[Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
no one should have been fear of the
no one should have been fear of the person they love get far too many – one
person they love get far too many – one
person they love get far too many – one in four women and one at eleven men will
in four women and one at eleven men will
in four women and one at eleven men will experience domestic violence by partner
experience domestic violence by partner
experience domestic violence by partner sometime in their life this number is
sometime in their life this number is
sometime in their life this number is just a conservative estimate
just a conservative estimate
just a conservative estimate it doesn’t include unreported encounters
it doesn’t include unreported encounters
it doesn’t include unreported encounters and it doesn’t include verbal or
and it doesn’t include verbal or
and it doesn’t include verbal or psychological abuse which is often just
psychological abuse which is often just
psychological abuse which is often just as damaging even so even this
as damaging even so even this
as damaging even so even this conservative statistic that means that
conservative statistic that means that
conservative statistic that means that roughly 20 of you sitting here today
roughly 20 of you sitting here today
roughly 20 of you sitting here today have or will experience domestic
have or will experience domestic
have or will experience domestic violence if you had told me years ago
violence if you had told me years ago
violence if you had told me years ago but I would experience domestic violence
but I would experience domestic violence
but I would experience domestic violence and that I was going to stay with a man
and that I was going to stay with a man
and that I was going to stay with a man who abused me I wouldn’t have believed
who abused me I wouldn’t have believed
who abused me I wouldn’t have believed you those things don’t happen to people
you those things don’t happen to people
you those things don’t happen to people like me I’m educated independent strong
like me I’m educated independent strong
like me I’m educated independent strong even if I were to experience domestic
even if I were to experience domestic
even if I were to experience domestic violence I certainly wouldn’t stay I
violence I certainly wouldn’t stay I
violence I certainly wouldn’t stay I would need to second anyone lay their
would need to second anyone lay their
would need to second anyone lay their hands on me this is a huge misconception
hands on me this is a huge misconception
hands on me this is a huge misconception I didn’t understand how it worked and
I didn’t understand how it worked and
I didn’t understand how it worked and most don’t until it happens to them
most don’t until it happens to them
most don’t until it happens to them among the many things I learned that
among the many things I learned that
among the many things I learned that abuse does not discriminate it can
abuse does not discriminate it can
abuse does not discriminate it can happen to anyone and to contract anyone
happen to anyone and to contract anyone
happen to anyone and to contract anyone and I was no exception to this my name
and I was no exception to this my name
and I was no exception to this my name is Hannah Petrillo I’m a domestic
is Hannah Petrillo I’m a domestic
is Hannah Petrillo I’m a domestic violence survivor and I’m here with you
violence survivor and I’m here with you
violence survivor and I’m here with you today to share parts of my story and to
today to share parts of my story and to
today to share parts of my story and to help you better understand the
help you better understand the
help you better understand the complexities of abuse so how did I go
complexities of abuse so how did I go
complexities of abuse so how did I go from believing that I would never put up
from believing that I would never put up
from believing that I would never put up with abuse just staying in a
with abuse just staying in a
with abuse just staying in a relationship that could kill me the
relationship that could kill me the
relationship that could kill me the boiling frog analogy something my
boiling frog analogy something my
boiling frog analogy something my counselors share
counselors share
counselors share me help me to better understand this the
me help me to better understand this the
me help me to better understand this the premise of the analogy is that if a frog
premise of the analogy is that if a frog
premise of the analogy is that if a frog is put into boiling water it will dart
is put into boiling water it will dart
is put into boiling water it will dart out but if it is put in cold water and
out but if it is put in cold water and
out but if it is put in cold water and brought to a boil slowly it will not
brought to a boil slowly it will not
brought to a boil slowly it will not receive the danger and be cooked to
receive the danger and be cooked to
receive the danger and be cooked to death people and domestic violence
death people and domestic violence
death people and domestic violence situations are not thrown into a pot of
situations are not thrown into a pot of
situations are not thrown into a pot of boiling water rather it is a slow and
boiling water rather it is a slow and
boiling water rather it is a slow and strategic cooking process facilitated by
strategic cooking process facilitated by
strategic cooking process facilitated by the abuser to gain control while I was
the abuser to gain control while I was
the abuser to gain control while I was in the midst of an abusive relationship
in the midst of an abusive relationship
in the midst of an abusive relationship I could never accept that I was that
I could never accept that I was that
I could never accept that I was that frog being slowly cooked looking back
frog being slowly cooked looking back
frog being slowly cooked looking back now though it is so clear to me what
now though it is so clear to me what
now though it is so clear to me what began as a fairy tale relationship with
began as a fairy tale relationship with
began as a fairy tale relationship with promises of a beautiful future slowly
promises of a beautiful future slowly
promises of a beautiful future slowly learned into controlling behaviors
learned into controlling behaviors
learned into controlling behaviors disguised as I’m looking out for my
disguised as I’m looking out for my
disguised as I’m looking out for my well-being this turned into time me who
well-being this turned into time me who
well-being this turned into time me who I could be friends with what I wear this
I could be friends with what I wear this
I could be friends with what I wear this turned into verbal rage and throwing
turned into verbal rage and throwing
turned into verbal rage and throwing items at me which turned into shutting
items at me which turned into shutting
items at me which turned into shutting hair woollen and then hit the he
hair woollen and then hit the he
hair woollen and then hit the he continued to turn up he would choke me
continued to turn up he would choke me
continued to turn up he would choke me wait me and threatened to kill me and my
wait me and threatened to kill me and my
wait me and threatened to kill me and my family when I had at the hospital after
family when I had at the hospital after
family when I had at the hospital after the first big incident I began to see to
the first big incident I began to see to
the first big incident I began to see to my staff I was counselor and she asked
my staff I was counselor and she asked
my staff I was counselor and she asked me to set boundaries she said where do
me to set boundaries she said where do
me to set boundaries she said where do you draw the line in Rockaway I told her
you draw the line in Rockaway I told her
you draw the line in Rockaway I told her choking that’s my line just two months
choking that’s my line just two months
choking that’s my line just two months later is real joke to me and I stayed
later is real joke to me and I stayed
later is real joke to me and I stayed Israel by the way is the name of my
Israel by the way is the name of my
Israel by the way is the name of my ex-boyfriend now anything that Shogun
ex-boyfriend now anything that Shogun
ex-boyfriend now anything that Shogun wasn’t okay I knew none of it was okay
wasn’t okay I knew none of it was okay
wasn’t okay I knew none of it was okay but I adjusted to it and found myself
but I adjusted to it and found myself
but I adjusted to it and found myself justifying what I had considered
justifying what I had considered
justifying what I had considered inexcusable behavior if a friend were to
inexcusable behavior if a friend were to
inexcusable behavior if a friend were to tell me that their significant other
tell me that their significant other
tell me that their significant other choked them
choked them
choked them Ivan told him to run from that
Ivan told him to run from that
Ivan told him to run from that relationship so how could I not take the
relationship so how could I not take the
relationship so how could I not take the same advice it is not because I’m weak
same advice it is not because I’m weak
same advice it is not because I’m weak or that I don’t value myself or
or that I don’t value myself or
or that I don’t value myself or stupid members of our community need to
stupid members of our community need to
stupid members of our community need to strip away these harmful assumptions
strip away these harmful assumptions
strip away these harmful assumptions they are false and they bring shame to
they are false and they bring shame to
they are false and they bring shame to victims who are already being torn apart
victims who are already being torn apart
victims who are already being torn apart by the person they love I’m strong I’m
by the person they love I’m strong I’m
