at
my expense it was not going to be the
last and people even my friends we’re
going to try and force the phrase you
can’t into my vocabulary simply because
my adopted way of doing something was
incorrect to this day complete strangers
strangers still make rude remarks about
my stature so ever even kind enough to
come up and let me in on a little secret
saying girl you’re short gee thank you
so much for stating the imperceptible so
wait what you’re telling me is the
likelihood of me joining the WNBA is
slim to none thanks for shattering my
dreams but really tell me something I
don’t know
following a jarring experience of
humiliation as a child I was afraid to
show that it got under my skin I didn’t
want to be seen as weak or weaker I
didn’t want my parents to hurt for me so
I suppressed my tears I suppressed my
dislike for those who made fun of me and
I desperately held on to this question
of why why was this happening to me I
was a kid like everyone else who
collected beanie babies on her parents
dime and blue bubbles and her chocolate
milk when we push our feelings aside
they do everything but disappear they
get stronger you know when you’re at the
grocery store or walking by all the
frozen novelties neatly arranged in
their case and they’re calling your name
what do you do when your belly starts
screaming for ice cream ignore it and
how does that work for you terribly
right because all you want is ice cream
the more you disregard your extreme
longing for a
mint chocolate chip or a gallon of Oreo
the stronger your desire for the cold
treat is going to grow and it’s soon
enough it’s going to torment you
just like your negative feelings so what
if when the sadness fear and anger come
knocking what if we invited them in with
an open heart and an open mind not
attached to what we should be feeling in
that moment actually right now do me a
huge favor
just stop shitting all over yourselves
I’ll allow the moment to be what it is
and experience it fully let the emotions
letting the emotions in enables us to
feel and process them and then they pass
they come in they stay a while and then
they leave make it a party we all need
our own private pity party once in a
while with all the fields and for
goodness sake buy the ice cream what
does it really mean to not be okay
author Glen and Doyle describes the
moments when life seems like a crash
course and the weight of the world rests
heavily on your shoulders as being in
the valley she says don’t knock the
valleys everybody wants to be up on the
mountaintop but up there the air is so
thin you can hardly breathe and all you
can do is stand still and try not to
fall but in the valley that’s where the
river runs sweetheart that’s where all
the power is and it’s true in between
the mountaintop and the valley that’s
your journey that’s where all of your
life lessons are found and that’s where
the magic has potential to happen when I
was in third grade we read a book called
thinking big it was about a little girl
named Jamie who had a quadriplegic just
like me my teacher saw it as an
excellent opportunity for me to share my
experience with my classmates on living
in the face of adversity expressing how
I felt when I was made fun of and people
doubted my abilities was an open window
for my peers to see the power that
thoughts words and actions hold they can
pick someone up or they can push someone
down so one of my best friends and I
made a movie to shine a light on the
challenges of
and advantages of being a little little
girl in addition to highlighting my
differences there was no hesitation on
my part to also show what these little
let’s keep going down on webinar chance
and one day when I completed it no else
except through other people like me can
do I can sit down without many buddies
when I get up into the chin you probably
noticed back it up it’s like this bother
me now with my legs below straight that
makes my legs very tired and they pose
even in a stepper but my teachers get me
another it doesn’t matter if you’re
taller right you can still be friends it
doesn’t matter if you’re taller small
you can still be friends a declaration
that I made at the age of nine by
unveiling the beauty of different to
others something that I still hold true
to this day with that same fierce
mindset following spine surgery I
continued to fight tooth and nail to get
back up on my own two feet but the
residual paralysis on my right side had
caused intense instability making the
rehabilitation process extremely
difficult four months after my spinal
fusion I rolled back into the sterile
operating room for dr. Feldman to
stabilize my right leg and three months
after that my spine decided that it no
longer wanted to adhere to the hardware
prompting another procedure dr. Feldman
open me back up reinforced all of my
hardware and extended my fusion down one
more level lucky me I know have a scar
that runs from between my shoulder
blades all the way down to my behind
