Translator: Leonardo Silva Reviewer: Mile Živković
♪ Sunday mornings make me nervous
They don’t feel like they used to feel
My religion feels wrong, but I can’t tell my mom
I’m afraid that my words would kill
I think I still believe in Jesus
He’s a friend when I choose to pray
But my demons get me high till I’m burning all the time
Yeah, they never wash my sins away
Singing I, I, I…
I’m singing hymns at the top of my lungs
I… I… I…
I sing my hymns at the top of my lungs
I think the devil made me do it, do it, baby
I found myself when I lost my faith
I found myself when I lost my faith
I think the devil made me do it, now I’m crazy
I found myself when I lost my faith
I found myself when I lost my faith
Sunday service got me anxious
It’s the reason that I was depressed
I could see it on their face
I did not deserve His grace
So I skipped the holy sacrament
I swear I still believe in something
But I couldn’t pray the gay away
So if I’m the wicked one, I’m still my mama’s son
And you’ll never take that love away
Singing I, I, I…
I’m singing hymns at the top of my lungs
I, I, I…
I sing my sins at the top of my lungs
I think the devil made me do it, do it, baby
I found myself when I lost my faith
I found myself when I lost my faith
I think the devil made me do it, now I’m crazy
I found myself when I lost my faith
I found myself when I lost my faith ♪
(Applause) (Cheering)
Thank you.
In the spring of 2014,
I, a barely 29-year-old man,
came out as gay in a three-page feature in the pages of Rolling Stone magazine.
Thank you.
(Applause)
The twist was the headline:
“Gay, Mormon and finally out” –
(Chuckling)
The “out” part obviously being about my orientation.
You see, I believed my whole life in one narrative.
Being raised in a very specific religion
came with a very specific set of ideals and doctrines.
This wasn’t a cherry-picking your favorite Bible verses type of religion.
It was kind of an all-or-nothing thing.
I knew I was gay probably since I was six.
I remember seeing this boy named Brandon in my first grade class
and my heart feeling weird.
Obviously, I didn’t necessarily know what “gay” was,
but I would soon find out
that my very nature was in fact an “abomination,”
that my core feelings and attraction were sinful.
So, I would bury those ideas and those thoughts deep down
until it just got to be just a blurry mess of me existing as myself,
but not really being present with who I was.
I kissed my first man at 21,
and it was only a month after I’d got home from my mission.
I had served two years as a Mormon missionary,
preaching the gospel and converting people.
It was in Nebraska, of all places.
A month later, after returning home, I went on a date, I kissed this guy,
and that’s when the real, real chaos began,
because I knew, then, that I had to keep quiet.
The answers would always come.
I was told,
“You’re not a homosexual. You have same-sex attraction.
You can change it.”
These ideas would stay with me as I would tour the world with my band Neon Trees.
You know, I was sort of this fan of punk rock,
and in high school, I looked like Robert Smith and Edward Scissorhands.
(Chuckling)
I definitely had interest in culture,
but I believed this narrative to be true,
I believed I had the answers,
and my entire life until about 29, honestly looking back,
felt like I was on autopilot.
When I came out, I was accepted by my family, my parents,
all Mormon.
I was accepted by my Mormon bandmates
and I was accepted by my community.
That year, after coming out, I toured the world with my band.
We released our third record.
I was on a high like I had never felt,
and at that point, I felt like I was living
an authenticity that I had never felt.
In 2015’s September, I spoke at Affirmation,
a LGBTQ LDS sort of conference, not sanctioned by the church,
but a place where we could meet together as LGBTQ Mormons
and figure our shit out.
The this was I believed so much in it that I felt I was doing good
and I felt that I was spreading this message of acceptance.
And I don’t regret that,
but what happened a month later changed my world
and also changed the entire conversation on what it is to be gay and Mormon.
They released policy, enacted,
that basically stated that same-sex couples and their children
were deemed apostates
and the children of these same-sex couples
would no longer be able to be baptized or blessed,
unless they turned 18 and disavowed their parents’ lifestyle.
How the hell was I supposed to find happiness now?
I was in a relationship with a man that I liked,
things were going really well, I had taken him to Temple Square,
I’d shown him the church things, he’d started reading literature.
I wanted to be a dad.
Being a dad never had anything to do with my sexuality or religion.
I just wanted to be a dad.
The idea, because of my own nature,
that I wasn’t able to do the things my brothers, because they were straight,
were able to do for their kids,
sent me into sort of a tailspin.
I’d become converted to the god that I knew,
but all of a sudden I felt betrayed.
It was the ultimate rejection and felt something like this.
(Music)
♪ I never asked to fall from grace
You saw it all over my face
I’ve left for California, I’m searching for my soul
But I hate the traffic in L.A.