by the person they love I’m strong I’m worthy and I’m smart and so are all the
worthy and I’m smart and so are all the
worthy and I’m smart and so are all the other men and women who decide to stay
other men and women who decide to stay
other men and women who decide to stay with their abusive partners the reason
with their abusive partners the reason
with their abusive partners the reason in some states is no fault of their own
in some states is no fault of their own
in some states is no fault of their own the abuser uses power control and a
the abuser uses power control and a
the abuser uses power control and a great deal of manipulation to track the
great deal of manipulation to track the
great deal of manipulation to track the victim into submission
victim into submission
victim into submission this wheel shows that the common tactics
this wheel shows that the common tactics
this wheel shows that the common tactics used to do so
used to do so
used to do so Israeli used several of these on me he
Israeli used several of these on me he
Israeli used several of these on me he isolated me from friends try to isolate
isolated me from friends try to isolate
isolated me from friends try to isolate me from family he used intimidation of
me from family he used intimidation of
me from family he used intimidation of violence by throwing items at me
violence by throwing items at me
violence by throwing items at me destroying my property
destroying my property
destroying my property he used his static sighs the man of the
he used his static sighs the man of the
he used his static sighs the man of the house to tell me that as a woman it was
house to tell me that as a woman it was
house to tell me that as a woman it was my job to give him any sexual favor on
my job to give him any sexual favor on
my job to give him any sexual favor on demand one early morning when I didn’t
demand one early morning when I didn’t
demand one early morning when I didn’t want to have sex for the fourth time in
want to have sex for the fourth time in
want to have sex for the fourth time in a row because I’ve hurt he kicked me out
a row because I’ve hurt he kicked me out
a row because I’ve hurt he kicked me out of the bed and pushed me out of his
of the bed and pushed me out of his
of the bed and pushed me out of his house into the street but he would
house into the street but he would
house into the street but he would minimize the abuse and often blamed it
minimize the abuse and often blamed it
minimize the abuse and often blamed it on me really whenever he could he would
on me really whenever he could he would
on me really whenever he could he would flip the situation tell me how terrible
flip the situation tell me how terrible
flip the situation tell me how terrible of a girlfriend I was making me feel
of a girlfriend I was making me feel
of a girlfriend I was making me feel like I was the one who needed to
like I was the one who needed to
like I was the one who needed to apologize he would follow this up by
apologize he would follow this up by
apologize he would follow this up by threatening to leave me I don’t know
threatening to leave me I don’t know
threatening to leave me I don’t know this sounds like a great opportunity for
this sounds like a great opportunity for
this sounds like a great opportunity for me to get out easy that’s not how I type
me to get out easy that’s not how I type
me to get out easy that’s not how I type it I have feared losing him and this
it I have feared losing him and this
it I have feared losing him and this fear is a common theme in many abusive
fear is a common theme in many abusive
fear is a common theme in many abusive relationships
relationships
relationships it stems from trauma bonding when
it stems from trauma bonding when
it stems from trauma bonding when someone that we love traumatizes us they
someone that we love traumatizes us they
someone that we love traumatizes us they narrow chemicals in our brain become
narrow chemicals in our brain become
narrow chemicals in our brain become significantly dysregulated causing us to
significantly dysregulated causing us to
significantly dysregulated causing us to create that person and to do all that we
create that person and to do all that we
create that person and to do all that we can to make things right with them is
can to make things right with them is
can to make things right with them is really new that threatening to leave was
really new that threatening to leave was
really new that threatening to leave was a sure way to get controlled and
a sure way to get controlled and
a sure way to get controlled and obedience from me in fact the first time
obedience from me in fact the first time
obedience from me in fact the first time Hughes
Hughes
Hughes cool with me he broke up with me because
cool with me he broke up with me because
cool with me he broke up with me because how dare I like the guys Instagram photo
how dare I like the guys Instagram photo
how dare I like the guys Instagram photo when I got out of the hospital he found
when I got out of the hospital he found
when I got out of the hospital he found me and begged for forgiveness
me and begged for forgiveness
me and begged for forgiveness I sent him back but you know what I was
I sent him back but you know what I was
I sent him back but you know what I was sure to never do again like a guy’s
sure to never do again like a guy’s
sure to never do again like a guy’s Instagram photo along with anything else
Instagram photo along with anything else
Instagram photo along with anything else that he didn’t want me doing because not
that he didn’t want me doing because not
that he didn’t want me doing because not only did that mean he would hurt me that
only did that mean he would hurt me that
only did that mean he would hurt me that would mean I’m going to lose him and
would mean I’m going to lose him and
would mean I’m going to lose him and that is the worst thing I can imagine
that is the worst thing I can imagine
that is the worst thing I can imagine this trauma bond along with what I
this trauma bond along with what I
this trauma bond along with what I interpreted to be intense feelings of
interpreted to be intense feelings of
interpreted to be intense feelings of love and the belief that things would
love and the belief that things would
love and the belief that things would get better is a bigger reason I stayed
get better is a bigger reason I stayed
get better is a bigger reason I stayed but everyone’s reason for sting and
but everyone’s reason for sting and
but everyone’s reason for sting and their feelings of entrapment very other
their feelings of entrapment very other
their feelings of entrapment very other common reasons include rely on your
common reasons include rely on your
common reasons include rely on your partner for finances religious or
partner for finances religious or
partner for finances religious or cultural beliefs not how to be a support
cultural beliefs not how to be a support
cultural beliefs not how to be a support system the fear that no one will believe
system the fear that no one will believe
system the fear that no one will believe you or being afraid of what your partner
you or being afraid of what your partner
you or being afraid of what your partner has threatened to do if you leave you
has threatened to do if you leave you
has threatened to do if you leave you may be thinking but how could anyone
may be thinking but how could anyone
may be thinking but how could anyone fall in love with someone like this to
fall in love with someone like this to
fall in love with someone like this to be going on the answer is we don’t we
be going on the answer is we don’t we
be going on the answer is we don’t we don’t fall in love as someone who
don’t fall in love as someone who
don’t fall in love as someone who presents themselves as controlling and
presents themselves as controlling and
presents themselves as controlling and violent abusers are master manipulators
violent abusers are master manipulators
violent abusers are master manipulators at gaining a person’s love and trust
at gaining a person’s love and trust
at gaining a person’s love and trust they lure you into acts of love and
they lure you into acts of love and
they lure you into acts of love and kindness this is known as love bombing
kindness this is known as love bombing
kindness this is known as love bombing Israel love bomb the out of me
Israel love bomb the out of me
Israel love bomb the out of me before you even began dating I woke up
before you even began dating I woke up
before you even began dating I woke up one day to these with hand pick flowers
one day to these with hand pick flowers
one day to these with hand pick flowers on my front porch he brought me on
on my front porch he brought me on
on my front porch he brought me on romantic getaways he wanted to know
romantic getaways he wanted to know
romantic getaways he wanted to know everything about me and he praised every
everything about me and he praised every
everything about me and he praised every little thing when we began to date he
little thing when we began to date he
little thing when we began to date he talked about the extravagant future we
talked about the extravagant future we
talked about the extravagant future we were going to have together we were
were going to have together we were
were going to have together we were going to live in a tropical paradise and
going to live in a tropical paradise and
going to live in a tropical paradise and sail the world and at the time that was
sail the world and at the time that was
sail the world and at the time that was my dream he knew that and he knew
my dream he knew that and he knew
my dream he knew that and he knew everything on sidelight and with that he
everything on sidelight and with that he
everything on sidelight and with that he painted the most perfect future
painted the most perfect future