what looks like a continuation of my
butt crack thanks doc following my
second fusion I was in an immense amount
of pain my new and improved internal
scaffolding strictly dictating how I
could and could not move this little
sole suit pain was dominating and joy
was hiding in fact I was convinced she
was never coming back over the years
pain has become something that I’m
really really good at I expect it I
tolerate it I resist it and I hide it
suffering is part of the human condition
no one goes through this journey
unscathed but with all of the mud that I
was struggling to walk through I began
playing the role of the victim I didn’t
want to climb mountains anymore but
resisting my reality was exhausting even
a smart smile followed fight far too
difficult to force friends and family
attempted to make me feel better with
band-aids of platitudes saying this to
show Pass or Kristen what doesn’t kill
you makes you stronger sitting in my
valley of not okay actually required
little effort it was feeling everything
and being okay with the feelings that
arose it took patience and willpower and
then it dawned on me what if it was okay
to not be okay what if every ounce of
pain every hurdle every twist and turn
were lessons meant to strip away my
layers to reveal something magical we
all possess the capacity to feel we just
have to give ourselves permission the
moment I wrote myself a permission slip
for all of your feelings and no one ever
wants to talk about shift happened
physically in my situation is completely
out of my control but I had to say and
how I wanted to move beyond the pain I
had a say in how I wanted to see and do
life and at the same time I knew that I
couldn’t do it alone asking for and
accepting help is a powerful tool
reminding us of our collective existence
for me it’s been the consistent
evolution of my dream team dr. Feldman
the entire staff at the Paley Institute
my family and friends three of whom are
present here today this journey of life
we aren’t meant to walk it alone Healing
isn’t linear
for me it has certainly been tumultuous
and it’s also clear to path being
unapologetically myself pain and all has
brought some breathtaking moments and
beautiful people into my life the same
authenticity that I shared with my
classmates when I was nine I reconnected
to you after my second fusion operating
from that place it puts our heart in
control you find yourself in places
situations and conversations that light
you up and fill your love tank scars
that we carry in our hearts and on our
bodies are there to remind us and to
teach us when we meet someone else who
knows similar pain there is a gravity
that pulls us in to walk beside them
because we’ve walked the path knowing
the hurt and carry the scar so together
we can be not okay during rehabilitation
one day I was on a walkabout through the
halls of the Paley orthopedic and spine
Institute with Dale my physical
therapist walking unassisted was my top
priority and after scaling four flights
of stairs with the help of a crutch the
railing and my biggest cheerleader I was
winded and completely exhausted
I remember thinking in my mind how much
more I could handle my willpower was
present but was my physical healing
possible I wasn’t sure rounding the
corner together Dale and I passed a room
where a young woman about my age sat on
a table about to be ditched her own
helping of physical torture also known
as physical therapy a quick intro was
made before my session concluded and
hers began as I was leaving I could not
shake the familiar reflection and the
young woman’s eyes that was staring back
at me for hours I toyed with the idea of
reaching out to her maybe she knew what
it was like the doctor appointments to
health insurance flows and the overall
intense commitment
to healing as a grown woman my
top-secret undercover investigation on
social media proved to be unsuccessful
in making a connection at first but with
a little outside help
I found makayley and reached out to her
via facebook messenger we agreed to meet
for Sunday brunch with both of us on
crutches
we arrived in true adult patient fashion
Michaela’s mom having dropped her off
and my dad being my chauffeur thus began
a six-hour brunch cocktails included we
sat in front of each other as whole
women our brunch a simple opportunity
wrapped up in our adversities as we sat
there eating drinking and dancing the
weathering Heights and deepest depths of
our journeys were exposed it was then
that I realized what I had seen
reflected in her eyes that day it was an
epiphany of willpower three hours into
our soul food session our parents
reached out to us out of genuine concern
my dad making sure that I wasn’t belly
up on a sidewalk somewhere we were just
getting started you see true stories can
heal just as much as modern medicine the
fight I saw in Michaela that day as she
sat in physical therapy the same drive
and determination that resided inside me
our willingness to be brutally honest