Everybody’s saying “Baby, you got a little crazy”
My mind’s a little lazy, better not say a word but –
Catch me, I’m starting to fall
I don’t know what all this is for
Keep coming at me with your disrespect
You went and started a war
Now I don’t care anymore
I keep on living like it’s sudden death
Oh oh… Oh oh oh oh oh oh…
Oh oh… Oh oh oh oh oh oh…
I wish that you would just see me
Carried away in revelry
It’s been a car-crash winter
They’re calling me a sinner
Things aren’t the way they used to be
Everybody’s saying “Baby, you got a little crazy”
My mind’s a little hazy, better not say a word
Catch me, I’m starting to fall
I don’t know what all this is for
Keep coming at me with your disrespect
You went and started a war
Now I don’t care anymore
I keep on living like it’s sudden death, sudden death
Oh oh… Oh oh oh oh oh…
Oh oh.. Oh oh…
We can go an fake through everything
And they can hear us louder if we scream
Maybe life is more than just a dream
Just a dream
Oh my god, catch me, I’m starting to fall
I don’t know what all this is for
Keep coming at me with your disrespect
You went and started a war
Now I don’t care anymore
I keep on living like it’s sudden death, sudden death
Oh oh… Oh oh oh oh oh oh…
Oh oh… Oh oh oh oh oh oh…
Oh, my god ♪
(Music ends)
Thank you.
(Applause) (Cheering)
This last year,
I embarked on sort of what I seem to call a faith transition,
a paradigm shift.
I still live in Salt Lake City, about two blocks from the temple,
and I still have this strange sort of –
reverence and love for Mormons and the culture.
You see, I love the idea of God, I love the idea of spirituality,
I love these big concepts,
they feel comfortable,
but what I must tell you is when you’re faced with a decision
to go with your beliefs and they betray you,
then what do you have left?
(Music)
♪ Faith, please have a little in me
Hey
I know you hate it when I stray, but I tried everything
I drank the wine and stained the sheets, I’m clumsy when I speak
Call
You never call me anymore
We’re past the point of self-control
I’m giving back to you things I thought were true
I know it’s really nothing new
God, where the hell are you hiding?
My hands are in the air and I’m excited
I’ve been on the run, so I’m not coming Sunday
It’s alright
I’ll probably talk to you at midnight
God, I could never be like you
I can’t change, I can’t change and I don’t want to
I’ve been on the run, so I’m not coming Sunday
It’s alright
I’ll probably talk to you at midnight
Fear
That’s what it was just to be clear
You went and made everything weird
But that’s another song, another night, a shattered rung
I guess what’s done is done
Bright
I fall and stumble towards the light
I’ll miss the days and nights we wrestled in my bedroom
My knees will give out soon
I know it’s really nothing new
God, where the hell are you hiding?
My hands are in the air and it’s so exciting
I’ve been on the run, so I’m not coming Sunday
It’s alright
I’ll probably talk to you at midnight
God, I could never be like you
I can’t change, I can’t change and I don’t want to
I’ve been on the run, so I’m not coming Sunday
It’s alright
I’ll probably talk to you at midnight
I’ll probably talk to you at midnight
God, I could never be like you
I can’t change, I can’t change and I don’t want to
I’ve been on the run, so I’m not coming Sunday
It’s alright
I’ll probably talk to you at midnight ♪
(Music ends)
Thank you.
(Applause)
I have no idea
if any of you are gay, straight,
Mormon, religious, believe in God, believe in something else,
but I must tell you
that this transition of faith,
this paradigm shift, if you will,
as I stand here, glittery pants and all –
(Chuckling)
I feel like I’m finally Tyler Glenn, without any other label.
(Applause) (Cheering)
John Steinbeck wrote in “East of Eden,”
“Now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.”
What a novel concept that I never knew existed.
Now, I know it sounds crazy, “How did you believe in these things?”
They were so specific, “I felt what Mormons believed is crazy.”
It’s a beautiful thing,
there are many beautiful teachings,
but when they don’t include a space for an entire community of people,
then the plan doesn’t work,
the designed plan fails.
(Applause)
LGBTQ people in this room,
watching this video later,
you are divine,
you have power,
you have a voice and a story,
and when we use those voices and stories, we will change things.
I am so grateful, despite the anguish and sadness,
and loss of friendship,
grateful as I stand before you today,
for the opportunity, at 33 years old,
to find myself after losing my faith,
because the trick was, the whole time… it was all in here, to begin with;
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have something that we don’t often use,
and that’s our own story.
I hope today what I’ve shared to you
maybe makes some difference,
and if it doesn’t,
if there’s a few of you that now hear or feel your story,
then, that’s the whole point of this.
Thank you so much for your time and have a good day.