painted the most perfect future I could imagine I felt month Israel
I could imagine I felt month Israel
I could imagine I felt month Israel before he began to abuse me it wasn’t
before he began to abuse me it wasn’t
before he began to abuse me it wasn’t until I was wrapped around his fingers
until I was wrapped around his fingers
until I was wrapped around his fingers that the heat began to really turn up
that the heat began to really turn up
that the heat began to really turn up and one day if you stayed beginning it
and one day if you stayed beginning it
and one day if you stayed beginning it wasn’t constant there’s a cyclical
wasn’t constant there’s a cyclical
wasn’t constant there’s a cyclical pattern to domestic violence after an
pattern to domestic violence after an
pattern to domestic violence after an incident Israel to reconcile with me he
incident Israel to reconcile with me he
incident Israel to reconcile with me he would apologize and assure me things
would apologize and assure me things
would apologize and assure me things would be better
would be better
would be better he used his time to remind me about his
he used his time to remind me about his
he used his time to remind me about his trust issues I thought was terrible
trust issues I thought was terrible
trust issues I thought was terrible ex-girlfriends and that he just needed
ex-girlfriends and that he just needed
ex-girlfriends and that he just needed time to see that I for sure wasn’t like
time to see that I for sure wasn’t like
time to see that I for sure wasn’t like them he convinced me they were soul
them he convinced me they were soul
them he convinced me they were soul mates
mates
mates and how could I give up on my soul mate
and how could I give up on my soul mate
and how could I give up on my soul mate so I stayed and then for some time
so I stayed and then for some time
so I stayed and then for some time things would go on as they had in the
things would go on as they had in the
things would go on as they had in the beginning with the exception that I now
beginning with the exception that I now
beginning with the exception that I now had rules to follow rules that I believe
had rules to follow rules that I believe
had rules to follow rules that I believe were only temporary until things did get
were only temporary until things did get
were only temporary until things did get better and so during this time he would
better and so during this time he would
better and so during this time he would treat me like his process this is known
treat me like his process this is known
treat me like his process this is known as the honeymoon period eventually
as the honeymoon period eventually
as the honeymoon period eventually though no matter what I did to please
though no matter what I did to please
though no matter what I did to please him tensions would rise and something
him tensions would rise and something
him tensions would rise and something with second month the pattern and the
with second month the pattern and the
with second month the pattern and the cycle would continue to repeat living
cycle would continue to repeat living
cycle would continue to repeat living through this cycle is how trauma bonds
through this cycle is how trauma bonds
through this cycle is how trauma bonds are deep end you crave your partner’s
are deep end you crave your partner’s
are deep end you crave your partner’s love and kindness and you can hold on to
love and kindness and you can hold on to
love and kindness and you can hold on to the hope that the bad things will come
the hope that the bad things will come
the hope that the bad things will come to an end so how did I escape the cycle
to an end so how did I escape the cycle
to an end so how did I escape the cycle it is when I expected that the bad
it is when I expected that the bad
it is when I expected that the bad things were not coming to an end and
things were not coming to an end and
things were not coming to an end and that the good things were just a show
that the good things were just a show
that the good things were just a show for so long I denied this because I
for so long I denied this because I
for so long I denied this because I didn’t want to believe it it is only
didn’t want to believe it it is only
didn’t want to believe it it is only when I found out he had been unfaithful
when I found out he had been unfaithful
when I found out he had been unfaithful multiple times that I was able to see
multiple times that I was able to see
multiple times that I was able to see and accept things for what they really
and accept things for what they really
and accept things for what they really were he was a manipulative
were he was a manipulative
were he was a manipulative narcissistic sociopath and he was not
narcissistic sociopath and he was not
narcissistic sociopath and he was not going to change he would get my to me
going to change he would get my to me
going to change he would get my to me for sitting next to a male in the
for sitting next to a male in the
for sitting next to a male in the classroom and constantly accuse me of
classroom and constantly accuse me of
classroom and constantly accuse me of cheating if he was the one sleeping
cheating if he was the one sleeping
cheating if he was the one sleeping around with other women in line about it
around with other women in line about it
around with other women in line about it everything he accused me of was a
everything he accused me of was a
everything he accused me of was a projection of his actions except Thomas
projection of his actions except Thomas
projection of his actions except Thomas broke my heart because I’d meant losing
broke my heart because I’d meant losing
broke my heart because I’d meant losing who I thought he was and I had given up
who I thought he was and I had given up
who I thought he was and I had given up so much of myself and my freedom because
so much of myself and my freedom because
so much of myself and my freedom because I believed in him more than anything I
I believed in him more than anything I
I believed in him more than anything I wanted to see Israel through the dark
wanted to see Israel through the dark
wanted to see Israel through the dark types so that the future that once
types so that the future that once
types so that the future that once seemed surprising would come to life
though it was very painful to accept the
though it was very painful to accept the reality of my situation and letting go
reality of my situation and letting go
reality of my situation and letting go of the illusion he created I’m beyond
of the illusion he created I’m beyond
of the illusion he created I’m beyond grateful that I did because I now see
grateful that I did because I now see
grateful that I did because I now see how dangerously deep I was in that
how dangerously deep I was in that
how dangerously deep I was in that relationship I would like to say that I
relationship I would like to say that I
relationship I would like to say that I would have left if you tried to kill me
would have left if you tried to kill me
would have left if you tried to kill me and I believe I would have but just as I
and I believe I would have but just as I
and I believe I would have but just as I excuse the choking I may have excused a
excuse the choking I may have excused a
excuse the choking I may have excused a near-death being I won’t just share with
near-death being I won’t just share with
near-death being I won’t just share with you some things that I wish I had known
you some things that I wish I had known
you some things that I wish I had known before meeting Israel in order to
before meeting Israel in order to
before meeting Israel in order to protect yourself from falling in love
protect yourself from falling in love
protect yourself from falling in love with someone like this it is important
with someone like this it is important
with someone like this it is important to know the early warning signs and to
to know the early warning signs and to
to know the early warning signs and to accept what they signify before the
accept what they signify before the
accept what they signify before the water starts to heat up because once it
water starts to heat up because once it
water starts to heat up because once it heats up that’s psychological hold and
heats up that’s psychological hold and
heats up that’s psychological hold and the power they have over you make it
the power they have over you make it
the power they have over you make it much more difficult to leave so here are
much more difficult to leave so here are
much more difficult to leave so here are some of these signs love-bombing
some of these signs love-bombing
some of these signs love-bombing and fast-paced relationship are typical
and fast-paced relationship are typical
and fast-paced relationship are typical signs at the beginning of an abusive
signs at the beginning of an abusive
signs at the beginning of an abusive relationship however they are not
relationship however they are not
relationship however they are not definite indicators of abuse so listen
definite indicators of abuse so listen
definite indicators of abuse so listen to yourself if things don’t feel right
to yourself if things don’t feel right
to yourself if things don’t feel right they probably aren’t I remember my dad
they probably aren’t I remember my dad
they probably aren’t I remember my dad expressing to me don’t you think it’s
expressing to me don’t you think it’s
expressing to me don’t you think it’s scary Israel seems too good to be true
scary Israel seems too good to be true
scary Israel seems too good to be true what is he hiding
what is he hiding
what is he hiding now imagine why I’d listen to my
now imagine why I’d listen to my
now imagine why I’d listen to my things science that are more subtle
things science that are more subtle