with our triumphs and tribulations
became a sanctuary of hope powerful
reminders to each other
of our sense of self since that day we
have formed a sisterhood unparalleled
sitting together in the dark and walking
brilliantly in the light truly living
means embracing both what you can and
cannot control the ups and the downs
we’re emotional beings wired to feel and
that’s our job let the complex emotions
in and give them a chance to play out no
matter where or when and without
judgment those moments that you’ve been
squeezed of your last drop of strength
it’s okay when emotions come bubbling up
with a vengeance it’s okay
days when the darkness seems to
overwhelm the light it’s okay and when
the universe seems to close windows and
slam the door in your face it’s okay as
I have come to find a sign of personal
growth is being okay with the moments
when you’re not authenticity is the key
to healing it builds us up and holds us
together I’m here still standing well
sitting and happy to tell about it I’ve
lived in the valley surrounded by the
dark and I’ve climbed to the highest
peak in the light we all know these
moments life is short and so are my legs
I show my scars so that other may know
others may know that they are capable of
healing too at the end of the day it
doesn’t matter how long your legs are
you can only take one step at a time thank you
a gurney in the pre-op holding area
deep within the guts of st. Mary’s
Medical Center in West Palm Beach
Florida before one of the
anesthesiologist could push a most
delightful cocktail into my IV that
would make me forget the fact that I was
about to put my life in the hands of
someone else
I saw it face to face with dr. Feldman
my orthopedic surgeon as tears welled in
my eyes he looked at me and said Kristin
we have three options one we do nothing
and you become paralyzed forced to live
the rest of your life in a wheelchair
– I operate and the procedure does not
take the sleeping you unable to walk
three the nine level spinal fusion
spinal decompression rx is that a
success and you continue to walk on your
own two feet whatever happens you’re
going to have to fight like hell imagine
a drinking straw and it’s rapper the
rapper protects and houses the straw
picture the straw has your spinal cord
and the straw wrapper has your spinal
canal when the straw is bent or kinked
the diameter of the rapper is narrowed
thus compressing the straw that is what
happened to my spinal cord and several
places leaving me on the brink of
paralysis spinal stenosis is one of many
complications that individuals living
with dwarfism can experience I’m one of
the lucky ones after nine hours in the
operating room I woke up in the
intensive care unit and could not feel
my right leg or move my right foot I was
scared I was sad I was angry in that
moment I was not okay as children when
we fall down and begin to cry how do our
parents and caretakers respond most of
the time we’re met with
don’t cry Shh why are you crying you’re
fine meanwhile we’re laying on the
ground with a skinned knee thinking to
herself hey man
I just took a major spill and it hurt
what if I’m not okay our society has a
tendency to shy away from the negative
emotions they are seen more as a sign of
weakness growing up as a little girl
with dwarfism while everyone my age was
learning to say their ABCs I had learned
how to the tie their shoe or ride a
bicycle I was learning but there was
always going to be that person who was
going to discount me because of my
height that time that I went home crying
because a classmate made others laugh at
my expense it was not going to be the
last and people even my friends we’re
going to try and force the phrase you
can’t into my vocabulary simply because
my adopted way of doing something was
incorrect to this day complete strangers
strangers still make rude remarks about
my stature so ever even kind enough to
come up and let me in on a little secret
saying girl you’re short gee thank you
so much for stating the imperceptible so
wait what you’re telling me is the
likelihood of me joining the WNBA is
slim to none thanks for shattering my
dreams but really tell me something I
don’t know
following a jarring experience of
humiliation as a child I was afraid to
show that it got under my skin I didn’t
want to be seen as weak or weaker I
didn’t want my parents to hurt for me so
I suppressed my tears I suppressed my
dislike for those who made fun of me and
I desperately held on to this question
of why why was this happening to me I
was a kid like everyone else who
collected beanie babies on her parents
dime and blue bubbles and her chocolate
milk when we push our feelings aside
they do everything but disappear they
get stronger you know when you’re at the
grocery store or walking by all the
frozen novelties neatly arranged in
their case and they’re calling your name
what do you do when your belly starts
screaming for ice cream ignore it and
how does that work for you terribly