(Applause) (Cheering)
♪ Sunday mornings make me nervous
They don’t feel like they used to feel
My religion feels wrong, but I can’t tell my mom
I’m afraid that my words would kill
I think I still believe in Jesus
He’s a friend when I choose to pray
But my demons get me high till I’m burning all the time
Yeah, they never wash my sins away
Singing I, I, I…
I’m singing hymns at the top of my lungs
I… I… I…
I sing my hymns at the top of my lungs
I think the devil made me do it, do it, baby
I found myself when I lost my faith
I found myself when I lost my faith
I think the devil made me do it, now I’m crazy
I found myself when I lost my faith
I found myself when I lost my faith
Sunday service got me anxious
It’s the reason that I was depressed
I could see it on their face
I did not deserve His grace
So I skipped the holy sacrament
I swear I still believe in something
But I couldn’t pray the gay away
So if I’m the wicked one, I’m still my mama’s son
And you’ll never take that love away
Singing I, I, I…
I’m singing hymns at the top of my lungs
I, I, I…
I sing my sins at the top of my lungs
I think the devil made me do it, do it, baby
I found myself when I lost my faith
I found myself when I lost my faith
I think the devil made me do it, now I’m crazy
I found myself when I lost my faith
I found myself when I lost my faith ♪
(Applause) (Cheering)
Thank you.
In the spring of 2014,
I, a barely 29-year-old man,
came out as gay in a three-page feature in the pages of Rolling Stone magazine.
Thank you.
(Applause)
The twist was the headline:
“Gay, Mormon and finally out” –
(Chuckling)
The “out” part obviously being about my orientation.
You see, I believed my whole life in one narrative.
Being raised in a very specific religion
came with a very specific set of ideals and doctrines.
This wasn’t a cherry-picking your favorite Bible verses type of religion.
It was kind of an all-or-nothing thing.
I knew I was gay probably since I was six.
I remember seeing this boy named Brandon in my first grade class
and my heart feeling weird.
Obviously, I didn’t necessarily know what “gay” was,
but I would soon find out
that my very nature was in fact an “abomination,”
that my core feelings and attraction were sinful.
So, I would bury those ideas and those thoughts deep down
until it just got to be just a blurry mess of me existing as myself,
but not really being present with who I was.
I kissed my first man at 21,
and it was only a month after I’d got home from my mission.
I had served two years as a Mormon missionary,
preaching the gospel and converting people.
It was in Nebraska, of all places.
A month later, after returning home, I went on a date, I kissed this guy,
and that’s when the real, real chaos began,
because I knew, then, that I had to keep quiet.
The answers would always come.
I was told,
“You’re not a homosexual. You have same-sex attraction.
You can change it.”
These ideas would stay with me as I would tour the world with my band Neon Trees.
You know, I was sort of this fan of punk rock,
and in high school, I looked like Robert Smith and Edward Scissorhands.
(Chuckling)
I definitely had interest in culture,
but I believed this narrative to be true,
I believed I had the answers,
and my entire life until about 29, honestly looking back,
felt like I was on autopilot.
When I came out, I was accepted by my family, my parents,
all Mormon.
I was accepted by my Mormon bandmates
and I was accepted by my community.
That year, after coming out, I toured the world with my band.
We released our third record.
I was on a high like I had never felt,
and at that point, I felt like I was living
an authenticity that I had never felt.
In 2015’s September, I spoke at Affirmation,
a LGBTQ LDS sort of conference, not sanctioned by the church,
but a place where we could meet together as LGBTQ Mormons
and figure our shit out.
The this was I believed so much in it that I felt I was doing good
and I felt that I was spreading this message of acceptance.
And I don’t regret that,
but what happened a month later changed my world
and also changed the entire conversation on what it is to be gay and Mormon.
They released policy, enacted,
that basically stated that same-sex couples and their children
were deemed apostates
and the children of these same-sex couples
would no longer be able to be baptized or blessed,
unless they turned 18 and disavowed their parents’ lifestyle.
How the hell was I supposed to find happiness now?
I was in a relationship with a man that I liked,
things were going really well, I had taken him to Temple Square,
I’d shown him the church things, he’d started reading literature.
I wanted to be a dad.
Being a dad never had anything to do with my sexuality or religion.
I just wanted to be a dad.
The idea, because of my own nature,
that I wasn’t able to do the things my brothers, because they were straight,
were able to do for their kids,
sent me into sort of a tailspin.
I’d become converted to the god that I knew,
but all of a sudden I felt betrayed.
It was the ultimate rejection and felt something like this.
(Music)
♪ I never asked to fall from grace
You saw it all over my face
I’ve left for California, I’m searching for my soul
But I hate the traffic in L.A.