things science that are more subtle include having rigid gender rules
include having rigid gender rules
include having rigid gender rules showing size possessiveness always
showing size possessiveness always
showing size possessiveness always deflecting blame and isolating you from
deflecting blame and isolating you from
deflecting blame and isolating you from blood burns if your partner shows traces
blood burns if your partner shows traces
blood burns if your partner shows traces of these know that it is not healthy not
of these know that it is not healthy not
of these know that it is not healthy not to be excused
to be excused
to be excused and will likely only progress if your
and will likely only progress if your
and will likely only progress if your partner speaks disrespectfully about
partner speaks disrespectfully about
partner speaks disrespectfully about multiple axes and doesn’t acknowledge
multiple axes and doesn’t acknowledge
multiple axes and doesn’t acknowledge their own role in whatever went wrong
their own role in whatever went wrong
their own role in whatever went wrong this is a write fly it is likely that
this is a write fly it is likely that
this is a write fly it is likely that they are the problem not their exes
they are the problem not their exes
they are the problem not their exes Israel told me that every single one of
Israel told me that every single one of
Israel told me that every single one of his exes was a lying deceitful bitch
his exes was a lying deceitful bitch
his exes was a lying deceitful bitch come to find out they were none of those
come to find out they were none of those
come to find out they were none of those and he had abused every single one of
and he had abused every single one of
and he had abused every single one of them finally if you find out that your
them finally if you find out that your
them finally if you find out that your partner has a pasta domestic-violence
partner has a pasta domestic-violence
partner has a pasta domestic-violence you need to take this very seriously
you need to take this very seriously
you need to take this very seriously when Israel’s current girlfriend found
when Israel’s current girlfriend found
when Israel’s current girlfriend found out about his past as a result of him
out about his past as a result of him
out about his past as a result of him going to jail and being charged with
going to jail and being charged with
going to jail and being charged with domestic violence she came to his
domestic violence she came to his
domestic violence she came to his defense and said he would never hurt
defense and said he would never hurt
defense and said he would never hurt anyone you might think how stupid could
anyone you might think how stupid could
anyone you might think how stupid could she be but I get it I’ve been where she
she be but I get it I’ve been where she
she be but I get it I’ve been where she is all she’s experienced is his ultra
is all she’s experienced is his ultra
is all she’s experienced is his ultra loving side and he is great at twisting
loving side and he is great at twisting
loving side and he is great at twisting stories if she knew these signs and was
stories if she knew these signs and was
stories if she knew these signs and was educated on abuse she had a much better
educated on abuse she had a much better
educated on abuse she had a much better shot at leaving before things start to
shot at leaving before things start to
shot at leaving before things start to heat up and that goes for everyone
there’s so much more to domestic
there’s so much more to domestic violence than what I share with you
violence than what I share with you
violence than what I share with you today so if you want to know more
today so if you want to know more
today so if you want to know more how does about the science how to
how does about the science how to
how does about the science how to support someone going through it what to
support someone going through it what to
support someone going through it what to do if you are going through it I
do if you are going through it I
do if you are going through it I encourage you to go to the hotline or
encourage you to go to the hotline or
encourage you to go to the hotline or call their number now after leaving an
call their number now after leaving an
call their number now after leaving an abusive situation there is a road of
abusive situation there is a road of
abusive situation there is a road of healing ahead it hasn’t even been a year
healing ahead it hasn’t even been a year
healing ahead it hasn’t even been a year since I left the abuse yet Here I am
since I left the abuse yet Here I am
since I left the abuse yet Here I am I certainly still carry scars and have
I certainly still carry scars and have
I certainly still carry scars and have our minutes of PTSD but given the
our minutes of PTSD but given the
our minutes of PTSD but given the circumstances I’m doing much more okay
circumstances I’m doing much more okay
circumstances I’m doing much more okay much sooner than I would have expected
much sooner than I would have expected
much sooner than I would have expected I believe that counseling is a very
I believe that counseling is a very
I believe that counseling is a very important step to healing but what I
important step to healing but what I
important step to healing but what I found to be even more transformative in
found to be even more transformative in
found to be even more transformative in my recovery is sharing my story I first
my recovery is sharing my story I first
my recovery is sharing my story I first shared last September for an assignment
shared last September for an assignment
shared last September for an assignment in one of my university courses the
in one of my university courses the
in one of my university courses the assignment was to share a personal
assignment was to share a personal
assignment was to share a personal suffering an expressive arts performance
suffering an expressive arts performance
suffering an expressive arts performance I performed a monologue accompanied by
I performed a monologue accompanied by
I performed a monologue accompanied by dance piece that captured the life of my
dance piece that captured the life of my
dance piece that captured the life of my abusive relationship from beginning to
abusive relationship from beginning to
abusive relationship from beginning to end
end
end sharing my story in this way helps me to
sharing my story in this way helps me to
sharing my story in this way helps me to reclaim my voice and my power I received
reclaim my voice and my power I received
reclaim my voice and my power I received so much love and support from everyone
so much love and support from everyone
so much love and support from everyone who witnessed it and this gave me the
who witnessed it and this gave me the
who witnessed it and this gave me the courage to be even more open by doing so
courage to be even more open by doing so
courage to be even more open by doing so I have loud news now that they are not
I have loud news now that they are not
I have loud news now that they are not alone and how to encourage them to
alone and how to encourage them to
alone and how to encourage them to distance themselves from toxic people in
distance themselves from toxic people in
distance themselves from toxic people in their own lives I had no idea that
their own lives I had no idea that
their own lives I had no idea that sharing my story could have such an
sharing my story could have such an
sharing my story could have such an impact but the thing is my story is not
impact but the thing is my story is not
impact but the thing is my story is not unique there are millions of people who
unique there are millions of people who
unique there are millions of people who have begged their dues and who are going
have begged their dues and who are going
have begged their dues and who are going through it right now including some of
through it right now including some of
through it right now including some of you in this room so I decide us
you in this room so I decide us
you in this room so I decide us abuse adversely impacts so many in our
abuse adversely impacts so many in our
abuse adversely impacts so many in our community yet you shy away from talking
community yet you shy away from talking
community yet you shy away from talking about it because it’s an uncomfortable
about it because it’s an uncomfortable
about it because it’s an uncomfortable topic but this only fuels the problem
topic but this only fuels the problem
topic but this only fuels the problem abuse happens behind closed doors and
abuse happens behind closed doors and
abuse happens behind closed doors and it’s drives is secrecy so we must speak
it’s drives is secrecy so we must speak
it’s drives is secrecy so we must speak up I wanted all of you to join me and
up I wanted all of you to join me and
up I wanted all of you to join me and adding voices to the fight against abuse
adding voices to the fight against abuse
adding voices to the fight against abuse if you can share your story educate
if you can share your story educate
if you can share your story educate yourself learn how to support song I’m
yourself learn how to support song I’m
yourself learn how to support song I’m going through it and teach your children
going through it and teach your children
going through it and teach your children what a healthy relationship looks like
what a healthy relationship looks like
what a healthy relationship looks like because the more voices that are heard
because the more voices that are heard
because the more voices that are heard and the more educated we are the more we
and the more educated we are the more we
and the more educated we are the more we can take a stand against this thank you
can take a stand against this thank you
can take a stand against this thank you [Applause]