right because all you want is ice cream
the more you disregard your extreme
longing for a
mint chocolate chip or a gallon of Oreo
the stronger your desire for the cold
treat is going to grow and it’s soon
enough it’s going to torment you
just like your negative feelings so what
if when the sadness fear and anger come
knocking what if we invited them in with
an open heart and an open mind not
attached to what we should be feeling in
that moment actually right now do me a
huge favor
just stop shitting all over yourselves
I’ll allow the moment to be what it is
and experience it fully let the emotions
letting the emotions in enables us to
feel and process them and then they pass
they come in they stay a while and then
they leave make it a party we all need
our own private pity party once in a
while with all the fields and for
goodness sake buy the ice cream what
does it really mean to not be okay
author Glen and Doyle describes the
moments when life seems like a crash
course and the weight of the world rests
heavily on your shoulders as being in
the valley she says don’t knock the
valleys everybody wants to be up on the
mountaintop but up there the air is so
thin you can hardly breathe and all you
can do is stand still and try not to
fall but in the valley that’s where the
river runs sweetheart that’s where all
the power is and it’s true in between
the mountaintop and the valley that’s
your journey that’s where all of your
life lessons are found and that’s where
the magic has potential to happen when I
was in third grade we read a book called
thinking big it was about a little girl
named Jamie who had a quadriplegic just
like me my teacher saw it as an
excellent opportunity for me to share my
experience with my classmates on living
in the face of adversity expressing how
I felt when I was made fun of and people
doubted my abilities was an open window
for my peers to see the power that
thoughts words and actions hold they can
pick someone up or they can push someone
down so one of my best friends and I
made a movie to shine a light on the
challenges of
and advantages of being a little little
girl in addition to highlighting my
differences there was no hesitation on
my part to also show what these little
let’s keep going down on webinar chance
and one day when I completed it no else
except through other people like me can
do I can sit down without many buddies
when I get up into the chin you probably
noticed back it up it’s like this bother
me now with my legs below straight that
makes my legs very tired and they pose
even in a stepper but my teachers get me
another it doesn’t matter if you’re
taller right you can still be friends it
doesn’t matter if you’re taller small
you can still be friends a declaration
that I made at the age of nine by
unveiling the beauty of different to
others something that I still hold true
to this day with that same fierce
mindset following spine surgery I
continued to fight tooth and nail to get
back up on my own two feet but the
residual paralysis on my right side had
caused intense instability making the
rehabilitation process extremely
difficult four months after my spinal
fusion I rolled back into the sterile
operating room for dr. Feldman to
stabilize my right leg and three months
after that my spine decided that it no
longer wanted to adhere to the hardware
prompting another procedure dr. Feldman
open me back up reinforced all of my
hardware and extended my fusion down one
more level lucky me I know have a scar
that runs from between my shoulder
blades all the way down to my behind
what looks like a continuation of my
butt crack thanks doc following my
second fusion I was in an immense amount
of pain my new and improved internal
scaffolding strictly dictating how I
could and could not move this little
sole suit pain was dominating and joy
was hiding in fact I was convinced she
was never coming back over the years
pain has become something that I’m
really really good at I expect it I
tolerate it I resist it and I hide it
suffering is part of the human condition
no one goes through this journey
unscathed but with all of the mud that I
was struggling to walk through I began
playing the role of the victim I didn’t
want to climb mountains anymore but
resisting my reality was exhausting even
a smart smile followed fight far too
difficult to force friends and family
attempted to make me feel better with
band-aids of platitudes saying this to
show Pass or Kristen what doesn’t kill
you makes you stronger sitting in my
valley of not okay actually required
little effort it was feeling everything
and being okay with the feelings that
arose it took patience and willpower and
then it dawned on me what if it was okay
to not be okay what if every ounce of
pain every hurdle every twist and turn
were lessons meant to strip away my
layers to reveal something magical we
all possess the capacity to feel we just
have to give ourselves permission the
moment I wrote myself a permission slip