Everybody’s saying “Baby, you got a little crazy”
My mind’s a little lazy, better not say a word but –
Catch me, I’m starting to fall
I don’t know what all this is for
Keep coming at me with your disrespect
You went and started a war
Now I don’t care anymore
I keep on living like it’s sudden death
Oh oh… Oh oh oh oh oh oh…
Oh oh… Oh oh oh oh oh oh…
I wish that you would just see me
Carried away in revelry
It’s been a car-crash winter
They’re calling me a sinner
Things aren’t the way they used to be
Everybody’s saying “Baby, you got a little crazy”
My mind’s a little hazy, better not say a word
Catch me, I’m starting to fall
I don’t know what all this is for
Keep coming at me with your disrespect
You went and started a war
Now I don’t care anymore
I keep on living like it’s sudden death, sudden death
Oh oh… Oh oh oh oh oh…
Oh oh.. Oh oh…
We can go an fake through everything
And they can hear us louder if we scream
Maybe life is more than just a dream
Just a dream
Oh my god, catch me, I’m starting to fall
I don’t know what all this is for
Keep coming at me with your disrespect
You went and started a war
Now I don’t care anymore
I keep on living like it’s sudden death, sudden death
Oh oh… Oh oh oh oh oh oh…
Oh oh… Oh oh oh oh oh oh…
Oh, my god ♪
(Music ends)
Thank you.
(Applause) (Cheering)
This last year,
I embarked on sort of what I seem to call a faith transition,
a paradigm shift.
I still live in Salt Lake City, about two blocks from the temple,
and I still have this strange sort of –
reverence and love for Mormons and the culture.
You see, I love the idea of God, I love the idea of spirituality,
I love these big concepts,
they feel comfortable,
but what I must tell you is when you’re faced with a decision
to go with your beliefs and they betray you,
then what do you have left?
(Music)
♪ Faith, please have a little in me
Hey
I know you hate it when I stray, but I tried everything
I drank the wine and stained the sheets, I’m clumsy when I speak
Call
You never call me anymore
We’re past the point of self-control
I’m giving back to you things I thought were true
I know it’s really nothing new
God, where the hell are you hiding?
My hands are in the air and I’m excited
I’ve been on the run, so I’m not coming Sunday
It’s alright
I’ll probably talk to you at midnight
God, I could never be like you
I can’t change, I can’t change and I don’t want to
I’ve been on the run, so I’m not coming Sunday
It’s alright
I’ll probably talk to you at midnight
Fear
That’s what it was just to be clear
You went and made everything weird
But that’s another song, another night, a shattered rung
I guess what’s done is done
Bright
I fall and stumble towards the light
I’ll miss the days and nights we wrestled in my bedroom
My knees will give out soon
I know it’s really nothing new
God, where the hell are you hiding?
My hands are in the air and it’s so exciting
I’ve been on the run, so I’m not coming Sunday
It’s alright
I’ll probably talk to you at midnight
God, I could never be like you
I can’t change, I can’t change and I don’t want to
I’ve been on the run, so I’m not coming Sunday
It’s alright
I’ll probably talk to you at midnight
I’ll probably talk to you at midnight
God, I could never be like you
I can’t change, I can’t change and I don’t want to
I’ve been on the run, so I’m not coming Sunday
It’s alright
I’ll probably talk to you at midnight ♪
(Music ends)
Thank you.
(Applause)
I have no idea
if any of you are gay, straight,
Mormon, religious, believe in God, believe in something else,
but I must tell you
that this transition of faith,
this paradigm shift, if you will,
as I stand here, glittery pants and all –
(Chuckling)
I feel like I’m finally Tyler Glenn, without any other label.
(Applause) (Cheering)
John Steinbeck wrote in “East of Eden,”
“Now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.”
What a novel concept that I never knew existed.
Now, I know it sounds crazy, “How did you believe in these things?”
They were so specific, “I felt what Mormons believed is crazy.”
It’s a beautiful thing,
there are many beautiful teachings,
but when they don’t include a space for an entire community of people,
then the plan doesn’t work,
the designed plan fails.
(Applause)
LGBTQ people in this room,
watching this video later,
you are divine,
you have power,
you have a voice and a story,
and when we use those voices and stories, we will change things.
I am so grateful, despite the anguish and sadness,
and loss of friendship,
grateful as I stand before you today,
for the opportunity, at 33 years old,
to find myself after losing my faith,
because the trick was, the whole time… it was all in here, to begin with;
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have something that we don’t often use,
and that’s our own story.
I hope today what I’ve shared to you
maybe makes some difference,
and if it doesn’t,
if there’s a few of you that now hear or feel your story,
then, that’s the whole point of this.
Thank you so much for your time and have a good day.
(Applause) (Cheering)
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