[Applause] [Music]
no one should have been fear of the
no one should have been fear of the person they love get far too many – one
person they love get far too many – one
person they love get far too many – one in four women and one at eleven men will
in four women and one at eleven men will
in four women and one at eleven men will experience domestic violence by partner
experience domestic violence by partner
experience domestic violence by partner sometime in their life this number is
sometime in their life this number is
sometime in their life this number is just a conservative estimate
just a conservative estimate
just a conservative estimate it doesn’t include unreported encounters
it doesn’t include unreported encounters
it doesn’t include unreported encounters and it doesn’t include verbal or
and it doesn’t include verbal or
and it doesn’t include verbal or psychological abuse which is often just
psychological abuse which is often just
psychological abuse which is often just as damaging even so even this
as damaging even so even this
as damaging even so even this conservative statistic that means that
conservative statistic that means that
conservative statistic that means that roughly 20 of you sitting here today
roughly 20 of you sitting here today
roughly 20 of you sitting here today have or will experience domestic
have or will experience domestic
have or will experience domestic violence if you had told me years ago
violence if you had told me years ago
violence if you had told me years ago but I would experience domestic violence
but I would experience domestic violence
but I would experience domestic violence and that I was going to stay with a man
and that I was going to stay with a man
and that I was going to stay with a man who abused me I wouldn’t have believed
who abused me I wouldn’t have believed
who abused me I wouldn’t have believed you those things don’t happen to people
you those things don’t happen to people
you those things don’t happen to people like me I’m educated independent strong
like me I’m educated independent strong
like me I’m educated independent strong even if I were to experience domestic
even if I were to experience domestic
even if I were to experience domestic violence I certainly wouldn’t stay I
violence I certainly wouldn’t stay I
violence I certainly wouldn’t stay I would need to second anyone lay their
would need to second anyone lay their
would need to second anyone lay their hands on me this is a huge misconception
hands on me this is a huge misconception
hands on me this is a huge misconception I didn’t understand how it worked and
I didn’t understand how it worked and
I didn’t understand how it worked and most don’t until it happens to them
most don’t until it happens to them
most don’t until it happens to them among the many things I learned that
among the many things I learned that
among the many things I learned that abuse does not discriminate it can
abuse does not discriminate it can
abuse does not discriminate it can happen to anyone and to contract anyone
happen to anyone and to contract anyone
happen to anyone and to contract anyone and I was no exception to this my name
and I was no exception to this my name
and I was no exception to this my name is Hannah Petrillo I’m a domestic
is Hannah Petrillo I’m a domestic
is Hannah Petrillo I’m a domestic violence survivor and I’m here with you
violence survivor and I’m here with you
violence survivor and I’m here with you today to share parts of my story and to
today to share parts of my story and to
today to share parts of my story and to help you better understand the
help you better understand the
help you better understand the complexities of abuse so how did I go
complexities of abuse so how did I go
complexities of abuse so how did I go from believing that I would never put up
from believing that I would never put up
from believing that I would never put up with abuse just staying in a
with abuse just staying in a
with abuse just staying in a relationship that could kill me the
relationship that could kill me the
relationship that could kill me the boiling frog analogy something my
boiling frog analogy something my
boiling frog analogy something my counselors share
counselors share
counselors share me help me to better understand this the
me help me to better understand this the
me help me to better understand this the premise of the analogy is that if a frog
premise of the analogy is that if a frog
premise of the analogy is that if a frog is put into boiling water it will dart
is put into boiling water it will dart
is put into boiling water it will dart out but if it is put in cold water and
out but if it is put in cold water and
out but if it is put in cold water and brought to a boil slowly it will not
brought to a boil slowly it will not
brought to a boil slowly it will not receive the danger and be cooked to
receive the danger and be cooked to
receive the danger and be cooked to death people and domestic violence
death people and domestic violence
death people and domestic violence situations are not thrown into a pot of
situations are not thrown into a pot of
situations are not thrown into a pot of boiling water rather it is a slow and
boiling water rather it is a slow and
boiling water rather it is a slow and strategic cooking process facilitated by
strategic cooking process facilitated by
strategic cooking process facilitated by the abuser to gain control while I was
the abuser to gain control while I was
the abuser to gain control while I was in the midst of an abusive relationship
in the midst of an abusive relationship
in the midst of an abusive relationship I could never accept that I was that
I could never accept that I was that
I could never accept that I was that frog being slowly cooked looking back
frog being slowly cooked looking back
frog being slowly cooked looking back now though it is so clear to me what
now though it is so clear to me what
now though it is so clear to me what began as a fairy tale relationship with
began as a fairy tale relationship with
began as a fairy tale relationship with promises of a beautiful future slowly
promises of a beautiful future slowly
promises of a beautiful future slowly learned into controlling behaviors
learned into controlling behaviors
learned into controlling behaviors disguised as I’m looking out for my
disguised as I’m looking out for my
disguised as I’m looking out for my well-being this turned into time me who
well-being this turned into time me who
well-being this turned into time me who I could be friends with what I wear this
I could be friends with what I wear this
I could be friends with what I wear this turned into verbal rage and throwing
turned into verbal rage and throwing
turned into verbal rage and throwing items at me which turned into shutting
items at me which turned into shutting
items at me which turned into shutting hair woollen and then hit the he
hair woollen and then hit the he
hair woollen and then hit the he continued to turn up he would choke me
continued to turn up he would choke me
continued to turn up he would choke me wait me and threatened to kill me and my
wait me and threatened to kill me and my
wait me and threatened to kill me and my family when I had at the hospital after
family when I had at the hospital after
family when I had at the hospital after the first big incident I began to see to
the first big incident I began to see to
the first big incident I began to see to my staff I was counselor and she asked
my staff I was counselor and she asked
my staff I was counselor and she asked me to set boundaries she said where do
me to set boundaries she said where do
me to set boundaries she said where do you draw the line in Rockaway I told her
you draw the line in Rockaway I told her
you draw the line in Rockaway I told her choking that’s my line just two months
choking that’s my line just two months
choking that’s my line just two months later is real joke to me and I stayed
later is real joke to me and I stayed
later is real joke to me and I stayed Israel by the way is the name of my
Israel by the way is the name of my
Israel by the way is the name of my ex-boyfriend now anything that Shogun
ex-boyfriend now anything that Shogun
ex-boyfriend now anything that Shogun wasn’t okay I knew none of it was okay
wasn’t okay I knew none of it was okay
wasn’t okay I knew none of it was okay but I adjusted to it and found myself
but I adjusted to it and found myself
but I adjusted to it and found myself justifying what I had considered
justifying what I had considered
justifying what I had considered inexcusable behavior if a friend were to
inexcusable behavior if a friend were to
inexcusable behavior if a friend were to tell me that their significant other
tell me that their significant other
tell me that their significant other choked them
choked them
choked them Ivan told him to run from that
Ivan told him to run from that
Ivan told him to run from that relationship so how could I not take the
relationship so how could I not take the
relationship so how could I not take the same advice it is not because I’m weak
same advice it is not because I’m weak
same advice it is not because I’m weak or that I don’t value myself or
or that I don’t value myself or
or that I don’t value myself or stupid members of our community need to
stupid members of our community need to
stupid members of our community need to strip away these harmful assumptions
strip away these harmful assumptions
strip away these harmful assumptions they are false and they bring shame to
they are false and they bring shame to
they are false and they bring shame to victims who are already being torn apart
victims who are already being torn apart
victims who are already being torn apart by the person they love I’m strong I’m
by the person they love I’m strong I’m
by the person they love I’m strong I’m worthy and I’m smart and so are all the