for all of your feelings and no one ever
wants to talk about shift happened
physically in my situation is completely
out of my control but I had to say and
how I wanted to move beyond the pain I
had a say in how I wanted to see and do
life and at the same time I knew that I
couldn’t do it alone asking for and
accepting help is a powerful tool
reminding us of our collective existence
for me it’s been the consistent
evolution of my dream team dr. Feldman
the entire staff at the Paley Institute
my family and friends three of whom are
present here today this journey of life
we aren’t meant to walk it alone Healing
isn’t linear
for me it has certainly been tumultuous
and it’s also clear to path being
unapologetically myself pain and all has
brought some breathtaking moments and
beautiful people into my life the same
authenticity that I shared with my
classmates when I was nine I reconnected
to you after my second fusion operating
from that place it puts our heart in
control you find yourself in places
situations and conversations that light
you up and fill your love tank scars
that we carry in our hearts and on our
bodies are there to remind us and to
teach us when we meet someone else who
knows similar pain there is a gravity
that pulls us in to walk beside them
because we’ve walked the path knowing
the hurt and carry the scar so together
we can be not okay during rehabilitation
one day I was on a walkabout through the
halls of the Paley orthopedic and spine
Institute with Dale my physical
therapist walking unassisted was my top
priority and after scaling four flights
of stairs with the help of a crutch the
railing and my biggest cheerleader I was
winded and completely exhausted
I remember thinking in my mind how much
more I could handle my willpower was
present but was my physical healing
possible I wasn’t sure rounding the
corner together Dale and I passed a room
where a young woman about my age sat on
a table about to be ditched her own
helping of physical torture also known
as physical therapy a quick intro was
made before my session concluded and
hers began as I was leaving I could not
shake the familiar reflection and the
young woman’s eyes that was staring back
at me for hours I toyed with the idea of
reaching out to her maybe she knew what
it was like the doctor appointments to
health insurance flows and the overall
intense commitment
to healing as a grown woman my
top-secret undercover investigation on
social media proved to be unsuccessful
in making a connection at first but with
a little outside help
I found makayley and reached out to her
via facebook messenger we agreed to meet
for Sunday brunch with both of us on
crutches
we arrived in true adult patient fashion
Michaela’s mom having dropped her off
and my dad being my chauffeur thus began
a six-hour brunch cocktails included we
sat in front of each other as whole
women our brunch a simple opportunity
wrapped up in our adversities as we sat
there eating drinking and dancing the
weathering Heights and deepest depths of
our journeys were exposed it was then
that I realized what I had seen
reflected in her eyes that day it was an
epiphany of willpower three hours into
our soul food session our parents
reached out to us out of genuine concern
my dad making sure that I wasn’t belly
up on a sidewalk somewhere we were just
getting started you see true stories can
heal just as much as modern medicine the
fight I saw in Michaela that day as she
sat in physical therapy the same drive
and determination that resided inside me
our willingness to be brutally honest
with our triumphs and tribulations
became a sanctuary of hope powerful
reminders to each other
of our sense of self since that day we
have formed a sisterhood unparalleled
sitting together in the dark and walking
brilliantly in the light truly living
means embracing both what you can and
cannot control the ups and the downs
we’re emotional beings wired to feel and
that’s our job let the complex emotions
in and give them a chance to play out no
matter where or when and without
judgment those moments that you’ve been
squeezed of your last drop of strength
it’s okay when emotions come bubbling up
with a vengeance it’s okay
days when the darkness seems to
overwhelm the light it’s okay and when
the universe seems to close windows and
slam the door in your face it’s okay as
I have come to find a sign of personal
growth is being okay with the moments
when you’re not authenticity is the key
to healing it builds us up and holds us
together I’m here still standing well
sitting and happy to tell about it I’ve
lived in the valley surrounded by the
dark and I’ve climbed to the highest
peak in the light we all know these
moments life is short and so are my legs
I show my scars so that other may know
others may know that they are capable of
healing too at the end of the day it
doesn’t matter how long your legs are
you can only take one step at a time thank you
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