worthy and I’m smart and so are all the
worthy and I’m smart and so are all the other men and women who decide to stay
other men and women who decide to stay
other men and women who decide to stay with their abusive partners the reason
with their abusive partners the reason
with their abusive partners the reason in some states is no fault of their own
in some states is no fault of their own
in some states is no fault of their own the abuser uses power control and a
the abuser uses power control and a
the abuser uses power control and a great deal of manipulation to track the
great deal of manipulation to track the
great deal of manipulation to track the victim into submission
victim into submission
victim into submission this wheel shows that the common tactics
this wheel shows that the common tactics
this wheel shows that the common tactics used to do so
used to do so
used to do so Israeli used several of these on me he
Israeli used several of these on me he
Israeli used several of these on me he isolated me from friends try to isolate
isolated me from friends try to isolate
isolated me from friends try to isolate me from family he used intimidation of
me from family he used intimidation of
me from family he used intimidation of violence by throwing items at me
violence by throwing items at me
violence by throwing items at me destroying my property
destroying my property
destroying my property he used his static sighs the man of the
he used his static sighs the man of the
he used his static sighs the man of the house to tell me that as a woman it was
house to tell me that as a woman it was
house to tell me that as a woman it was my job to give him any sexual favor on
my job to give him any sexual favor on
my job to give him any sexual favor on demand one early morning when I didn’t
demand one early morning when I didn’t
demand one early morning when I didn’t want to have sex for the fourth time in
want to have sex for the fourth time in
want to have sex for the fourth time in a row because I’ve hurt he kicked me out
a row because I’ve hurt he kicked me out
a row because I’ve hurt he kicked me out of the bed and pushed me out of his
of the bed and pushed me out of his
of the bed and pushed me out of his house into the street but he would
house into the street but he would
house into the street but he would minimize the abuse and often blamed it
minimize the abuse and often blamed it
minimize the abuse and often blamed it on me really whenever he could he would
on me really whenever he could he would
on me really whenever he could he would flip the situation tell me how terrible
flip the situation tell me how terrible
flip the situation tell me how terrible of a girlfriend I was making me feel
of a girlfriend I was making me feel
of a girlfriend I was making me feel like I was the one who needed to
like I was the one who needed to
like I was the one who needed to apologize he would follow this up by
apologize he would follow this up by
apologize he would follow this up by threatening to leave me I don’t know
threatening to leave me I don’t know
threatening to leave me I don’t know this sounds like a great opportunity for
this sounds like a great opportunity for
this sounds like a great opportunity for me to get out easy that’s not how I type
me to get out easy that’s not how I type
me to get out easy that’s not how I type it I have feared losing him and this
it I have feared losing him and this
it I have feared losing him and this fear is a common theme in many abusive
fear is a common theme in many abusive
fear is a common theme in many abusive relationships
relationships
relationships it stems from trauma bonding when
it stems from trauma bonding when
it stems from trauma bonding when someone that we love traumatizes us they
someone that we love traumatizes us they
someone that we love traumatizes us they narrow chemicals in our brain become
narrow chemicals in our brain become
narrow chemicals in our brain become significantly dysregulated causing us to
significantly dysregulated causing us to
significantly dysregulated causing us to create that person and to do all that we
create that person and to do all that we
create that person and to do all that we can to make things right with them is
can to make things right with them is
can to make things right with them is really new that threatening to leave was
really new that threatening to leave was
really new that threatening to leave was a sure way to get controlled and
a sure way to get controlled and
a sure way to get controlled and obedience from me in fact the first time
obedience from me in fact the first time
obedience from me in fact the first time Hughes
Hughes
Hughes cool with me he broke up with me because
cool with me he broke up with me because
cool with me he broke up with me because how dare I like the guys Instagram photo
how dare I like the guys Instagram photo
how dare I like the guys Instagram photo when I got out of the hospital he found
when I got out of the hospital he found
when I got out of the hospital he found me and begged for forgiveness
me and begged for forgiveness
me and begged for forgiveness I sent him back but you know what I was
I sent him back but you know what I was
I sent him back but you know what I was sure to never do again like a guy’s
sure to never do again like a guy’s
sure to never do again like a guy’s Instagram photo along with anything else
Instagram photo along with anything else
Instagram photo along with anything else that he didn’t want me doing because not
that he didn’t want me doing because not
that he didn’t want me doing because not only did that mean he would hurt me that
only did that mean he would hurt me that
only did that mean he would hurt me that would mean I’m going to lose him and
would mean I’m going to lose him and
would mean I’m going to lose him and that is the worst thing I can imagine
that is the worst thing I can imagine
that is the worst thing I can imagine this trauma bond along with what I
this trauma bond along with what I
this trauma bond along with what I interpreted to be intense feelings of
interpreted to be intense feelings of
interpreted to be intense feelings of love and the belief that things would
love and the belief that things would
love and the belief that things would get better is a bigger reason I stayed
get better is a bigger reason I stayed
get better is a bigger reason I stayed but everyone’s reason for sting and
but everyone’s reason for sting and
but everyone’s reason for sting and their feelings of entrapment very other
their feelings of entrapment very other
their feelings of entrapment very other common reasons include rely on your
common reasons include rely on your
common reasons include rely on your partner for finances religious or
partner for finances religious or
partner for finances religious or cultural beliefs not how to be a support
cultural beliefs not how to be a support
cultural beliefs not how to be a support system the fear that no one will believe
system the fear that no one will believe
system the fear that no one will believe you or being afraid of what your partner
you or being afraid of what your partner
you or being afraid of what your partner has threatened to do if you leave you
has threatened to do if you leave you
has threatened to do if you leave you may be thinking but how could anyone
may be thinking but how could anyone
may be thinking but how could anyone fall in love with someone like this to
fall in love with someone like this to
fall in love with someone like this to be going on the answer is we don’t we
be going on the answer is we don’t we
be going on the answer is we don’t we don’t fall in love as someone who
don’t fall in love as someone who
don’t fall in love as someone who presents themselves as controlling and
presents themselves as controlling and
presents themselves as controlling and violent abusers are master manipulators
violent abusers are master manipulators
violent abusers are master manipulators at gaining a person’s love and trust
at gaining a person’s love and trust
at gaining a person’s love and trust they lure you into acts of love and
they lure you into acts of love and
they lure you into acts of love and kindness this is known as love bombing
kindness this is known as love bombing
kindness this is known as love bombing Israel love bomb the out of me
Israel love bomb the out of me
Israel love bomb the out of me before you even began dating I woke up
before you even began dating I woke up
before you even began dating I woke up one day to these with hand pick flowers
one day to these with hand pick flowers
one day to these with hand pick flowers on my front porch he brought me on
on my front porch he brought me on
on my front porch he brought me on romantic getaways he wanted to know
romantic getaways he wanted to know
romantic getaways he wanted to know everything about me and he praised every
everything about me and he praised every
everything about me and he praised every little thing when we began to date he
little thing when we began to date he
little thing when we began to date he talked about the extravagant future we
talked about the extravagant future we
talked about the extravagant future we were going to have together we were
were going to have together we were
were going to have together we were going to live in a tropical paradise and
going to live in a tropical paradise and
going to live in a tropical paradise and sail the world and at the time that was
sail the world and at the time that was
sail the world and at the time that was my dream he knew that and he knew
my dream he knew that and he knew
my dream he knew that and he knew everything on sidelight and with that he
everything on sidelight and with that he
everything on sidelight and with that he painted the most perfect future
painted the most perfect future
painted the most perfect future I could imagine I felt month Israel
I could imagine I felt month Israel
I could imagine I felt month Israel before he began to abuse me it wasn’t
before he began to abuse me it wasn’t
before he began to abuse me it wasn’t until I was wrapped around his fingers
until I was wrapped around his fingers
until I was wrapped around his fingers that the heat began to really turn up
that the heat began to really turn up
that the heat began to really turn up and one day if you stayed beginning it
and one day if you stayed beginning it
and one day if you stayed beginning it wasn’t constant there’s a cyclical
wasn’t constant there’s a cyclical
wasn’t constant there’s a cyclical pattern to domestic violence after an
pattern to domestic violence after an
pattern to domestic violence after an incident Israel to reconcile with me he
incident Israel to reconcile with me he
incident Israel to reconcile with me he would apologize and assure me things
would apologize and assure me things
would apologize and assure me things would be better
would be better
would be better he used his time to remind me about his
he used his time to remind me about his
he used his time to remind me about his trust issues I thought was terrible
trust issues I thought was terrible
trust issues I thought was terrible ex-girlfriends and that he just needed
ex-girlfriends and that he just needed
ex-girlfriends and that he just needed time to see that I for sure wasn’t like
time to see that I for sure wasn’t like
time to see that I for sure wasn’t like them he convinced me they were soul
them he convinced me they were soul
them he convinced me they were soul mates
mates
mates and how could I give up on my soul mate
and how could I give up on my soul mate
and how could I give up on my soul mate so I stayed and then for some time
so I stayed and then for some time
so I stayed and then for some time things would go on as they had in the
things would go on as they had in the
things would go on as they had in the beginning with the exception that I now
beginning with the exception that I now
beginning with the exception that I now had rules to follow rules that I believe
had rules to follow rules that I believe
had rules to follow rules that I believe were only temporary until things did get
were only temporary until things did get
were only temporary until things did get better and so during this time he would
better and so during this time he would
better and so during this time he would treat me like his process this is known
treat me like his process this is known
treat me like his process this is known as the honeymoon period eventually
as the honeymoon period eventually
as the honeymoon period eventually though no matter what I did to please
though no matter what I did to please
though no matter what I did to please him tensions would rise and something
him tensions would rise and something
him tensions would rise and something with second month the pattern and the
with second month the pattern and the
with second month the pattern and the cycle would continue to repeat living
cycle would continue to repeat living
cycle would continue to repeat living through this cycle is how trauma bonds
through this cycle is how trauma bonds
through this cycle is how trauma bonds are deep end you crave your partner’s
are deep end you crave your partner’s
are deep end you crave your partner’s love and kindness and you can hold on to
love and kindness and you can hold on to
love and kindness and you can hold on to the hope that the bad things will come
the hope that the bad things will come
the hope that the bad things will come to an end so how did I escape the cycle
to an end so how did I escape the cycle
to an end so how did I escape the cycle it is when I expected that the bad
it is when I expected that the bad
it is when I expected that the bad things were not coming to an end and
things were not coming to an end and
things were not coming to an end and that the good things were just a show
that the good things were just a show
that the good things were just a show for so long I denied this because I
for so long I denied this because I
for so long I denied this because I didn’t want to believe it it is only
didn’t want to believe it it is only
didn’t want to believe it it is only when I found out he had been unfaithful
when I found out he had been unfaithful
when I found out he had been unfaithful multiple times that I was able to see
multiple times that I was able to see
multiple times that I was able to see and accept things for what they really
and accept things for what they really
and accept things for what they really were he was a manipulative
were he was a manipulative
were he was a manipulative narcissistic sociopath and he was not
narcissistic sociopath and he was not
narcissistic sociopath and he was not going to change he would get my to me
going to change he would get my to me
going to change he would get my to me for sitting next to a male in the
for sitting next to a male in the
for sitting next to a male in the classroom and constantly accuse me of
classroom and constantly accuse me of
classroom and constantly accuse me of cheating if he was the one sleeping
cheating if he was the one sleeping
cheating if he was the one sleeping around with other women in line about it
around with other women in line about it
around with other women in line about it everything he accused me of was a
everything he accused me of was a
everything he accused me of was a projection of his actions except Thomas
projection of his actions except Thomas
projection of his actions except Thomas broke my heart because I’d meant losing
broke my heart because I’d meant losing
broke my heart because I’d meant losing who I thought he was and I had given up
who I thought he was and I had given up
who I thought he was and I had given up so much of myself and my freedom because
so much of myself and my freedom because
so much of myself and my freedom because I believed in him more than anything I
I believed in him more than anything I
I believed in him more than anything I wanted to see Israel through the dark
wanted to see Israel through the dark
wanted to see Israel through the dark types so that the future that once
types so that the future that once
types so that the future that once seemed surprising would come to life
though it was very painful to accept the
though it was very painful to accept the reality of my situation and letting go
reality of my situation and letting go
reality of my situation and letting go of the illusion he created I’m beyond
of the illusion he created I’m beyond
of the illusion he created I’m beyond grateful that I did because I now see
grateful that I did because I now see
grateful that I did because I now see how dangerously deep I was in that
how dangerously deep I was in that
how dangerously deep I was in that relationship I would like to say that I
relationship I would like to say that I
relationship I would like to say that I would have left if you tried to kill me
would have left if you tried to kill me
would have left if you tried to kill me and I believe I would have but just as I
and I believe I would have but just as I
and I believe I would have but just as I excuse the choking I may have excused a
excuse the choking I may have excused a
excuse the choking I may have excused a near-death being I won’t just share with
near-death being I won’t just share with
near-death being I won’t just share with you some things that I wish I had known
you some things that I wish I had known
you some things that I wish I had known before meeting Israel in order to
before meeting Israel in order to
before meeting Israel in order to protect yourself from falling in love
protect yourself from falling in love
protect yourself from falling in love with someone like this it is important
with someone like this it is important
with someone like this it is important to know the early warning signs and to
to know the early warning signs and to
to know the early warning signs and to accept what they signify before the
accept what they signify before the
accept what they signify before the water starts to heat up because once it
water starts to heat up because once it
water starts to heat up because once it heats up that’s psychological hold and
heats up that’s psychological hold and
heats up that’s psychological hold and the power they have over you make it
the power they have over you make it
the power they have over you make it much more difficult to leave so here are
much more difficult to leave so here are
much more difficult to leave so here are some of these signs love-bombing
some of these signs love-bombing
some of these signs love-bombing and fast-paced relationship are typical
and fast-paced relationship are typical
and fast-paced relationship are typical signs at the beginning of an abusive
signs at the beginning of an abusive
signs at the beginning of an abusive relationship however they are not
relationship however they are not
relationship however they are not definite indicators of abuse so listen
definite indicators of abuse so listen
definite indicators of abuse so listen to yourself if things don’t feel right
to yourself if things don’t feel right
to yourself if things don’t feel right they probably aren’t I remember my dad
they probably aren’t I remember my dad
they probably aren’t I remember my dad expressing to me don’t you think it’s
expressing to me don’t you think it’s
expressing to me don’t you think it’s scary Israel seems too good to be true
scary Israel seems too good to be true
scary Israel seems too good to be true what is he hiding
what is he hiding
what is he hiding now imagine why I’d listen to my
now imagine why I’d listen to my
now imagine why I’d listen to my things science that are more subtle
things science that are more subtle
things science that are more subtle include having rigid gender rules
include having rigid gender rules
include having rigid gender rules showing size possessiveness always
showing size possessiveness always
showing size possessiveness always deflecting blame and isolating you from
deflecting blame and isolating you from
deflecting blame and isolating you from blood burns if your partner shows traces
blood burns if your partner shows traces
blood burns if your partner shows traces of these know that it is not healthy not
of these know that it is not healthy not
of these know that it is not healthy not to be excused
to be excused
to be excused and will likely only progress if your
and will likely only progress if your
and will likely only progress if your partner speaks disrespectfully about
partner speaks disrespectfully about
partner speaks disrespectfully about multiple axes and doesn’t acknowledge
multiple axes and doesn’t acknowledge
multiple axes and doesn’t acknowledge their own role in whatever went wrong
their own role in whatever went wrong
their own role in whatever went wrong this is a write fly it is likely that
this is a write fly it is likely that
this is a write fly it is likely that they are the problem not their exes
they are the problem not their exes
they are the problem not their exes Israel told me that every single one of
Israel told me that every single one of
Israel told me that every single one of his exes was a lying deceitful bitch
his exes was a lying deceitful bitch
his exes was a lying deceitful bitch come to find out they were none of those
come to find out they were none of those
come to find out they were none of those and he had abused every single one of
and he had abused every single one of
and he had abused every single one of them finally if you find out that your
them finally if you find out that your
them finally if you find out that your partner has a pasta domestic-violence
partner has a pasta domestic-violence
partner has a pasta domestic-violence you need to take this very seriously
you need to take this very seriously
you need to take this very seriously when Israel’s current girlfriend found
when Israel’s current girlfriend found
when Israel’s current girlfriend found out about his past as a result of him
out about his past as a result of him
out about his past as a result of him going to jail and being charged with
going to jail and being charged with
going to jail and being charged with domestic violence she came to his
domestic violence she came to his
domestic violence she came to his defense and said he would never hurt
defense and said he would never hurt
defense and said he would never hurt anyone you might think how stupid could
anyone you might think how stupid could
anyone you might think how stupid could she be but I get it I’ve been where she
she be but I get it I’ve been where she
she be but I get it I’ve been where she is all she’s experienced is his ultra
is all she’s experienced is his ultra
is all she’s experienced is his ultra loving side and he is great at twisting
loving side and he is great at twisting
loving side and he is great at twisting stories if she knew these signs and was
stories if she knew these signs and was
stories if she knew these signs and was educated on abuse she had a much better
educated on abuse she had a much better
educated on abuse she had a much better shot at leaving before things start to
shot at leaving before things start to
shot at leaving before things start to heat up and that goes for everyone
there’s so much more to domestic
there’s so much more to domestic violence than what I share with you
violence than what I share with you
violence than what I share with you today so if you want to know more
today so if you want to know more
today so if you want to know more how does about the science how to
how does about the science how to
how does about the science how to support someone going through it what to
support someone going through it what to
support someone going through it what to do if you are going through it I
do if you are going through it I
do if you are going through it I encourage you to go to the hotline or
encourage you to go to the hotline or
encourage you to go to the hotline or call their number now after leaving an
call their number now after leaving an
call their number now after leaving an abusive situation there is a road of
abusive situation there is a road of
abusive situation there is a road of healing ahead it hasn’t even been a year
healing ahead it hasn’t even been a year
healing ahead it hasn’t even been a year since I left the abuse yet Here I am
since I left the abuse yet Here I am
since I left the abuse yet Here I am I certainly still carry scars and have
I certainly still carry scars and have
I certainly still carry scars and have our minutes of PTSD but given the
our minutes of PTSD but given the
our minutes of PTSD but given the circumstances I’m doing much more okay
circumstances I’m doing much more okay
circumstances I’m doing much more okay much sooner than I would have expected
much sooner than I would have expected
much sooner than I would have expected I believe that counseling is a very
I believe that counseling is a very
I believe that counseling is a very important step to healing but what I
important step to healing but what I
important step to healing but what I found to be even more transformative in
found to be even more transformative in
found to be even more transformative in my recovery is sharing my story I first
my recovery is sharing my story I first
my recovery is sharing my story I first shared last September for an assignment
shared last September for an assignment
shared last September for an assignment in one of my university courses the
in one of my university courses the
in one of my university courses the assignment was to share a personal
assignment was to share a personal
assignment was to share a personal suffering an expressive arts performance
suffering an expressive arts performance
suffering an expressive arts performance I performed a monologue accompanied by
I performed a monologue accompanied by
I performed a monologue accompanied by dance piece that captured the life of my
dance piece that captured the life of my
dance piece that captured the life of my abusive relationship from beginning to
abusive relationship from beginning to
abusive relationship from beginning to end
end
end sharing my story in this way helps me to
sharing my story in this way helps me to
sharing my story in this way helps me to reclaim my voice and my power I received
reclaim my voice and my power I received
reclaim my voice and my power I received so much love and support from everyone
so much love and support from everyone
so much love and support from everyone who witnessed it and this gave me the
who witnessed it and this gave me the
who witnessed it and this gave me the courage to be even more open by doing so
courage to be even more open by doing so
courage to be even more open by doing so I have loud news now that they are not
I have loud news now that they are not
I have loud news now that they are not alone and how to encourage them to
alone and how to encourage them to
alone and how to encourage them to distance themselves from toxic people in
distance themselves from toxic people in
distance themselves from toxic people in their own lives I had no idea that
their own lives I had no idea that
their own lives I had no idea that sharing my story could have such an
sharing my story could have such an
sharing my story could have such an impact but the thing is my story is not
impact but the thing is my story is not
impact but the thing is my story is not unique there are millions of people who
unique there are millions of people who
unique there are millions of people who have begged their dues and who are going
have begged their dues and who are going
have begged their dues and who are going through it right now including some of
through it right now including some of
through it right now including some of you in this room so I decide us
you in this room so I decide us
you in this room so I decide us abuse adversely impacts so many in our
abuse adversely impacts so many in our
abuse adversely impacts so many in our community yet you shy away from talking
community yet you shy away from talking
community yet you shy away from talking about it because it’s an uncomfortable
about it because it’s an uncomfortable
about it because it’s an uncomfortable topic but this only fuels the problem
topic but this only fuels the problem
topic but this only fuels the problem abuse happens behind closed doors and
abuse happens behind closed doors and
abuse happens behind closed doors and it’s drives is secrecy so we must speak
it’s drives is secrecy so we must speak
it’s drives is secrecy so we must speak up I wanted all of you to join me and
up I wanted all of you to join me and
up I wanted all of you to join me and adding voices to the fight against abuse
adding voices to the fight against abuse
adding voices to the fight against abuse if you can share your story educate
if you can share your story educate
if you can share your story educate yourself learn how to support song I’m
yourself learn how to support song I’m
yourself learn how to support song I’m going through it and teach your children
going through it and teach your children
going through it and teach your children what a healthy relationship looks like
what a healthy relationship looks like
what a healthy relationship looks like because the more voices that are heard
because the more voices that are heard
because the more voices that are heard and the more educated we are the more we
and the more educated we are the more we
and the more educated we are the more we can take a stand against this thank you
can take a stand against this thank you
can take a stand against this thank you [Applause]
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